Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Ending of a Beginning

Dear Everyone,

I realize it has been almost 2 months since an update from me. While this is due to a variety of circumstances (starting Sophomore year of College, being in a happy relationship, getting a job, and flat-out enjoying life as it comes), it has influenced my decision to discontinue my regular updates on this blog(?). I add the question mark because if down the road I decide to change my mind, this post will be right below and would look a little strange and comedic. But I have come to the conclusion that living my life through this blog is not what I want.

When I first started, I was a hopeless romantic looking for love in all the wrong places. I became infatuated and "obsessed" with many guys throughout high school. I guess it seemed a little ridiculous reading it, but obsessing over these guys was a huge part of my life. That's why I chose to write about it. It helped ease my mind but also created a sense of "neediness" for more interesting things to happen to add drama to my story. To quote Miley Cyrus, I started "living for moments" instead of "living for people". Everything that happened in my daily life sparked an idea in my mind that I then formulated into a blog post.

In NO WAY do I regret writing this blog. Sure, I've had many "close-calls" with it, but I have never written anything I've felt guilty about. I also don't think it "ruined" my life. It has been an excellent learning tool for myself and hopefully others. I also think it will be something inspirational to look back on as I get older when times get tough. And in those times, I may decide to start back up my regular entries.

This blog is for everyone. I guess my target audience would be any LGBTQ youth who feel like they are alone in the world. I want you to know that you are not alone and that my story contains pretty much everything you need to know about me.

If you EVER need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to email me at I check it daily and am happy to talk with anyone who just wants a friend to talk to about things they can't trust anyone else with. I don't care how old you are, where you're from, or what gender you are. I just want to know YOU and help YOU.

So, I guess this is my goodbye (for now). I am sad to go, since this has been such a large part of my life over the years. But I think moving on and living for me and enjoying the moment and the people I'm with will lead to a happier life. In conclusion, I would like to thank everyone who has been, is, and will be following me on this strange and wild journey called life.

Take care,
Tristan Skyler

Friday, July 20, 2012

Boy Scouts of Intolerance

A scout is:
Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent, and Heterosexual.

Although this isn't the scout law, it should be. Or else I wouldn't have spent 8 years of my life involved in the organization.

I joined a local church's Cub Scout pack when I was in 5th grade. I wouldn't have, if my little brother didn't start there first. I began as a Webelos II, and while there were only 2 other active guys at that rank, I was very actively involved that year, although I didn't go on any camping trips.

When I moved up to Boy Scouts, my whole experience changed. Suddenly I was surrounded by a bunch of older boys who were already close friends. For the first year or so, I found that I bonded more with the leaders than the boys. Luckily, I avoided all of the usual hasing that usually comes along with being the "new scouts", mainly because there were only two of us. But by my second year of scouts, I had developed a strong friendship with a guy named Ronald, who I have mentioned on this blog before. He was one of the first people I confided in about being gay. Of course, by that time I was already almost done with scouts, so it didn't really affect much at all.

I am sad to say that I did not have any "gay experiences" in my years of scouting, other than jokingly pulling back shower curtains or catching a glimpse while my tentmate is changing clothes (still in his underwear of course). I guess the only reason I say I'm sad about it is it would have been a nice "experimental" stage for me, even though I knew I liked guys already. I remember going to several campouts for the sole purpose of "scouting" out attractive guys. While there were surely other gay guys in my council, none of them seemed to be flamboyantly gay. Especially within my troop, which was composed mostly of rednecks. I even remember when we got our first black kid in the troop. He was outcasted and made fun of by some of the older scouts. Keep in mind this was probably 2008, not 1958.

As the years went on, leadership changed within my troop. My favorite scout leader of all time and his wife dropped out of the program when they learned he was ill. My scout master has remained relatively the same, but the other leaders have come and gone, and the few that were there during my later years of scouting only cared for the basics. This means that campouts were no longer for fun, they were simply chances for us to spend longer amounts of time working on merit badges. I hated it. It took the fun out of scouting. Their only goal seemed to have people advance very quickly to make the troop look good. When I turned 17 I started slacking off with attending meetings and by 18 I was completely inactive.

I did not see any discrimination against gays within my troop itself, but at one point I was called outside by my Scout Master and criticized for my online media postings being "too suggestive". I was furious, but at the same time I was still too nervous to show it, so afterwards I went home and cried and listened to what he said... for a while.

The point of this post is... well I guess there really wasn't a point. But I am very against the reinstatement of the policy banning gays. If I had known that the BSA was so against homosexuality then I would have never remained a member for so long. I remember when I first learned of the ban on gays, I wanted very badly to come out at the meetings to see what they would do, but the fact that it would probably lead to a parent phone call scared me out of it. I almost wanted to stick with it and make it to be a "gay Eagle Scout", but no longer pursued advancement after becoming a Life Scout.

Where any of you involved with Scouts? Did you notice any internal discrimination towards gays in your troop? What are your thoughts on the ban of gays in the organization?


Monday, July 16, 2012

Fiction Addiction

So based on my previous entry, I wanted to try something out really quickly that I haven't ever done. I'm gonna give myself 30 minutes on the clock (mainly because I have to get up early to help with a camp tomorrow, which I will discuss later in the week, maybe...) and write a completely fiction story to see how far I get. This should be fun for me, and hopefully just as interesting for you. So let's get started.

I forced myself through the doorway of the classroom, which had a highlighter-yellow sign on the front that said FRESHMAN 101 (X-Z). I normally hated the fact that I was usually the last name to be called on the roll of students, but I hoped that this time it would work to my advantage, since only 2% of people in America have last name that starts between the letters X and Z. This means that I would only have to face around roughly 2% of the student population staring at me at once, and at least after making it through one class I would no longer be the "new kid." And yes, I do realize that everyone is a new kid when moving from middle school to a brand new high school, and most people are scared out of their wits with all the horror stories about drugs, alcohol, and rape that they teach us to stay away from. But I was beyond that point of fear. You see, I had just moved from a small town in Kansas, and the middle school I attended had 250 students in total. Each grade had around 100 kids, not including 8th grade, because half of my classmates' parents pulled them out so they could help out on the farm. Sometimes I wish my mother had done the same. But here I was, 14-year-old James Zandorf (which, did not come from an early draft of a book in the Harry Potter series, in case you were wondering), walking into a building three times the size of the Walmart back home. I had never even heard of Raleigh, North Carolina. Heck, the furthest east I had driven with my mom was to Kansas City, Missouri. Which to me, doesn't even count as "crossing the boarder" since the city shares the name of my home state. But whatever.

Surprisingly, I hadn't gotten the attention that I anticipated when walking into the classroom. Probably due to the fact that I had arrived 10 minutes before the bell to enter the building had even rung. As I slowly started to back my way out to pretend I was never there, the middle-aged lady (whom I hadn't noticed before since her dress nearly blended in with the off-white color of... pretty much everything in the room.

"Hello there! May I help you?", she remarked. Although her voice seemed teacherly, it also reminded me of the greeter at the Walmart back home.

"Is this Freshman 101?"
"Not for the next 10 minutes it isn't."
"Oh I'm sorry, I'll come back."
"No! Please come in. I always like to meet the overly anxious students."

Great, I had just set myself up as the teacher's pet, better known as the laughing stock of the entire class. While I was almost tempted to turn around and run down the hall, covering my face so no future teachers would recognize me, her grandmotherly smile seemed to have more of a calming affect on me than I would have imagined.

"Let me guess, you're.... Tyler Yates?"

I have no idea how Tyler Yates is anywhere close to James Zandorf, other than both being in the lower denominator of names in the before-mentioned class roster. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm one of the most socially awkward people on the planet.

