Sunday, April 15, 2012

Paradise


So, not much has changed since my last update. I have been in contact with David (maybe a little too much if it were up to Jason) and things seem to finally be settled down. Things might still be awkward at the youth group meeting, but the leader knows about the breakup so I'm sure she will keep things under control.

As for Jason, things are... perfect. Everything in our relationship has been steady. I haven't had to doubt anything at all and he has been honest with me completely. The only time this really hurt me was when I made reference to a comment he made several months earlier while we were in the movie and saw Zac Efron in a trailer and I told him "He was better when he was younger" and he had responded "Tristan, you will notice that happens to everyone". At the time I didn't think about it much and took it as a joke. After I brought it up again (to remind him we had seen this trailer) he told me he meant more by that. He said that deep down he has been worried if I will still like him when he starts to look older and more his age. I started crying at this point. I had no idea that he was concerned about this. I reassured him that no matter how superficial I was when it came to being wooed by a celebrity's good looks, it meant absolutely nothing about how I see someone I'm dating. I told him that I would still like him the same as now when he got older and looks mean nothing. He said he was glad to get that off his chest and I thanked him for being honest.

I have also begun to tell him that I love him. I actually mean it and am not afraid to use that word with him. As you know (if you read my entry a few weeks ago), I don't like using that word unless I truly mean it. I honestly can see myself with Jason my whole life and I think he sees me that way too. If I lost him again I would be devastated.

An issue that has come up in the back of my mind is whether or not I can get over love to love another. My "love" (or what I considered love was before. Probably just lust.) for Mikey is still there, and coming home this past weekend and visiting with him didn't help those feelings subside. But I love Jason at a different level. I'm sure things will be fine, but it kind of bothers me knowing my heart isn't completely focussed on Jason.

I have deviated from the topic of this entry, but I guess it's a good thing that things aren't entirely as perfect as they seem. However, I'm happy, and Jason is happy with me. And that's all that matters, right? Our relationship is completely comfortable, and while we haven't gone all the way yet, I feel that will come naturally very soon. We have already begun talking about getting condoms for it and have joked around about it. We are like little kids when it comes to that, and I enjoy the fact that our sexual moments aren't serious and nerve-racking. We make them fun and relaxed.

Should I be worried about the fact that I am happy?

-Tristan

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Letting Go to Bring Back In


 I haven't updated in a few weeks. Although this was mainly due to my personal laziness, it's also because I didn't do a lot of thinking before acting...I know, that's almost always a mistake.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been getting very sexual with Jason.To the point where we were both completely nude in bed, playing with each other and even spending the night together.Even though I knew it was wrong (because I was still dating David), it felt so right. I was beginning to notice he was a completely different person than when we first started dating.

But something had changed...

Trevor, a guy from our school's GSA, had begun flirting with Jason. I was becoming extremely jealous, and Jason knew it. He assured me that he didn't like Trevor and would never date him, and I accepted it and told him I had no right to be jealous even if he did. Whether I had the right to or not didn't matter. It felt horrible knowing this guy was hitting on him when I still had feelings for him. I couldn't let him take Jason from me.

So I did the unthinkable...

Monday, I was having a regular text conversation with David and we were discussing his prom (which he invited me to several weeks before). I had previously accepted, but since my feelings for Jason were currently so strong, I wouldn't have felt right at prom with him, especially since I had been technically "cheating" on him.

I told him that I wasn't sure it would be best for us to go to prom together. At first I tried to brush it off as my way of saying "it wouldn't be fair to you since I'll be gone over the summer", but I went for it and told him everything. And by that I mean EVERYTHING (except the "cheating"). I told him about how I never got over Jason and how I don't think I ever will. I tried my best to not make it seem like his fault and he told me he understood but his voice over the phone sounded very depressed.

It wasn't until today that I heard from him again, thus ending my anxiety. I called the leader of the youth group that we are both a part of and told her the situation. It was really comforting to hear that I did the right thing, whether I believe so or not.

So here I am. The good news is Jason has become very emotionally involved with me now that he knows he has me wholeheartedly. This is the kind of relationship we should have had in the beginning. I told him I didn't want to make it "Facebook Official" for a while because I didn't want to come across as one of those people who has a new boyfriend every week. While he was ready to make it 100% official, I told him he could make it official between us again. So less than an hour ago, the words I had been wanting to hear all this time came smoothly from his lips as we lay together, embracing each other with intertwined legs,

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Yes.