Sunday, July 31, 2011

Mother Madness

Sorry for going so long without an update. It was in part due to my laziness but also due to the fact that I've been spending so much time with Mikey. Last time I mentioned that we wrestled and how it almost seemed sexual. Well the wrestling has continued every day since (and yes I mean every day, because we were together somehow each day, his house or mine). But it hasn't been as sexual as the first time. Every time he does it, he tries to get me in a headlock between his legs and holds me there. The first time this happened he had to have held me in it for an hour and a half. It's pretty much impossible to get out of the way he does it. The only plus side about it is being between his legs. But after that I pretty much told him to never do it again, yet he still tries. But I do everything I can to resist. One day his mom came in and told us to stop because we were making too much noise.

The times that we haven't been wrestling we've been watching videos in his bed together. I enjoy these moments because of the closeness. He put his head on my shoulder Friday while doing so but then quickly took it away because he realized "this is gay", but I told him it wasn't. I know he realizes that we are close because every time he hears someone walking towards his room he scoots away from me.

But other than the wrestling and the close moments, not much has really happened between us, good or bad. He has been calling me every day though and we talk several times throughout the day, even days when we hung out together. He's always the one who makes the calls, so my only interpretation of this is that he likes talking to me. Most of the calls begin with him saying "Whatsup? I'm bored". He has woken me up two times this week, but I didn't mind either of them.

What I really wanted to talk about today I didn't figure out until about 1am last night.

Apparently his mom wasn't too happy with me yesterday. First off, she thought it was rude that I didn't say hi to her when I got there. This was the one thing that bothered me the most. She was right, I didn't. But only because when I entered the house with Mikey, she was working on her laptop and his dad was texting someone. Neither of them looked up at me or said anything, so I felt like saying anything would be interrupting. I wasn't trying to be rude at all, if anyone was being ignored it was me, not her. I don't know, I guess I'm just really sensitive about stuff like that. I've been aiming to impress his parents from the beginning. She was mainly upset at Mikey for giving her an attitude when he has friends over, which I understand, but the fact that she told him that she was upset with me is what hurt the most. I partly blame Mikey, because she had asked him when I was leaving at 11pm and he said by midnight, but I didn't decide to leave until 12:45. I had been at his house for about 11 hours at that point. He told me as I was leaving that his mom was pissed because he told her I was leaving at midnight. Which he failed to tell me. Heck, if I had known that at 11 she was asking when I was leaving I would have left then. I don't like people being mad at me.

I don't know what's to come between Mikey and I these next two weeks before I go off to school. I'm hoping the mom issue is resolved soon though. I want to really know that he will miss me and will stay connected when I'm gone.

As for the blog, I plan to continue it even when I go. Not sure how active I will be at first with updating, It may be harder than I think to keep it private living with 2 other guys. Would you guys still want to read when I go away? There will be new experiences and such. Almost like the 3rd episode in the series (the first being from my old blog in 11th grade that I imported).

I was almost bored enough to start turning this blog into a screenplay for a future film I may make later down the road. That would probably be way too risky though. But if anyone wants to turn my life into a movie, go right ahead!


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What Boys Do

As you may have noticed, I've decided to start each post with an image relevant to the entry. Just to spice things up a bit.

Today was a little different than usual because I hung out with a friend (the one who Mikey read texts to and from) that I haven't seen since last month. She and I were never really close until the last part of the school year, during which I opened up with her a lot. She doesn't know that I like younger boys, but she knows I like Mikey. We went out to lunch and then went to see a movie. About half way through my phone started to vibrate... it was Mikey. I really wanted to answer but also wanted to enjoy the movie. So I declined it and continued watching. About 15 minutes later it vibrated again, by Mikey, again. I decided to step outside of the theater and call him back. When I did, he told me that he was bored and wanted to talk. I told him I was at the movies and after a few minutes of telling me to please talk to him right then, he finally let me go (He later told me that he didn't realize I was AT the movies, he just thought I was watching one at home).

After the movie I called him back on the way home. We talked for a bit, and as soon as I got in the door, he asked if I could come over. So I grabbed a drink then headed out.

We started out as usual, sitting on his bed while he checked his Facebook and YouTube subscriptions. After about 30 minutes I told him I wanted to check my Facebook, but he wouldn't hand me the laptop. I reached over the grab it, which caused him to hold it further away from me. So this game again... I got in a position where I wrapped my legs around him and held one of his hands while he continued to use the laptop. I told him I would stay that way until he gave it to me, but he responded that he didn't care. This was actually a very comfortable position for me, because I basically had his whole body wrapped under my legs WHILE holding his hand. After a while though he grabbed for my phone, which I didn't give up as easily as last time after what happened. This led to more wrestling, and I purposely let him grab a hold to it so I could wrestle him for it. It was one of the best moments of our "physical relationship". We pretty much touched every part of each others body while play fighting, and I even grabbed his butt and crotch, trying to get him to drop the phone, but he didn't seem to mind and went on with it. At one point he let me have it back, but when I wasn't looking he jumped onto my back and I laid flat on my stomach, he grabbed under me (touching me you know where) until he finally pulled it out. He took off running into the living room until I grabbed him and thew him onto the couch, where we continued to wrestle. This time I purposely held him in a hugging/cuddling position and told him that if he didn't give it back I would make him have sex with me. He told me that I better not then threw me off of him and ran into the storage closet with my phone and locked the door. It was pretty easy to convince him to give it back, and when he did I put a password on it, just in case he did get a hold of it again.

After all the wrestling (about 30 minutes boy-on-boy time) we were both completely out of breath, but laughing and smiling because we both enjoyed it. Afterwards he got in the shower and told me to bring him a towel, and when I did I told him he had to step out of the shower to get it from me. He refused to do so, and I only gave in because I had to drop him off somewhere soon. He told me that he would tell everyone that I tried to rape him, but I told him that I would tell everyone that he enjoyed my attempt at raping him, haha.

It's weird, I never had any guy friends to play fight with when I was younger. After about 4th grade I started hanging out with only girls. There may have been one kid in 5th grade that I would play "secret agent" with and we would tumble around on the floor during PE, but not nearly as much as I did with Mikey today and Sunday. I guess it's a normal boy thing, and I really enjoyed it. I guess it might be the closest we come to "fooling around" with each other, so why not enjoy it? He knows I'm gay, and that I have a crush on him, but he doesn't mind grabbing each other in his bed. There's nothing to complain about.