So socially awkward that last year during middle school graduation, I replied to nearly each "Congratulations" with "You're Welcome" instead of the more appropriate response. And those people were the lucky ones. But that was not nearly as humiliating as the day we moved to Raleigh and Julia, the neighbor kid, coerced my mother into letting her come say hello to me in my room. I, of course, had no idea anyone was in the house, let alone some stranger, so I was sitting at my computer with the door wide open and pants down to my knees. You don't even have to guess what I was doing. I don't know how long she was standing there watching me, but when she knocked on my already open door, I jumped up faster than a groundhog seing its shadow. She stared at me with a flushed red face, not that mine was any less red.

"Hey there! you must be...", she started as I quickly pulled the jacket from my floor to cover my exposed bottom. Without thinking, I shrieked out an answer to a question that hadn't even been asked of me.

"Gay?.... I mean James. Oh my god, sorry."

Oh, did I mention that I was gay?


Times up. So what do ya think? I know it's not perfect. This is a first draft without any revision. I haven't even read it yet. I always get praised for my essays but I've never tried to sit down and write a fictional story from scratch. I got really into this. Almost to the point where I want to keep going. Should I?


Sunday, July 15, 2012


This is more of a recommendation than a product review, but nevertheless, this entry is about a book I just finished reading that had a very strong impact on me. That book is Sprout, by Dale Peck.

I'm not much of a reader. Well, at least when it comes to being forced to read a book that was written 5 billion years ago about colonial era sluts who are accused of being witches. But every now and then I will get the craving to read a young adult fiction book. But not just any book. It has to involve a young or teenage boy or I won't read it. Take Lord of the Flies for example. I was never required to read it at school, but did so during "reading time" in my 10th grade English class where we were allowed to read any book of our choosing for 30 minutes each day. I absolutely loved that book and made sure to watch both movies as well. And (dare I say it?), the book was much better.

But above all else, I love reading books about young gay boys. And that is exactly what Sprout is. Sprout is the story of 16-year-old Daniel, nicknamed "Sprout" because of his obsession with dyeing his hair green, who is being tutored by his English teacher to prepare for an Essay Contest for the end of the year. He moved from Long Island to Kansas after his mother passed away from cancer. Sprout wants to write his essay on his sexuality, but his tutor, Mrs. Miller, begins by convincing him that wouldn't be the best idea due to the fact that he was in rural Kansas. It's hard to talk about this book without giving too much away. But basically it is the story about his crushes, family struggles, friendships, sex life, and his developing life-changing relationship with a boy.

I was surprised by the fact that the writing style that the author uses in this book is very similar to the way I write. So if you enjoy my blog and the subtle humor I sometimes use, you will definitely enjoy the book. Sprout could easily be the prequel to TristanTalks, although I can't decide if I'd be lucky or unlucky to have a past like Sprout's. The book itself is written in first person, so you know exactly what is going through Sprouts mind the entire time.

While this book is fiction, it almost feels too realistic to not be autobiographical in some aspects. Plus, with the author's name being Dale Peck, he was most likely called "Pecker" as a child, which is probably the equivalent analogy to a penis as "Sprout". But that's just a guess. The REAL connection is even more surprising. The book is dedicated to a man named Lamoine Wiebe with the following statement, "in the hope that he'll always find his way back home." Without giving anything away, this sounds very much like a reference to the boy that Sprout becomes involved with later in the book. So me, being the overly curious internet-obsessed teenager that I am, Googled the name. It turns out that a man by the same name (and state) is accused of murdering his father in 2011 and 2 weeks ago faced his preliminary hearing. This came as a huge shock to me because 1) The boy who I believe was based off of Lamoine in the story had a horrible, abusive father and 2) This book was published in 2009, but the author was born in 1967, making the events that probably took place having to have occurred in the early 1980s. I am now fascinated by the topic and the possibility that Lamoine was the character in the book and would love to get in contact with the author to hear his opinion on the issue. However, I have been unable to find any contact information for Dale Peck online.

Here is a link to where you can purchase the book. You can get a used paperback version for less than $2. Yes, I do get a portion of the profit when you purchase using the link below. So think of it as not only a gift to yourself, but a donation to help keep the blog running (I just paid for another year of owning You will definitely not regret it.

Happy reading,
Tristan Skyler

Monday, July 2, 2012

Booty Nudity

It can't be just me that notices this nation's obsession with nudity, right?

Okay, so Gymnophobia may be the more appropriate word. As a society, we view nudity as a horrible evil along the same lines as infidelity and assault. Just a few months ago a preteen boy was arrested in a nearby city for exposing his genitalia in a public park. Apparently an elderly lady saw him and it got her feeble heart racing so her daughter decided to press charges.

The question is: Is nudity such a bad thing?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm innocent to society's influences. While the only time I was exposed to public nudity was at a "topless pool party" of transexual women at an LGBT convention, it still heightened my adrenaline and sent a few negative thoughts my way. However, nobody freaks out when they see a baby naked when it's born. But as soon as that baby learns to walk and talk, it must remain fully clothed at all times. Why is that? 

Personally, I feel that the human body is beautiful in the nude. Especially the youthful figure. I feel that humans are sculpted perfectly, no matter what shape or size. I do not understand why every buttocks, pelvis, or breast must be censored on television. But that's not to say that this censorship is necessarily unnecessary. Most nudity on American television or film is sexual and pornographic. There is a huge difference between artful nudity and sexual nudity.

Artful nudity is the display of the human body in a way that is natural and pure in every sense of the word. Roman statues and Parisian paintings have displayed this nudity for generations. Even some modern foreign advertising uses nudity as a way to convey a message in a powerful way.

Sexual nudity, on the contrary, is what you see in American action films with a leading female slut hero. There is no purpose behind it other than to arouse the viewer. I believe that this kind of nudity is perfectly acceptable to be censored on daytime television.

If artful nudity is shown more frequently, the American demand for sexual nudity is sure to decrease. This isn't saying that the porn industry will fail, that's a whole other topic. But Americans will become less isolated from nudity, and will (over time) change their opinion into a more accepting and self-loving view of the human body.

If we can't love ourselves down to our skin and bones, how can we possibly love ourselves at all?

Yours nudely,

Friday, June 29, 2012


Well, this entry is going to take a completely different turn than what I had planned...

Today I realized that there are certain people out there that are evil enough to try to ruin my entire life and get enjoyment out of it.

Yes, today the ONE person who knew me personally and was my friend at the creation of this blog OUTED me to Jason. He told him about the blog and how I was using it to "allow old men to get off to my sexual encounters with him". If you actually read my blog you would know that is FAR, far from the truth. I changed my approach with the blog as soon as I entered my first real relationship. Yes, before it was a play-by-play (even if some of it was fictionalized) about my experiences with past crushes.

I guess my only emotions right now are shock and anger.

Jason told me about everything that Steven said (Yes, I'm using a fake name for the exposer because I could not possibly lower myself to his level). The worst part was, they discussed it over video chat, meaning there is no chat log that I can physically see other than what Jason tells me happened. I don't know how the message was delivered, how many other bullshit lies were spread, or how Jason really responded to the situation.

Jason chose not to learn of the actual address to the blog, so as of right now (to as much of my knowledge) he hasn't read anything. But with that being said, I plan to reveal it to him at some point in the near future. I WILL NOT change or remove any entries, because I want him to know exactly what was said and realize my intentions were not to expose him.

