Saturday, May 26, 2012

Do It All Again

This entry was inspired by the title of my last entry. The question is...

If you could go back in time, would you do it all again?

This is a difficult question since:
A) It wasn't that long ago.
B) There has to be a set time/age I would want to go back to.
C) Would I have the same mindset as I do then as I do now?

Let's start with A. Whether you believe me or not, I really am a newly turned 19-year-old. I've been doing this blog since I was 16. I am still unsure whether I am "too old" to be where I want to be with guys. I feel like I am, but a lot of you may tell me that I'm not. I mean, I can still hang out with 14-15 year olds without it seeming weird. Although dating them is definitely frowned upon. So would I want to relive my boyhood so soon? Not really, I'd rather wait until I'm old and wrinkly before I decide to do that.

Now to B. I'm still undecided on the age I would want to be. If we are talking about physical appearance, I'd like to go back to around 11. I think that was when I was at my prime. This will probably be weird to say, but I look at pictures of myself at that age and I find myself attractive. Granted I looked at least 3 years older than I really was, I was cute. If I wanted to go back to the days of early experimentation that I missed out on, I would say 8 or 9 years old. But that would mean I'd have 4 or 5 more years to go before I could start seriously dating guys. Plus at that point I wouldn't even be truly interested in guys sexually.

Which leads me into my next problem, letter C. If I had the same mindset as I did back then, I don't think anything would be any different and the whole trip back in time would be worthless. However, if I am aware of the fact that I'm going back in time and think like I do now, I think I'd be opened up to so many other opportunities. Firstly, I'd leave my private school much earlier than I did so I could go to middle school with many other guys questioning their sexuality. I would be a lot more willing to be openly gay and would probably have the opportunity of dating younger guys. Remember, I've always been attracted to roughly the same age range, so it'd give me a chance to date guys I think are the most attractive. Of course in the long run, those relationships wouldn't be very meaningful, but at least I would have the memories of it other than my imagination. The only thing close to that that I do have are my experiences with my neighborhood friend Caleb but I didn't find him attractive. I guess my experiences with Mikey are my best memory from that age range. Even though I never really touched him, I did see his penis a lot and rubbed him through his clothes. It was the first time in my life I've ever been physical with someone I liked.

So I'm undecided if I would do it all again. Plus that would mean I would have to suffer through all the useless high school work all over again. Eww...

What would you do? I'm interested in your choice and why.

-Tristan <3

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Time Travel

Well the summer is in full swing and I'm halfway through my month of being Jason-less while he visits his family in the mid-west. Things are going alright though, I've enjoyed the time to myself and with my friends back home.

I've also been with Mikey a lot helping him with a project. He has lost pretty much all his appeal to me. He smells really bad (he doesn't bathe regularly) and he really needs to start shaving his face more regularly. He just looks very care-free, which is totally fine for a guy, but it's not the way he used to be. He still does little things to try to swoon me like watching porn beside me or making comments like "sometimes I wonder if I am gay and don't know it" when watching himself back on video. But as I said earlier, he doesn't appeal to me like he used to.

Today I took a visit back to the place where I took video production classes my senior year. The seniors in the advanced class were premiering their final projects while the juniors finished filming so I decided to come watch. All of the films were just average, and apart from one guy with a really cocky attitude, there were no guys of interest there.


About 20 minutes before class was over, I noticed a familiar face walk into the room. Duncan. In case you are a new reader (or one without an everlasting memory), Duncan was in my Intro Video class back in the Fall of 2010. My first entry mentioning him is here: A New School Year, New Start?. As he turned to walk back out we made eye contact and I waved. He responded by a shocked look and then a quick "Hey Tristan!". My heart was racing because it had been so long since we've talked. He was sporting a new look. While his dress before was a bit gothic, he had gone full-blown emo. I usually am really turned off by that, but he rocked it and seemed almost like a Hot Topic model. His hair was in this crazy style with spiked and waves. It looked really cool. The best part... his face hadn't changed a bit. He still looked years younger than his age. He could easily pass as an 11-year-old in closeups. Anyways, he came back to the room a little while later and was standing at his computer. Me, with my newly found boost of confidence, approached him and asked to see his final project. He was really happy to show it to me. Turns out his was the best of the class. The most interesting thing was, everyone in the class seemed to really like him and look up to him. At the beginning of my 12th grade year when I had class with him, everyone talked badly about him and I was one of the only ones who took up for him. It made me happy to know that he had earned the respect of the others in the class. Plus, he really is that good at what he does.

I've talked to Jason off-and-on, usually a few texts every day and a phone call once a week. He seems to be doing well. His mom is still being a real bitch about dissing gay-related topics, such as Amendment 1 and Obama's support for it. But he seems to handle it better than I would. I do wish he'd stand up for himself for once though.

Does anyone still read this? While that might be a good thing, I'm starting to feel a little lonely without the comments. I love getting feedback and new topic ideas. HMU! ;)


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Dog Days

Well, I'm guilty.

I haven't updated you guys on anything since April and I feel horrible for it. Because truth is, a lot has happened but a lot hasn't changed.

It's now Summer, and it won't be until late-August until I get to be Jason's roommate. The good thing is, we have a week long camping trip planned for mid-July and also subsequent visits to each other's hometown. He should be coming here mid-June.

To say I miss him would be an understatement. However, it doesn't feel nearly as bad as Christmas Break did because at the time I was worried to death about whether he still liked me. Now I know that he not only likes me, but loves me. And I love him too. He is everything I want in a boyfriend (and possibly a future husband). He is amazingly good looking even though I haven't noted it before. I know I touched on it a little bit, but it took me until now to realize his true beauty. But of course that isn't nearly the most important thing. I feel like we are one in the same. Meaning I feel like we are connected somehow in spirit. I've felt this connection since the beginning, but it's even stronger now.

The only thing I can think of that makes me a little weary is the true reasoning behind why he dumped me. He always just says he "wasn't thinking" or he doesn't know why he did it. He's too smart of a kid to really mean that and I think he's covering up something. I'm not going to question him about it though because he seems completely over it and committed to me now.

What I think is the most amazing thing is the fact that he sometimes mentions his future and how he plans to make me a part of it. He always blushes when he talks about it, but he sometimes talks about us moving in together after college and getting married and adopting and growing old together. I guess this is a normal thing for a serious couple to do, but I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I know that we are young, and young love usually isn't the smartest thing, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with us spending our lives together. He accepts the fact that I'm attracted to younger boys, and that would be my biggest secret in a relationship, yet I can be honest with him about it. Now that doesn't mean I go around the city pointing out cute boys to him, but occasionally he will make a comment about a boy in a store or something saying "I bet you'd like him". He's usually right.

So for the summer, what would you like me to write about? I'm happy to write every day as long as I have some topics. I'm going to Mikey's house to work on a project with him tomorrow. We will see if that stirs up some emotional drama for my fragile heart.

Tristan Skyler