Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Biggest Flaw

I would have to say that my biggest flaw is that I care too much.

Since the breakup, I have not spent any less time with Jason. In fact, I am in his room more often than I was before. I also have my car on campus this semester, meaning we have easy access to escape the downtown area.

I just can't find it in my heart to abandon him. Not that I want to, but I feel like I'm suppressing my pain that he has caused. But I need him just as much as he seems to need me. But then again, I was wrong last time. Who's to say he even wants to hang out with me anymore? I don't know what he wants anymore, and I feel for our friendship to work we need some sort of trust and openness with each other. I mean, we are open about our sexuality, but I still feel like he never reveals his feelings. He has his moments where he is very outgoing, usually late at night, but if it isn't for that I basically have to make all of the daily plans.

I'm not trying to be a "drama queen" about the breakup, but it doesn't feel like a breakup. Actually, it feels like a breakup where both parties felt they would be better as friend. I went through a very hurtful breakup, being told that nothing was ever real and I was lied to the whole time. That should be devastating. Why don't I feel any different about him than I did before?

The only difference I've noticed is that I am beginning to have regular contact with other gays in my area. There's one guy that I would say I'm somewhat interested in, but he's already told me that he's not ready to date anyone yet.

In my next entry I will talk about my trip to "Creating Change", which was a Gay Rights convention in Baltimore, Maryland that I attended a week or so ago.


1 comment:

  1. I wish I had your wisdom growing up gay :)

    Thanks for the Mikey update ;)

    You're right, don't be a drama queen, you're young, don't take everything so seriously, just enjoy life. I think you're helping Jason to open up. C'mon, if he really didn't want you around, he'd tell you to get lost. He hasn't. xxoo