Hopefully he will be interested in doing the same tomorrow. We'll see.

-Hulk Hogan

Monday, July 25, 2011

You Found Out

I was going to post this last night but by the time I got home it was really late and I wouldn't have had time to share it all in detail.

Yesterday, the group had planned to meet up around 1 to work on our next video. When the time came, everyone was acting like they didn't know about it and we couldn't get in touch with half the members. Mikey called me on the phone complaining about them and i agreed with him. We talked for about 30 minutes and at about 3 he called me again saying his mom said i could come over if I wanted to their family barbecue. I was a little weary about it since I didn't really know his family that well, but the fact that he invited me over out of all his friends meant a lot so I said yes. I got my stuff together then headed to his house.

When I got there Mikey greeted me at the front door and then we went into his room. His family wasn't there yet aside from his parents and sister, and I was glad because it meant some alone time. We got on Facebook and continued to argue with the other group members for a while. Then he decided we should go swimming. I changed in his bathroom and while changing he kept acting like he was going to open the door. I think he would have if I hadn't finished quickly. Anyways, more of his family started to arrive so the pool area became more crowded as we started to swim. Some of his cousins brought water balloons which Mikey got a hold of and started throwing them at me. It was actually a good way for me to get to know his younger family members because some were cheering for me and others for him. The best part of the fights were when we through one at each other in the pool and it didn't bust so we would both try to grab it at the same time and inevitably ended up grabbing each other underwater and pushing against each other. After swimming and throwing balloons for a while we took a break and went back to his room to watch YouTube videos together in his bed. It started out with us sitting on the side but we eventually moved up to laying beside each other. Not too close, but just the fact that he let me lay in his bed with him showed that he was really comfortable with me. We then went to eat, then back out to the pool (I didn't swim this time but watched him and his cousins playing. Mikey got a little hyper and started acting immature. At one point they were throwing ice cream and pepsi at each other on the back porch and made a huge mess. Mikey's mom got really pissed and made them all clean it up before they left. I started to clean but she said "No Tristan, don't you clean up their mess", but I told her I really didn't mind helping. After we finished his family left so Mikey and I headed back to his room.

This time things started out normal, we laid in his bed again watching YouTube videos. He kept putting his hands into his pants like normal, but this time he didn't have a shirt on. At one point he even pulled them down enough where everything was exposed, but as I glanced over he quickly covered up. I was a little surprised by that because we were laying right next to each other. That made it almost as "gay" as it could get, haha. But I didn't say anything about it...

Then things got bad. He grabbed my phone when I wasn't looking and started to go through my texts. Thinking back on recent conversations I've had with people about him I went into panic mode and jumped on top of him trying to take it back. He seemed to like this wrestling though, especially at the point when I laid on top of him while he held my phone under his chest face down, and I put my arms around him in sort of a "hugging" position, but I still couldn't get the phone, he flipped over, knocking me off then ran to the bathroom with my phone. His parents were in the living room so I wasn't going to storm into the bathroom after him. I let it go, figuring he wouldn't find anything. Boy was I wrong...

He came back in the room with this pissed off expression on his face, then handed me the phone, I asked what he read, and he showed me. It was a conversation I had with a friend while he was at the beach. Something along the lines of maybe she should try to be Mikey's friend to find out his sexuality for me so I can try again next summer and me saying that "I'm in love with him lol". He put on a shirt then told me he would let me off easy by kicking me out of the group and telling me that he would never talk to me again when I go off to college (earlier that day he told me that he didn't want me to leave). I was embarrassed, as well as angry with him for doing that. 

The most peculiar thing about it was, after about 2 minutes of his rant about not having anything to do with me, he got back in bed with me and went to watch more videos. He could tell I was still mad, and said "I don't get why you are mad at me, if I'm not mad about it you shouldn't be". I told him it wasn't that I was mad that he found out that I "loved him", but that he invaded my privacy. He told me he felt like it was his business since it involved him, but I argued that sometimes things are said because we aren't ready for that person to know yet and want to ask a friend for advice. 

After that, nothing more was said about it. He kept his shirt (and pants) on this time, but we seemed to scoot closer and closer together while laying watching videos. At one point we were side by side (touching at the hips and stomach) and when his mom knocked on the foor both of us reacted by instantly scooting away from each other, so we both knew it was happening.

He told me to get on the floor because he was going to bed, even though I knew he wasn't. When I got down there he started looking at porn on his iPod. I told him that he was missing out because it looked so much better on my laptop. He started out with the whole "I don't care" act, but when he found out certain videos wouldn't load on his iPod, he told me to hand him my laptop and lock the door and turn the lights off. So I did, and at the same time I sat with him in bed. I didn't do anything on the computer, I let him take control. He looked at a few sites and seemed to be turned on but said it was too awkward to do anything with me there since I was gay. I assured him that it was fine and I wouldn't care.

At this point i think I made a mistake by getting on Skype with a friend he wanted to meet, and doing so changed the focus off of porn. Which was too bad because I think that it might have went somewhere further if we would have kept it up until he got really horny. Oh well, at least I know his favorite porn sites if I'm ever over there that late again.

I left his house at about midnight (after being there for 9 hours), he thanked me for spending the day with him and I told him I enjoyed it.

Now, what do you make of the whole phone dilemma? I mean, to be honest I would be really weirded out if someone I didn't like was saying they loved me and really meant it. While he acted pissed at first, it almost came across as acting because he cracked a smile every now and then. Was it right for me to not bring it back up afterwards and explain? Would a completely straight guy (like he claims to be) be okay with knowing just a few days ago I was telling someone I loved him? Or pull out his junk when a gay guy is laying in bed right beside him? I guess if he really is straight I must have the wrong impression about straight boys all together.


PS: I didn't see Mikey today but we talked on the phone for about 3 hours and he almost invited me over because a friend backed out of plans but then took it back. I was a little let down, but he told me that he was sorry and he still loved me. Normally after he says that he says "not like that", but not this time. Hmm...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Touch Me

I apologize for no new updates since Wednesday. I was expecting Mikey to come over on Thursday to record for the new video, but only Dylan and Justin could make it. We still had a good time though, but were only together for about an hour until we finished then played some Xbox before Justin's mom picked him up (he's not allowed to ride with me because his mom doesn't like him riding with a teenager...whatever!). He got his hair cut, and I think it looks better on him, but I can tell that he's starting to mature in his face. His brother Nemo is still cuter, and looks younger. But they both have sexy, pre-pubescent voices haha.

