Friday, September 30, 2011

Dreams Come True

From Tuesday:
 I thought about also looking into getting a hotel, but then figured it was too early for that.

Well, I guess not. This is just a short update to let you know that Jason and I are leaving in an hour to go to the beach. We already have reservations at a hotel (2 beds, unfortunately) and will spend the first half of tomorrow there as well. Then we will be back here around this time tomorrow.

You can't imagine how excited I am.

Until then,

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I apologize for the entry I posted last night (that has since been deleted). It was intended for my other blog and I didn't realize I posted it here until this morning.

To make up for it, I decided to do an entry on a topic I had considered avoiding completely, but think it could be beneficial to get your opinion on.

For the past week I have been volunteering at an elementary school, acting as a mentor to the kids. However, I find that I only really get to work with the kindergartners, who are great but not the age group I wanted to work with. So I contacted the person over the organization I'm with, and she is looking to put me into a high school. "Great!" I thought.

Until I did some research online. The school is historically black, with a ratio of 99% black and 1% other. Here is where my topic fits in. I am less inclined to volunteer at the school because of the fact that it is pretty much all African American.

I'm sure your first thought was "You racist bastard". But the thing is, I'm not racist at all. I have friends of all different backgrounds. But in this situation, things are different for two reasons.

1) Being in an almost black school with kids near my age might be of some trouble for me. I haven't visited the school but I'm sure it's not in a much better neighborhood than the elementary school I was at. I feel as if I will stand out even more than I already do. Also, the kids might interpret me to be stuck up, being the white kid who is there to help the black kids. That's not the impression I want to give at all.

2) I'm volunteering for more than one reason. The main reason is I really want to be an influential part in these kids lives, I feel like working with kindergartners wasn't the best way to go about this because very few of these kids will remember me in 10 years. With high schoolers, it is different. I could make an impact that they will remember for their whole lives. But in a way, I'm also doing this for selfish reasons. I miss being around high schoolers. That (along with middle school) is what I consider the most attractive age group. That being said, I'm not really physically attracted to black guys. Again, that seems like a super racist statement, but to me it's as rare for me as liking a girl (yes, there have been one or two black guys I have found to be attractive).

So my dilemma is, I don't know what to do about volunteering at this school. At first it sounded great, and when on the phone with the organization leader I was thrilled at the opportunity. Someone is supposed to be in touch with me today or tomorrow to talk more about it. But now... I'm not so thrilled about it.

What do you think? Am I being pre-judgemental? Should I give it a chance? Or should I back out while there is still hope (and look into volunteering at one of the many private schools in the area that are mostly white)?


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wet Expectations

Sorry for taking so long yo update since the last entry. I guess I needed time to consider things and see if I really wanted to continue with the blog. Lucky for you I did.

Things are actually going really well, and I owe that all to Jason. I feel like he is the friend I have been looking for since I got here. I feel like I can text him any time to hang out and he's totally okay with it. We have continued our nightly walks around the city and have had some really interesting conversations about girls, sex, and prostitution. Even with all this, I haven't decided if he's gay yet. Although I noticed something that he does that I do as well. he says things like "attractive people" and "date people" instead of saying "attractive girls" and "date girls". Even in situations when most guys would say girls or chicks. Does this mean he is hiding something? Is he bi? Or does he not know yet? Whatever the case, I'm interested.

Something interesting that happened last night was he told me about reading questions on a website where people were asking "weird" things like "What kind of underwear do you prefer?" and "Is it normal to pleasure yourself daily?", as well as the common question "How big are you down there?". Anyways, this was interesting because he had obviously planned to tell me this, it wasn't just a random conversation. It just doesn't seem like something you normally bring up in conversation. I asked if he answered the questions but he said no. I should have said "I'll answer them if you do", but didn't think of that until after. I kind of feel like that's what he was going for when he brought it up, but I can't be sure.

Oh, and about the picture. Well, there is this big fountain in my city and we always see little kids playing in it. But I was feeling adventurous at dinner with Justin, so I said "we should go play in the fountain." At first he was a little hesitant, with a blank stare and "Seriously?". I pursued, and he quickly gave in. We went back to the dorm and changed into our swimsuits (not together, unfortunately). We looked a little funny waiting in the lobby with our swimsuits and towels at 9pm. But we went anyways. On the way there he said "This is the craziest thing I've ever done". I responded by saying "Yeah, well I have a feeling we will do even crazier things as time goes on. We are in college after all".

