Friday, July 15, 2011

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I really, REALLY hate to post this entry. Especially the same day I posted about what happened last night. It makes me sound like a hormonal, bi-polar, preteen girl during PMS. But it has to be done.

This morning I woke up feeling a lot better about what happened yesterday, but it was still on my mind. I immediately wrote and posted the previous entry and then went on with my morning routine. I went to the mall with my mom at about 3pm and we left there at about 5:30. I decided to check Facebook on my phone, and saw where Mikey had posted a comment saying "sorry for yesterday", I responded that I was sorry too and if he wanted he could still come over and help me edit. To which he agreed, so I got my mom to stop by there on the way home and pick him up. I went in his house for about 5 minutes where we talked a little and he changed clothes. All of the tension from the day before was gone, and I told him he could even bring the game that caused the whole thing with him to play, but he decided not to, because he didn't want to "mess things up again".

So he came over and we went to my room to edit. Nothing about yesterday came up except for when we joked about each others attitudes. It was as if nothing at all had happened. Actually, he seemed to be more comfortable with me than ever. He took my phone and started going through it, which caused me to reach over him to try and get it back. My chest was against his, and my face was inches away from his. My arms were wrapped around his back, trying to grab my phones from his hands. He didn't seem to mind though. I grabbed his arm and twisted it until he dropped it. This happened more than once, other times it was with my computer mouse trying to stop him from posting "I'M GAY" on my Facebook. This time I ended up with my face in his crotch and my arm around his leg. Again he didn't seem to mind me being close. He actually thought it was funny. I think that's the most I have ever touched him, and it felt great. I also learned that despite his looks, I am much stronger than him. I held his hand and then twisted it back, almost like arm wrestling in mid air. At one point he had a toy gun that he put to my cheek, but I turned and opened my mouth, and he stuck it in and out, then tried to test my gag reflexes before I stopped him. At one point he went to a porn website on my laptop when I wasn't looking, and when I did I acted interested (it was a bunch of girls), and proceeded to scroll through it. I joked about him clicking the "gay" tab at the top, and then told him to exit out of it because I didn't want a virus on my laptop, if he wanted to look at porn use my other computer, but he didn't. Sigh...

There were two situations that I should have taken advantage of that I didn't. I guess because I was still a little shaken up by yesterday, I didn't want to do anything that would make him mad at me. He took some of my headache pills in his hand and pretended to swallow them all, and I told him that if he did that and passed out, I would do sick things to his body. At this point he pretended to pass out and laid on my floor, "dead". Instead of messing with him, I wasted like 20 seconds getting my camera ready to take pictures (I don't know why...) then grabbed a toy wand and threatened to shove it in all orifices of his body. I went for his mouth but he turned his head, then I threatened to stick it in his butt but he got up when I touched him with it. There were plenty of things that I SHOULD have done with this time of him being "dead", but I guess since it was so unexpected I didn't know what to do.

The second "Shoulda" moment came when we were sitting together editing and he put his hands in his pants. Remember, he does this often and I usually think nothing of it. But this time he was messing around down there so I said "What are you doing?" and he responded "Playing with my penis". I looked at him and said "I can tell", then turned back to the computer. What I SHOULD have done was ask "Need any help?", because  in the moment I sort of have a feeling that he would have let me. But who knows, he could have just responded with "No brah I ain't gay". Oh well...

Anyways, like I said I really hate posting this entry. I feel like all that drama was for nothing last night and for me to go right back into being this attracted to him is a bit ridiculous. But I can't make sense of my emotions, they just happen the way they want to.

For all of you that have written me emails, I will respond this weekend. Maybe not tomorrow because there is a chance Mikey may come over again, but definitely Sunday because he will be gone for two days. Again, I apologize for taking so long to respond and I still GREATLY appreciate you taking the time to write me. I just want to take the same amount of time to give you the response you deserve.



  1. I'm glad you're spending quality time with Mikey. It will happen when it happens if it happens. Don't push it. Yes, he's flirting with you but you can't be pushy. Maybe you should flirt with him a little?

    For me, its never about the sex, its about he closeness. I'm glad you're letting yourself feel close to him. Don't worry about what to do. Don't turn sex into an 'act' - its an emotion. It has to be mutual, and spontaneous. Then it will be special ;)

  2. You tell Mikey you're gay but you don't act gay towards him. Why is that? Are you gay or not? What are you afraid of?

    Sorry if I'm breaking the 4th wall of Internet blogs, but if I could ask Mikey one question it would be: would you mess around with me even if you weren't gay? Just to see what its like? I wonder what he'd say....