Later Thursday night, Mikey called me. I was assuming it was to tell me to come get him so he could do his parts, but he actually said he couldn't but he was bored and wanted to talk to someone. That was fine with me. We talked about how things went with Dylan and Justin. We also talked about videos he had watched that day and what he had for dinner. This was the first time he's ever called me without a real reason. It actually reminded me of phone calls with my ex-girlfriend (long story, it was from 5th-9th grade, nothing real, not even a hug). I don't know why I compare his call to hers, maybe it's just because it was about mostly pointless stuff but we both enjoyed it. Who knows.

Mikey came over on Friday alone to record some of his parts. I was disappointed when he told me that he had to be home in an hour, so we rushed it and didn't have any interesting discussions. The most interesting thing that happened was he randomly said "Fuck me in the butt" while recording. I turned to him, and said "no thanks". No more was said about it and we went on. We planned to maybe meet up Saturday (today) to pick out his costume. Oh, and I gave him my old webcam so he could use it to Skype me when I go off to college.

Oh and a quick update about Frankie. Friday was the last day of camp but I think it went really well and even though I was sad that I wouldn't see him anymore, I managed to take a few really good pics of him to keep forever. I also fixed his hair by running my fingers through it before the show. It felt really good, mainly because of the fact he trusted me with doing it. I have noticed that I have become more and more obsessed with touch lately. Not sexual, but touch in general. Is that normal?

So today came. It was a pretty quiet morning. Dylan texted me asking if we were filming today but I told him no. While I was eating lunch my phone rang. It was Mikey. I quickly tried to finish chewing and swallow, then answered. When we first started talking, he didn't get to the point if he could come today, so I had to ask. Again, he was acting different on the phone than before. I've mentioned that his voice changes from a cute high-pitched voice to a low not-so-cute voice. I guess it's just his voice's way of changing but it's been this way for a year now. Anyways, this entire call was in his high voice. It almost sounded flirtatious even. He told me that his mom told him that if he asked his dad if there were any chores he needed to do and if not he could come with me. So I told him to ask, but his response was interesting..

(M=Mikey , T=Tristan)
M: I can't.
T: What? Why can't you ask?
M: I'm scared.
T: Of your dad?
M: Yes, he intimidates me, and he's in the living room watching tv.
T: Oh... but think about it, if he says no that means you can get out of the house.
M: I'm sitting outside. If I go ask, will you stay on the phone?
T: Okay, I'll be here if anything happens, haha.
M: Thanks.
M: That was scary.
T: Did you do it?
M: Yes.
T: And?
M: I can go.

I just wanted to share that conversation because of what he mentioned about his dad. I knew he didn't like him, but not enough that he was scared to ask him something. When I got there to pick him up his dad was cutting grass and his mom was in the garage. She smiled and waved at me, he ignored me. As I was backing out of the driveway Mikey told me to hurry up so his dad wouldn't see me. I assume something happened recently between them but I didn't ask. When we got to the mall and passed a yogurt place he said he wanted to stop by there and would pay for mine, but I told him to wait until after we bought his costume. I thought it was nice of him to offer to buy me something. We went in Hot Topic (he had never been in there) and looked for a shirt. I asked what size he was but he didn't know, so he told me to check. I put my hand down his shirt along his back (completely unnecessary but he didn't seem to notice or mind lol), but the tag was missing. So he tried on a few things and finally found one he liked. We also made a Wal-mart stop to look for lipstick for him, and I was actually surprised that he wasn't uncomfortable in the makeup section. Most straight guys are. Afterwards we went to McDonalds. It was like old times. I REALLY enjoy eating out with just him. It feels as close to a date as I can come. He did the leg thing like he did the last time where he would put them across the booth beside me, but didn't keep them for as long that way this time, so I didn't get a chance to touch them to see how he would react. Oh well. I took him home after.

So while this was nothing special, I enjoy our alone time more and more the closer it gets time for me to go away to college. He said he isn't allowed to use the computer anymore until he pays his parents money he owes them so he can't set up his webcam yet but will when he can. I look forward to talking to him on it, maybe he will be more comfortable being open with me through that instead of in person.

That's all I can think of updating you on today. We may film tomorrow but I won't be alone with him so I don't think much interesting will happen. We'll see...


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I just wanted to do a quick update while I wait on Lion to install on my Mac, then I'm going to bed. For the past week I have been helping out at a children's theatre with a summer camp. Not much worth mentioning, the kids are really cool. About 15 girls and only 2 boys. One boy I have no interest in at all... he's chubby and a little.... slow for his age. On the other hand, this other kid Frankie (10 years old) is adorable. Not in the same category of cute as I put Mikey, but not necessarily just "little kid cute" either. I didn't talk to him much the first two days of camp (it's just me and my old drama teacher doing it). However, today I decided to stand in the lobby and watch them after camp was over until their parents arrived. Most of the other kids just talked among themselves, but I noticed that Frankie was wandering around in his own world. I have noticed before that when the other kids are sitting in a row of chairs, he chooses to sit in a row far away from them by himself. I'm not sure if he's just shy or he likes to keep to himself. Whatever it is, I was surprised when he turned and talked to me in the lobby. We started out talking about the elevator (he asked where it went) and I think from that point on he became comfortable with me, and I really enjoyed it. We talked for about 10 minutes before his mom came to pick him up, at that time he had wandered to the window but before he left he came back to me and said "Bye Tristan". I told him bye and waved as he left. I really love kids that age, especially boys. The girls in the camp are cute too, but I seem to have more of a connection with boys. I am sad that there are only 2 more days of the camp left. I will try to make the most of it with him though.

This is the longest "Less than a minute remaining" ever...

As for Mikey, things have been running smoothly the past few days. Nothing extremely good, nothing extremely bad. But overall, pretty good. Today he and Dylan came over to write a script but Mikey was very physical with me, shooting a toy gun in my ear until I grabbed it from him and hit him with it. We did a lot of this play fighting, then actually wrestled a bit on the floor. Not long enough to truly enjoy it though. Dylan did knee him in his nuts and Mikey pulled his pants down to show him how his dick was red, but didn't turn for me to see, most likely cause Dylan had been calling him gay most of the time. Although at one point when we were sitting at my desk, I wrapped my leg around Mikey's and he didn't react, and we sat that way for about 10 minutes. I'm not sure what his thoughts on it were but he didn't seem to mind.

