Monday, February 27, 2012

Split Decisions

So now that I've had some time to think things over... I'm even more confused.

I talked it out with Jason for a really long time Thursday night, and he decided to wait for me to be single again. This kind of upsets me but there isn't really anything I can do to change his mind.

Friday night, however, I feel like I led him on with false hope. We had a lot of free time together. We had planned to learn some choreography to a few pop songs, but after he had a 2 hour phone conversation with a family member I told him I was no longer in the mood to dance. He laid on the floor while we were listening to music. I noticed that he was within reach of my feet. Without thinking, I put my feet on his back and began "massaging" his back to the music. I should have stopped it there. Later in the night I was laying on the other bed in his room and he was standing next to it. I told him it was okay if he laid with me...

I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was trying to comfort him and make him feel like I still care about him even though we aren't dating. While laying together I wrapped my arms around him like normal.

But for some reason, I didn't notice a change in his emotions. In fact, it felt just like before. He laid there without even moving or talking. I guess he felt a little guilty, but I had told him he would have to "prove" that he was more into me if he ever wanted me back, and he didn't take the advantage. No, I would not have kissed him or did anything sexual, but he could have at least touched my chest or something.

So in a way, this was a deciding moment for me. I would not be happy going back to Jason because nothing would be different. I am staying with David.

In other news, I went on an unforgettable date with David on Saturday.

We went to the movies at 5. We had texted Friday night and he told me he wanted to make out and "do stuff" during the movie. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm going to pay $10 to see a movie, I actually want to watch it. I told him I'd rather night and if we want to do that... I have a car.

The movie ended at 7. During the movie we didn't do much more than last time. He cuddled with me as usual and gave me a big hug after it was over.

"So, what do we do now?", he asked.

We spent an hour and a half going through the book store and the video game store. Afterwards he suggested we go to my car.

I went back to being "clueless" once we were in my car and started thinking of places we could go. He suggested we just sit there. I had the radio playing and after a while laid my seat back. He did the same but said it was uncomfortable.

"We could move to the back", I suggested.

We went to the backseat. Without even a second going by, he pulled me to him, placing my head on his chest. We hung the sheets of fabric over the windows to "block out the light". He then tilted my head towards him and began kissing me. This led to a very long makeout session, and it had to be the best kissing experience I have ever had. After a few minutes, he grabbed my hand and put it on his stomach (with his shirt lifted up). I wasn't sure what he was doing, so I began gently rubbing it. He then grabbed my hand and moved it lower... I could feel his erection. I told him that I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. He said "just do whatever". I'll just say it didn't go farther than our hands. Then we headed back to his house so he would be there in time for curfew.

Afterwards, I felt guilty. Maybe it was because of the fact that we moved too quickly, which is what I was hoping to avoid. I mean, we have only been dating like 2-3 weeks. I liked the making out part, that was great. But when he started moving my hand to his crotch I was a little unsettled. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't feel happy about it. In a way, I kind of felt like I was cheating on Jason. Which doesn't make sense because Friday night I technically "cheated" on David. But that didn't feel like cheating as much as this.

I guess I was okay with it because this was the first time in my life that I've felt loved by another guy. I liked to think that I felt that way with Jason, but he never showed any emotion. David likes to pull my close to him and stroke my chest and face while kissing me. He knows how to show his affection. I prefer little things like that.

So this weekend has been both a confusing one and a decisive one. I have decided that I plan to keep David as my boyfriend and to let Jason either wait for me, or move on.



Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Soap Opera

I know I don't usually blog this often, but something extremely dramatic has come up. My life currently feels like a badly written soap opera but there's nothing I can do.

So after having dinner with David last night and kissing him goodnight (the best kiss so far), Jason texts me saying he feels like crying. I asked him what was wrong but he only told me that he doesn't think he's ready to tell me yet. As YOU ALL know, something like that makes me worry more than anything. After a bit of haggling, he sends me a message saying this.

