Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Holding Out

So I didn't write an entry last night because I figured today would be very similar to yesterday. I guess I was wrong.

Yesterday: I met up with the gang at about 2 in the afternoon. Everyone liked the props and costumes Mikey and I bought. Actually Mikey made costumes after he left my house Monday night which was pretty cool of him to do. A few of us required makeup, including myself. Mikey wanted to do mine. Actually it was more like face paint than makeup, but all the same. He began with my face, but also did my arms. It was a little awkward at first, but I got more comfortable with it as he was going. It wasn't the makeup that I was uncomfortable with. It was just the fact that he was applying it and touching my face. I kind of liked it. At one point he was doing under my arm and he said "Umm, aren't gay guys supposed to shave their armpits?". I responded "Depends on if the guy we're with wants them shaved". I looked at him and we both laughed. Nemo walked in right after and laughed like he heard the conversation, but he most likely didn't. After Mikey finished my makeup, Nemo wanted to do my hair. I actually found it amusing that the two guys I am most interested in did the most with me physically, haha. As he was doing it, he said "I know this seems gay since I don't really know you all that well", but I told him it was fine and it didn't matter to me. It wasn't that great hearing that he "didn't know me all that well", even though we have done several projects together before, but oh well, I liked the way it felt when he worked the gel through my hair.

After everyone was in costume and makeup, we went down into the woods and began filming. I told Mikey that since he wrote the script he could pretty much direct the video. I let Dylan do most of the camerawork. In the beginning, everything was running smoothly. But as time went on, people began to argue more and everyone seemed to be stressing out, especially Mikey. He was yelling back and forth, but I honestly don't blame him because the other guys were being really annoying and immature. But the way he fought back just delayed things even longer. I also think the heat played a big role in it. We filmed for several hours, then finally decided to call it quits for the day. Many times during the day Mikey and I shared eye contact where we "telepathically" expressed our feelings to each other about how the others were acting. I kind of liked it, and I felt like it was reassuring to him to know that he wasn't alone feeling this way. When we got back to the house, Mikey asked me to take him to get dinner. I don't like doing that because every time I end up paying for his food. But I kind of feel that it is worth it, just for the alone time with him. He started talking about how I wished he was my brother, and I jokingly said, "Umm, no I don't". He seemed a little offended by this and continued to question me about it until we left and I told him I was joking. In reality I meant it because then any relationship would be incest and that's just weird, haha.

When we left, we spent most of the car ride bitching about the other members and how they were goofing off. He also restated that I was his best friend, which backed up the statement he made the day before. When we got to the restaurant, we spent most of the time talking about me "not being gay", as always. But it was a little different this time. He seemed to almost be flirtatious about it. We were sitting across from each other in a booth and at one point he stretched his legs out so they were on either side of me up against me. I didn't say anything at first, but when I looked down he said "If you were straight this wouldn't bother you". I told him that I wasn't and it didn't. The rest of our "gay" conversation was as usual, but at one point I think I FINALLY convinced him that the only thing "gay" about me was that I liked boys, and that all of the usual stereotypes don't apply. In a separate conversation, he told me he's never had feelings for a girl. I jokingly said "That's why you're gay", but quickly responded with "just joking". He never denied it though, just laughed. I think next time the topic comes up I'll ask him more seriously "How do you know that you're not gay?" and see where that goes. Only when we are alone though, because I feel that's when we really connect.

When we got to his house, I let him out, but he got back in my car telling me to take him to his grandma's cause he didn't have the key. I got halfway out the driveway and he held up a key and started laughing. So I put my car in park and told him that he had to walk all the way back to his house, he kept saying no, and finally told me he was scared to be up there alone. I believed him, and said "I'll go up there to comfort you, baby" in a really sexual voice. So I did, and walked him to the door. When he got in we talked for a little bit and then said bye.