To YOU, Steven. I'm not sure how you can live with what you did and not feel guilty. You of all people should know that this blog was created as a record of my life so that other LGBT youth and teens can have someone to relate to. I've written back and forth with many of my readers who have only commended me and thanked me for my honesty and support with being gay or a boy-lover. I guess all I have to say to you is that you should feel foolish for your decision today. Karma is a bitch.

To you, JASON. Here is a quote from a previous entry written several months ago just in case you happened to discover the blog.
"Jason", if you ever stumble across this blog, please don't judge me before you talk to me in person about it. Don't think that I do this to expose you or anyone at all. I do it to tell my story to hundreds of other regular readers who struggle with similar situations. Some things aren't exactly as they happened, mainly for the purpose of keeping both you and I anonymous online.
 I've texted you a few times back and forth now, but I do not feel comfortable leaving it as our conversation ended. I know that you still love me and I definitely still love you. I wasn't keeping this secret from you for any other reason than the fact that it contained some detailed encounters with my past crushes and my short lived relationship with David. Yes, I may have said a few negative things about you after we had our "break", but I read most of them to you in person, even though I disguised it as my personal journal rather than a blog.

 I plan to continue the blog. I guess Steven wanted me to shut it down because of this. However, I will never mention Jason or any specific person ever again. I planned to do an entry about how great his visit this past week was but I guess plans have changed.

To all of my readers, all I can say is that I'm sorry this happened. You have Steven to blame. I went from a very high point in our relationship (at the end of our visit), to an absolute low point in a matter of hours. Any words of support to me or Jason in the comments would be appreciated.


Friday, June 8, 2012

Mama Drama

So I tend to avoid discussing some very personal details of my life and family, but I figured this issue would be somewhat important to write about.

As many of you know, my parents have rarely gotten along. They are always fussing and fighting about every little issue. Lately, my little brother has decided that he will not return to the house as long as my mother lives there. This all started after they got in an argument and we called the police on him. He claims that she doesn't let him do anything and is ruining his life. Now, I guess that's the normal teenage response. The thing is, my brother skipped 3 of his 4 classes this semester every single day, and failed the only class he went to. He smokes pot and steals from my family (including my iPod, which is, as far as I know, the only thing he has stolen from me). Anyways, my dad, as usual, is siding with my brother. My mom thinks this is an excellent opportunity to move out and separate from my dad. I've supported her decision to do this for quite a while... but in a way I'm not ready for it.

Jason is coming to visit me in 2 weeks. We were supposed to go to the beach next week as a family but now my parents say we have to split it up since my brother refuses to share a house with my mom. My dad and brother will go for two days, then my mom and I will go for 2 days. It's absolutely ridiculous. My mom also suggested we take the opportunity to move all of our stuff to an apartment. I guess I'd be more okay with that if Jason wouldn't be coming the following week. I don't want him to walk into the middle of that drama. Even though he would still be by coming here. Besides, I've lived in the same house and room for 19 years, and the reason for him coming is so that he can get insight into my life that he wouldn't be able to at college. I want to show him my old Christian School (and I secretly want to take a picture kissing him in front of it), my high school, the park where I had most of my birthday parties, plus the friends he hasn't already met. Plus we are going to a concert by a certain british boy band while he is here that we are both ecstatic about.

Naturally, I asked his opinion and he said he would prefer to see my room as it is now. That's all I needed to tell my mom I'm not ready to move out yet. She said "Jason must be more important to you than I thought". I didn't respond, but she was obviously right.

In unrelated news, I was in Blockbuster today looking for a movie to watch tonight when I found something besides a movie to watch. There was this guy there with short blonde/brown hair who looked to be about 15 or 16 and had a striking resemblance to Niall Horan. We awkwardly made eye-contact when I first noticed him in the same aisle. The most interesting part was, when I moved away I noticed him looking up and down the aisles in search of someone (he was there alone). I made my way to the line and I saw that he noticed me and then he got in line too. Unfortunately, the store was empty so I went to the register before he got behind me and left as he was just getting to the register. Is it wrong that I am enjoying things like this even though I have a boyfriend? Is it normal to look at attractive guys if you are in a committed relationship? I guess that's a topic for another day.

Thoughts about anything in this entry? Leave me a comment.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Faith or Fate?

I actually took this picture myself in Paris. Something about this statue fascinated me. If anyone has any more information on it I'd love to know!

Today as I was on my way to purchase a video game, I witnessed something that could possibly change my life...

Not two cars behind me, I saw a large rental truck spin out of control, shoot across the median, into oncoming traffic, and across the street into a field. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, but I was very shaken up. I had to pull over and call my mother and talk it through with her. I was shaking and sobbing. I don't think anything has ever made me feel the way that I felt at that moment. If I had just been going a little slower or was delayed by a few seconds, I would have been in the pathway of that truck and driven into the median and into oncoming traffic. The worst part was, it wouldn't have been an easy, instant death, as the whole event lasted at least 10 seconds. In that time everything that has happened in my life would flash in front of my eyes. Luckily I managed to stay calm until I pulled over. I have only witnessed two other accidents in my life, but both were when I was very young and I can only remember short glimpses of them. But I will remember today forever.

NOTE: If you are offended by religious discussion, stop reading here.

It made me start thinking about the afterlife. Something I don't usually ponder. As you know, I consider myself a Christian. Having been raised in a Christian school for the majority of my life, I was instilled with Christian values. However, as I get older I realized that a lot of the Christian ideals are nothing like my beliefs. First off, I do NOT think that it's my responsibility to CHANGE anyone. Local pastors have been getting a lot of negative attention lately by the media and they make me almost ashamed to share the same religious "status" as them.

Not only that, but I personally believe that a lot of the Bible was written as parables by religious leaders of the time. It's obviously not the direct word of God as many claim. I don't remember reading about how the book ascended from the heavens and was the guideline for all humans to follow. A lot of it is prejudiced, but also fitting for the society of the time.

Let's get one thing straight. I DO believe in a God. I believe there is an omniscient power out there that created life. That being said, I believe in a lot of the ideals of Evolution. But I believe that these were set in place by God. Whether God is directly involved in all of our lives today is uncertain. But I think free will prevails over all.

Now for the matter of Jesus Christ. I honestly have purposely avoided deciding on whether or not I believe everything about him. I do not doubt that he was a man, a very good and religious man who did many great things during his lifetime. But I also think the idea of Jesus and the Holy Spirit are conflicted. I have always been told that you have to "accept Jesus into your Heart" to be saved. I don't think this necessarily means you have to believe that he was the Son of God. I have accepted the Holy Spirit into my heart, and whether Jesus existed or not doesn't really matter to me if I have that.

Heaven. Real? Fiction? To be honest, I don't think about it. I feel that whatever happens, happens. If it does exist, I feel I have done what I need to do to get "in". If not, then it isn't as great of a place as it's imagined to be. And if all gay people go to Hell... well I'd much rather go there. There's a lot of sarcasm in that statement of course. However, if Heaven doesn't exist and we all just disappear into nothingness, then I don't have anything to worry about, do I? And if I come back as a ghost... well, that would be bloody brilliant.

So yes, I consider myself a Christian. But not by the standards that society puts upon Christians.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Do It All Again

This entry was inspired by the title of my last entry. The question is...

If you could go back in time, would you do it all again?

This is a difficult question since:
A) It wasn't that long ago.
B) There has to be a set time/age I would want to go back to.
C) Would I have the same mindset as I do then as I do now?

Let's start with A. Whether you believe me or not, I really am a newly turned 19-year-old. I've been doing this blog since I was 16. I am still unsure whether I am "too old" to be where I want to be with guys. I feel like I am, but a lot of you may tell me that I'm not. I mean, I can still hang out with 14-15 year olds without it seeming weird. Although dating them is definitely frowned upon. So would I want to relive my boyhood so soon? Not really, I'd rather wait until I'm old and wrinkly before I decide to do that.