Well Lion is done installing and I want to play around with it a little before bed, so I'll end here. Hopefully something interesting happens with Mikey soon, less than a month less. Even if it doesn't, I will be happy with what we have had.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I really, REALLY hate to post this entry. Especially the same day I posted about what happened last night. It makes me sound like a hormonal, bi-polar, preteen girl during PMS. But it has to be done.

This morning I woke up feeling a lot better about what happened yesterday, but it was still on my mind. I immediately wrote and posted the previous entry and then went on with my morning routine. I went to the mall with my mom at about 3pm and we left there at about 5:30. I decided to check Facebook on my phone, and saw where Mikey had posted a comment saying "sorry for yesterday", I responded that I was sorry too and if he wanted he could still come over and help me edit. To which he agreed, so I got my mom to stop by there on the way home and pick him up. I went in his house for about 5 minutes where we talked a little and he changed clothes. All of the tension from the day before was gone, and I told him he could even bring the game that caused the whole thing with him to play, but he decided not to, because he didn't want to "mess things up again".

So he came over and we went to my room to edit. Nothing about yesterday came up except for when we joked about each others attitudes. It was as if nothing at all had happened. Actually, he seemed to be more comfortable with me than ever. He took my phone and started going through it, which caused me to reach over him to try and get it back. My chest was against his, and my face was inches away from his. My arms were wrapped around his back, trying to grab my phones from his hands. He didn't seem to mind though. I grabbed his arm and twisted it until he dropped it. This happened more than once, other times it was with my computer mouse trying to stop him from posting "I'M GAY" on my Facebook. This time I ended up with my face in his crotch and my arm around his leg. Again he didn't seem to mind me being close. He actually thought it was funny. I think that's the most I have ever touched him, and it felt great. I also learned that despite his looks, I am much stronger than him. I held his hand and then twisted it back, almost like arm wrestling in mid air. At one point he had a toy gun that he put to my cheek, but I turned and opened my mouth, and he stuck it in and out, then tried to test my gag reflexes before I stopped him. At one point he went to a porn website on my laptop when I wasn't looking, and when I did I acted interested (it was a bunch of girls), and proceeded to scroll through it. I joked about him clicking the "gay" tab at the top, and then told him to exit out of it because I didn't want a virus on my laptop, if he wanted to look at porn use my other computer, but he didn't. Sigh...

There were two situations that I should have taken advantage of that I didn't. I guess because I was still a little shaken up by yesterday, I didn't want to do anything that would make him mad at me. He took some of my headache pills in his hand and pretended to swallow them all, and I told him that if he did that and passed out, I would do sick things to his body. At this point he pretended to pass out and laid on my floor, "dead". Instead of messing with him, I wasted like 20 seconds getting my camera ready to take pictures (I don't know why...) then grabbed a toy wand and threatened to shove it in all orifices of his body. I went for his mouth but he turned his head, then I threatened to stick it in his butt but he got up when I touched him with it. There were plenty of things that I SHOULD have done with this time of him being "dead", but I guess since it was so unexpected I didn't know what to do.

The second "Shoulda" moment came when we were sitting together editing and he put his hands in his pants. Remember, he does this often and I usually think nothing of it. But this time he was messing around down there so I said "What are you doing?" and he responded "Playing with my penis". I looked at him and said "I can tell", then turned back to the computer. What I SHOULD have done was ask "Need any help?", because  in the moment I sort of have a feeling that he would have let me. But who knows, he could have just responded with "No brah I ain't gay". Oh well...

Anyways, like I said I really hate posting this entry. I feel like all that drama was for nothing last night and for me to go right back into being this attracted to him is a bit ridiculous. But I can't make sense of my emotions, they just happen the way they want to.

For all of you that have written me emails, I will respond this weekend. Maybe not tomorrow because there is a chance Mikey may come over again, but definitely Sunday because he will be gone for two days. Again, I apologize for taking so long to respond and I still GREATLY appreciate you taking the time to write me. I just want to take the same amount of time to give you the response you deserve.


When Worse Comes to Worst

So I refrained from posting this yesterday so I could "sleep on it", in hopes that it would make everything better. Unfortunately that didn't happen...

Yesterday was our last day of filming. We only had like 2 pages of the script to do so I figured it would go over pretty easy. When I got there (Mikey wasn't there yet), Justin, Dylan, and Nemo were playing this football game on Xbox. I sat there watching them until Mikey got there as well as the last person in the group. They turned the game off so I figured we were about to go start filming. But then Mikey handed them this fighting game that they put in and began playing. I didn't say anything, but I was starting to get annoyed because we only had about 2 hours of shooting to do, tops.

Then an hour went by... again I remained silent. I got on my laptop and began "editing" (playing clips from what we did the day before to hopefully remind them of the reason we were all there), Dylan then suggested that we start filming. I agreed completely, but they seemed to ignore us. So Dylan got up and turned the game off. They all started yelling at him but eventually got their stuff together and we headed down into the woods. Shooting went okay, but you could tell that everyone had the mindset of playing the game rather than doing it. There were plenty of "let's just get this done" and certain game references. But nothing too big of a deal. We got to the point where we had one page left, but we forgot a few props back at the house so we headed up. When we got there a few people decided to take a water break, which turned into a snack break. Then Mikey said "Let's go play the game for a while". I was beyond pissed. We only had maybe 30 minutes of shooting left and he couldn't wait until we finished. So I calmly said, "Ok well if you guys do that then I'm leaving. I'll leave my camera here for you guys to finish". They all got silent. Dylan agreed with me and said for them to come back outside. But the rest of them went upstairs to play the game. So I went up with them. As I was walking up the stairs I heard Mikey and Justin whispering. I couldn't make out entirely what they said, but I did hear Mikey say "He goes off to college soon anyways". When I got up there they were quiet again, then Mikey said "Justin has something to ask you", but Justin quickly retaliated with "What the fuck Mikey, you were the one who said that", so Mikey asked me "What day do you leave for college again?" I told him the date and he looked over at Justin and said "That's less than a month away, then he'll be gone anyways. It's not like he matters". That was it. Soon after they turned on the game. I picked up my stuff and got ready to leave. They all looked at me and were like "Really?". I told them Mikey could direct the rest of it and Dylan could do the camerawork. Dylan begged that I stayed, but Mikey said "Yeah, we can do it ourselves, bye". They convinced me that they would play one round and then work on the video again. So I stuck around to see if that would happen.

