Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Frowny Face


Text Conversation with Jason:

Me: I know. I won't let u have all the fun haha. Btw I've been meaning to ask u: are u still interested in being in a relationship?

Jason: Honestly I don't have that much relationship experience and I don't really know if I'm ready for one right now. I'd want to just be really good friends for the time being.

Me: Alright, I'm okay with that. I just wanted to know. I've sorta felt this way roo but didn't want u to think I was avoiding anything.

Jason :)

:(

At least I don't have to feel bad about still liking Mikey. Thoughts? Do you think anything will ever happen between Jason and I?

-Tristan

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mental


I wasn't planning to do an entry today but I felt the need to document how I'm feeling right now.

I don't know what it is, but when I go a day without having  any real conversation with people I get in this weird state of mind where nothing seems real. It's as if I'm living life in third person, but also living it in first person at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like my brain is divided into two parts, both working symmetrically. One is processing the present and is dominant when I'm in situations with other people. But there is another part that is constantly thinking about the past and future which takes over when the other is not necessary. It almost always lowers my mood unless I have something to look forward to or just experienced something worth reminiscing on.

I guess this sounds pretty normal, but I honestly think that the way I experience isn't. I have to consciously turn off the part that is thinking about the past/future to be able to get in a "present" state of mind again.

Another issue is I feel I am watching my life as a movie. Like I'm waiting for the next big plot twist. And as one is actually happening I feel like I take it for granted and don't enjoy it for what it is. Instead I think of what it could lead to. My time with Jason has been amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better friend to help me through college. But maybe I'm expecting too much from him. The fact that he likes me and he's gay doesn't mean he will ever really love me. You don't realize (or maybe you do), how much I want to kiss him. I want us to cuddle when we are laying together in the grass or at the pier. I want to hold hands with him while walking at night or to dinner. Why can't we have what a normal couple has. Are we even a couple, does he want us to be a couple?

I'd ask him, but I never know when the right time would be. His emotions are so hard to read. He isn't good with expressing his feelings, and I'm too reserved to express mine without first knowing his.

What am I doing with my life right now that is important? I don't have a job, I'm not making a difference in anyone's life (except maybe Jason, but that's debatable), and I'm not doing anything I enjoy, other than blogging. I've done volunteer work, but it's all been short term. I want something to strive for, and by that I mean something other than school work.

I don't know, I know I'm rambling and I'm debating whether I should even post this or not. Once I started writing the feelings started to fade so I'm losing inspiration to write about.

Is this bipolar disorder? Depression? Multiple Personality Disorder? What's wrong with me and why can't I just be normal and stable?

-Tristan (If that's REALLY who I am right now)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Stretching



The longer it lasts, the better it is... right?

These past few weeks with Jason have been some of the best I've had since I started college. Our long walks, talks, and adventures have really made my life so great. He's everything I want... in a friend.

But like I've said before, I've been wanting this thing to develop farther. Apparently telling someone you like them isn't enough anymore for things to go farther.

Thursday was one of the best days in a while. I went with Jason to the GSA meeting, at which we did a bunch of trust building exercises. One involved everyone touching each other to stay a connected line while trying to overcome an obstacle. Obviously I was already standing with Jason so I started by touching him on the shoulder but as we started to move to form the line, I grabbed his hand. Actually his wrist, but after a minute or so I let it slip down to where we were actually holding hands, fingers connected. He didn't say anything, neither did I. The activity took about 20 minutes, and afterwards we let go. Again, nothing was said but I could tell we both enjoyed it.

After the meeting, we ate and then decided to sit in the grass at the park since the weather was nice. This eventually led to us laying side by side and stargazing. We kept seeing these strange flying objects, and it was fun pointing them out to each other because we would grab each others arm to point in the direction. At one point I grabbed his leg. We were so close our elbows and knees were touching. Howie texted me and we began discussing mine and Jason's relationship. I let Jason read everything. He asked if we had been on a date yet which led to a discussion about how we will start calling some of our outings dates. He also asked if we have kissed and Jason didn't say anything. I know I should have taken that opportunity to say "Want to change that so we can send him a 'yes'?", but I didn't think of that until afterward. Oh well. It was a great night.

Friday I invited Jason to this Haunted House and once he said yes I asked if he wanted to consider it a date and he said "Sure, it's a date!". But other than that there was nothing out of the ordinary, other than having to squeeze through this airbag section where I got pushed into him from behind where we were touching more than ever. But I'm not sure if he thought anything about it. I sure liked it.

