Saturday, May 26, 2012

Do It All Again

This entry was inspired by the title of my last entry. The question is...

If you could go back in time, would you do it all again?

This is a difficult question since:
A) It wasn't that long ago.
B) There has to be a set time/age I would want to go back to.
C) Would I have the same mindset as I do then as I do now?

Let's start with A. Whether you believe me or not, I really am a newly turned 19-year-old. I've been doing this blog since I was 16. I am still unsure whether I am "too old" to be where I want to be with guys. I feel like I am, but a lot of you may tell me that I'm not. I mean, I can still hang out with 14-15 year olds without it seeming weird. Although dating them is definitely frowned upon. So would I want to relive my boyhood so soon? Not really, I'd rather wait until I'm old and wrinkly before I decide to do that.

Now to B. I'm still undecided on the age I would want to be. If we are talking about physical appearance, I'd like to go back to around 11. I think that was when I was at my prime. This will probably be weird to say, but I look at pictures of myself at that age and I find myself attractive. Granted I looked at least 3 years older than I really was, I was cute. If I wanted to go back to the days of early experimentation that I missed out on, I would say 8 or 9 years old. But that would mean I'd have 4 or 5 more years to go before I could start seriously dating guys. Plus at that point I wouldn't even be truly interested in guys sexually.

Which leads me into my next problem, letter C. If I had the same mindset as I did back then, I don't think anything would be any different and the whole trip back in time would be worthless. However, if I am aware of the fact that I'm going back in time and think like I do now, I think I'd be opened up to so many other opportunities. Firstly, I'd leave my private school much earlier than I did so I could go to middle school with many other guys questioning their sexuality. I would be a lot more willing to be openly gay and would probably have the opportunity of dating younger guys. Remember, I've always been attracted to roughly the same age range, so it'd give me a chance to date guys I think are the most attractive. Of course in the long run, those relationships wouldn't be very meaningful, but at least I would have the memories of it other than my imagination. The only thing close to that that I do have are my experiences with my neighborhood friend Caleb but I didn't find him attractive. I guess my experiences with Mikey are my best memory from that age range. Even though I never really touched him, I did see his penis a lot and rubbed him through his clothes. It was the first time in my life I've ever been physical with someone I liked.

So I'm undecided if I would do it all again. Plus that would mean I would have to suffer through all the useless high school work all over again. Eww...

What would you do? I'm interested in your choice and why.

-Tristan <3

1 comment:

  1. I have the same feelings; in fact I just found this blog today and have been reading through your posts starting mid 2011, and we seem similar in a lot of ways other than the fact I've never had a boyfriend, and have a hard time making any friends at all. I'm very shy.

    I think I looked the best at 13 or 14