When we got to the fountain we set our stuff down and took our shirts off and walked towards the fountain. It is near a bunch of really formal restaurants and hotels so we made sure to go in when no one was looking. The water was colder than I expected but not too bad. He started out by blocking one of the shoots of water with his hand, getting me soaked. I grabbed his arms and pushed him towards the center where he was laying back against the heightened part in the middle of the fountain, soaking him (The perfect movie moment would be to push him back until I was on top of him, then kiss him. But not yet...) He laughed then pushed me off of him. We then continued to walk around the fountain until Jason decided to climb up on top of the middle section. It was a big step up. It took him a few tries until he made it. I tried to join him but couldn't pull myself up. So he reached out his hand to pull me up. I grabbed hold, then tried jumping for it. My foot missed and I fell and scraped my side on the way down. It hurt like hell, but the fact that I got to hold his hand made it worth it.

After our "Wet Expectations", we sat on a bench to dry off. We talked about favorite colors. He told me he hated purple (which Mikey told me was his favorite color on me). I know when not to wear my purple shirts then. I'll save those for home. He also mentioned that he wanted to dye his hair bright green. I told him that he should and then "now was the time to experiment". I give so many hints that I'm not sure he picks up on. Or maybe he does, he seems smarter in that department than Mikey.

Anyways, I'm thinking about asking him if he wants to take the bus to a big city nearby Saturday to go shopping. I'm going to wait until Thursday or so to ask him. Just to give him a little break from me. I thought about also looking into getting a hotel, but then figured it was too early for that. But if I ever figure out that he is gay then I'm going all the way haha.

This is the start of a beautiful friendship, that may blossom into something much more pleasurable.


Friday, September 23, 2011

Response: Three-Way

I feel like I needed to dedicate an entry entirely to responding to a specific comment I received on my latest entry. In case you missed it, here is the comment:

I read your blog all the time, I enjoy reading it. At the same time, I think this all needs to stop. There is some sort of huge problem going on here, whether you know it or not. You go from perusing Craigslist for personals to talking about dropping out of college if Mikey wanted you, to this week about Jason and being all with him. First off, you can't love someone after only a week. Second, and I think more importantly, this all seems like a huge infatuation...just with guys in general. You haven't dated a guy or done anything sexual with one (that I know of) so all of these feelings are being triggered by pure infatuation with the idea of being with a guy, doing sexual things with a guy, etc.  
And now that you are allowing the readers here to donate to you...I think it gone way too far. I think you REALLY need to take a step back and think about what you want, what you can get, and especially, what you are doing right now. 
Would any of these people like you still if they knew you had a blog talking about them? Especially talking about how you are accepting money to try and make something happen? This is NOT meant to be mean in any way, I just wanted to put in my advice. We used to talk a long time ago, so (if you think hard) you may be able to figure out who this is. Once again, not trying to be mean, just trying to guide you towards a better path. 

I'm going to respond to it in accordance to the order arguments are presented in the comment.

In response to the Craigslist comment, That was once, probably during my hardest time in college, where I had very few friends and just wanted to find somehow to fit in. I agree it was very stupid on my part, but the way you address it makes it sound like it is now a common thing. Even at the time, I responded to a few postings but I never went far enough into it as to actually intend to meet up. I cried about it later because I realized how stupid it was to even consider that.

The dropping out of college thing was a bit of an exaggeration. I was just comparing how I feel about him to how I feel about Jason. But I have considered going to school someone closer to home, but not only due to Mikey, but being closer to friends in general.

About loving someone after a week, I never once said I loved Jason. I said I liked him a lot, but didn't love him. The only person I've ever admitted to "loving" is Mikey, and that's because I honestly have those feelings for him. His feelings may not be as strong as mine, but he has some for me as well, which is apparent by his actions towards me when we are together. But with Jason, I'm just thinking about the future. I don't attend on pursuing anything relationship-wise with him for a while. Only when it seems appropriate.

I have addressed the infatuation issue in an entry before, but never have I considered it an infatuation with guys in general. If this was the case, I would be flailing over every guy I saw. Sure, there are many guys I find attractive, but I'm not infatuated with them. The only guys I admit to ever being infatuated with are Blake (because he was such an opposite person to me and there was no way anything would ever happen between us), and somewhat Mikey (but he fuels the infatuation, so it's not entirely my fault). But still, what I have with Jason is not an infatuation. I just really enjoy spending time with him, is there anything wrong with that? And the idea about it being sexual is completely wrong. I have never once considered anything sexual with Jason. You sound like Mikey, accusing all gay guys to only be concerned with sex and not able to feel love for someone. If you feel it is al about sex then you haven't been reading my blog very carefully.

Now for the donations: It is not required. I'm just trying to raise funds for the trip. What is different from doing this to selling baked goods on the street raising money? I am providing a product (the writing within this blog) and trying to raise money to "improve" the product. Plus, you make it sound like I'm desperately requesting donations. That's not the case at all. I just asked a general question if anyone would like to help out please do. Do you think that I'm upset that I haven't received any donations? Not at all. If anyone else is offended by me requesting donations let me know and I will get rid of it all together.