Saturday Mikey called twice and we talked about theatre. Something he doesn't talk about around Justin or Dylan. I was walking with Jason when he called so I tried to keep it short and make it clear that Jason was more important, but when I called Mikey back we talked for longer. Yes, I still have feelings for him.

Sunday I spent the whole day with Jason shopping for clothes for our gender bender party. He had more fun with it than I did and really liked dressing as a woman and said he wished he could do it more often. Well, at least we know who will play the woman role in this relationship.

We are meeting in 10 minutes to do dinner and a movie. Not expecting much, but if anything happens I'll let you know. Make sure to keep up with my Twitter @TristanTalks for instant updates!

-Tristan Skyler

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Falling Into Break


This entry is a summary of the events of my fall break. I will do it in sections for each day. Don't skip any, they all have interesting parts.

Thursday
This was my last day of class. I told Jason to finish his paper and then we would eat. So he did, but it took longer than expected and he had another paper to type as well. But luckily he finished around 10:30 so we headed out. Not many things are open that late, and it didn't help that it started pouring on us during our search for food. Running in the rain is always fun with him though. I told him again that I planned this and that he looked hotter when he was wet. We ate and had a lot of fun joking around with each other back and forth. We continued our last conversation about me being his slave and he made me run across the street to see if a place was open. I enjoy being his slave and calling him masta ;) We said our goodbyes on the elevator and continued talking until the door closed when I got off on my floor.

Friday
My mom got here at around 9:30am to take me home. Our conversation was very....nerve racking.

Me: Well I wanted to stay for the GSA meeting.
Mom: Oh, the Government Student.... thing?
Me: Umm... no.
Mom: What is it then?
Me: ....Gay-Straight Alliance.
Mom: Ok, I won't ask any more questions.

But our conversation went on.

Mom: Why are you involved in so many pro-gay things?
Me: I don't know...
Mom: Are you just doing it because you like controversial things and debating?
Me: Not really.

Then she joked about her becoming a lesbian to escape my father. In a way I kind of wanted her to go ahead and ask me if i was gay. But I'm sort of glad she didn't so the car ride home wouldn't be awkward.

When I got home I texted Mikey and he told me that they were recording the song that night. They hadn't even mentioned this to me so I was a little upset. I took a nap and woke up to a text from him asking for my address. I asked why and he TOLD me that they were recording at my house. I told him I haven't asked yet and I heard his friend in the background say "Get in the f*****g car, we're going now". So I told him I would ask then call him back. About 2 minutes later I got a text saying "Hurry the hell up", so I flat out told him that sorry but I wasn't dealing with his attitude. He kept begging through his friend but I eventually said I had other plans and met up with my friend at the mall. In a way I was a little relieved because I thought I had finally realized Mikey really wasn't all he was cracked  up to be and the distance let me see his true character. But I was also upset that I probably wouldn't see him at all during the break.

Saturday
I woke up early to go to brunch with two of my friends, with which I talked about Jason to. They all thought it was really sweet that I met someone who wasn't Mikey. But later that day Mikey called me asking if I wanted to record. So I told him I was free and brought my equipment to his house. He greeted me at my car. At first glance it didn't look like him and I assumed it was one of his friends I didn't know. But as he started walking towards me I realized it was him. It's not even that he looked different. It was really weird. But anyways he helped me carry my stuff in and he and his friend prepared to record. We didn't make it far because they kept getting distracted and yelling at each other. At one point Mikey flashed his pubes but that's as far as he went and claimed he "doesn't do that anymore" when his friend talked about him pulling his dick out all the time. They wrestled a lot and then sang loudly to songs on their iPods. Then Mikey's dad came home and we ran back to the dining room to clean up. Mikey was really quiet. His dad didn't say a word. Came in and got something, then left. It was really awkward. Mikey told me it was because I was there and his dad didn't like me, but I'm not sure if that's true because his dad always seemed really cool with me before. Unless Justin's parents told him. I'm not sure, but I left soon after.

That evening I went to this Halloween themed amusement park with another friend. There were sooo many attractive guys there. We pointed out to each other the attractive ones, but I stopped after a while when she started saying "eww, he's way too young for you Tristan". The best part was standing at the urinal in the bathroom with 2 really attractive boys beside me. I didn't look to see anything though. I just enjoyed their presence.

Also, one of the characters in a maze was flirting with me and I flirted back with him. He invited me into this dark room to makeout but I kept walking. He was joking of course but I found it entertaining.