When the round was done, they all turned and looked at me, then Mikey clicked "Rematch". I grabbed my stuff again and began to leave. Dylan once again got up and turned the game off. This pissed everyone off but Nemo. Nemo agreed that we should go finish up. Mikey had the worst attitude of them all. He kept saying things like "I don't even care about this stupid thing anymore, let's just get it done so we can get back to the game" and "If we were playing the game we could all be having fun unlike some people". So that was my breaking point. I exclaimed:

"Really Mikey? Then why are you even in the group in the first place? I see why everyone wanted you out. If you keep that up I'm out and you're doing everything yourself. It's your script."

I couldn't help it. I had the same kind of anger as I do when I'm yelling at my dad. As the words were coming out I could feel the pressure coming off of my mind and heart. I don't know how to explain the feeling, but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about when you blow up at someone you feel deserves it at the time.

Everyone was quiet after that, but they continued to get ready. We waited outside for everyone to finish getting costumes on and none of us said a word. Mikey said a few things trying to break the tension but it didn't work. Justin's parents were looking out the window watching us, they knew something was up because earlier they yelled "If you guys are going to start back-talking each other then I think it's time for everyone to go home and cool off".

We went to film the final scenes, and while it went faster than anything we had shot before, it lost it's fun factor, especially with Justin and Mikey (Justin refused to get fully in costume, and Mikey kept making game references about ways he would kill "someone"). We finished, and then everyone went upstairs to play the game, except for Mikey who had to call his mom. I took the opportunity to apologize to everyone else about the way I acted but they told me they completely understood and they were glad I did that. much for my optimistic attitude yesterday. No way did I see this coming. I texted with Dylan and he told me "Just ignore Mikey, he will get over himself. He's a freaking idiot and needs to grow up. None of this would be possible without you. Ignore him, he's nothing." That was a little relieving, coming from one of Mikey's best friends. I'm starting to think that Dylan cares about me more than Mikey. I hated thinking that everything between Mikey and I may be over. His immaturity showed more than ever, but mine did too for lashing out at him. I don't want to take back what I said, because I felt he needed sort of a wake up call to let him know he couldn't get away with everything just because he knew I liked him. I just felt like all chances of him liking me back were ruined.

Since then, I have been waiting on him to get on Facebook and message me, hoping that he would apologize and I could do the same. I'm not making the first move because it will seem like I am backing down first, giving him the advantage. I want him to think through the way he acted and take responsibility for himself.

What do you think I should do? Do you think anything between Mikey and I is forever doomed? Will this tear us apart or make us stronger? Is it wrong for me to wish things were like they used to be? I will leave you with this status he posted 2 hours before I woke up this morning.

"video games ruin friendships and cause people to change (dylan, justin, nemo, tristan, mikey)"


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Holding Out

So I didn't write an entry last night because I figured today would be very similar to yesterday. I guess I was wrong.

Yesterday: I met up with the gang at about 2 in the afternoon. Everyone liked the props and costumes Mikey and I bought. Actually Mikey made costumes after he left my house Monday night which was pretty cool of him to do. A few of us required makeup, including myself. Mikey wanted to do mine. Actually it was more like face paint than makeup, but all the same. He began with my face, but also did my arms. It was a little awkward at first, but I got more comfortable with it as he was going. It wasn't the makeup that I was uncomfortable with. It was just the fact that he was applying it and touching my face. I kind of liked it. At one point he was doing under my arm and he said "Umm, aren't gay guys supposed to shave their armpits?". I responded "Depends on if the guy we're with wants them shaved". I looked at him and we both laughed. Nemo walked in right after and laughed like he heard the conversation, but he most likely didn't. After Mikey finished my makeup, Nemo wanted to do my hair. I actually found it amusing that the two guys I am most interested in did the most with me physically, haha. As he was doing it, he said "I know this seems gay since I don't really know you all that well", but I told him it was fine and it didn't matter to me. It wasn't that great hearing that he "didn't know me all that well", even though we have done several projects together before, but oh well, I liked the way it felt when he worked the gel through my hair.

After everyone was in costume and makeup, we went down into the woods and began filming. I told Mikey that since he wrote the script he could pretty much direct the video. I let Dylan do most of the camerawork. In the beginning, everything was running smoothly. But as time went on, people began to argue more and everyone seemed to be stressing out, especially Mikey. He was yelling back and forth, but I honestly don't blame him because the other guys were being really annoying and immature. But the way he fought back just delayed things even longer. I also think the heat played a big role in it. We filmed for several hours, then finally decided to call it quits for the day. Many times during the day Mikey and I shared eye contact where we "telepathically" expressed our feelings to each other about how the others were acting. I kind of liked it, and I felt like it was reassuring to him to know that he wasn't alone feeling this way. When we got back to the house, Mikey asked me to take him to get dinner. I don't like doing that because every time I end up paying for his food. But I kind of feel that it is worth it, just for the alone time with him. He started talking about how I wished he was my brother, and I jokingly said, "Umm, no I don't". He seemed a little offended by this and continued to question me about it until we left and I told him I was joking. In reality I meant it because then any relationship would be incest and that's just weird, haha.

When we left, we spent most of the car ride bitching about the other members and how they were goofing off. He also restated that I was his best friend, which backed up the statement he made the day before. When we got to the restaurant, we spent most of the time talking about me "not being gay", as always. But it was a little different this time. He seemed to almost be flirtatious about it. We were sitting across from each other in a booth and at one point he stretched his legs out so they were on either side of me up against me. I didn't say anything at first, but when I looked down he said "If you were straight this wouldn't bother you". I told him that I wasn't and it didn't. The rest of our "gay" conversation was as usual, but at one point I think I FINALLY convinced him that the only thing "gay" about me was that I liked boys, and that all of the usual stereotypes don't apply. In a separate conversation, he told me he's never had feelings for a girl. I jokingly said "That's why you're gay", but quickly responded with "just joking". He never denied it though, just laughed. I think next time the topic comes up I'll ask him more seriously "How do you know that you're not gay?" and see where that goes. Only when we are alone though, because I feel that's when we really connect.

