Monday, February 27, 2012

Split Decisions

So now that I've had some time to think things over... I'm even more confused.

I talked it out with Jason for a really long time Thursday night, and he decided to wait for me to be single again. This kind of upsets me but there isn't really anything I can do to change his mind.

Friday night, however, I feel like I led him on with false hope. We had a lot of free time together. We had planned to learn some choreography to a few pop songs, but after he had a 2 hour phone conversation with a family member I told him I was no longer in the mood to dance. He laid on the floor while we were listening to music. I noticed that he was within reach of my feet. Without thinking, I put my feet on his back and began "massaging" his back to the music. I should have stopped it there. Later in the night I was laying on the other bed in his room and he was standing next to it. I told him it was okay if he laid with me...

I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was trying to comfort him and make him feel like I still care about him even though we aren't dating. While laying together I wrapped my arms around him like normal.

But for some reason, I didn't notice a change in his emotions. In fact, it felt just like before. He laid there without even moving or talking. I guess he felt a little guilty, but I had told him he would have to "prove" that he was more into me if he ever wanted me back, and he didn't take the advantage. No, I would not have kissed him or did anything sexual, but he could have at least touched my chest or something.

So in a way, this was a deciding moment for me. I would not be happy going back to Jason because nothing would be different. I am staying with David.

In other news, I went on an unforgettable date with David on Saturday.

We went to the movies at 5. We had texted Friday night and he told me he wanted to make out and "do stuff" during the movie. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm going to pay $10 to see a movie, I actually want to watch it. I told him I'd rather night and if we want to do that... I have a car.

The movie ended at 7. During the movie we didn't do much more than last time. He cuddled with me as usual and gave me a big hug after it was over.

"So, what do we do now?", he asked.

We spent an hour and a half going through the book store and the video game store. Afterwards he suggested we go to my car.

I went back to being "clueless" once we were in my car and started thinking of places we could go. He suggested we just sit there. I had the radio playing and after a while laid my seat back. He did the same but said it was uncomfortable.

"We could move to the back", I suggested.

We went to the backseat. Without even a second going by, he pulled me to him, placing my head on his chest. We hung the sheets of fabric over the windows to "block out the light". He then tilted my head towards him and began kissing me. This led to a very long makeout session, and it had to be the best kissing experience I have ever had. After a few minutes, he grabbed my hand and put it on his stomach (with his shirt lifted up). I wasn't sure what he was doing, so I began gently rubbing it. He then grabbed my hand and moved it lower... I could feel his erection. I told him that I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. He said "just do whatever". I'll just say it didn't go farther than our hands. Then we headed back to his house so he would be there in time for curfew.

Afterwards, I felt guilty. Maybe it was because of the fact that we moved too quickly, which is what I was hoping to avoid. I mean, we have only been dating like 2-3 weeks. I liked the making out part, that was great. But when he started moving my hand to his crotch I was a little unsettled. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't feel happy about it. In a way, I kind of felt like I was cheating on Jason. Which doesn't make sense because Friday night I technically "cheated" on David. But that didn't feel like cheating as much as this.

I guess I was okay with it because this was the first time in my life that I've felt loved by another guy. I liked to think that I felt that way with Jason, but he never showed any emotion. David likes to pull my close to him and stroke my chest and face while kissing me. He knows how to show his affection. I prefer little things like that.

So this weekend has been both a confusing one and a decisive one. I have decided that I plan to keep David as my boyfriend and to let Jason either wait for me, or move on.



1 comment:

  1. You're a great guy and David is lucky to have you. Mikey and Jason are just users. I'm so glad you've found someone special who appreciates you. Enjoy!