Now to B. I'm still undecided on the age I would want to be. If we are talking about physical appearance, I'd like to go back to around 11. I think that was when I was at my prime. This will probably be weird to say, but I look at pictures of myself at that age and I find myself attractive. Granted I looked at least 3 years older than I really was, I was cute. If I wanted to go back to the days of early experimentation that I missed out on, I would say 8 or 9 years old. But that would mean I'd have 4 or 5 more years to go before I could start seriously dating guys. Plus at that point I wouldn't even be truly interested in guys sexually.

Which leads me into my next problem, letter C. If I had the same mindset as I did back then, I don't think anything would be any different and the whole trip back in time would be worthless. However, if I am aware of the fact that I'm going back in time and think like I do now, I think I'd be opened up to so many other opportunities. Firstly, I'd leave my private school much earlier than I did so I could go to middle school with many other guys questioning their sexuality. I would be a lot more willing to be openly gay and would probably have the opportunity of dating younger guys. Remember, I've always been attracted to roughly the same age range, so it'd give me a chance to date guys I think are the most attractive. Of course in the long run, those relationships wouldn't be very meaningful, but at least I would have the memories of it other than my imagination. The only thing close to that that I do have are my experiences with my neighborhood friend Caleb but I didn't find him attractive. I guess my experiences with Mikey are my best memory from that age range. Even though I never really touched him, I did see his penis a lot and rubbed him through his clothes. It was the first time in my life I've ever been physical with someone I liked.

So I'm undecided if I would do it all again. Plus that would mean I would have to suffer through all the useless high school work all over again. Eww...

What would you do? I'm interested in your choice and why.

-Tristan <3

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Time Travel

Well the summer is in full swing and I'm halfway through my month of being Jason-less while he visits his family in the mid-west. Things are going alright though, I've enjoyed the time to myself and with my friends back home.

I've also been with Mikey a lot helping him with a project. He has lost pretty much all his appeal to me. He smells really bad (he doesn't bathe regularly) and he really needs to start shaving his face more regularly. He just looks very care-free, which is totally fine for a guy, but it's not the way he used to be. He still does little things to try to swoon me like watching porn beside me or making comments like "sometimes I wonder if I am gay and don't know it" when watching himself back on video. But as I said earlier, he doesn't appeal to me like he used to.

Today I took a visit back to the place where I took video production classes my senior year. The seniors in the advanced class were premiering their final projects while the juniors finished filming so I decided to come watch. All of the films were just average, and apart from one guy with a really cocky attitude, there were no guys of interest there.


About 20 minutes before class was over, I noticed a familiar face walk into the room. Duncan. In case you are a new reader (or one without an everlasting memory), Duncan was in my Intro Video class back in the Fall of 2010. My first entry mentioning him is here: A New School Year, New Start?. As he turned to walk back out we made eye contact and I waved. He responded by a shocked look and then a quick "Hey Tristan!". My heart was racing because it had been so long since we've talked. He was sporting a new look. While his dress before was a bit gothic, he had gone full-blown emo. I usually am really turned off by that, but he rocked it and seemed almost like a Hot Topic model. His hair was in this crazy style with spiked and waves. It looked really cool. The best part... his face hadn't changed a bit. He still looked years younger than his age. He could easily pass as an 11-year-old in closeups. Anyways, he came back to the room a little while later and was standing at his computer. Me, with my newly found boost of confidence, approached him and asked to see his final project. He was really happy to show it to me. Turns out his was the best of the class. The most interesting thing was, everyone in the class seemed to really like him and look up to him. At the beginning of my 12th grade year when I had class with him, everyone talked badly about him and I was one of the only ones who took up for him. It made me happy to know that he had earned the respect of the others in the class. Plus, he really is that good at what he does.

I've talked to Jason off-and-on, usually a few texts every day and a phone call once a week. He seems to be doing well. His mom is still being a real bitch about dissing gay-related topics, such as Amendment 1 and Obama's support for it. But he seems to handle it better than I would. I do wish he'd stand up for himself for once though.

Does anyone still read this? While that might be a good thing, I'm starting to feel a little lonely without the comments. I love getting feedback and new topic ideas. HMU! ;)


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Dog Days

Well, I'm guilty.

I haven't updated you guys on anything since April and I feel horrible for it. Because truth is, a lot has happened but a lot hasn't changed.

It's now Summer, and it won't be until late-August until I get to be Jason's roommate. The good thing is, we have a week long camping trip planned for mid-July and also subsequent visits to each other's hometown. He should be coming here mid-June.

To say I miss him would be an understatement. However, it doesn't feel nearly as bad as Christmas Break did because at the time I was worried to death about whether he still liked me. Now I know that he not only likes me, but loves me. And I love him too. He is everything I want in a boyfriend (and possibly a future husband). He is amazingly good looking even though I haven't noted it before. I know I touched on it a little bit, but it took me until now to realize his true beauty. But of course that isn't nearly the most important thing. I feel like we are one in the same. Meaning I feel like we are connected somehow in spirit. I've felt this connection since the beginning, but it's even stronger now.

The only thing I can think of that makes me a little weary is the true reasoning behind why he dumped me. He always just says he "wasn't thinking" or he doesn't know why he did it. He's too smart of a kid to really mean that and I think he's covering up something. I'm not going to question him about it though because he seems completely over it and committed to me now.

What I think is the most amazing thing is the fact that he sometimes mentions his future and how he plans to make me a part of it. He always blushes when he talks about it, but he sometimes talks about us moving in together after college and getting married and adopting and growing old together. I guess this is a normal thing for a serious couple to do, but I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I know that we are young, and young love usually isn't the smartest thing, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with us spending our lives together. He accepts the fact that I'm attracted to younger boys, and that would be my biggest secret in a relationship, yet I can be honest with him about it. Now that doesn't mean I go around the city pointing out cute boys to him, but occasionally he will make a comment about a boy in a store or something saying "I bet you'd like him". He's usually right.

So for the summer, what would you like me to write about? I'm happy to write every day as long as I have some topics. I'm going to Mikey's house to work on a project with him tomorrow. We will see if that stirs up some emotional drama for my fragile heart.

Tristan Skyler

Sunday, April 15, 2012


So, not much has changed since my last update. I have been in contact with David (maybe a little too much if it were up to Jason) and things seem to finally be settled down. Things might still be awkward at the youth group meeting, but the leader knows about the breakup so I'm sure she will keep things under control.

As for Jason, things are... perfect. Everything in our relationship has been steady. I haven't had to doubt anything at all and he has been honest with me completely. The only time this really hurt me was when I made reference to a comment he made several months earlier while we were in the movie and saw Zac Efron in a trailer and I told him "He was better when he was younger" and he had responded "Tristan, you will notice that happens to everyone". At the time I didn't think about it much and took it as a joke. After I brought it up again (to remind him we had seen this trailer) he told me he meant more by that. He said that deep down he has been worried if I will still like him when he starts to look older and more his age. I started crying at this point. I had no idea that he was concerned about this. I reassured him that no matter how superficial I was when it came to being wooed by a celebrity's good looks, it meant absolutely nothing about how I see someone I'm dating. I told him that I would still like him the same as now when he got older and looks mean nothing. He said he was glad to get that off his chest and I thanked him for being honest.

