Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Parental Units

One of the hardest things to do (that I have yet to do) is come out to your parents as gay/lesbian/bi/trans and etc.

For myself, I almost do not feel the need to tell my parents. Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed, but I feel that some aspects of my personal life do not need to be shared with them. Sure, I am their child, but I'm living my life that doesn't involve them much anymore. However, if I were to be in a serious relationship with a guy and was considering marriage, I would probably discuss that with my mother.

I am much closer to my mother than my father, although I'm not close to either of them on most aspects. I hold my friends to higher standards than my parents. They aren't role models to me and they will never be. Especially with my father. He has abused me (both psychologically and physically) since I was a young child. That's not something I admit to many people, but am starting to be more open about it now that I am able to fight back.

He is an alcoholic. If there is a step above that, it's him. The only thing he ever drinks is beer, no matter where he's at or what he's doing. He drinks and drives, he drinks in bed, and he drinks at the dinner table. It's almost as if I've never seen him sober. On some days where he drinks more than usual he becomes very angry and violent.

When I was younger I would only yell and cry to try and make him stop, but that only made it worse. I can recall one situation when I was in the 5th grade (I guess I was around 11) where he held me against a wall by the throat threatening to kill me. The next day I brought it up to my teacher in an almost joking matter since it was all over me doing my homework on the computer. She was very concerned, and told me that she had to report it to the office. This was still when I attended a private school so I didn't hear much about it (neither did my parents) until the situation later in the school year where I was psychologically abused by my principal (I'll save that for another entry if I have not already written about it).

I hate being compared to my father, especially being told that I am "just like him". That is so far from the truth. I feel like we are opposites. I am rarely an angry person, and if I am I don't show it. I care about everyone else's feelings above my own, and I am very open minded about everything. Sure, I like to argue and have strong opinions, but I feel like that is a trait that I admire in people.

What are/were your parents like?

On a sidenote:
I am very hurt knowing that so many of you are displeased about my decision to change the style of this blog. I really didn't want to create a reason for you to stop reading. Like I said, I want to protect myself and the people mentioned, especially Jason. As of now, I have a heightened level of alert about the chances of being exposed. Maybe one day I will start going back to the old style. Please give me a chance to try out the new format before completing shutting me out.

PS: I had a dream about Mikey last night. We were laying in his bed holding hands. It was wonderful :)


  1. I think you should do with the blog what you are comfortable with, nothing more, nothing less. It is easy to tell what the people who are upset are upset about. They just wanted to add more to their fantasies and you are no longer providing. I, however, chose to read because of the strong parallels with my own life and will continue to read it regardless of the direction you take it.

    1. I resent your implications, i have learned a lot about myself from his writings, and thought i have never commented before, your comment will likely keep me from commenting ever again. Tristan, your blog was great, will miss it dearly, bye.

  2. I will keep reading I understand y u did . Hope everything is good between you guys

  3. I like the blog regardless. It's good to hear your thoughts and some topics, like the one above, wouldn't have necessarily been discussed if you had just kept giving a play by play. So I think it helps you by allowing you a place to share your feelings, and allows us to get an idea of your life and whats going on in it.

    Back on topic. My father isn't like this any more, but when I was a kid he had a problem and my parents divorced from it. He never hurt me physically, but there are ways he talks to me and things he's done (or never did) that make me really resent him for it. I find a lot of parallels in your life to mine, so please keep writing, I'll eagerly await the next entry. I'm just glad you're somewhere and with someone you can be yourself.