Friday, June 29, 2012


Well, this entry is going to take a completely different turn than what I had planned...

Today I realized that there are certain people out there that are evil enough to try to ruin my entire life and get enjoyment out of it.

Yes, today the ONE person who knew me personally and was my friend at the creation of this blog OUTED me to Jason. He told him about the blog and how I was using it to "allow old men to get off to my sexual encounters with him". If you actually read my blog you would know that is FAR, far from the truth. I changed my approach with the blog as soon as I entered my first real relationship. Yes, before it was a play-by-play (even if some of it was fictionalized) about my experiences with past crushes.

I guess my only emotions right now are shock and anger.

Jason told me about everything that Steven said (Yes, I'm using a fake name for the exposer because I could not possibly lower myself to his level). The worst part was, they discussed it over video chat, meaning there is no chat log that I can physically see other than what Jason tells me happened. I don't know how the message was delivered, how many other bullshit lies were spread, or how Jason really responded to the situation.

Jason chose not to learn of the actual address to the blog, so as of right now (to as much of my knowledge) he hasn't read anything. But with that being said, I plan to reveal it to him at some point in the near future. I WILL NOT change or remove any entries, because I want him to know exactly what was said and realize my intentions were not to expose him.

To YOU, Steven. I'm not sure how you can live with what you did and not feel guilty. You of all people should know that this blog was created as a record of my life so that other LGBT youth and teens can have someone to relate to. I've written back and forth with many of my readers who have only commended me and thanked me for my honesty and support with being gay or a boy-lover. I guess all I have to say to you is that you should feel foolish for your decision today. Karma is a bitch.

To you, JASON. Here is a quote from a previous entry written several months ago just in case you happened to discover the blog.
"Jason", if you ever stumble across this blog, please don't judge me before you talk to me in person about it. Don't think that I do this to expose you or anyone at all. I do it to tell my story to hundreds of other regular readers who struggle with similar situations. Some things aren't exactly as they happened, mainly for the purpose of keeping both you and I anonymous online.
 I've texted you a few times back and forth now, but I do not feel comfortable leaving it as our conversation ended. I know that you still love me and I definitely still love you. I wasn't keeping this secret from you for any other reason than the fact that it contained some detailed encounters with my past crushes and my short lived relationship with David. Yes, I may have said a few negative things about you after we had our "break", but I read most of them to you in person, even though I disguised it as my personal journal rather than a blog.

 I plan to continue the blog. I guess Steven wanted me to shut it down because of this. However, I will never mention Jason or any specific person ever again. I planned to do an entry about how great his visit this past week was but I guess plans have changed.

To all of my readers, all I can say is that I'm sorry this happened. You have Steven to blame. I went from a very high point in our relationship (at the end of our visit), to an absolute low point in a matter of hours. Any words of support to me or Jason in the comments would be appreciated.


Friday, June 8, 2012

Mama Drama

So I tend to avoid discussing some very personal details of my life and family, but I figured this issue would be somewhat important to write about.

As many of you know, my parents have rarely gotten along. They are always fussing and fighting about every little issue. Lately, my little brother has decided that he will not return to the house as long as my mother lives there. This all started after they got in an argument and we called the police on him. He claims that she doesn't let him do anything and is ruining his life. Now, I guess that's the normal teenage response. The thing is, my brother skipped 3 of his 4 classes this semester every single day, and failed the only class he went to. He smokes pot and steals from my family (including my iPod, which is, as far as I know, the only thing he has stolen from me). Anyways, my dad, as usual, is siding with my brother. My mom thinks this is an excellent opportunity to move out and separate from my dad. I've supported her decision to do this for quite a while... but in a way I'm not ready for it.

Jason is coming to visit me in 2 weeks. We were supposed to go to the beach next week as a family but now my parents say we have to split it up since my brother refuses to share a house with my mom. My dad and brother will go for two days, then my mom and I will go for 2 days. It's absolutely ridiculous. My mom also suggested we take the opportunity to move all of our stuff to an apartment. I guess I'd be more okay with that if Jason wouldn't be coming the following week. I don't want him to walk into the middle of that drama. Even though he would still be by coming here. Besides, I've lived in the same house and room for 19 years, and the reason for him coming is so that he can get insight into my life that he wouldn't be able to at college. I want to show him my old Christian School (and I secretly want to take a picture kissing him in front of it), my high school, the park where I had most of my birthday parties, plus the friends he hasn't already met. Plus we are going to a concert by a certain british boy band while he is here that we are both ecstatic about.

