Thursday, January 19, 2012
How Could You Be So Heartless?
Yes, this post is about what you think it is.
I mentioned in my last entry how Jason decided not to kiss me goodnight Monday and how that confused me. I assumed it was his way of telling me to "man up" and be more dominant.
I made the decision Monday night to discuss it with him on Tuesday. But that came as a harder task than I expected. We went to dinner, GSA, and another Gay-Youth meeting as usual. Then we came back to his room and watched some videos. Everything was going as normal and he didn't seem to be any different than any other day. I waited until he stopped watching and was like "What should we watch now"?
"I know what we can talk about..."
He froze and got really figity, he knew what was coming. He tried to play it off by saying "What, on your phone? Where is it?"
"Why didn't you want to kiss me last night?"
At this moment he reacted in a way that I've never seen a person react. He seemed terrified. He kept stressing over and over how he didn't want to talk about this right now and kept trying to change the subject. He said he was unprepared. After a while he put his shirt over his head and just sat like that, rocking back and forth, silently. I told him that delaying it will only make it worse.
After 30 minutes of work, I finally got one line out of him that he tried several times to say.
"I don't want to lose our friendship"
After I assured him it wouldn't, it took another 20 minutes to get this line.
"I don't think we were ever meant to be more than friends"
Instead of continuing the play-by-play I will sum up his position:
He knew from the beginning that he didn't feel that way about me. He felt like he had to be in a relationship with me for me to be his friend. He lied to himself and to me the entire time and was never into anything we did relationship-wise. He just pretended to want to do things. He realized over Christmas Break that he didn't want to do it anymore so he tried to slowly give hints but ended up not doing it. He refused the kiss because he knew it would get me thinking.
Now for my position:
WHAT THE HELL. I was prepared for you to break up with me. But not like that. Not for you to tell me that nothing we did like that meant anything to you. You only started cuddling with me at the pier because you wanted to stay friends? I'm not buying it. We were great friends before that. You told me you just wanted to be friends "for now" months ago and I was very happy with that. Maybe not at the time but in a few days I was happy. I shared my first kiss, my first sexual touching, and my first blowjob with someone who really didn't care about me. I spent the entirety of the relationship trying to make him happy and only did things I thought he wanted. But to find out he didn't want any of it hurts me the most.
It's like the best 4 months of my life quickly turned into the worst when I realized that nothing was real.
I don't have the time to tell you all the details of how I reacted. I broke down crying after 2 hours when he brought up something completely off topic (my best friend). I'm not sure why, but I blame it on the emotional build up from the past 3 days.
We have decided to remain friends and I forgave him (although I'm unsure if I can fully do that at this point). We ate dinner, went to Biolgy Club, and played Wii in his room tonight. Things felt surprisingly normal, although I kind of wished we had continued discussing how things are.
In a way, I want him to know how upset this makes me, but I also don't want to make him upset. I guess that is still me in relationship mode, putting him above myself. That's something I have to get over.
I hope it's not coming across that I'm being stubborn. It is entirely his fault. He led me on for 4 months, making me think he really liked me (maybe loved me). I was so excited to finally find someone who liked me like that. I pushed myself to limits that I never would have before. And now, all it feels like was a joke.
I'd really like some feedback on this. I know I was trying to avoid personal entries but I feel this was necessary.
Posted by Tristan Skyler at 5:58 AM