Monday, March 19, 2012

Incredibly Close Call

As some of you noticed, this past weekend I took the site down for a couple of days. This is due to an URGENT situation. I had opened a new browser tab and it showed "top sites" while in Jason's room. This site was on the list and he asked what "TristanTalks" was. I immediately clicked out of it and said "I don't know, nothing". Lame response, I know. But I was very embarrassed and nervous. I'm still not sure if he's forgotten about it and he might just be waiting before he checks it out. He knows I keep a journal (but not online) so it's not entirely a secret. But still...

"Jason", if you ever stumble across this blog, please don't judge me before you talk to me in person about it. Don't think that I do this to expose you or anyone at all. I do it to tell my story to hundreds of other regular readers who struggle with similar situations. Some things aren't exactly as they happened, mainly for the purpose of keeping both you and I anonymous online.

If you don't see this, thank you. I am very lucky that you didn't discover my only secret from you.


I'm in a very emotionally confused state today. Jason seemed very upset last night after I got back from my date with David. And I think it's my fault...

I really need to get things figured out in my own head before I go messing with someone else. Last night I saw that he was upset so I began rubbing his back and neck, then eventually stroking his cheek. I like comforting him. But I probably took it farther than a friendship level.

I had been doing stuff like this before, but this time it hit me hard because just a few hours before I was in my bed with David having the same thing done to me (and much more of course). Maybe the whole top/bottom thing is hindering me from being able to decide.

I REALLY like when David does stuff to me. Last night he started tickling me and ended up on top of me and began intensely making out with me. Even though I consider myself a leader, I like being played with and in a way "dominated". No, I'm not talking about anal sex. Never done that before so I wouldn't know.

BUT, I also really like being the caring type of person towards Jason. I like rubbing his back and just caressing him and holding him close to me.

Jason has great looks, a great personality, but has me confused with his emotions towards me.
David has okay looks, a bit of an annoying personality, but really expresses that he loves me.

Which is the better choice?


Monday, March 12, 2012

Check Up

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because our spring break was this past week but even that isn't much of an excuse since I spent most of it sitting at home playing video games.

I decided to dedicate this entry to an update on the 3 guys you care about most: David, Jason, and Mikey.

Today officially marked our "one month" and unlike Jason, he remembered and actually seemed to care. He also told me that he loved me today. Again with the strong word. I don't know, maybe I'm just weird, but I don't just toss around that word. The only people I say "I love you" to are my parents and my best friend. I told him I wanted to wait a while before I said that just so I can be sure. And I'm not entirely sure what it means to love someone. Don't get me wrong, I really like him, but I don't know him enough to say I love him. I love being with him. By the way, Titanic wasn't lying, cars really do get super-steamy when you have sex in the back seat. With David I got my first blowjob that I ACTUALLY cummed during. It was funny because he was embarrassed that it was taking him so long to do it but I did my best to assure him that was normal. I think things are going well for us. I'm starting to feel like we're moving to quickly sexually, but compared to the rest of society we are "taking it slow". I just wish there was a polite way to tell him that I enjoy doing stuff, but I'd rather just kiss on some occasions. Every time we make out it leads to that. But I guess it was partially my fault this time because I recommended we go to the beach at night.

Oh, boy. Things are still pretty normal with Jason but I still sense a strong awkwardness when I'm with him and mention David. It's not that I try to. It's just that right now my life revolves around both of them and it's hard to not mention the other. He hasn't tried anything with me to convince me into liking him again, but that doesn't mean he's not desperately waiting for us to break up. I don't like that. But like I said before, I'm not sure I want him to move on either because I still could see myself with him. I don't know how, after all the bullcrap he put me through. But he's still really attractive to me, plus we are so much alike. It's hard to say that we weren't meant to be.

I haven't mentioned him in a while because I haven't had too much contact with him. But over spring break I hung out with him 3 separate times at his house. I was all wrong in thinking I was over him. The first day we were together we met at a fast food restaurant and he asked me "Do I look different?" I looked into his eyes and said "Yeah... better". He blushed and changed the subject. Later that day we sat on his couch on his laptop and as usual he sat extremely close to me where we were touching. Although he is almost 16, he hasn't aged (in the face) past 14. Another day we were at his house with two of his cousins (ages 6 and 9) and he tried to wrestle with me on the couch, which led to more grabbing for both of us. By the way, I loved his cousins. I don't know why but when I'm with younger kids I always feel really happy. I guess it's just remembering my youth. Wrestling with them was even more fun than with Mikey because they didn't hurt me. Mikey still claims to be straight, and I guess I have to stick with that. But God, I can't get enough of being with him.

So going back to the word love. Is it wrong that I can honestly say I love Mikey? If you love someone you can't have, is it considered cheating?