Saturday, September 17, 2011

Worth 1,000 Words

I tried... I honestly did. I haven't thought about Mikey much at all over the past 3 days. Sure he crossed my mind every now and then, but overall I managed to keep my mind from wandering back to him.

But seeing him tagged on Facebook in a picture from last night made my feelings come back, and they hit me hard. Maybe because it was the most attractive photo of him I've ever seen, or maybe it was just from any inkling that he's still out there. I instantly picked up my phone and called him.

He answered, but was very untalkative, with only "yeah" and "no" answers to everything I said. After about a minute he said "hold on, I have another call". Odd, every other time he's gotten another call I could hear the beeping. But I went along with it.

"Okay, please call me back."

I've been through this before, and while I wasn't expecting to ever get a call back, I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe he would just this once consider my feelings.

But nope.

It's been an hour now. No call. I don't know what to do. This time last week I called and he was at the movies and told me he would call me back afterwards. It never happened.

What the fuck is happening? When I first went away to college, he was calling me every night, and we talked for a long time each call. Now it seemslike he is trying his best to avoid me. Is it because of his friends? Or is what Dylan saying really true and has Mikey really changed? Of course, Dylan sees it as a good thing, but I see it as terrible. I'ts been a year and one month now since I first met Mikey, and I can honestly say I fell in love with him over the summer. And now, does he expect me to just give all that up?

It's not like I don't want to. I mean, life would be so much easier not having to worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and if he's thinking about me. Being in love with someone is so much harder when they don't love you back. And if the saying is accurate, True love is never lost. I have tried many techniques to stop thinking about him, but it's just too hard. Why did we have to get so close over the summer and all of a sudden just let it go? Did he really not have any feelings for me at all and just acted like he did?

So I've decided, I will call him back either later tonight or tomorrow, and ask him where we stand. I'm sick of just pretending and assuming that he likes me. I'm going to flat out say to him "Look, I get the feeling you are trying to avoid talking to me. Do you not want to be friends any more or anything?"

Sure, I know the answer will hurt if it's negative. But at least it keeps me from hoping that he does want to remain friends but not knowing. I'm not saying that this will make me let him go, but it might make that process come quicker.

I just don't know what would make him not want to be anymore. It can't be my sexuality, because I told him that back in April. Could it be Dylan, Justin, and Nemo convinving him to avoid me in fear that I will turn him gay? If I could turn him gay I would have done that a long time ago.

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just expressing what is on my mind right now in hopes that writing it all out will clear the thoughts from my head.

I can't remain ignorant, I need to know the truth. Or will the truth make me even more ignorant by not accepting the truth?

Who knows....



  1. It sounds like it is 'out of sight, out of mind'. With you not always around, his attention and interest are shifting to those who are around him now. He probably never had for you the feelings you had/have for him. You need to let him go and you need to find a more suitable interest around where you are now. Consider it a transient summer infatuation and move on.

    I don't know how successful your planned call to him will be. He will probably be hesitant to tell you how he really feels. He might tell you what you want to hear just to keep from hurting your feelings. If he does, this will just prolong your grief. You just need to accept what you are observing now: his feelings for you are not the same as yours for him.

  2. See or preferably read "Death in Venice."

    Things were starting to get interesting at college so please keep us informed!