When we got to his house, I let him out, but he got back in my car telling me to take him to his grandma's cause he didn't have the key. I got halfway out the driveway and he held up a key and started laughing. So I put my car in park and told him that he had to walk all the way back to his house, he kept saying no, and finally told me he was scared to be up there alone. I believed him, and said "I'll go up there to comfort you, baby" in a really sexual voice. So I did, and walked him to the door. When he got in we talked for a little bit and then said bye.

Overall it was a very good day. I liked the connection that Mikey and I seemed to have throughout, and I especially liked our time together alone. I'm really starting to think he's questioning his sexuality, because he has never denied or said anything about it when people accuse him of it. And he's always joking around about being gay. It does hurt me a little to see his friends calling him gay, but that's probably because I was called that all through middle school, but not by my friends. Maybe the friendly bullying will make him more willing to accept it though. I don't know, but I had high hopes for the next day and was ready to make a move with him when we were alone again.

Today: I woke up at 10, but had my alarm set for 11 so I decided to go back to sleep until then. I was awoken at 10:20 by my phone. I assumed it was Mikey, but it was a number I didn't recognize so I let them leave a voicemail, and when I checked it it was an army recruiter. I went back to sleep. At 10:40, my phone rang again. This time it was Mikey, telling me he couldn't film today. I was a little upset, but in a way relieved because I felt I needed a break after all the hard work yesterday. I tried to sound really upset though and expressed that I didn't want to do it without him. I went back to sleep, only to be awoken again at 10:56 by Mikey, telling me nevermind and that he could. FORGET IT. I got up and got in the shower. So much for my extra hour of sleep.

I won't bother repeating everything that happened, because essentially it was very similar to yesterday. But something was different. Mikey wrote a whole page of notes on which he talked about ways everyone could approve, including himself (be less Hitler-like and have fun with it). It sounded like a good idea at first, but when we actually began filming this was a problem. He seemed to act as immature as them at times, and most of the time I felt like it was Dylan and I taking control. Mikey was still getting stressed, but stayed quiet about it. We made none of the eye-contact like yesterday, and didn't really get any time to talk to each other alone the whole day. The only time I felt a connection was when they were asking why I pay for his food, and he responded "because he loves me". I quickly retaliated with a quick "shut up", but Dylan kept looking back and forth at me and him like he couldn't believe it. The other guys passed it off as nothing, luckily. But for the next few minutes Mikey and I kept looking at each other, which for me started out angry but in the end was funny.The rest of the day from about 5:30 on, I felt out of it. Most of it was because they were all having conversations about people I didn't know. I was planning on leaving, but then Justin's mom went to get us pizza, so I felt it would be rude to leave. The only one that caught on was Mikey, and he came over and asked what I was doing and why I looked all depressed. I told him I wasn't, but clearly I was. Even while eating they were still talking about people I didn't know, so again I felt out of place. I wish that I could be their age and know who they know. Then maybe things would be different.

When we finished, Mikey wanted me to come upstairs with him to look at some stuff we filmed (even though we had already watched it) while everyone was downstairs. Wow, something was definitely up. I immediately started following him up, pondering the forthcoming excitement of being alone with him again. BUT THEN, Justin called him and said his mom was there to pick him up. DAMNIT! So he got his stuff together and left.

That's about it for the past couple of days. Tomorrow will be our last day of filming and I will enter it with no expectations, good or bad. I ruined today for myself because I set the expectations so high because of the day before. I will just let whatever happens, happen.

Oh, and for those that have emailed me, I WILL write back. I've just been busy with the group and by the time I get home, check on everything online, and type an entry, I am out of time to respond to each of you individually. But I haven't forgotten about you and will respond to you within the next couple of days.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Like a Girl Changes Clothes

I set my alarm for 10:45 this morning, but turned it off and fell back asleep. my phone went off again at 11:45, and as I reached over to silence it, I realized it wasn't my alarm, but Mikey calling.

I answered, trying to make my voice sound as awake as possible.

"Hey. Were you awake?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
Umm, my parents changed their mind. My mom is getting off early so you can come pick me up and we can go get props"
"Okay. Well i just woke up like 15 minutes ago so I have to get ready first"
"'(laughing) You're just like Dylan. Okay well I'll call you back when she gets home"
"Okay, bye"

Yeah, I lied a little, but only in an attempt to make him think I don't sleep my summer away, even though I do.

I have to admit that today was probably the quickest I have ever gotten ready in my life. I jumped out of bed and got a quick glass of milk, jumped into the shower, and continued with my regular routine at about 5 times the regular speed. When I finished, I saw I had a missed call exactly 3 minutes ago. I called him back and said I was on my way now. I grabbed a granola bar and headed out the door.

After picking him up, he told me he needed to be back in 2 hours. It kind of saddened me, but I figured that I would try to make the best of it. Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" came on my iPod, and Mikey told me that he dedicated that song to me. I told him I had a song to dedicate to him, so I played "Ur So Gay"

Haha, but he laughed at it. We got to the store and ended up spending almost $100 on props. We had already planned on a way to split it up with the other group members, but it still seemed like a lot. We were happy with what we got though.

We made a stop at Justin's house on the way back to drop off some things we would use tomorrow and then went back to Mikey's house. I convinced him to call his mom and ask if I could stay a while and help put things together. She said no, but told him we could do it at my house, so we did.

We worked for some time on making an intro video, and then started messing around on Facebook. My brother's friends were over here also so he felt a little awkward around them. I had to walk him to the kitchen and bathroom so he didn't have to walk by them alone, haha. Nothing special happened, but we did do a lot of touching (not like THAT). But for example I brushed off something from the back of his neck, I guided his hand on the mouse showing him how to do stuff, and we brushed our arms together a lot. Any kind of physical contact with him is nice.

At about 5:30 he said he should probably head home. So we drove to his house and he continued to sit in my car. He told me that he didn't want to leave. He told me i would have to push him out. Another opportunity for physical contact. So i opened the door and began gently pushing him, he didn't budge. When I started to get out and pull him out, he decided to get out himself. Too bad...

He told me not to leave until he got into the house. And good thing he did. First of all he left his phone in my car, second, the spare key was missing. He came back and called his mom, who told him they had taken it away and for him to just go to his grandma's house. So I drove him there which was luckily only  a few miles away. She wasn't home...