"I made a huge mistake... we should have never broke up. I know you have David now but you have to realize that I love you and always will."

My only reasonable reaction was "WHAT THE HELL"

(Refer to this entry to read about the breakup)

He told me that he felt protected and loved while laying with me and now he just wants to return the favor. He had felt depressed for the first time in his life. He said he wasn't asking for a decision right away.

That's when I told him that I had already made my decision.

"I'm sticking with David for now. It would be a jackass move on my part to breakup with him after spending so long convincing him I was over you."

He said it wasn't what he wanted to hear. So I left him with this message for the night.

"Jason, I don't want to keep you up all night talking about this. I have a lot of questions but those can be asked at another time. I gave you time to change your decision but after a month I figured it was safe to move on. I'm not going to say I completely got over you, but I was able to give someone else a chance. And I like David, I really do. No, we don't have as strong of a connection as I felt with you, but he shows me that he likes me, something I worried about throughout our entire relationship. I feel if you really loved me them you wouldn't have just let me go like that with the reason you gave me. You would have worked with me to fix it like I wanted to do but you told me it couldn't be done. So no, I'm not going to drop David to be with you again. What would that say about me as a person? I care too much about people to ever hurt them at the level you hurt me. I'm not saying the chances of anything happening between you and I is over. But I plan to follow through with dating David unless something happens and we break up".

I texted him this morning apologizing for being so harsh. We talked more about it but he persisted with the fact that he was completely in love with me. I know you guys don't really know him like I do, but this is completely uncharacteristic of him. First of all, neither of us use the word "love" lightly. The only guy I've ever loved was Mikey. Not that I won't eventually love someone else, but he's the only one that's made it to that level with me. For him to say he loved me was a huge blow.

So I honestly don't know how to react. He broke my heart because he said he never liked me more than a friend, but now he's just saying he was confused and didn't know what to call it.

Is this an act of jealousy? He knows about David and knows that I like him a lot. Is he just trying to destroy that? Do I want to go back to him?

I am much happier with my relationship with David than I ever was with him.

So I plan to stick to my decision. I'm not going to break up with David to get back with Jason. That isn't fair, to either of them.

So as you can see, my life is like the climax of a bad Lifetime soap opera and I don't know where it's turning. I need some plot twists, leave me a comment!


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Brother Lover

No, this entry isn't about incest. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

It's about my relationship with David.

I'm not doubting it already, if that's what you're thinking. I think it is going great and seeming much more like a relationship than what I had with Jason. Saturday we were together all day and he wasn't afraid to touch me or hold me by the waist in public. To be perfectly honest, I did feel a little uncomfortable at times with this public display of affection, if you can call it that. Not that it didn't feel great, but I know we got some stairs from people that wouldn't approve of us being gay. But that aside, the day went great and the bus ride back from the event we went to was even better. We got the whole back row to ourselves so we cuddled together and I rested my head on his chest. We ended the night with 2 goodnight kisses. He texted me later apologizing for being a horrible kisser, but in reality it was probably my fault due to my lack of experience.

But the more I'm with David, I see something that I never saw with Jason but did with Mikey. I feel almost like I'm filling a "big brother" role for David. I'm not sure why, as he's only a year and a half younger than me. But a lot of the time I feel the need to protect him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Maybe it's just because I felt that Jason didn't need any guidance. David has about the same maturity level as Mikey, which I like a lot. So I guess this whole big brother feeling is a good thing?

I'm meeting with David in a few hours to go to dinner. Hopefully we get some cuddling time in there somewhere as well!


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Official or Not, Here I Come

So today was my big date with David. I met him at work at 3pm. I waited a few minutes for him to get the okay from his boss to leave, then we headed out. We went to get pizza but I had recently eaten lunch so I didn't eat but had a nice conversation with him.

After eating, we went back to his house so he could get a coat. I stayed in the living room and played with his dog (no, not a sexual term for his penis, I mean the animal). Then all of a sudden the door flung open and a little girl came in. I jumped up and stood there awkwardly and said "hi". She didn't respond. Then a man came in, his stepdad.