I have also begun to tell him that I love him. I actually mean it and am not afraid to use that word with him. As you know (if you read my entry a few weeks ago), I don't like using that word unless I truly mean it. I honestly can see myself with Jason my whole life and I think he sees me that way too. If I lost him again I would be devastated.

An issue that has come up in the back of my mind is whether or not I can get over love to love another. My "love" (or what I considered love was before. Probably just lust.) for Mikey is still there, and coming home this past weekend and visiting with him didn't help those feelings subside. But I love Jason at a different level. I'm sure things will be fine, but it kind of bothers me knowing my heart isn't completely focussed on Jason.

I have deviated from the topic of this entry, but I guess it's a good thing that things aren't entirely as perfect as they seem. However, I'm happy, and Jason is happy with me. And that's all that matters, right? Our relationship is completely comfortable, and while we haven't gone all the way yet, I feel that will come naturally very soon. We have already begun talking about getting condoms for it and have joked around about it. We are like little kids when it comes to that, and I enjoy the fact that our sexual moments aren't serious and nerve-racking. We make them fun and relaxed.

Should I be worried about the fact that I am happy?


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Letting Go to Bring Back In

 I haven't updated in a few weeks. Although this was mainly due to my personal laziness, it's also because I didn't do a lot of thinking before acting...I know, that's almost always a mistake.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been getting very sexual with Jason.To the point where we were both completely nude in bed, playing with each other and even spending the night together.Even though I knew it was wrong (because I was still dating David), it felt so right. I was beginning to notice he was a completely different person than when we first started dating.

But something had changed...

Trevor, a guy from our school's GSA, had begun flirting with Jason. I was becoming extremely jealous, and Jason knew it. He assured me that he didn't like Trevor and would never date him, and I accepted it and told him I had no right to be jealous even if he did. Whether I had the right to or not didn't matter. It felt horrible knowing this guy was hitting on him when I still had feelings for him. I couldn't let him take Jason from me.

So I did the unthinkable...

Monday, I was having a regular text conversation with David and we were discussing his prom (which he invited me to several weeks before). I had previously accepted, but since my feelings for Jason were currently so strong, I wouldn't have felt right at prom with him, especially since I had been technically "cheating" on him.

I told him that I wasn't sure it would be best for us to go to prom together. At first I tried to brush it off as my way of saying "it wouldn't be fair to you since I'll be gone over the summer", but I went for it and told him everything. And by that I mean EVERYTHING (except the "cheating"). I told him about how I never got over Jason and how I don't think I ever will. I tried my best to not make it seem like his fault and he told me he understood but his voice over the phone sounded very depressed.

It wasn't until today that I heard from him again, thus ending my anxiety. I called the leader of the youth group that we are both a part of and told her the situation. It was really comforting to hear that I did the right thing, whether I believe so or not.

So here I am. The good news is Jason has become very emotionally involved with me now that he knows he has me wholeheartedly. This is the kind of relationship we should have had in the beginning. I told him I didn't want to make it "Facebook Official" for a while because I didn't want to come across as one of those people who has a new boyfriend every week. While he was ready to make it 100% official, I told him he could make it official between us again. So less than an hour ago, the words I had been wanting to hear all this time came smoothly from his lips as we lay together, embracing each other with intertwined legs,

"Will you be my boyfriend?"


Monday, March 19, 2012

Incredibly Close Call

As some of you noticed, this past weekend I took the site down for a couple of days. This is due to an URGENT situation. I had opened a new browser tab and it showed "top sites" while in Jason's room. This site was on the list and he asked what "TristanTalks" was. I immediately clicked out of it and said "I don't know, nothing". Lame response, I know. But I was very embarrassed and nervous. I'm still not sure if he's forgotten about it and he might just be waiting before he checks it out. He knows I keep a journal (but not online) so it's not entirely a secret. But still...

"Jason", if you ever stumble across this blog, please don't judge me before you talk to me in person about it. Don't think that I do this to expose you or anyone at all. I do it to tell my story to hundreds of other regular readers who struggle with similar situations. Some things aren't exactly as they happened, mainly for the purpose of keeping both you and I anonymous online.

If you don't see this, thank you. I am very lucky that you didn't discover my only secret from you.


I'm in a very emotionally confused state today. Jason seemed very upset last night after I got back from my date with David. And I think it's my fault...

I really need to get things figured out in my own head before I go messing with someone else. Last night I saw that he was upset so I began rubbing his back and neck, then eventually stroking his cheek. I like comforting him. But I probably took it farther than a friendship level.

I had been doing stuff like this before, but this time it hit me hard because just a few hours before I was in my bed with David having the same thing done to me (and much more of course). Maybe the whole top/bottom thing is hindering me from being able to decide.

I REALLY like when David does stuff to me. Last night he started tickling me and ended up on top of me and began intensely making out with me. Even though I consider myself a leader, I like being played with and in a way "dominated". No, I'm not talking about anal sex. Never done that before so I wouldn't know.

BUT, I also really like being the caring type of person towards Jason. I like rubbing his back and just caressing him and holding him close to me.

Jason has great looks, a great personality, but has me confused with his emotions towards me.
David has okay looks, a bit of an annoying personality, but really expresses that he loves me.

Which is the better choice?


Monday, March 12, 2012

Check Up

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because our spring break was this past week but even that isn't much of an excuse since I spent most of it sitting at home playing video games.

I decided to dedicate this entry to an update on the 3 guys you care about most: David, Jason, and Mikey.

Today officially marked our "one month" and unlike Jason, he remembered and actually seemed to care. He also told me that he loved me today. Again with the strong word. I don't know, maybe I'm just weird, but I don't just toss around that word. The only people I say "I love you" to are my parents and my best friend. I told him I wanted to wait a while before I said that just so I can be sure. And I'm not entirely sure what it means to love someone. Don't get me wrong, I really like him, but I don't know him enough to say I love him. I love being with him. By the way, Titanic wasn't lying, cars really do get super-steamy when you have sex in the back seat. With David I got my first blowjob that I ACTUALLY cummed during. It was funny because he was embarrassed that it was taking him so long to do it but I did my best to assure him that was normal. I think things are going well for us. I'm starting to feel like we're moving to quickly sexually, but compared to the rest of society we are "taking it slow". I just wish there was a polite way to tell him that I enjoy doing stuff, but I'd rather just kiss on some occasions. Every time we make out it leads to that. But I guess it was partially my fault this time because I recommended we go to the beach at night.

Oh, boy. Things are still pretty normal with Jason but I still sense a strong awkwardness when I'm with him and mention David. It's not that I try to. It's just that right now my life revolves around both of them and it's hard to not mention the other. He hasn't tried anything with me to convince me into liking him again, but that doesn't mean he's not desperately waiting for us to break up. I don't like that. But like I said before, I'm not sure I want him to move on either because I still could see myself with him. I don't know how, after all the bullcrap he put me through. But he's still really attractive to me, plus we are so much alike. It's hard to say that we weren't meant to be.

I haven't mentioned him in a while because I haven't had too much contact with him. But over spring break I hung out with him 3 separate times at his house. I was all wrong in thinking I was over him. The first day we were together we met at a fast food restaurant and he asked me "Do I look different?" I looked into his eyes and said "Yeah... better". He blushed and changed the subject. Later that day we sat on his couch on his laptop and as usual he sat extremely close to me where we were touching. Although he is almost 16, he hasn't aged (in the face) past 14. Another day we were at his house with two of his cousins (ages 6 and 9) and he tried to wrestle with me on the couch, which led to more grabbing for both of us. By the way, I loved his cousins. I don't know why but when I'm with younger kids I always feel really happy. I guess it's just remembering my youth. Wrestling with them was even more fun than with Mikey because they didn't hurt me. Mikey still claims to be straight, and I guess I have to stick with that. But God, I can't get enough of being with him.