Of course the people wouldn't still like me if they knew I was writing about them. That is why I do it anonymously and don't include every single detail. I never planned on them finding out about it, and if there were any chance that they might find it I would end the blog totally. My purpose isn't to expose them but to provide a story that others can relate to or just read for their enjoyment.

I realize that we know each other, and you have been aware of my blog since it was under a different name and you know who I am personally. To be perfectly honest, this scares me. Only because I know that you could very easily expose who I am to everyone. But if you only knew how many people have emailed me telling me how much my blog has meant to them and how it has been a comfort in their life knowing that they aren't alone, then you would never consider that option. I write to help those who are going through similar things as me, with my feelings and attractions. I know at one point we seemed to share these attractions, but having not talked to you in a year or so I'm not sure if yours have changed. But in any case, it is hard enough struggling with it on my own, but with the people I like involved it makes things much more complicated. Mikey knows I like him, and he also knows I'm attracted to younger guys. But not in detail. This blog isn't meant for him or Jason or anyone else I have mentioned. I would hope that you would keep what I say in this blog between us, not only for myself but for those who avidly read it as well.

I feel like I have addressed all issues presented in your comment. If anyone else feels the same way that this commenter does then please let me know. Especially about the donations. Like I said, maybe it was a bad idea. Also, if you feel this blog "exposes" those mentioned too much then let me know that too. I will see what I can do to change things.

I'm sorry,

Thursday, September 22, 2011


If you have read the character page lately, you may have noticed a name that I have not mentioned yet among the list. That name is Jason. There isn't a particular reason I haven't spoken of him until now other than I feel I will use a lot of space talking about him.

I met Jason at a Scavenger Hunt two weeks ago that my residence hall put on that only 3 of us showed up to, the other being my friend visiting from my hometown. He was really quiet, which I understand since my friend and I were so close, he may have felt like the outsider. But we definitely included him in everything. Other than Lyle, he's the most attractive guy I have seen at college so far. He looks about 16 and has green eyes that actually look very similar to mine. Which is weird because I usually don't compare others features to mine. But I think they are very attractive (I'm not bragging about my own eyes, but I do consider them my best feature). But anyways, after the scavenger hunt I told him I would add him on Facebook and tag him in the pictures.

I got back to my room afterwards and immediately looked for him on Facebook. Nothing... the only people that shared his name lived on the other side of the country. I emailed him about it (searching through the school contacts) and he responded in a couple days by sending my a friend request. Apparently he has it entirely private and only had 80 something friends and no new statuses since like April. I messaged him thanking him for adding me and said we should hang out some time. No response. I forgot about it, but couldn't get him off my mind. After a few days I emailed him again with my phone number telling him to text me, since that was the probably the best way to stay in touch. It wasn't until Sunday that he actually texted me saying he's sorry he hasn't checked Facebook in a while.

I was feeling daring, so I asked if he wanted to have dinner with me and a friend. He said yes. We met in the lobby then went in my friend's car to a Chinese restaurant. He was still quiet, but more talkative than he was at the scavenger hunt. He seemed to have fun and I was sad when it was over.

I forgot to mention that several times before this I had seen him sitting alone in the cafeteria but was too nervous to approach him. So as I was telling him goodbye, I told him that if he ever needed someone to eat with to text me and I would gladly go. I should have stopped it there, but I rambled on.

"Even if I've already ate I'll come back to the cafeteria to sit with you."

A little much for only our second day of knowing each other, I know. But I knew how it felt to sit alone and it wasn't fun. This would benefit both he and I. He seemed like the type that had very few friends here like me so I wanted to make the best of the situation.

Instead of going into detail into each event that happened between Sunday and today, I will just tell you how things are as of now.

We have been taking nightly walks around the city for the past 3 or 4 days after dinner together. We have talked about virtually everything and know a lot about each other in this short time. I even invited him to the Gay-Straight-Alliance meeting tonight, which he gladly agreed to come. It was a little awkward because it seemed like they constantly referred to all of us as LGBT, even though they usually include straight in that. But Jason didn't seem to mind. What made it worse was after the meeting this random guy ran up to us saying "Ohhh my goddd, more gay guys at the GSA meeting! What are your names??" It was so awkward. Once he walked away I apologized to Jason saying usually there aren't this many weird people here and it's usually a more laid back meeting (today we argued about stereotypes and there was a lot of tension in the room). But he said he still enjoyed it.

Do I like him? Yes... a lot. Is he gay? Well... I don't know. And I don't want to mess up the friendship we do have by asking. We talked about relationships tonight while walking and he said he dated a girl in 6th grade for two weeks but that's it. But we didn't talk much more about it.

By the way, nightly walks around my city are like the #1 most romantic thing to do in my city. It's very beautiful. I always imagine our walks a date, and would love to reach over and hold his hand. I don't want to rush things, but then again we got pretty close in less than a week, who knows what could happen in the next one.

