Monday, November 14, 2011

Time of My Life?

These past few weeks with Jason have been some of the most memorable moments of my life. Cuddling on the pier has become a common thing, happening 3-4 times a week. This weekend we watched a movie in my bed (Twin size), during which I put my arm around him. When alone, we hold hands. Last night at the pier after cuddling, we sat up and I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder.

But I can't help but have these thoughts about him that are not so appealing. At random times, things pop into my head that I don't like about him. Even if they are minor things like how he doesn't like to initiate anything, they still get to me. I've heard before that loving someone was being able to look past those things, which I have, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. I truly could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Is it wrong to be able to see the flaws in people? Am I being judgmental? I mean, it's not like it changes how I feel about him.

The weirdest thing is, these kind of picky judgements didn't happen with the past guys I have liked. Mikey, Duncan, and a few others were always perfect in my eyes. Is this different because we are actually sort of in a relationship? Or is it because it is very physical that I look for perfection?

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I just felt the need to write it out. It makes me feel like a bad person, I'm never judgmental towards most anyone. One theory is that it is a natural defense mechanism in case things do not work out, so I will be able to say "well I didn't like this about him anyways".

I also get very nervous when he is around other guys, especially when he talks about how attractive they are. This didn't bother me before, because I did it too. But now that we are so much close, I feel kind of hurt when he does mention it. It just makes me feel like I'm easily replaceable. I know I'm not necessarily what he considers attractive, but I feel like a relationship requires more than that.

I don't know. I really want to keep him and develop this thing further. This really has been the time of my life, having someone to hold and be perfectly open with (although he has started the usual teasing about me liking younger guys, but it doesn't really bother me as much with him).

Should I just suppress these feelings? I mean, they are not very strong at all, but I'm starting to lose the excitement that I used to have when we were together. I guess that happens when you are actually in a relationship. Maybe this is all normal, or is it? Ughh, darn me and my lack of experience in anything.


1 comment:

  1. I can tell from reading your blog that you are level-headed and considerate but inexperienced.

    When learning to walk you're going to fall down a few times. It's awkward and painful. It's all a part of growing and I'm happy for you.

    When you look back at these moments you will treasure them, so appreciate the moment, don't fret.