He told me it was time for plan 3. I asked what that was, and he scrolled on his phone until he came to my number. I played dumb and pretended like i didn't get what he was saying, but i eventually said "You want to come back to my house?". He laughed and said yes. So we headed back to my place.

I let him play my Xbox, which was probably a bad idea because he sat there for a few hours. One good thing came out of it though. When he didn't know how to do something he held his controller in his lap and I showed him what to do. Meaning my hands were so close to his crotch. I actually brushed against it at times but he didn't seem to mind. he squirmed a little once but that was it. It's also worth mentioning that while we were on my computer and i was reaching over him, he "bumped" up out of his seat so my arm hit his "parts". I ignored it, but I should have said, "If you wanted me to touch you there you could have just asked". 

He ate dinner with us, and then we went to my room to watch videos. Nothing much happened between then and the time his mom picked him up (10pm). I said goodbye and his mom thanked me for letting him stay so long.

So yeah, while nothing special really happened between us, i really enjoyed the day with just us together for about 9 hours. At times I got a little sick of him, but never enough that I wanted him to leave. I like feeling close to him.

IN CLOSING, I wasn't really sure where to put this where it would stand out, but it is probably the most important part of this entry. It was something Mikey said to me that seemed half-joking and half-serious. When I told him he could play the Xbox alone and didn't have to take turns, he said to me:

"You're my new best friend."

I responded with "Sure...", but he later explained that he was serious and that he was starting to not like Dylan like he used to. This felt like a really special moment between us, because even though he knows I'm gay and that i like him, he considers me his best friend.

Now you see why I can't get over this kid...

More to come tomorrow,

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Giving and Taking

This is more of a normal entry. I figured I would post it since there probably won't be one for a while.

Mikey came back home yesterday from vacation. I was thinking that I would have to be the first to message him, but as soon as he posted "I'm home" as a status on Facebook he IMed me. We talked a little about the trip, and then about our future plans to work on another project. We decided to have a meeting at Justin's house (one of the other group members) Sunday at 2pm (today).

So fast forward to today at about 1:30. I text Dylan to ask if we are still meeting. 10 minutes go by, no response. I text Justin.... no response. I post on response. I call Mikey... his phone is off. At this point I'm beginning to think that maybe they are all purposely avoiding me. But finally at about 1:50 Dylan texted me back saying yes, so I came over.

When I got there, Mikey wasn't there yet. Just Dylan, Justin, and 2 other members. Another worth mentioning, named Nemo. I've always considered him the best looking of his siblings, but today I seemed to notice even more than that. Even before Mikey got there, I determined that he was now the best looking guy in the group. Even though he hadn't gone through puberty in any level yet (he's 15). Anyways, the first thing Dylan said when I walked in the room was "Tristan, have you ever filled a condom.......with water?". I told him I was about to ask it depended on what he meant I filled it with. They laughed, and then he told a story about using one to jack off and it took forever because he couldn't feel it. Then Mikey came. It was my first time seeing him (besides Skype), in almost 2 weeks. He was a lot darker, and had some bumps on his face. For some reason something else looked different about him. I wasn't sure what it was, whether he were taller, slimmer, or just more mature looking. But he was still attractive.

I had a bad feeling at the start of the meeting. Mikey and I said nothing to each other at all, and it seemed like he didn't even look at me. We both sat there quietly while the others talked about wrestling, but didn't make an attempt to talk to each other. I wanted to, but didn't want to make the first move (like always). We finally all started talking as we read through the script, and Mikey finally started looking at me, but no statements directly to me. I still felt a little awkward and slightly embarrassed. Afterwards, there was another awkward moment when the guys were discussing wrestling and both Mikey and I were quiet. Again, nothing was said between us. We decided to go through the script and edit it. Mikey was the one who wrote it, so I had to be careful with what I said.

I guess I wasn't careful enough. Every suggestion that I had he blew off and seemed to get angry about. Even small changes, like cutting a line or switching words around. I guess he saw it as his work and he didn't want anyone doing anything. He reacted the same way when others tried to correct him. I eventually just gave up and didn't offer any mores suggestions.

My mind started to race at what I could have done to make him mad at me and if I was completely over him. I didn't like the attitude he seemed to be giving me, even before we even spoke. Did his vacation make him realize I wasn't important to him? Did he decide to do everything in his power to make me not like him anymore? I didn't know, but it had to end soon or I was out of there.

Afterwards we went into the woods to find a location for the video, Mikey and I started out far apart, but he gradually made his way back to me to tell me ideas he had for the video. I tried to act normal, because I didn't want to give the impression that I was angry with him. We came back inside, then sat at the dining table and cooled off. Justin and Nemo were playing videos on their laptop and most of the group were watching. I glanced over at Mikey and he was writing on a piece of paper, which he passed to me, and then we passed it back and forth. This is pretty much how that written conversation went.

Will you take me home?
Can we stop and get food?
Hmmm... what have you done today that deserves for me to get you food?
I worked for 3 hours on that script last night and worked hard today....please?

He then cheered, and the other guys looked at him like he was crazy, but then got back to the laptop. We took a few group pictures and then Mikey decided he was ready to go.

The car ride was quiet at first. But then he finally started talking about Dylan and how annoying he was while they were on vacation together. We carried on small talk until we got to the restaurant. The lady recognized us from the last time we were there (Dylan was hitting on her... so embarrassing). We got our food and then talked. All of my previous negative feelings towards him disappeared. It was like old times. He acts so much better when he's just around me. We joked around, talked about serious stuff, everything. Oh, and he apologized for seeming mean back at Justin's house, said he was just annoyed with all of them. I thought that was really sweet for him to bring that up, since it had been about 4 hours since we edited the script. I told him it was fine and I understood.

Afterwards I took him back home, and we sat in the driveway talking some more and planned to go prop shopping tomorrow. We set a time, but I told him to call me to make sure.

When I got home, I got a message from him saying he couldn't go tomorrow and his dad said he couldn't do anything with us all week. He said it was punishment for the way he was at the beach. I was pissed, and so was he. When the group found out they decided to do another video without him, which he wasn't too happy about but said it was fine cause there was nothing he could do. So that means another week (at least) without him. I thought this was over!!! It sucks because I wasn't expecting today to be our last day together. I want more time with him. His parents have put me through enough going on vacation for a week, and now they are taking him away from me again??

The only good thing that may come out of this is he might be online a lot this week. Now that he knows about Skype, I may convince him to download it even though he doesn't have a cam, so we can at least talk. I even considered buying him a webcam... but that may be too much. I don't really have too much money to spend right now.