There was also a guy at a cotton candy stand that both my friend and I found attractive. We decided to buy some solely because he was there. We paid the lady at the cashier and out of nowhere came this sexy voice:

"Great job on your video!"

I looked up and the gorgeous guy was looking at me and smiling. He apparently is taking the video production class I took last year and my teacher showed him my work. He said he felt like he was talking to a celebrity and couldn't believe he was seeing me in person. I couldn't believe I was seeing someone as sexy as him either, but I didn't tell him that. We talked for a while until he gave us our cotton candy and we walked away. Sadly, I didn't get his name (or number). But it totally made my night.

Sunday
I didn't do much on Sunday until the evening when I went to this church Halloween thing my friend had going on. Last year I tried organizing a group to protest it because they had a scene with lesbians being sent to hell. But this year they took that out and it was actually quite good. I didn't agree with a lot of the themes but the effects and sets were good. The pastor played Satan and he got right up in my face and pointed at me with his finger an inch or two from my face. I kind of felt singled out since he probably knows I'm gay but oh well. I wasn't intimidated.

Monday
I visited my high school and had lunch with my friends. It was like old times but I saw a lot less people than I thought I would recognise. I also went to my drama teacher during her 4th block, which was her planning. Things were going great and we were talking a lot but then the inevitable happened... She was on the phone with a radio station and this boy walks in. I'm not sure that I've mentioned this but at the end of my senior year I made a fake girl Facebook and traded pics with boys. There was one in particular that "fell in love" with me so after about a week I told him I wasn't real. Surprisingly, he was really cool with it even though he had sent me some very naughty pictures. We continued talking, and he asked who I was. I figured since I had graduated and wouldn't see him anymore it was fine, so I told him and we continued to talk.

But seeing someone in person is different. It had to be the most awkward 5 minutes of my life. I looked at him when he came in but then my eyes went immediately to the ground. I know he knew who I was. I also knew that he knew that I had seen his pictures. Luckily my friend came in and I had someone to talk to. The boy eventually left and we made eye contact right before, but still nothing was said. He messaged me tonight (Tuesday) asking if it was me. I haven't heard back from him.

Mikey texted me when school let out asking if I could take him home, so I did. It was interesting, because the guy he normally rides home with was there and ready to take him, but he wanted me to. I felt special and enjoyed the ride very much. He had lost his bitchy attitude now that he was alone with me and we had a few good conversations. I know he still likes me, and in a way I do too. We said goodbye until Thanksgiving and I watched him as he disappeared into his house. I'm glad I had that moment with him, it made me realize I wasn't ready to give up on him just yet.

Tuesday
Today was basically just a ride back to school. I took a nap, ate alone, then went to the support group meeting. It was actually nice because there were only like 4 other kids there and the leader so I felt like I could be more open. I mentioned Jason as my friend and the leader drilled me about it until I told her that he was a "special friend-in-progress". She said that's the best time, everything is really exciting. I agreed. He texted me at about 8:30 and we made plans to meet at 9:15. We walked and went to the pier until about 12. And here I am.

So as you see, my fall break was pretty interesting. I'm glad I got to see most of my friends, including Mikey. I missed Jason like crazy so it's good to be back. We will see what happens next...

-Tristan

Monday, October 10, 2011

Mood Booster


So you guys requested an update. I was trying to hold off until something more interesting happened and I could sum everything up but it's taking longer than I expected. And in a way, I'm happy bout that.

This past week with Jason has been a huge mood booster for me. While I guess we haven't done anything "relationshipworthy", we have spent lots of time together. We now have our favorite spot to walk to at night. This pier with no lights and only a few boats. We go there and sit (or lay) and watch the water. Lately when we do lay down, we are very near each other. But he always faces away from me. But at times I like this because I can move closer towards him. Last night we laid on two benches connected to each other with our heads only inches from touching.

Not only physical closeness, but we have shared in emotional closeness as well. He is now completely open with me about pretty much everything, and me the same with him. He knows about my attraction to younger guys. We discuss very sexual things like blowjobs and porn. We look up gay clubs in our city and even walked to one the other day but didn't go in. We share our celebrity crushes and exchange a look with each other when we pass a hot shirtless guy jogging by us. Last night we talked about growing up and things that made us realize we were gay. This was so exciting for me because this is something I've never been able to discuss with someone before. I know with girls I can talk about attractive guys, but they didn't grow up with being "different", so there are some things they will not be able to relate to. But with Jason I can.

I've learned that he likes muscular guys so I think I'm going to begin working out, mainly to impress him but also for myself.