"You must be Tristan"
"Yes sir"
"Nice to meet you. I'm David's stepdad"
"You too"
"By the way, Tristan. Next time you park in the driveway... pick a side"

I realized that while parking I didn't leave room for another car. Mainly because I wasn't planning to be long and assumed no one would be coming home. Thank God we weren't doing anything lol.

Afterwards we went to the downtown area of his town (the next one over from mine) and shopped a little before seeing the movie "The Woman in Black". When it was time for the movie, we went to the line to buy tickets. We were both panicing a little because we thought it was rated R so we were worried that they would have to check his ID but fortunately it was only rated PG-13. When we went in the theatre, he asked where I wanted to sit. I told him it was up to him and he said the back. In case you don't know it, the back is usually the "makeout zone'.

The movie started and all was good. I noticed he pulled the armrest down between us. Was he not planning to do anything? That was fine with me, I was glad he made a boundary.

As the movie progressed, I noticed him start to lean towards me. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not. He also moved his leg where it was bumping against mine. He kept tapping my foot but I wasn't sure what to do so I just kept still.

Eventually, he lifted the arm rest, but didn't say anything or make any sudden movements. Eventually though I noticed his head resting on my shoulder. I put mine down lightly but he quickly moved up, as if it were an accident. A few minutes later though he went back down and I stayed still. He found the movie extremely scary. I wasn't very impressed by it. He kept leaning his head closer and closer to mine. For a while he wrapped his arms around me (front and back) and I rubbed his shoulders reassuring him that it was alright. For the majority of the rest of the movie, he kept his arm across my stomach. I rubbed it and eventually ended up holding his hand.

That's as far as it went and I couldn't be happier.

I took him home and we talked about hanging out Saturday. As far as I know, no Valentine's plans were made.

This is probably the last time I will go into detail about our dates. I just thought it would be nice to tell you about our first REAL one.


I told him by text after the date that I was ready to make it official. So we both logged onto Facebook and changed our relationship status.

Suddenly, my Facebook wall appeared with a giant post.

"Tristan is in a relationship with David - February 12, 2012"

So I guess this is it. My coming out moment to all my Facebook friends, except for family friends and family, I hid the post from them. I was nervous but also really excited. I did it.

But in all my excitement I let my guard down.

My phone was dying so I told David to message me on Facebook. He did and I explained to him that I left my charger in Jason's room earlier that day.


He knows about what Jason did to me. I noticed earlier while texting he said his mom was concerned about me and Jason still having a thing but I just laughed it off and assumed he knew we didn't.

This time I'm not so sure...

"Wow what?
"You left it in Jason's room..."
"omg now you're making me feel bad, you know I'm over him."
David is offline.


I don't know, he did say he was going to bed early, but why such a horrible time? Literally 5 minutes before, we made our relationship Facebook official. Now, is he regretting it?

I guess I shouldn't panic yet and just wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm just upset because it was an instant mood-breaker. I texted him telling him I'd prove it to him next time we were together. I'm not really sure what I meant by that but I just want him to know I'm over Jason.

And I really am.


Saturday, February 11, 2012


Alright, so this picture isn't the best way to represent "Rewind", but I couldn't resist.

So I planned to do this entry about my trip to "Creating Change", but something else has come up that definitely deserves attention.

So there's this guy...David.

David goes to the gay-youth group I go to. He's a sophomore or junior in high school. We have talked a few times, especially when I first started going, but usually it's just a "hey" when I get there. He is really hyper and outgoing. He's also gay. I offered him a ride to the meetings a few weeks ago when I was told he doesn't come anymore because he doesn't have a ride. He told me that he did but gave me his number anyways just in case.

Fast forward to this Wednesday.

