Sunday, April 15, 2012

Paradise


So, not much has changed since my last update. I have been in contact with David (maybe a little too much if it were up to Jason) and things seem to finally be settled down. Things might still be awkward at the youth group meeting, but the leader knows about the breakup so I'm sure she will keep things under control.

As for Jason, things are... perfect. Everything in our relationship has been steady. I haven't had to doubt anything at all and he has been honest with me completely. The only time this really hurt me was when I made reference to a comment he made several months earlier while we were in the movie and saw Zac Efron in a trailer and I told him "He was better when he was younger" and he had responded "Tristan, you will notice that happens to everyone". At the time I didn't think about it much and took it as a joke. After I brought it up again (to remind him we had seen this trailer) he told me he meant more by that. He said that deep down he has been worried if I will still like him when he starts to look older and more his age. I started crying at this point. I had no idea that he was concerned about this. I reassured him that no matter how superficial I was when it came to being wooed by a celebrity's good looks, it meant absolutely nothing about how I see someone I'm dating. I told him that I would still like him the same as now when he got older and looks mean nothing. He said he was glad to get that off his chest and I thanked him for being honest.

I have also begun to tell him that I love him. I actually mean it and am not afraid to use that word with him. As you know (if you read my entry a few weeks ago), I don't like using that word unless I truly mean it. I honestly can see myself with Jason my whole life and I think he sees me that way too. If I lost him again I would be devastated.

An issue that has come up in the back of my mind is whether or not I can get over love to love another. My "love" (or what I considered love was before. Probably just lust.) for Mikey is still there, and coming home this past weekend and visiting with him didn't help those feelings subside. But I love Jason at a different level. I'm sure things will be fine, but it kind of bothers me knowing my heart isn't completely focussed on Jason.

I have deviated from the topic of this entry, but I guess it's a good thing that things aren't entirely as perfect as they seem. However, I'm happy, and Jason is happy with me. And that's all that matters, right? Our relationship is completely comfortable, and while we haven't gone all the way yet, I feel that will come naturally very soon. We have already begun talking about getting condoms for it and have joked around about it. We are like little kids when it comes to that, and I enjoy the fact that our sexual moments aren't serious and nerve-racking. We make them fun and relaxed.

Should I be worried about the fact that I am happy?

-Tristan

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