So going back to the word love. Is it wrong that I can honestly say I love Mikey? If you love someone you can't have, is it considered cheating?


Monday, February 27, 2012

Split Decisions

So now that I've had some time to think things over... I'm even more confused.

I talked it out with Jason for a really long time Thursday night, and he decided to wait for me to be single again. This kind of upsets me but there isn't really anything I can do to change his mind.

Friday night, however, I feel like I led him on with false hope. We had a lot of free time together. We had planned to learn some choreography to a few pop songs, but after he had a 2 hour phone conversation with a family member I told him I was no longer in the mood to dance. He laid on the floor while we were listening to music. I noticed that he was within reach of my feet. Without thinking, I put my feet on his back and began "massaging" his back to the music. I should have stopped it there. Later in the night I was laying on the other bed in his room and he was standing next to it. I told him it was okay if he laid with me...

I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was trying to comfort him and make him feel like I still care about him even though we aren't dating. While laying together I wrapped my arms around him like normal.

But for some reason, I didn't notice a change in his emotions. In fact, it felt just like before. He laid there without even moving or talking. I guess he felt a little guilty, but I had told him he would have to "prove" that he was more into me if he ever wanted me back, and he didn't take the advantage. No, I would not have kissed him or did anything sexual, but he could have at least touched my chest or something.

So in a way, this was a deciding moment for me. I would not be happy going back to Jason because nothing would be different. I am staying with David.

In other news, I went on an unforgettable date with David on Saturday.

We went to the movies at 5. We had texted Friday night and he told me he wanted to make out and "do stuff" during the movie. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm going to pay $10 to see a movie, I actually want to watch it. I told him I'd rather night and if we want to do that... I have a car.

The movie ended at 7. During the movie we didn't do much more than last time. He cuddled with me as usual and gave me a big hug after it was over.

"So, what do we do now?", he asked.

We spent an hour and a half going through the book store and the video game store. Afterwards he suggested we go to my car.

I went back to being "clueless" once we were in my car and started thinking of places we could go. He suggested we just sit there. I had the radio playing and after a while laid my seat back. He did the same but said it was uncomfortable.

"We could move to the back", I suggested.

We went to the backseat. Without even a second going by, he pulled me to him, placing my head on his chest. We hung the sheets of fabric over the windows to "block out the light". He then tilted my head towards him and began kissing me. This led to a very long makeout session, and it had to be the best kissing experience I have ever had. After a few minutes, he grabbed my hand and put it on his stomach (with his shirt lifted up). I wasn't sure what he was doing, so I began gently rubbing it. He then grabbed my hand and moved it lower... I could feel his erection. I told him that I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. He said "just do whatever". I'll just say it didn't go farther than our hands. Then we headed back to his house so he would be there in time for curfew.

Afterwards, I felt guilty. Maybe it was because of the fact that we moved too quickly, which is what I was hoping to avoid. I mean, we have only been dating like 2-3 weeks. I liked the making out part, that was great. But when he started moving my hand to his crotch I was a little unsettled. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't feel happy about it. In a way, I kind of felt like I was cheating on Jason. Which doesn't make sense because Friday night I technically "cheated" on David. But that didn't feel like cheating as much as this.

I guess I was okay with it because this was the first time in my life that I've felt loved by another guy. I liked to think that I felt that way with Jason, but he never showed any emotion. David likes to pull my close to him and stroke my chest and face while kissing me. He knows how to show his affection. I prefer little things like that.

So this weekend has been both a confusing one and a decisive one. I have decided that I plan to keep David as my boyfriend and to let Jason either wait for me, or move on.



Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Soap Opera

I know I don't usually blog this often, but something extremely dramatic has come up. My life currently feels like a badly written soap opera but there's nothing I can do.

So after having dinner with David last night and kissing him goodnight (the best kiss so far), Jason texts me saying he feels like crying. I asked him what was wrong but he only told me that he doesn't think he's ready to tell me yet. As YOU ALL know, something like that makes me worry more than anything. After a bit of haggling, he sends me a message saying this.

"I made a huge mistake... we should have never broke up. I know you have David now but you have to realize that I love you and always will."

My only reasonable reaction was "WHAT THE HELL"

(Refer to this entry to read about the breakup)

He told me that he felt protected and loved while laying with me and now he just wants to return the favor. He had felt depressed for the first time in his life. He said he wasn't asking for a decision right away.

That's when I told him that I had already made my decision.

"I'm sticking with David for now. It would be a jackass move on my part to breakup with him after spending so long convincing him I was over you."

He said it wasn't what he wanted to hear. So I left him with this message for the night.

"Jason, I don't want to keep you up all night talking about this. I have a lot of questions but those can be asked at another time. I gave you time to change your decision but after a month I figured it was safe to move on. I'm not going to say I completely got over you, but I was able to give someone else a chance. And I like David, I really do. No, we don't have as strong of a connection as I felt with you, but he shows me that he likes me, something I worried about throughout our entire relationship. I feel if you really loved me them you wouldn't have just let me go like that with the reason you gave me. You would have worked with me to fix it like I wanted to do but you told me it couldn't be done. So no, I'm not going to drop David to be with you again. What would that say about me as a person? I care too much about people to ever hurt them at the level you hurt me. I'm not saying the chances of anything happening between you and I is over. But I plan to follow through with dating David unless something happens and we break up".

I texted him this morning apologizing for being so harsh. We talked more about it but he persisted with the fact that he was completely in love with me. I know you guys don't really know him like I do, but this is completely uncharacteristic of him. First of all, neither of us use the word "love" lightly. The only guy I've ever loved was Mikey. Not that I won't eventually love someone else, but he's the only one that's made it to that level with me. For him to say he loved me was a huge blow.

So I honestly don't know how to react. He broke my heart because he said he never liked me more than a friend, but now he's just saying he was confused and didn't know what to call it.

Is this an act of jealousy? He knows about David and knows that I like him a lot. Is he just trying to destroy that? Do I want to go back to him?

I am much happier with my relationship with David than I ever was with him.

So I plan to stick to my decision. I'm not going to break up with David to get back with Jason. That isn't fair, to either of them.

So as you can see, my life is like the climax of a bad Lifetime soap opera and I don't know where it's turning. I need some plot twists, leave me a comment!


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Brother Lover

No, this entry isn't about incest. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

It's about my relationship with David.

I'm not doubting it already, if that's what you're thinking. I think it is going great and seeming much more like a relationship than what I had with Jason. Saturday we were together all day and he wasn't afraid to touch me or hold me by the waist in public. To be perfectly honest, I did feel a little uncomfortable at times with this public display of affection, if you can call it that. Not that it didn't feel great, but I know we got some stairs from people that wouldn't approve of us being gay. But that aside, the day went great and the bus ride back from the event we went to was even better. We got the whole back row to ourselves so we cuddled together and I rested my head on his chest. We ended the night with 2 goodnight kisses. He texted me later apologizing for being a horrible kisser, but in reality it was probably my fault due to my lack of experience.

But the more I'm with David, I see something that I never saw with Jason but did with Mikey. I feel almost like I'm filling a "big brother" role for David. I'm not sure why, as he's only a year and a half younger than me. But a lot of the time I feel the need to protect him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Maybe it's just because I felt that Jason didn't need any guidance. David has about the same maturity level as Mikey, which I like a lot. So I guess this whole big brother feeling is a good thing?

I'm meeting with David in a few hours to go to dinner. Hopefully we get some cuddling time in there somewhere as well!