The only thing I worry about is if we do get into a relationship, I'm not sure if I could be 100% committed to him because I will still have Mikey on my mind. I guess that might fade with time, but if Mikey were to call me this instant and tell me he was wrong all along and he truly loved me, I would drop out of college, pack my bags, and go back to him this instant. But since that is almost never going to happen, I won't expect that. I don't plan on mentioning much of anything to Mikey though since he might become jealous.

I guess this is what you call a love triangle? I'm not sure but it sure makes things more interesting, especially to you. Even though you don't know much about Jason, do you think he would be a better fit for me? Sure, he's 18. But he looks no more than 16 and still qualifies as "boyish" for me, especially when he is clean shaven. Of course, Mikey is more physically attractive, but I think Justin has a more appealing personality. And that's more important than looks, isn't it?

It may also be worth mentioning that while my feelings upon first meeting Jason were pretty strong, I wasn't awestruck like I was when I first saw Mikey. Mikey grabbed my heart instantly, but Jason has gradually grown on me. I can't say I love him yet, but I think I really like him.


PS: If the last half of this entry seems rushed, it's because I had the whole thing typed up but when I tried to add a picture it froze and the draft only saved the first half. Figures...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Make It Happen

You may have noticed a new button on the right side of the page that says "Donate". No, I'm not trying to scam you into paying for my prostitutes, I actually have a legitimate reason for asking for your donations. Here is how it works...

So if you have been reading my blog for a while, you may have noticed that the summer before my Senior year I went on a school trip to various locations throughout Europe. Well the same teacher who took us on the trip sent out an email about the next one, the Summer of 2012.

Why should you care? Well, I'm not the only one interested in this trip. Mikey is as well. He was really excited about it, but when Dylan told him he no longer wanted to go he lost encouragement to go. So I stepped in. I haven't told him this yet, but I really want to go as well. I'm almost certain if he knows that I plan on going that he will want to as well.

Now, I'm not guaranteeing that anything will happen between us. But for 2 weeks away from home, away from friends, and constant time together, something is bound to happen. And since I hold nothing back in this blog, you would get exclusive details as to what might become of Mikey and I during this trip.

What am I asking? Well in general, nothing. My issue is that the trip is far above what I can afford and I do not have the luxury of relying on my grandfather to pay for it this year. The total comes out to be about $5,000 for each person. Now before you freak out, I DO NOT expect to raise all $5,000 from donations. But every little contribution helps. I am not asking new readers to donate. That would be completely unfair to them. But for those of you who have been reading and appreciate the effort I have put into this blog, I do ask that you at least consider donating a few dollars.

Now, you may also be wondering what happens if plans do not fall through and Mikey does not chose to go to Europe. I will not take the money you guys have donated to use to go alone. All of your donations will be sent to a charity to be determined (either something to support LGBTQ teens or to help children in some way). So even if I do not raise enough money to go to Europe, your money will be going to a great cause and I will find some way to prove to you that I actually donated it. As I said earlier, I'm not trying to rip you off. I'm just opening up the possibility for an "expanded adventure" between Mikey and I.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will keep an updated count of how much I have raised so far on the site.

Click the button in the sidebar or HERE to donate. All transactions are through a secure service (PayPal) and none of your financial information will be revealed to me. Only your name and amount donated.

Thank you, and I look forward to hopefully sharing this adventure with you.

-Tristan Skyler

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Worth 1,000 Words

I tried... I honestly did. I haven't thought about Mikey much at all over the past 3 days. Sure he crossed my mind every now and then, but overall I managed to keep my mind from wandering back to him.

But seeing him tagged on Facebook in a picture from last night made my feelings come back, and they hit me hard. Maybe because it was the most attractive photo of him I've ever seen, or maybe it was just from any inkling that he's still out there. I instantly picked up my phone and called him.

He answered, but was very untalkative, with only "yeah" and "no" answers to everything I said. After about a minute he said "hold on, I have another call". Odd, every other time he's gotten another call I could hear the beeping. But I went along with it.

"Okay, please call me back."

I've been through this before, and while I wasn't expecting to ever get a call back, I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe he would just this once consider my feelings.

But nope.

It's been an hour now. No call. I don't know what to do. This time last week I called and he was at the movies and told me he would call me back afterwards. It never happened.

What the fuck is happening? When I first went away to college, he was calling me every night, and we talked for a long time each call. Now it seemslike he is trying his best to avoid me. Is it because of his friends? Or is what Dylan saying really true and has Mikey really changed? Of course, Dylan sees it as a good thing, but I see it as terrible. I'ts been a year and one month now since I first met Mikey, and I can honestly say I fell in love with him over the summer. And now, does he expect me to just give all that up?