I was messaging a few people on Facebook when I noticed a new message from him. "Sup" is all it said. We began talking, and he asked if Jason and I still went out. I told him no and about what Jason did to me. 2 hours later, our conversation started to get intense and he told me that he liked older guys, and I shared that I liked younger guys. For some reason he thought I was like 20. He told me he was 17, but then went down to 16 when he found out I was only 18 (sidenote, he was 15 at the end of last year, and if his birthday is in March then he is actually about to turn 16). Anyways, he eventually admitted that he liked me.

I told him that I liked him too...

Which is true, I mean when I first came to the meetings, he was the first one I drove my attention to. He also is young looking which is a plus to me. He does have a long history of depression (and even a suicide attempt 2 years ago), but I am willing to look over that.

So we made plans for Thursday. I was going to pick him up from school then we were going to have a picnic in the park until he had to be somewhere 2 hours later.

Fast forward to Thursday.

I was really nervous on my way to pick him up. This was my first actual "date" I had with a guy. When I picked hi up we stopped by the grocery store nearby first to get food. He seemed really hyper and nervous, which was appropriate I guess. We went to the park and ate. Nothing really special happened. It just seemed like a normal "hanging out" date with a friend. At the end when he had to leave, he gave me a really big hug and that was it.

Fast forward two hours.

New text message.
David: omg I had such an awesome time today!!!

I'm glad that he enjoyed it. I was starting to worry about whether or not it had been a "good" date. But what he said shortly after was a little more concerning.

David: So...are we like official now?

Wow. I've heard of couples moving fast, but I don't think after 2 hours together we can tell if we are meant to be boyfriends so soon. My friend blamed it on the fact that he was still stuck in that "high school mindset" where everyone is in a relationship. He also mentioned that he went into school early to work on something for me for Tuesday (Valentine's Day). That means I have to get him something. How do you buy a Valentine's gift for someone you aren't really dating yet? PLEASE give me suggestions, ASAP!

We are planning to meet at his work Sunday and eat, then hang out for the rest of the evening/night. I'm not sure where or how, but I can predict that it will definitely end in a decision about our relationship. It just seems like things are moving too fast, almost as if he's rushing into it before Valentine's Day just so he has a valentine.


What if this is just another Jason situation? Maybe he doesn't really like me and just wants someone to brag about to his friends. But then again he does seem to be very interested. He has already started calling me "babe" and asked if I prefer that he shaved (meaning his face but I'm sure he implied more). Am I making a mistake by going into this so soon? Or could this be the "high school experience" that I missed out on? Especially with prom coming up soon (if he's really a Junior).

I really do like him, I'm just concerned about whether he wants something as serious as I do.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Biggest Flaw

I would have to say that my biggest flaw is that I care too much.

Since the breakup, I have not spent any less time with Jason. In fact, I am in his room more often than I was before. I also have my car on campus this semester, meaning we have easy access to escape the downtown area.

I just can't find it in my heart to abandon him. Not that I want to, but I feel like I'm suppressing my pain that he has caused. But I need him just as much as he seems to need me. But then again, I was wrong last time. Who's to say he even wants to hang out with me anymore? I don't know what he wants anymore, and I feel for our friendship to work we need some sort of trust and openness with each other. I mean, we are open about our sexuality, but I still feel like he never reveals his feelings. He has his moments where he is very outgoing, usually late at night, but if it isn't for that I basically have to make all of the daily plans.

I'm not trying to be a "drama queen" about the breakup, but it doesn't feel like a breakup. Actually, it feels like a breakup where both parties felt they would be better as friend. I went through a very hurtful breakup, being told that nothing was ever real and I was lied to the whole time. That should be devastating. Why don't I feel any different about him than I did before?

The only difference I've noticed is that I am beginning to have regular contact with other gays in my area. There's one guy that I would say I'm somewhat interested in, but he's already told me that he's not ready to date anyone yet.

In my next entry I will talk about my trip to "Creating Change", which was a Gay Rights convention in Baltimore, Maryland that I attended a week or so ago.