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Official or Not, Here I Come

So today was my big date with David. I met him at work at 3pm. I waited a few minutes for him to get the okay from his boss to leave, then we headed out. We went to get pizza but I had recently eaten lunch so I didn't eat but had a nice conversation with him.

After eating, we went back to his house so he could get a coat. I stayed in the living room and played with his dog (no, not a sexual term for his penis, I mean the animal). Then all of a sudden the door flung open and a little girl came in. I jumped up and stood there awkwardly and said "hi". She didn't respond. Then a man came in, his stepdad.

"You must be Tristan"
"Yes sir"
"Nice to meet you. I'm David's stepdad"
"You too"
"By the way, Tristan. Next time you park in the driveway... pick a side"

I realized that while parking I didn't leave room for another car. Mainly because I wasn't planning to be long and assumed no one would be coming home. Thank God we weren't doing anything lol.

Afterwards we went to the downtown area of his town (the next one over from mine) and shopped a little before seeing the movie "The Woman in Black". When it was time for the movie, we went to the line to buy tickets. We were both panicing a little because we thought it was rated R so we were worried that they would have to check his ID but fortunately it was only rated PG-13. When we went in the theatre, he asked where I wanted to sit. I told him it was up to him and he said the back. In case you don't know it, the back is usually the "makeout zone'.

The movie started and all was good. I noticed he pulled the armrest down between us. Was he not planning to do anything? That was fine with me, I was glad he made a boundary.

As the movie progressed, I noticed him start to lean towards me. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not. He also moved his leg where it was bumping against mine. He kept tapping my foot but I wasn't sure what to do so I just kept still.

Eventually, he lifted the arm rest, but didn't say anything or make any sudden movements. Eventually though I noticed his head resting on my shoulder. I put mine down lightly but he quickly moved up, as if it were an accident. A few minutes later though he went back down and I stayed still. He found the movie extremely scary. I wasn't very impressed by it. He kept leaning his head closer and closer to mine. For a while he wrapped his arms around me (front and back) and I rubbed his shoulders reassuring him that it was alright. For the majority of the rest of the movie, he kept his arm across my stomach. I rubbed it and eventually ended up holding his hand.

That's as far as it went and I couldn't be happier.

I took him home and we talked about hanging out Saturday. As far as I know, no Valentine's plans were made.

This is probably the last time I will go into detail about our dates. I just thought it would be nice to tell you about our first REAL one.


I told him by text after the date that I was ready to make it official. So we both logged onto Facebook and changed our relationship status.

Suddenly, my Facebook wall appeared with a giant post.

"Tristan is in a relationship with David - February 12, 2012"

So I guess this is it. My coming out moment to all my Facebook friends, except for family friends and family, I hid the post from them. I was nervous but also really excited. I did it.

But in all my excitement I let my guard down.

My phone was dying so I told David to message me on Facebook. He did and I explained to him that I left my charger in Jason's room earlier that day.


He knows about what Jason did to me. I noticed earlier while texting he said his mom was concerned about me and Jason still having a thing but I just laughed it off and assumed he knew we didn't.

This time I'm not so sure...

"Wow what?
"You left it in Jason's room..."
"omg now you're making me feel bad, you know I'm over him."
David is offline.


I don't know, he did say he was going to bed early, but why such a horrible time? Literally 5 minutes before, we made our relationship Facebook official. Now, is he regretting it?

I guess I shouldn't panic yet and just wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm just upset because it was an instant mood-breaker. I texted him telling him I'd prove it to him next time we were together. I'm not really sure what I meant by that but I just want him to know I'm over Jason.

And I really am.


Saturday, February 11, 2012


Alright, so this picture isn't the best way to represent "Rewind", but I couldn't resist.

So I planned to do this entry about my trip to "Creating Change", but something else has come up that definitely deserves attention.

So there's this guy...David.

David goes to the gay-youth group I go to. He's a sophomore or junior in high school. We have talked a few times, especially when I first started going, but usually it's just a "hey" when I get there. He is really hyper and outgoing. He's also gay. I offered him a ride to the meetings a few weeks ago when I was told he doesn't come anymore because he doesn't have a ride. He told me that he did but gave me his number anyways just in case.

Fast forward to this Wednesday.

I was messaging a few people on Facebook when I noticed a new message from him. "Sup" is all it said. We began talking, and he asked if Jason and I still went out. I told him no and about what Jason did to me. 2 hours later, our conversation started to get intense and he told me that he liked older guys, and I shared that I liked younger guys. For some reason he thought I was like 20. He told me he was 17, but then went down to 16 when he found out I was only 18 (sidenote, he was 15 at the end of last year, and if his birthday is in March then he is actually about to turn 16). Anyways, he eventually admitted that he liked me.

I told him that I liked him too...

Which is true, I mean when I first came to the meetings, he was the first one I drove my attention to. He also is young looking which is a plus to me. He does have a long history of depression (and even a suicide attempt 2 years ago), but I am willing to look over that.

So we made plans for Thursday. I was going to pick him up from school then we were going to have a picnic in the park until he had to be somewhere 2 hours later.

Fast forward to Thursday.

I was really nervous on my way to pick him up. This was my first actual "date" I had with a guy. When I picked hi up we stopped by the grocery store nearby first to get food. He seemed really hyper and nervous, which was appropriate I guess. We went to the park and ate. Nothing really special happened. It just seemed like a normal "hanging out" date with a friend. At the end when he had to leave, he gave me a really big hug and that was it.

Fast forward two hours.

New text message.
David: omg I had such an awesome time today!!!

I'm glad that he enjoyed it. I was starting to worry about whether or not it had been a "good" date. But what he said shortly after was a little more concerning.

David: So...are we like official now?

Wow. I've heard of couples moving fast, but I don't think after 2 hours together we can tell if we are meant to be boyfriends so soon. My friend blamed it on the fact that he was still stuck in that "high school mindset" where everyone is in a relationship. He also mentioned that he went into school early to work on something for me for Tuesday (Valentine's Day). That means I have to get him something. How do you buy a Valentine's gift for someone you aren't really dating yet? PLEASE give me suggestions, ASAP!

We are planning to meet at his work Sunday and eat, then hang out for the rest of the evening/night. I'm not sure where or how, but I can predict that it will definitely end in a decision about our relationship. It just seems like things are moving too fast, almost as if he's rushing into it before Valentine's Day just so he has a valentine.


What if this is just another Jason situation? Maybe he doesn't really like me and just wants someone to brag about to his friends. But then again he does seem to be very interested. He has already started calling me "babe" and asked if I prefer that he shaved (meaning his face but I'm sure he implied more). Am I making a mistake by going into this so soon? Or could this be the "high school experience" that I missed out on? Especially with prom coming up soon (if he's really a Junior).

I really do like him, I'm just concerned about whether he wants something as serious as I do.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Biggest Flaw

I would have to say that my biggest flaw is that I care too much.

Since the breakup, I have not spent any less time with Jason. In fact, I am in his room more often than I was before. I also have my car on campus this semester, meaning we have easy access to escape the downtown area.

I just can't find it in my heart to abandon him. Not that I want to, but I feel like I'm suppressing my pain that he has caused. But I need him just as much as he seems to need me. But then again, I was wrong last time. Who's to say he even wants to hang out with me anymore? I don't know what he wants anymore, and I feel for our friendship to work we need some sort of trust and openness with each other. I mean, we are open about our sexuality, but I still feel like he never reveals his feelings. He has his moments where he is very outgoing, usually late at night, but if it isn't for that I basically have to make all of the daily plans.