It's not like I don't want to. I mean, life would be so much easier not having to worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and if he's thinking about me. Being in love with someone is so much harder when they don't love you back. And if the saying is accurate, True love is never lost. I have tried many techniques to stop thinking about him, but it's just too hard. Why did we have to get so close over the summer and all of a sudden just let it go? Did he really not have any feelings for me at all and just acted like he did?

So I've decided, I will call him back either later tonight or tomorrow, and ask him where we stand. I'm sick of just pretending and assuming that he likes me. I'm going to flat out say to him "Look, I get the feeling you are trying to avoid talking to me. Do you not want to be friends any more or anything?"

Sure, I know the answer will hurt if it's negative. But at least it keeps me from hoping that he does want to remain friends but not knowing. I'm not saying that this will make me let him go, but it might make that process come quicker.

I just don't know what would make him not want to be anymore. It can't be my sexuality, because I told him that back in April. Could it be Dylan, Justin, and Nemo convinving him to avoid me in fear that I will turn him gay? If I could turn him gay I would have done that a long time ago.

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just expressing what is on my mind right now in hopes that writing it all out will clear the thoughts from my head.

I can't remain ignorant, I need to know the truth. Or will the truth make me even more ignorant by not accepting the truth?

Who knows....


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Freak Show Place Like Home

Okay, don't blame me for the bad title. There wasn't much of a way to combine "Freak Show" and "There's No Place Like Home", but you get the picture.

At the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on Thursday, another meeting that took place on Tuesday nights was mentioned. They didn't talk much about it, but I asked on Facebook and found out that it was kind of a support group for LGBTQ teens (middle school - college). It was sounding more interesting by the minute. Not only would there be other gay guys that I could become friends with, but young ones as well! I told them I would "try" to come, meaning I would wait impatiently for it.

So Tuesday came, and after a long day of classes, I had dinner with a friend I had met in my philosophy class. While waiting to meet her in front of the drink machine in the cafeteria, I saw out of the corner of my eye a familiar face... it was Lyle. He was at the salad bar. My friend met me there and we proceeded to find a seat. After we did, I told her I would be right back. I saw Lyle take a seat at the bar alone...perfect. Now was my chance to be a good friend and invite him to sit with us. I started walking towards him but without noticing me he stood up, grabbed his plate, and began to move to a different table. I backed off a bit, and followed him across the cafeteria. He started to sit at another bar, but turned again and went to a table on the far side, still alone. I stopped by another drink machine and poured another glass of limonade just to make it seem like I had a purpose to be there and "just happened" to see him. I approached him from the side, instead of from behind which might startle him. However he didn't look up at me until I began speaking.

"Hey man, do you want to come sit with us?"
"Oh hey. What?"
"My friend and I are sitting over here, you can join us if you want"
"Oh, no thanks I am in a hurry anyways, I have something after this"
"Oh... okay. Well we are over here if you change your mind. See you around!"
"Thanks man, I appreciate it. Bye!"

Okay, even though we didn't get to sit together I felt very proud of myself for approaching him. And I'm pretty sure he was lying about being in a hurry because he was embarrassed about eating alone (trust me, I've been in the same situation and said the same thing).

Anyways, after dinner I headed to the meeting. It was being held at a church, but I wasn't sure where in the church so I hung around behind the bank next door (I know, what a loser) until I saw people walking in. Well, about 5 minutes passed and the only people I had seen enter were an old lady with a purse the size of a great dane, and a midget old man. I followed the midget (is little person more politically correct?) into the church, where I was greeted by a black lady in gospel singer regalia. I was definitely in the wrong place...

"Excuse me, do you know where the umm....meeting for....uh....."
Hey, you try talking to a church member about a meeting for gays. It isn't easy.

She realized what I was asking about and happily pointed out the direction to the building it was in. I thanked her. That could have gone a lot worse.

When I entered the room there were 3 guys there and a lady sitting in a circle. At first they all looked at me strangely, so I asked if this was where the meeting was. I again didn't specify which meeting it was, just in case it was instead a meeting of the "Anti-Gay Alliance". Hey, I gotta play it safe. I come from a town where any public speak about being gay results in a riot. Okay maybe not that bad, but still.

They told me yes and that I was in the right place. As a few minutes passed more people began to enter the room. Sadly, I think I was the only new member there so they all kind of seemed shy around me. Plus I was sweating like a pig even though I later discovered that the room was only like 60 degrees. But what fascinated me the most was the variety of people there. There was one flamboyantly gay guy, 3 or so lesbians with hairy legs and boyish haircuts, a girl wearing all black who sat outside of the circle, 3 guys that were normal looking (one of which was very cute, an 11th grader in high school), and this one girl who had a beard. I'm not joking. Not only that but she had thick hair on her legs and arms. At first I assumed it was a guy dressed as a girl, but when she talked I realized it was definitely a girl. There were more people there, but these are the ones that stuck out o me the most.