Overall it was a very good day. I liked the connection that Mikey and I seemed to have throughout, and I especially liked our time together alone. I'm really starting to think he's questioning his sexuality, because he has never denied or said anything about it when people accuse him of it. And he's always joking around about being gay. It does hurt me a little to see his friends calling him gay, but that's probably because I was called that all through middle school, but not by my friends. Maybe the friendly bullying will make him more willing to accept it though. I don't know, but I had high hopes for the next day and was ready to make a move with him when we were alone again.

Today: I woke up at 10, but had my alarm set for 11 so I decided to go back to sleep until then. I was awoken at 10:20 by my phone. I assumed it was Mikey, but it was a number I didn't recognize so I let them leave a voicemail, and when I checked it it was an army recruiter. I went back to sleep. At 10:40, my phone rang again. This time it was Mikey, telling me he couldn't film today. I was a little upset, but in a way relieved because I felt I needed a break after all the hard work yesterday. I tried to sound really upset though and expressed that I didn't want to do it without him. I went back to sleep, only to be awoken again at 10:56 by Mikey, telling me nevermind and that he could. FORGET IT. I got up and got in the shower. So much for my extra hour of sleep.

I won't bother repeating everything that happened, because essentially it was very similar to yesterday. But something was different. Mikey wrote a whole page of notes on which he talked about ways everyone could approve, including himself (be less Hitler-like and have fun with it). It sounded like a good idea at first, but when we actually began filming this was a problem. He seemed to act as immature as them at times, and most of the time I felt like it was Dylan and I taking control. Mikey was still getting stressed, but stayed quiet about it. We made none of the eye-contact like yesterday, and didn't really get any time to talk to each other alone the whole day. The only time I felt a connection was when they were asking why I pay for his food, and he responded "because he loves me". I quickly retaliated with a quick "shut up", but Dylan kept looking back and forth at me and him like he couldn't believe it. The other guys passed it off as nothing, luckily. But for the next few minutes Mikey and I kept looking at each other, which for me started out angry but in the end was funny.The rest of the day from about 5:30 on, I felt out of it. Most of it was because they were all having conversations about people I didn't know. I was planning on leaving, but then Justin's mom went to get us pizza, so I felt it would be rude to leave. The only one that caught on was Mikey, and he came over and asked what I was doing and why I looked all depressed. I told him I wasn't, but clearly I was. Even while eating they were still talking about people I didn't know, so again I felt out of place. I wish that I could be their age and know who they know. Then maybe things would be different.

When we finished, Mikey wanted me to come upstairs with him to look at some stuff we filmed (even though we had already watched it) while everyone was downstairs. Wow, something was definitely up. I immediately started following him up, pondering the forthcoming excitement of being alone with him again. BUT THEN, Justin called him and said his mom was there to pick him up. DAMNIT! So he got his stuff together and left.

That's about it for the past couple of days. Tomorrow will be our last day of filming and I will enter it with no expectations, good or bad. I ruined today for myself because I set the expectations so high because of the day before. I will just let whatever happens, happen.

Oh, and for those that have emailed me, I WILL write back. I've just been busy with the group and by the time I get home, check on everything online, and type an entry, I am out of time to respond to each of you individually. But I haven't forgotten about you and will respond to you within the next couple of days.


1 comment:

  1. Tristan,
    You are honest with your readers (I hope) so you can be honest with your friends. You do buy Mikey food because you love him. Why did you deny it and get upset? Mikey's testing you and you're confusing him.

    A BL knows that the way to 'fit in' is to know when to act their age and when to act your age.

    You deny stereotypes but you sound like you're trying to put Mikey into one. Why does he have to be gay to have feelings for you or to just 'fool around'? Why can't he be bi? Or just lonely?

    What's going on with Mikey's home life that he's not being fed and has nowhere to sleep? Why is he leaning on you? I'm not complaining, but that does put more responsibility onto you. You're a true Gentleman, but at some time you have to make your move. Rather than go to grandma's why can't he stay with you? What happens if you're out so late that Grandma's is not an option? Once the summer's over those opportunities to get close will be gone :'(

    You're a moviemaker so you know the storyline: that one special summer. The Summer of '11. It's almost over. Then things will change dramatically. Don't have any regrets! Good luck.