Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mental


I wasn't planning to do an entry today but I felt the need to document how I'm feeling right now.

I don't know what it is, but when I go a day without having  any real conversation with people I get in this weird state of mind where nothing seems real. It's as if I'm living life in third person, but also living it in first person at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like my brain is divided into two parts, both working symmetrically. One is processing the present and is dominant when I'm in situations with other people. But there is another part that is constantly thinking about the past and future which takes over when the other is not necessary. It almost always lowers my mood unless I have something to look forward to or just experienced something worth reminiscing on.

I guess this sounds pretty normal, but I honestly think that the way I experience isn't. I have to consciously turn off the part that is thinking about the past/future to be able to get in a "present" state of mind again.

Another issue is I feel I am watching my life as a movie. Like I'm waiting for the next big plot twist. And as one is actually happening I feel like I take it for granted and don't enjoy it for what it is. Instead I think of what it could lead to. My time with Jason has been amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better friend to help me through college. But maybe I'm expecting too much from him. The fact that he likes me and he's gay doesn't mean he will ever really love me. You don't realize (or maybe you do), how much I want to kiss him. I want us to cuddle when we are laying together in the grass or at the pier. I want to hold hands with him while walking at night or to dinner. Why can't we have what a normal couple has. Are we even a couple, does he want us to be a couple?

I'd ask him, but I never know when the right time would be. His emotions are so hard to read. He isn't good with expressing his feelings, and I'm too reserved to express mine without first knowing his.

What am I doing with my life right now that is important? I don't have a job, I'm not making a difference in anyone's life (except maybe Jason, but that's debatable), and I'm not doing anything I enjoy, other than blogging. I've done volunteer work, but it's all been short term. I want something to strive for, and by that I mean something other than school work.

I don't know, I know I'm rambling and I'm debating whether I should even post this or not. Once I started writing the feelings started to fade so I'm losing inspiration to write about.

Is this bipolar disorder? Depression? Multiple Personality Disorder? What's wrong with me and why can't I just be normal and stable?

-Tristan (If that's REALLY who I am right now)

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