I won't discuss too much about what went on in the meeting, since the point of it is kind of like to be a sharing zone where nothing leaves the room. But our topic of the week was anxiety and we did a lot of exercises to control our thoughts. I went into this meeting for the soul purpose of meeting cute guys, but I really think I will get a lot from it. I didn't share too much, but I did mention that I have been worrying a lot about my last impressions with people back hom before I left for college and what they will think of me when I come back. I think I will open up more and more as time goes on. I'm really happy I found out about this because it could be a great group of friends that I can really connect with and help out. Especially the cute 11th grader. If anything interesting happens with him at the next meeting I will give him a name.

Well, I'm sitting in the library because I wanted to avoid my roommates and the smell of cocaine in my room, but I didn't realize until i got here that my battery was almost dead. As of now I have 17 minutes left. That should be enough time to find a picture for this entry and to post it.

I'll keep you updated. I hope you find this as interesting as I do.


Monday, September 12, 2011

He's Cute...WAIT!

(This was originally a black and white photo. Yes, be jealous of my editing skills.)

So this entry is somewhat of a mix between a daily update and a specialized topic. But whichever the case, it involves some interaction from you guys. I would prefer if you commented on the entry, but if for whatever reason you don't feel comfortable, you can always email me at

I went to my first Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) meeting on Thursday. There was no way I was going alone, so I met up with my friend Howie (who is gay) and went with him. I was a little nervous, not knowing what to expect since we didn't have one in high school, but I figured it would be a good place to meet cool friends... and cute guys.

When we first got there we were led upstairs by a couple girls who were sitting outside the house the meeting was taking place at. Once in the room, there was a semicircle of chairs, which were almost all taken. We were welcomed by what appeared to be one of the most attractive guys I have seen in college (aside from Lyle). He had the appearance of a 13-year-old boy. Smooth skin, short hair, deep voice, boobs. Wait...what?? Yep, it turns out the leader of the GSA is actually a girl. A 20-year-old lesbian to be exact. But wow. If she got a boob job (to remove them) she could pass as a younger boy any day.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the picture for this entry is of a Dutch model named Kim Noorda. It's a chick.

So my dilemma is, is it wrong for me to find her attractive? Does it make me bi? Straight? To be honest I wouldn't mind dating her (other than the fact that she's into other girls). She obviously lowers her voice on purpose, but she sounds like a boy just beginning puberty, where it's still high but has a deeper pitch. Like Mikey's when I first met him, and still somewhat today.

Let me know what you think about this. Am I attracted to boyish looks instead of men? If so, does that make me neither gay or straight?

- Tristan (or Trista for all you know)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Fantasy vs. Reality

Ahh, Peter Pan. The perfect Boy-lover role model. But to be honest I never grew up with that story. Instead I grew up with Cartoons like Blue's Clues and Little Bear. I even managed to avoid all the Michael Jackson drama as I was growing up. It wasn't until after he died (soon after I turned 16) that I began researching about him because I realized my interests and views of the world seemed to be very similar to his. That's when I read into the story of Peter Pan and it became such a strong fantasy of mine that I wanted very badly to become true. A never-ending childhood. Could there be a more perfect heaven?

Anyways, that's just a subplot to get into the main subject of this entry. As most of you know, I have been having a difficult time with this transition into college. I find myself spending a lot of time alone and wishing I had more friends. But that's not my biggest issue. With this longing for friend has come longing for sexual relationships. Something that I have never been so set on pursuing in my life. I blame craigslist. It makes it so easy to find someone your age who is wanting what you are.

Anyways, I found myself browsing the site several times over the past few weeks, even responding to a few posters. I always said to them that I only wanted to j/o together and maybe some oral. I even planned to meet up with this 45 year old guy but changed my mind at the last minute because I realized I didn't want to lose my "virginity" (even if its just oral) to some random guy I don't know, let alone an older guy. 

The fantasies in my head from reading these ads and looking at the pictures from guys my age are very exciting. Of course, I would rather the guys be younger but there aren't any sites for that, legal ones anyways. But when I think of someone sucking me off, it seems almost too good. But is it really that much better than masturbating, especially when it's with someone you don't know? Not to mention the worry that will come after about what possible diseases I could have caught.

The only reason I mention this is I want to know what has gotten into me all of a sudden? Why am I considering such things that once seemed repulsive to me? No, I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy in college, but I really want it to be with someone I know, trust, and LOVE. Neither of the three can be found on craigslist. Then why do I find myself there every evening?

What do you suggest I do to avoid these sexual urges? Are the fantasies in my head much greater than these "casual encounters" would be?

