Monday, July 4, 2011

Times Now Forgotten

I wasn't planning on writing an entry tonight, but thought it would be interesting to share with you pieces of emails I sent to a close online friend back when I was 15 where I discuss my sexuality. As far as I know, these are the earliest records of my sexuality, lol.

I admit, there was a short time that i questioned myself and God about being gay or not. I felt like I was but I really didn't know if that was for selfish reasons or something else. Then I realized the larger picture. I want to raise a family of my own. I like girls because they are compassionate, which a lot of guys lack. I saw that I could never see myself in a relationship with another guy. I never accepted the fact that i might be gay, and I'm glad I didn't. But yeah, i feel like physically, my attraction leads more to guys. Of course, no one in person knows that and never will know unless I really trusted them. I don't know why I feel this way but I mean, there is nothing I can do about it. I am still attracted to girls, but only to their face. I know it sounds weird but when I see boobs and stuff, it doesn't really "turn me on". I know that sounds really perverted, lol. However, when I see a guy or something at the beach with no shirt and a tight bathing suit or whatever, i find myself attracted to him. Now that's not saying I'd go out and molest him (EWW!) but it does make me realize that he is cute. I hope this doesn't gross you out or anything. I've been going through it for years but never really felt comfortable enough to share it with you until you shared what you did with me. If this does creep you out, let me know and ask any questions. No, i'm not gay or bi, I am straight.

----------------

When i said attracted to guys, i didnt mean only sexual. I mean just physically. Not comparing, but i do notice how cute they are in the face. I know that sounds weird, but I don't really see it as a bad thing that i can tell when both guys and girls are cute. Of course I'd never call a guy cute to his face, but to myself i think it. Now it may be a different story with a girl :) Still, it's nothing more than thoughts, i'd never get in a relationship or sexual relationship with a guy. Sexual relationship as in full blown out sex. I don't like the thought of that anyways. Most guys my age are always thinking about (or having) sex with girls, but personally, i don't really see it as anything i look forward to. The actual sex part that is. However, when i imagine stuff with guys it seems so much better than with a girl. I don't know why. Hey, at least I won't be have to worry about getting a girl pregnant if I don't want to do it anyways, haha. That can wait until marriage. Ok i'm grossing you out, my bad. Just trying to let you know that I am not just some weirdo-gay-whad or whatever. ;)

---------------------

(This one is from when I was 16, a year later.)

I believe I have told you before, but not so plainly, that I have somewhat of a physical attraction to guys. That's something NO ONE in real life knows about but I trust you with it. It's something that I cannot control. It doesn't mean I am gay. I still have an emotional attraction to girls and look to them for relationships. But for me now, I do not have any sexual attraction to women. Maybe (and hopefully) that will change as I get older. But it's something that I don't think about nor worry about too much. I would be worried if I made the decision to not be attracted myself, but I have always been that way and I feel that is the way God has made me. My attraction to guys is nothing more than physical and I would never be open about it. The weird thing about it is, I have a very limited range of guys that I am attracted to. Mainly guys 12-15. I feel this range is broadening as I get older. It's not something I chose, it's the way I have always thought. I have talked with a friend about it online (he is much older) and he believes it is just an attraction to the innocence of boyhood as he calls it. He used to work with a lot of teens who have problems, whether they are from a divorced family, gay, bi, suicidal, etc. He believes it is something I will always have with me but it will weaken as I get older and my attraction will start to shift back to girls. I don't think I'm gay, and I don't want to be. That's why I'm hoping he is right. I don't want to live with no sexual attraction to my wife. Then I would feel like I am not being true to her. But then again if I do not get over it, I don't really know what will happen... That's why I try not to think about it too much and hopefully God will sort things out as I mature. Please don't think any differently about me because of this. Like I said before I believe I have hinted towards this but not came right out and said it. When I say the age range 12-15, this does not mean anything other than I am attracted to them physically. No, I'm not gonna be a child molester. I'd kill myself before I ever hurt a child.

----------

So yeah, I found these interesting to look back on and maybe you will find them interesting as well. As you can see I was still questioning/denying my sexuality at that time, but that was because I was still largely influenced by my Christian background. Plus the guy I was sending them to was very religious.

Anyways, just an update for now. Mikey is coming back on the 9th, can't wait!

If you have something you want me to write about, send me an email to TristanTalks@gmail.com.

-Tristan

1 comment:

  1. You can be whatever you want to be, or you can just be Tristan. Labels are just that, labels. Find beauty and love where you see it. We were all put here to love someone and be loved. So who fills the role of loving the lonely confused gay boy? There you go. Everyone has a purpose :)

    ReplyDelete