Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Loneliness


Today marks exactly 1 week into college classes, which actually have been going pretty well. Except statistics, but that's just because I'm not a huge math fan. But I'm sure you guys are far from concerned about my actual "school" part of college.

Instead, you would rather hear about the social part. Unfortunately, it isn't a very positive one so far.

First off, my roommates are even more annoying than I could have possibly imagined. They talk to each other in the loudest voices possible, even when they come in the room and I have the lights off and am under the covers. They show no concern for me or my stuff. Brad keeps using my iPod dock and blaring his music really loud. I've warned him twice about blowing the speakers yet he continues to do it. Not only that, but Tyler (who pissed on the floor in a previously entry) NEVER flushes the toilet and always leaves a mess on the seat. I mean really, how hard is it to wipe it and push the handle? But honestly, I think the worst part is that they are actually starting to become buddies, and I'm being left out. Not that I want to be their friend, but I feel like I'm now the outsider of the group. Which isn't such a great thing when living with them.

But other than them being extremely obnoxious, Brad asked if I was gay today.

"No", I responded, staring at my laptop monitor without flinching.

"I didn't think you were but your taste of music is very...flamingly gay"

I don't mind that he asked, but the fact that he did it only to insult my musical taste really bothered me. What does music have to do with sexuality? I know several straight guys that like Kesha, Katy Perry, and even Lady Gaga. Just because I like pop music doesn't make me gay. I liked it even before I realized I was gay.

On a sidenote, Mikey called yesterday and told me he had some bad news. He dragged it out for a really long time, but he eventually told me that "a little birdie" had told Nemo and Justin I was gay. I assume it was Dylan, but I know Mikey well enough that as soon as Dylan let it out Mikey backed him up. The way Mikey told me it's like he was expecting me to freakout, but I blatantly told him "If you were expecting me to freak out or something, I'm not. I don't really care. If they want to judge me because of that then it's their problem, not mine". I think this was the best thing to tell him because it gives him no further reason to discuss it with them. The only thing that really scares me is that Justin and Nemo tell their parents everything, and this is likely to get back to them. Not only that, but their parents are really good friends with Mikey's parents. I would literally die inside if Mikey's mom banned me from talking to him just because of that.

Their reactions:
Nemo: "Really?"
Justin: "Fuck Tristan"
Lester (another group member): "I can't believe I got naked in front of him"
Corey (Not sure how he was involved): "He texts me all the time..."

Like I said earlier, it doesn't really hurt me that they found out, I just don't want things to be awkward next time I see them, which undoubtably will be. Corey told them that he already knew, but I doubt it. I hate that he found out because we don't even know each other in person yet. I still planning on texting him tomorrow or the next day about me coming home this weekend to see if he still wants to meet up.

Another side note: There is only one attractive guy (so far) in any of my classes. He's in my Philosophy class and I honestly can stare at him all class and not get bored. I even think my professor noticed me staring today. But the professor seems gay anyways so I'm sure he didn't think it was weird, haha. The guy is usually quiet but I think next class I will attempt to talk to him. Phillip is his name.

I just remembered that I haven't even gotten to the title of this entry. Sorry, there was so much to talk about.

If I can think of one word to explain college so far, it would be "lonely". And it's not even that I'm not hanging out with people, I am. But it all seems superficial. And in all honestly I don't think it would be this bad if I had never met Mikey. With him I realized a new kind of friendship that I haven't ever found in anyone else. It made everything else seem...shall I say "casual"? I don't know. I just feel empty without him, even if it's only a little piece of me. And I don't know if I will ever fully recover from that.

I remember I used to wish that I could have something like I did with him (or more) even for a little while and I would be happy for the rest of my life. That is so far from the truth. Not only am I more depressed because of it, but it has changed how I see all my other friends. I don't blame Mikey at all (how could I? I love him) nor do I regret it, but I almost wish it didn't happen so quickly and that we had more time for our friendship to develop.

So I can't really decide if I consider this loneliness a good or bad thing. It's good in the sense that I like being alone when my roommates aren't here, but it's equally or even more-so bad because it has caused my mood to drop way below usual levels.

Thoughts? Questions? Anything?

Email me: Tristan@TristanTalks.com

-Tristan

1 comment:

  1. Colleges are big and diverse. Keep going out and you'll find people to hang with. Join a club (or start one). Maybe you should come out? Or do you only like straight guys?

    Why did you lie about being gay? You could have said 'none of your business'. If you lie about who you are it will hurt your soul.

    It will take more than a week to find someone like Mikey :)

    Don't overstate your emotions. Missing someone is longing, not loneliness. Are you feeling isolated, different? We all do. But in truth, deep down, we're all the same, we all have feelings. You may be on the fringe sexually, but in other ways you're a regular guy. Like I said, college is a big place, you can find someone who fills your shoes, even a BL, if you look hard enough. Good luck :)

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