Tristan (Still a Virgin) Skyler

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Freaking Weekend

“It’s been a long time since I came around, it’s been a long time but I’m back in town…”

That’s right, as I mentioned earlier I decided to take this weekend as an opportunity to head home. I didn’t have a definite reason, but I used helping Mikey and Dylan with a video as an excuse. But another reason was probably because I felt like I needed a break from college life. I needed to escape the “loneliness” I was experiencing, whether it was true loneliness or not.

Friday as soon as I got back in town, I went to Lilly’s going away party. Early last week she came to my school for a college tour that I attended with her. I felt a little funny since I was already a student but it was nice to be with her. Yes, I somehow still have feelings for her. I know, I can’t explain it either.

At her party I got to see one of my best friends as well as a few other friends from drama. They all seemed genuinely happy to see me and eager to hear about how college was going. But that wasn’t the best part. Lilly’s 12-year-old brother Greyson was there. Yes, I used a picture of Greyson Chance for this entry because he bares a strong resemblance to the singer, except I find him more attractive than Chance. I was in a play with him once but never really talked to him. I’ve also heard that he is a huge fan of me (from YouTube). When I first got there he sat quietly in his chair. I’m not sure how much he was talking before, but he seemed really shy around me. I sat around talking to the group for a while but then Greyson said the first words I had heard from him, “Tristan, tell them your roommate story”. I asked “Which one?” with a smirk. “The first night he was there, him coming home late at night… yeah I heard about that”. I’m guessing Lilly or her mom told him about my roommate pissing all over the floor. So I told the story.

On a couple other occasions throughout the night he brought up other things that had been happening in my life. It was weird because he seemed to know more than the others about how college has been treating me. But I didn’t mind at all. He also asked if I was going to keep making videos in college and I told him I would really try and maybe I would dedicate a video to him in the future. He seemed really excited by that. I think I may have to do it just to make him feel special. While the others teased him about not going through puberty (he just turned 12, I have no idea why this even came up), I told him to enjoy it while it lasts because puberty isn’t fun. He has a little hair on his legs and a tiny bit on his upper lip. But that’s it. He also likes coming across as “innocent” and “adorable”. I like it too.

Saturday I went to lunch with two other friends, but this was more as a pastime until Mikey called me. I was already a little upset with him because he decided to go to a volleyball game Friday night when he told me that he would be free. At around 1 I called him only to be told “I can’t do anything this weekend”. Knowing how his plans tend to change, I didn’t instantly get upset. I went home and took a nap.

At 3, Mikey called and woke me. He told me I could come get him and Dylan now. With no hesitation, I did. When I got there I called him and he told me to come in, but I noticed his mom’s car was in the driveway so I decided to ring the doorbell to not come across as “rude”. He opened the door then walked away saying “What the fuck did you not understand about coming in, I was in the middle of a game?”. Wow, what a wonderful greeting. They finished the game and then got in my car.

No need to really explain the details because things seemed to be like they usually are when Mikey is around Dylan, always trying to come across as more “macho”.  He even told me that he didn’t call earlier because he was watching a movie. But it’s funny, when he was writing the lyrics to the song on my laptop he sat extremely close to me on the couch and if Dylan had looked he would have noticed Mikey was obviously way past the “guy range” in our distance from each other. But he didn’t. Instead Dylan continued the usual asking about what I liked about guys and gave the usual answer that “You’re not gay”. He also asked me how often I think he should shave his crotch. I tried to answer that as “straightly” as possible. He also asked if I would suck a guy’s dick, and I said “yeah if I liked them enough”. “Yeah, you definitely are gay because a straight guy would never say that”. Duh. He asked if I would suck Mikey’s dick but I said no, only because I didn’t want Mikey to react badly. He also did the usual teasing of Mikey about being gay, and AS USUAL Mikey got mad at him but never denied it. I find that really interesting.

At around 6:00 Dylan told Mikey he wanted to go to a football game and a girl that Mikey liked would be there. So obviously Mikey was equally as excited to go, even though Dylan showed me a text from the girl saying she didn’t like him. They told me they would come back to my house when the game was over. For some reason I highly doubted this.

At about 11:30 I started noticing statuses on Facebook about us winning the game so I called him and asked where he was. He said the girls he was with wanted to go streaking at Wal-Mart. I tried my best to convince him not to do it and I think I talked some sense into him. They barely knew these girls and the girls were freshmen. What sluts. Anyways, he told me that he and Dylan would just come over early Sunday morning (at 8am) to work more.

So Sunday came, I woke up at 7:20 and took a quick shower. I called Mikey at 8, no answer. I called Dylan but his phone was off. I called Mikey again and he answered, obviously having just woke up. I asked him if they were ready for me to come. Mikey said Dylan wouldn’t wake up and that he was too tired and was going back to sleep. I sat on the phone in silence with him for like 2 minutes and just said “fine, but I leave at 3”. He promised he would call me as soon as he woke up.