As good as things are going, I'm still anxious about things, as usual. I want him to feel the same way about me. I don't want our friendship to slowly fade away, I want it to get stronger. I just hope he doesn't feel like now that he's in college he should explore the different options. I feel like we were made for each other, in a sense. Sure there are other gay guys all over the place, but we share so many of the same ideas and lifestyles. I don't think there are many guys so similar. It seems almost like we skipped all the bad guys that most people go through before finding the right one. I just hope he feels the same way.

Those of you asking if I will still like him after he starts looking more his age: Of course I will. I've learned that love is so much more than physical appearance. With Mikey, that's what made me begin to love him (yes, there were other things as well), but with Jason, I began by liking his personality then noticed that he wasn't bad looking either. We almost got kicked out of the adult section of a video store because they thought he was underage. There was nothing there interesting anyways, for gay guys that is.

I'm still trying to determine what kind of move I will make with him and when I'll do it. He's told me before that he hasn't been very "touchy feely" in the past but wants to get over that. I'm in the same situation. I want really badly to hold his hand while walking. I feel like that is the best first move for us. It's simple and not too obvious. Then maybe a quick hug goodbye each night or something. But how do I ask if he wants to do this? I don't want to just go for it and he not be ready for it.

Relationships are so complicated, but maybe that's the fun of it.

-Tristan

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fate?


This is a continuation of my last entry, so if you have not read it yet please scroll down and check it out.

I began thinking about this Saturday night, but didn't officially make plans until Sunday morning. It's something I've never done before directly, but I felt like the timing was right...

I was going to tell Jason that I liked him.

Before you tell me that this isn't my first time, remember that I did not tell Mikey this. Instead, he asked, but not in a way to show that he was interested. I knew he was straight before that.

But this time, we were both gay. And Jason was not the type to make the first move. It took long enough to get the fact that he was gay out of him. So I decided that I would text him at 3pm with a preplanned message.

I asked a few friends about it before I did. Two of them encouraged me to go for it, but one told me that doing it by text was "lame". I explained to her that with his personality, if I were to tell him in person he would feel put on the spot, something he doesn't like. At least by text, he can think it over before responding.

So 3pm came. I waited a few more minutes just so it wouldn't seem planned.

(3:23) Me: Hey can I tell u something?
(3:25) Jason: Yeah sure.
(3:27) Me: Ok, sorry if this is weird. but I had a really good time this weekend and... well I've never told anyone this before. But I really like you. But if u don't feel the same way it's totally cool and I'm more than happy to just be friends. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest haha.
....
20 minutes pass, and there is no response. My heart was racing. Was he thinking of a nice way to reject me? Was he completely disgusted that he never wanted to talk to me again? What was going on??

(3:47) Me: Sorry again, I shouldn't have said anything.

...
..
.

(4:04) Jason: No, I'm glad you said something. I like you too and I'm proud of you for saying your feelings. You're a really nice guy and I'd love to get to know you better....It took me a while to text back because I was with a few friends and I wanted some alone time to compose this text.

:)

This was probably the best text I've ever gotten in my life. We ate dinner together later that night and walked around the city. Nothing was any different than usual other than a few mentions of his ex.

Monday, we did dinner and a walk again. But this time instead of walking we went to the pier and sat together for almost 2 hours just talking. This time our conversation got a little more personal, talking about when we realized we were gay, school showers, boners, and other non-related subjects. It felt really good to see that he was being totally open with me.

We plan to get dinner together tonight and walk as usual after my lab. I'm not expecting too much, but I think things might start getting even more interesting pretty soon. I'm just ready for it to be official.

I hope you guys are happy for me. I think it will do me good to have him in my life.

-Tristan

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Truth be Told


I know it's been a few days since this weekend was over, but I've been waiting for the aftershocks to wear off. While they haven't yet, I will go ahead and update you.

In continuation from where I left off with my last quick update, we met about an hour afterwards in the lobby with backpacks full of everything we needed for the trip. We passed by my friend Howey as we were leaving (who knew that I liked Jason) and I told him what we were doing. His response was "Oooohh! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!". Jason and I looked at each other and laughed, then started walking towards the bus terminal.

When we got on the bus, we were the only ones on it aside from an elderly couple. The ride there was pretty quiet. We each played our individual games on our phones and listened to my iPod, each sharing an earpiece. I've mentioned before that we have a very similar taste of music. Usually when I'm listening to my iPod with people I have to skip some songs because they embarrass me, but I never had to do that with him. He even liked my Libera songs.