I'm not trying to be a "drama queen" about the breakup, but it doesn't feel like a breakup. Actually, it feels like a breakup where both parties felt they would be better as friend. I went through a very hurtful breakup, being told that nothing was ever real and I was lied to the whole time. That should be devastating. Why don't I feel any different about him than I did before?

The only difference I've noticed is that I am beginning to have regular contact with other gays in my area. There's one guy that I would say I'm somewhat interested in, but he's already told me that he's not ready to date anyone yet.

In my next entry I will talk about my trip to "Creating Change", which was a Gay Rights convention in Baltimore, Maryland that I attended a week or so ago.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Could You Be So Heartless?

Yes, this post is about what you think it is.

I mentioned in my last entry how Jason decided not to kiss me goodnight Monday and how that confused me. I assumed it was his way of telling me to "man up" and be more dominant.

I made the decision Monday night to discuss it with him on Tuesday. But that came as a harder task than I expected. We went to dinner, GSA, and another Gay-Youth meeting as usual. Then we came back to his room and watched some videos. Everything was going as normal and he didn't seem to be any different than any other day. I waited until he stopped watching and was like "What should we watch now"?

"I know what we can talk about..."

He froze and got really figity, he knew what was coming. He tried to play it off by saying "What, on your phone? Where is it?"

"Why didn't you want to kiss me last night?"

At this moment he reacted in a way that I've never seen a person react. He seemed terrified. He kept stressing over and over how he didn't want to talk about this right now and kept trying to change the subject. He said he was unprepared. After a while he put his shirt over his head and just sat like that, rocking back and forth, silently. I told him that delaying it will only make it worse.

After 30 minutes of work, I finally got one line out of him that he tried several times to say.

"I don't want to lose our friendship"

After I assured him it wouldn't, it took another 20 minutes to get this line.

"I don't think we were ever meant to be more than friends"


Instead of continuing the play-by-play I will sum up his position:

He knew from the beginning that he didn't feel that way about me. He felt like he had to be in a relationship with me for me to be his friend. He lied to himself and to me the entire time and was never into anything we did relationship-wise. He just pretended to want to do things. He realized over Christmas Break that he didn't want to do it anymore so he tried to slowly give hints but ended up not doing it. He refused the kiss because he knew it would get me thinking.

Now for my position:

WHAT THE HELL. I was prepared for you to break up with me. But not like that. Not for you to tell me that nothing we did like that meant anything to you. You only started cuddling with me at the pier because you wanted to stay friends? I'm not buying it. We were great friends before that. You told me you just wanted to be friends "for now" months ago and I was very happy with that. Maybe not at the time but in a few days I was happy. I shared my first kiss, my first sexual touching, and my first blowjob with someone who really didn't care about me. I spent the entirety of the relationship trying to make him happy and only did things I thought he wanted. But to find out he didn't want any of it hurts me the most.

It's like the best 4 months of my life quickly turned into the worst when I realized that nothing was real.

I don't have the time to tell you all the details of how I reacted. I broke down crying after 2 hours when he brought up something completely off topic (my best friend). I'm not sure why, but I blame it on the emotional build up from the past 3 days.


We have decided to remain friends and I forgave him (although I'm unsure if I can fully do that at this point). We ate dinner, went to Biolgy Club, and played Wii in his room tonight. Things felt surprisingly normal, although I kind of wished we had continued discussing how things are.

In a way, I want him to know how upset this makes me, but I also don't want to make him upset. I guess that is still me in relationship mode, putting him above myself. That's something I have to get over.

I hope it's not coming across that I'm being stubborn. It is entirely his fault. He led me on for 4 months, making me think he really liked me (maybe loved me). I was so excited to finally find someone who liked me like that. I pushed myself to limits that I never would have before. And now, all it feels like was a joke.

I'd really like some feedback on this. I know I was trying to avoid personal entries but I feel this was necessary.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Switching Roles

In my current relationship, I am noticing that my boyfriend insists on taking the "submissive" role in the relationship. He has told me this since the beginning, but only now is he really demanding that I take on the "dominant" role.

I don't consider myself either of these roles. I feel like in an ideal relationship, both people should be a little bit of both. You should take turns being both submissive and dominant. Not on a specific schedule, but if there is something that you want, you should go for it and not avoid it just because you are submissive.

My biggest issue with my relationship is that I am unable to sense any emotion from Jason. That being said, I am terrified of making a move on him that he isn't comfortable with. I find myself asking a lot of questions like "What can I do to make you happy?" or "What do you want to do?" when we are cuddling. This doesn't mean I want him to be in control, I just want to know what he wants. Is that such a bad thing?

The reason I'm writing about this is because last night he refused to kiss me. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to be together anymore, but that didn't make much sense since we had just finished cuddling for 2 hours. I'm beginning to think it was because I didn't take the lead with it. However, I did bring up the idea of doing it. But I guess he wanted more of a "Can I kiss you?" than a "We should kiss". They seem the same to me but I guess he wants to be 100% submissive.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I can deal with a relationship like that. I feel like it's unfair for me to do all of the work in it. I am willing to step it up a notch and just go for things, but that's only if he lets me know that he is fully comfortable with everything.

I plan to confront him about this in about an hour and I am very frightened by what his reaction might be. I hope he at least gives me a chance before deciding he wants to break up.

Do you think it is possible to become more dominant if you are generally the submissive type? Vice-versa?

More soon,

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Parental Units

One of the hardest things to do (that I have yet to do) is come out to your parents as gay/lesbian/bi/trans and etc.

For myself, I almost do not feel the need to tell my parents. Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed, but I feel that some aspects of my personal life do not need to be shared with them. Sure, I am their child, but I'm living my life that doesn't involve them much anymore. However, if I were to be in a serious relationship with a guy and was considering marriage, I would probably discuss that with my mother.

I am much closer to my mother than my father, although I'm not close to either of them on most aspects. I hold my friends to higher standards than my parents. They aren't role models to me and they will never be. Especially with my father. He has abused me (both psychologically and physically) since I was a young child. That's not something I admit to many people, but am starting to be more open about it now that I am able to fight back.

He is an alcoholic. If there is a step above that, it's him. The only thing he ever drinks is beer, no matter where he's at or what he's doing. He drinks and drives, he drinks in bed, and he drinks at the dinner table. It's almost as if I've never seen him sober. On some days where he drinks more than usual he becomes very angry and violent.

When I was younger I would only yell and cry to try and make him stop, but that only made it worse. I can recall one situation when I was in the 5th grade (I guess I was around 11) where he held me against a wall by the throat threatening to kill me. The next day I brought it up to my teacher in an almost joking matter since it was all over me doing my homework on the computer. She was very concerned, and told me that she had to report it to the office. This was still when I attended a private school so I didn't hear much about it (neither did my parents) until the situation later in the school year where I was psychologically abused by my principal (I'll save that for another entry if I have not already written about it).

I hate being compared to my father, especially being told that I am "just like him". That is so far from the truth. I feel like we are opposites. I am rarely an angry person, and if I am I don't show it. I care about everyone else's feelings above my own, and I am very open minded about everything. Sure, I like to argue and have strong opinions, but I feel like that is a trait that I admire in people.

What are/were your parents like?

On a sidenote:
I am very hurt knowing that so many of you are displeased about my decision to change the style of this blog. I really didn't want to create a reason for you to stop reading. Like I said, I want to protect myself and the people mentioned, especially Jason. As of now, I have a heightened level of alert about the chances of being exposed. Maybe one day I will start going back to the old style. Please give me a chance to try out the new format before completing shutting me out.

PS: I had a dream about Mikey last night. We were laying in his bed holding hands. It was wonderful :)