Obviously that didn’t happen. I still haven’t heard from him since then and I’m half way back to school. But whatever. I must have been at the very bottom of his priorities this weekend, even though he knew I was mainly coming back for him. He didn’t even say bye to me Saturday because he swore he would be back.

I guess I will take this as a learning experience and a crucial step to letting him go, even though I want so badly not to. I have been trying to keep my mind off of him, and I’m not going to call him again until he calls me. If he wants to ditch me like that then it’s fine with me.

“This time I (am) leaving without you”

-Tristan Skyler

Thursday, September 1, 2011

They Speak!

My last entry received the most responses (comments & emails) than any other of my entries to date. I can't express how excited I was to hear from all of you, even the ones who have never wrote me before. I did my best to respond to all of your emails, but please forgive me if a few of them were a little short. I've had a busy schedule today but I didn't mind taking some time out of it to interact with you.

That being said, very few of your emails contained questions that I could address to everyone in an entry. However I will do my best from what I was given. I strongly encourage you to leave a comment on my posts (it is 100% anonymous) and post questions and comments for others to read and respond to. I want this to become more like a community than just a personal journal. 

But to the questions I did receive...

Do you only like straight guys?
That's a tough question. So far, there has only been one gay guy that I've liked, but he was still mostly in the closet and we never got close enough to even have the chance of a relationship. I'm pretty sure I mentioned him in July, 2010 entries because he went on the Europe trip with me, refer back to those for that story. But other than him, I have only ever really been attracted to straight guys. I don't like guys that try to look and act gay, that doesn't attract me at all. I like guys that look like... guys. But I don't like manly guys, I still like smaller ones, with boyish faces and little to no body hair at all.

Why do you lie about being gay?
I don't know. I have just seen so many people change how they feel about me once they find out I'm gay. For example, Nemo and Justin. I don't think they will ever look at me the same way again. Some people I feel it's best to just not tell. The world doesn't need to know my sexuality. The only ones who need to know are guys I like, Besides, I have said before that I don't like labels. The stereotype of being "gay" is not me at all. I would rather say "I'm physically attracted to the male species of the human race" ;)

Is there a film group on campus to do editing and stuff with?
There is a film club, but I've made several efforts to email the guy in charge, but haven't received a response yet. However, Lyle told me he would gladly make videos with me sometime. I'm a little worried about that ever happening now that he's starting to make other friends, but we will see.

What are you majoring in?
I haven't declared it yet but I'm almost certain I'm majoring in Communications and Minoring in Film Studies. Those are the closest things my school offers to film production.

How did you get placed with your roommates? Was it random?
Somewhat. They had a survey we had to fill out online about smoking, sleep, and other habits. But obviously it wasn't very accurate. I tried requesting a guy to be my roommate (who was gay) but of course they screwed up my application and I didn't get to be with him. But he's 3 doors down now so we still hang out sometimes. No I'm not interested in him.

How do you think Brad would have reacted if you told him you were gay?
I don't know and honestly I don't want to. He said he wouldn't be offended if I was but the way he asked made it seem like he would. That would give them another reason to differentiate from me. No thanks.

How did things go last night?
This was in response to me telling someone about Tyler planning to bring a girl over to "fuck" last night. I was really hoping he wouldn't be so "lucky", but my friend texted me that she saw him walk in with a girl. When they came up to the room and he said "Let me slip into something more comfortable" I was like "Umm, I'm gonna go hang out with my friend, nice to meet you!". It was so awkward. Luckily my friend happily let me hang out with her and her friends downstairs until they left. He told me afterwards that the girl only let him finger her and wouldn't have sex with him until she had known him for two weeks instead of just one. What a whore...

What are you going to do about the whole Mikey situation?
Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen with Mikey and I. I want to continue our friendship, but I'll probably wait until next summer (if we last that long) to pursue it any farther. Not saying I won't keep at it and call him every few days or so, but I don't think me being away for months at a time will do anything to further what we have.


Again, thank you all for your responses and questions. If you have any more let me know.

I talked to Mikey today but he says he's going to the movies tomorrow night and a football game all day Saturday. But he still thinks we can work around it and work on this song (that hasn't been written yet). To be perfectly honest, I could care less about the song. I just want to see Mikey and hopefully spend time with him alone. I have also texted Corey and he says his aunt and uncle are in town so he doesn't know if he can meet up with me. At first I thought this was just an excuse since he found out I'm gay, but after a few texts he seemed to be unchanged by this new "discovery" about me. I didn't bring it up to him though.

SITE UPDATE: I added a "Translate" widget to the sidebar for easier access for my international readers. Love you guys! I also added an "About Me" page at the tab which is a copy&paste from my first entry for my new readers. Enjoy!

Thanks again for your responses and I really look forward to your next ones!