When we got to the beach, we were dropped off at this major shopping area. It was late and most things were closed, but we managed to go in a few shops and this amusement park-type building. In it we did a lot of activities that were aimed at little kids, but we had a great time. Afterwards we went to this sort-of expensive restaurant. I noticed that my money was going fast, and I hadn't even found a hotel yet.

After we ate, we began walking back towards the downtown area where all the hotels were. Surprisingly, this was a much longer walk than we expected. At one point we walked through this really dark neighborhood, in which we began hearing voices coming from the woods. Both of us were a little freaked out. Then, as we walked by a bush, something began moving inside it. I grabbed onto Jason's shoulder and he jumped towards me. Later we discovered the thing in the bush was probably a squirrel and the voices were from a concert in the distance. But whatever the case, we were happy to finally get downtown after about an hour of walking.

It took a few tries, but we finally found a hotel with a really good rate. I was hoping we would get "stuck" in a room with only one bed, but this one had two queens. The lady at the front desk was extremely nice, and didn't charge us the usual security deposit because we didn't "seem like the type of boys to trash the room". She also said she would put us in a room with no one around. I didn't think of it until Jason said something about it, but we assume she meant if we were going to "do anything", we could do it in private.

When we got to the room, we put our stuff down and then went to walk out on the beach. It was almost 1am, but we weren't very tired. Plus, the bus driver scheduled us a bus back at 7pm on Saturday, as opposed to 1pm as we had planned. So we had plenty of time to sleep in a little. It was a situation that could have been romantic, but neither of us did anything to suggest we wanted it to be that way. We went back to the room and fell asleep pretty quickly.

We woke up at 7:30 (him) and 8:00 (me) to take showers. Afterwards we put on our swimsuits and headed out to the ocean. It was really cold and windy, but we decided to give the water a try anyways. Surprisingly, it was warmer than outside of the water. I left my shirt on, but Jason took his off. In a way I wanted to jump on his back or something, just playing around, but it was too cold for that so we just floated there shivering until we had both had enough and got out. We went back to the room, changed, packed up our stuff, and checked out of the hotel.

To sum up the not-so-important part of the day, we walked around downtown, had lunch, played in the arcade and competed to see who could win the most tickets (he did), then took a cab back to the shopping center at about 2pm. At one point, his mom called and he pretended to be sitting in the dorm room. He felt really bad about lying to her, but felt like he wasn't doing anything wrong at the same time.

Once at the shopping center we went in as many shops as possible. We tried on funny clothes and hats and just had an all together good time. But at about 5pm, we had been in every shop there was yet we still had 2 hours before the cab came. Neither of us were hungry enough to go pay a lot of money for a meal, so we settled for smoothies instead.

We sat on a bench together, and to pass time together I "happened" to have a Truth or Dare app on my phone. So we played. A lot of questions were just stupid, but there were a few dirty ones. My ultimate goal was to get something out of him to convince me he was gay. Then it came...

"Have you ever fantasized about an authority figure? Explain."

He began to say skip it, but then started laughing.

Me: Well, you have to tell me now.
Jason: It was a teacher.
Me: Go on....
Jason: No... that's all you need to know (still laughing)
Me: It said explain, now do it!
Jason: Nahh, next question.
Me: Fine. (begins to take my turn)
Jason: The worst part was, he was married.

Wait....what did he just say?? I was almost certain he said "he", but could have been mistaken. I didn't ask, but I gave him a look acknowledging what he said.

On the bus ride back, we continued the game. After a few questions I got more confirmation about him with a question about his first kiss. He was in a month long relationship with a guy, but they broke up because they weren't right for each other (the guy was a "bad boy"). He told me I was the first friend he had ever told that he was gay.

My heart was racing. I was so happy to find out he was gay, it made the whole trip seem worth it even though nothing really happened between us other than growing closer in our friendship. I had not even begun this friendship assuming he was gay, I just thought we were a lot alike and he was attractive. But now, he was so much more.

Our conversation continued, and we talked a lot about how we felt about guys. It was really good to see him open up. I just wish it had happened sooner.

When we got back to college, we walked around until we found one restaurant open and had dinner, as a way to "end a great weekend". We went back to the dorm and said our goodbyes. We planned to get dinner together Sunday as well. I slept really well that night.

Now, this was only the first part of the weekend. Wait until you hear what happened Sunday, it may be what you have been waiting for. But I will save that for the next entry. I think you've heard enough for now ;)

-Tristan