Ahh, Peter Pan. The perfect Boy-lover role model. But to be honest I never grew up with that story. Instead I grew up with Cartoons like Blue's Clues and Little Bear. I even managed to avoid all the Michael Jackson drama as I was growing up. It wasn't until after he died (soon after I turned 16) that I began researching about him because I realized my interests and views of the world seemed to be very similar to his. That's when I read into the story of Peter Pan and it became such a strong fantasy of mine that I wanted very badly to become true. A never-ending childhood. Could there be a more perfect heaven?
Anyways, that's just a subplot to get into the main subject of this entry. As most of you know, I have been having a difficult time with this transition into college. I find myself spending a lot of time alone and wishing I had more friends. But that's not my biggest issue. With this longing for friend has come longing for sexual relationships. Something that I have never been so set on pursuing in my life. I blame craigslist. It makes it so easy to find someone your age who is wanting what you are.
Anyways, I found myself browsing the site several times over the past few weeks, even responding to a few posters. I always said to them that I only wanted to j/o together and maybe some oral. I even planned to meet up with this 45 year old guy but changed my mind at the last minute because I realized I didn't want to lose my "virginity" (even if its just oral) to some random guy I don't know, let alone an older guy.
The fantasies in my head from reading these ads and looking at the pictures from guys my age are very exciting. Of course, I would rather the guys be younger but there aren't any sites for that, legal ones anyways. But when I think of someone sucking me off, it seems almost too good. But is it really that much better than masturbating, especially when it's with someone you don't know? Not to mention the worry that will come after about what possible diseases I could have caught.
The only reason I mention this is I want to know what has gotten into me all of a sudden? Why am I considering such things that once seemed repulsive to me? No, I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy in college, but I really want it to be with someone I know, trust, and LOVE. Neither of the three can be found on craigslist. Then why do I find myself there every evening?
What do you suggest I do to avoid these sexual urges? Are the fantasies in my head much greater than these "casual encounters" would be?
Tristan (Still a Virgin) Skyler