Naturally, I asked his opinion and he said he would prefer to see my room as it is now. That's all I needed to tell my mom I'm not ready to move out yet. She said "Jason must be more important to you than I thought". I didn't respond, but she was obviously right.

In unrelated news, I was in Blockbuster today looking for a movie to watch tonight when I found something besides a movie to watch. There was this guy there with short blonde/brown hair who looked to be about 15 or 16 and had a striking resemblance to Niall Horan. We awkwardly made eye-contact when I first noticed him in the same aisle. The most interesting part was, when I moved away I noticed him looking up and down the aisles in search of someone (he was there alone). I made my way to the line and I saw that he noticed me and then he got in line too. Unfortunately, the store was empty so I went to the register before he got behind me and left as he was just getting to the register. Is it wrong that I am enjoying things like this even though I have a boyfriend? Is it normal to look at attractive guys if you are in a committed relationship? I guess that's a topic for another day.

Thoughts about anything in this entry? Leave me a comment.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Faith or Fate?

I actually took this picture myself in Paris. Something about this statue fascinated me. If anyone has any more information on it I'd love to know!

Today as I was on my way to purchase a video game, I witnessed something that could possibly change my life...

Not two cars behind me, I saw a large rental truck spin out of control, shoot across the median, into oncoming traffic, and across the street into a field. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, but I was very shaken up. I had to pull over and call my mother and talk it through with her. I was shaking and sobbing. I don't think anything has ever made me feel the way that I felt at that moment. If I had just been going a little slower or was delayed by a few seconds, I would have been in the pathway of that truck and driven into the median and into oncoming traffic. The worst part was, it wouldn't have been an easy, instant death, as the whole event lasted at least 10 seconds. In that time everything that has happened in my life would flash in front of my eyes. Luckily I managed to stay calm until I pulled over. I have only witnessed two other accidents in my life, but both were when I was very young and I can only remember short glimpses of them. But I will remember today forever.

NOTE: If you are offended by religious discussion, stop reading here.

It made me start thinking about the afterlife. Something I don't usually ponder. As you know, I consider myself a Christian. Having been raised in a Christian school for the majority of my life, I was instilled with Christian values. However, as I get older I realized that a lot of the Christian ideals are nothing like my beliefs. First off, I do NOT think that it's my responsibility to CHANGE anyone. Local pastors have been getting a lot of negative attention lately by the media and they make me almost ashamed to share the same religious "status" as them.

Not only that, but I personally believe that a lot of the Bible was written as parables by religious leaders of the time. It's obviously not the direct word of God as many claim. I don't remember reading about how the book ascended from the heavens and was the guideline for all humans to follow. A lot of it is prejudiced, but also fitting for the society of the time.

Let's get one thing straight. I DO believe in a God. I believe there is an omniscient power out there that created life. That being said, I believe in a lot of the ideals of Evolution. But I believe that these were set in place by God. Whether God is directly involved in all of our lives today is uncertain. But I think free will prevails over all.

Now for the matter of Jesus Christ. I honestly have purposely avoided deciding on whether or not I believe everything about him. I do not doubt that he was a man, a very good and religious man who did many great things during his lifetime. But I also think the idea of Jesus and the Holy Spirit are conflicted. I have always been told that you have to "accept Jesus into your Heart" to be saved. I don't think this necessarily means you have to believe that he was the Son of God. I have accepted the Holy Spirit into my heart, and whether Jesus existed or not doesn't really matter to me if I have that.

Heaven. Real? Fiction? To be honest, I don't think about it. I feel that whatever happens, happens. If it does exist, I feel I have done what I need to do to get "in". If not, then it isn't as great of a place as it's imagined to be. And if all gay people go to Hell... well I'd much rather go there. There's a lot of sarcasm in that statement of course. However, if Heaven doesn't exist and we all just disappear into nothingness, then I don't have anything to worry about, do I? And if I come back as a ghost... well, that would be bloody brilliant.

So yes, I consider myself a Christian. But not by the standards that society puts upon Christians.