Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Could You Be So Heartless?

Yes, this post is about what you think it is.

I mentioned in my last entry how Jason decided not to kiss me goodnight Monday and how that confused me. I assumed it was his way of telling me to "man up" and be more dominant.

I made the decision Monday night to discuss it with him on Tuesday. But that came as a harder task than I expected. We went to dinner, GSA, and another Gay-Youth meeting as usual. Then we came back to his room and watched some videos. Everything was going as normal and he didn't seem to be any different than any other day. I waited until he stopped watching and was like "What should we watch now"?

"I know what we can talk about..."

He froze and got really figity, he knew what was coming. He tried to play it off by saying "What, on your phone? Where is it?"

"Why didn't you want to kiss me last night?"

At this moment he reacted in a way that I've never seen a person react. He seemed terrified. He kept stressing over and over how he didn't want to talk about this right now and kept trying to change the subject. He said he was unprepared. After a while he put his shirt over his head and just sat like that, rocking back and forth, silently. I told him that delaying it will only make it worse.

After 30 minutes of work, I finally got one line out of him that he tried several times to say.

"I don't want to lose our friendship"

After I assured him it wouldn't, it took another 20 minutes to get this line.

"I don't think we were ever meant to be more than friends"


Instead of continuing the play-by-play I will sum up his position:

He knew from the beginning that he didn't feel that way about me. He felt like he had to be in a relationship with me for me to be his friend. He lied to himself and to me the entire time and was never into anything we did relationship-wise. He just pretended to want to do things. He realized over Christmas Break that he didn't want to do it anymore so he tried to slowly give hints but ended up not doing it. He refused the kiss because he knew it would get me thinking.

Now for my position:

WHAT THE HELL. I was prepared for you to break up with me. But not like that. Not for you to tell me that nothing we did like that meant anything to you. You only started cuddling with me at the pier because you wanted to stay friends? I'm not buying it. We were great friends before that. You told me you just wanted to be friends "for now" months ago and I was very happy with that. Maybe not at the time but in a few days I was happy. I shared my first kiss, my first sexual touching, and my first blowjob with someone who really didn't care about me. I spent the entirety of the relationship trying to make him happy and only did things I thought he wanted. But to find out he didn't want any of it hurts me the most.

It's like the best 4 months of my life quickly turned into the worst when I realized that nothing was real.

I don't have the time to tell you all the details of how I reacted. I broke down crying after 2 hours when he brought up something completely off topic (my best friend). I'm not sure why, but I blame it on the emotional build up from the past 3 days.


We have decided to remain friends and I forgave him (although I'm unsure if I can fully do that at this point). We ate dinner, went to Biolgy Club, and played Wii in his room tonight. Things felt surprisingly normal, although I kind of wished we had continued discussing how things are.

In a way, I want him to know how upset this makes me, but I also don't want to make him upset. I guess that is still me in relationship mode, putting him above myself. That's something I have to get over.

I hope it's not coming across that I'm being stubborn. It is entirely his fault. He led me on for 4 months, making me think he really liked me (maybe loved me). I was so excited to finally find someone who liked me like that. I pushed myself to limits that I never would have before. And now, all it feels like was a joke.

I'd really like some feedback on this. I know I was trying to avoid personal entries but I feel this was necessary.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Switching Roles

In my current relationship, I am noticing that my boyfriend insists on taking the "submissive" role in the relationship. He has told me this since the beginning, but only now is he really demanding that I take on the "dominant" role.

I don't consider myself either of these roles. I feel like in an ideal relationship, both people should be a little bit of both. You should take turns being both submissive and dominant. Not on a specific schedule, but if there is something that you want, you should go for it and not avoid it just because you are submissive.

My biggest issue with my relationship is that I am unable to sense any emotion from Jason. That being said, I am terrified of making a move on him that he isn't comfortable with. I find myself asking a lot of questions like "What can I do to make you happy?" or "What do you want to do?" when we are cuddling. This doesn't mean I want him to be in control, I just want to know what he wants. Is that such a bad thing?

The reason I'm writing about this is because last night he refused to kiss me. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to be together anymore, but that didn't make much sense since we had just finished cuddling for 2 hours. I'm beginning to think it was because I didn't take the lead with it. However, I did bring up the idea of doing it. But I guess he wanted more of a "Can I kiss you?" than a "We should kiss". They seem the same to me but I guess he wants to be 100% submissive.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I can deal with a relationship like that. I feel like it's unfair for me to do all of the work in it. I am willing to step it up a notch and just go for things, but that's only if he lets me know that he is fully comfortable with everything.

I plan to confront him about this in about an hour and I am very frightened by what his reaction might be. I hope he at least gives me a chance before deciding he wants to break up.

Do you think it is possible to become more dominant if you are generally the submissive type? Vice-versa?

More soon,

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Parental Units

One of the hardest things to do (that I have yet to do) is come out to your parents as gay/lesbian/bi/trans and etc.

For myself, I almost do not feel the need to tell my parents. Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed, but I feel that some aspects of my personal life do not need to be shared with them. Sure, I am their child, but I'm living my life that doesn't involve them much anymore. However, if I were to be in a serious relationship with a guy and was considering marriage, I would probably discuss that with my mother.

I am much closer to my mother than my father, although I'm not close to either of them on most aspects. I hold my friends to higher standards than my parents. They aren't role models to me and they will never be. Especially with my father. He has abused me (both psychologically and physically) since I was a young child. That's not something I admit to many people, but am starting to be more open about it now that I am able to fight back.

He is an alcoholic. If there is a step above that, it's him. The only thing he ever drinks is beer, no matter where he's at or what he's doing. He drinks and drives, he drinks in bed, and he drinks at the dinner table. It's almost as if I've never seen him sober. On some days where he drinks more than usual he becomes very angry and violent.

When I was younger I would only yell and cry to try and make him stop, but that only made it worse. I can recall one situation when I was in the 5th grade (I guess I was around 11) where he held me against a wall by the throat threatening to kill me. The next day I brought it up to my teacher in an almost joking matter since it was all over me doing my homework on the computer. She was very concerned, and told me that she had to report it to the office. This was still when I attended a private school so I didn't hear much about it (neither did my parents) until the situation later in the school year where I was psychologically abused by my principal (I'll save that for another entry if I have not already written about it).

I hate being compared to my father, especially being told that I am "just like him". That is so far from the truth. I feel like we are opposites. I am rarely an angry person, and if I am I don't show it. I care about everyone else's feelings above my own, and I am very open minded about everything. Sure, I like to argue and have strong opinions, but I feel like that is a trait that I admire in people.

What are/were your parents like?

On a sidenote:
I am very hurt knowing that so many of you are displeased about my decision to change the style of this blog. I really didn't want to create a reason for you to stop reading. Like I said, I want to protect myself and the people mentioned, especially Jason. As of now, I have a heightened level of alert about the chances of being exposed. Maybe one day I will start going back to the old style. Please give me a chance to try out the new format before completing shutting me out.

PS: I had a dream about Mikey last night. We were laying in his bed holding hands. It was wonderful :)