Unless one of you wants to give me money to buy him a webcam....any takers? ;)


Friday, July 8, 2011


So I wanted to do this entry a little differently than normal. I was thinking a lot last night about my childhood and how my life used to be before all this bi/gay stuff became important. No, I don't mean just sexual experiences, but anything in general (playing with Hot Wheels cars in the yard, going exploring in the woods, or just playing pretend). So I decided to do this entry on it. (This was originally going to be titled "Experimentation" but decided not to since it will cover different things.

The earliest memory I have of anything that hinted to be what most consider "experimenting', was with my friend Jacob. He lived in my neighborhood right across the street and we were best friends for the majority of my growing up. We hung out almost every day, and rarely had any big arguments. He was 3 years older, but I didn't let that come in the way of our friendship.

I remember one time when I was about 8 or 9 we were playing in the woods along the road and hiding from cars. We tended to do this a lot, I'm not even sure why. It's not like we were doing anything to get in trouble. But I remember one day as we were laying behind a log, Jacob and I had the following conversation:

Jacob: Are you gay?
Me: What does that mean?
Jacob: You know... do you like boys?
Me: Oh. Umm...I don't know. Maybe, do you?
Jacob: Maybe.
That's as much of it I can remember, even when I try my hardest to remember what happened next, if anything at all. I would think if anything did happen, I would remember.

There were also other instances with Jacob where we would go behind my house and "do things". Again, I don't remember what, and I don't think there was any touching involved. I only remember one occasion where I dared him to stand behind the house completely naked. He told me not to look, but I did anyways, for 6 seconds. We also built a secret treehouse in the woods, but we never used it for anything besides talking.

Now Jacob is 21 and we haven't talked in over 6 years. I guess we just kind of lost interest in each other. Oh, and he's definitely straight. But I do wish we had actually done something more...err...erotic?

While I'm on the topic, there were also some other kids Jacob hung out with that i didn't like. They were all brothers or cousins or something. The youngest was about 7 and the oldest 16 (I was 11 at the time). I remember they did a lot of mean things, but i still hung out with them. There was this one point where we were at the creek and they tried to convince me to take my clothes off and get in. I didn't want to, so they called me names and then got in themselves. I didn't stick around long, but I did notice that some of them were playing with themselves and getting the youngest one to help them. I ran off crying because of the things they called me. If it would have been now, I would have sooooo stayed to watch and join in haha.

I guess the only real sex play I had was with this other neighborhood kid that i didn't become very close with until I was about 11. He was 2 years younger. We never did any of the normal hanging out stuff, just video games or whatever. But I do remember he came with us on vacation on several occasions when we took our RV. Every time my parents went to the beach alone they left us there. We would start out playing video games, which we alternated who's turn it was every hour. But sometimes, Caleb (the friend) would want an extra hour, so he would ask what he could do to make me let him play. Not a good question to ask an 11 year old with raging hormones just going through puberty. So I told him to let me watch him change out of his bathing suit. So he did so, right in front of me. For some reason, I went in for a hug, which he accepted. i held him tightly, and i could feel him get hard, and I was probably the hardest I had ever been in my life. (Note: I PROMISE this is the only time i will get sexual like this in my blog!) We tried to fall over onto the bed, but only caught the edge and then slowly fell over to the ground. I felt tingly all over, better than an orgasm. I can't explain the feeling other than it was pure Ecstasy (It is worth mentioning that to this day I have never experienced that same feeling). He told me that was enough, so i let him go, and he got his extra hour.

After the first time, it was hard to stop this "deal". Over time the tasks became more and more extravagant. I would have him get completely naked on the couch, and to let me give him the "good feeling". I'm not sure if I could cum at that point, but I definitely knew how to masturbate. He actually liked me doing it, and sometimes I would get him to do it to me until "white stuff came out". this continued for the next 2 or 3 years we went on vacation, but we also did it some at my house or his. I remember going into the woods when i had just turned 13 after I promised myself that I wouldn't do stuff like that with him anymore. We went to this place across the creek and he stripped completely nude. At this point he could ejaculate, but not really thick enough to be cum yet. I sometimes would put his dick in my mouth to catch it and swallow. This eventually led to sucking.

Caleb moved away when I was 15, which i wasn't too hurt by since we hadn't talked in about a year. And I never really grew attached to him, just our private time together. I never "liked" him or wanted to go out with him. Just liked playing with his body. I was such a player, haha. Oh and by the way, he never did anything more than jack me off. And that was only 2 or 3 times.

This all goes to say, I haven't really had much experience with "sex play" when I was younger, besides what I did with Caleb. i think if I had done that stuff with Jacob, I would have grown attached because I considered him my best friend. Caleb was just a friend who I occasionally played video games with and did some masturbating with.

Do any of you want to share your experiences with me? I added a contact form (you can click the link at the top). I feel like that would be less intimidating than writing an email if you didn't want to give away your identity. But you can always email me at

Sorry if that got a little too sexual. I was motivated by stories like that I've read online, plus i was getting a little turned on thinking about it. Trust me, I could have went into a lot more detail than that. But I'm not here to turn all of you on (sorry!).


PS: Mikey wanted me to Skype him last night (Dylan convinced him to use it). We only talked for 10 minutes but it was a relief to see he was okay. plus his lower resolution cam made him look even hotter than he is in person. He's coming home tomorrow! We we we so excited.

PPS: Sorry for the random capitalization errors you may find in this. I decided to do this on my laptop and sometimes the shift key doesn't register...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Tristan Talks: The Prequel

So I've spent all morning importing the entries from my old blog into this one. I didn't think it was possible to do it without them appearing to be posted on the day you import them, but actually they show as the original date.

I want to consider this new selection of entries the PREQUEL to Tristan Talks. I realize there are many typos and grammatical errors but try to overlook that. I was only 16 and was only writing to an audience of 2 or 3 regular readers.

You can read the first entry here:

The new "prequel" entries range from February, 2010 - November, 2010.

Here are a few explanations of my current situations with those mentioned. If you don't want any "spoilers" then I suggest you read the entries first.

Blake - I'm over him, WAY over him. He has changed a lot since his freshman year (he's soon to be a junior). He still looks good, not going to lie, but he is a pothead now and is constantly posting rap quotes about getting high on Facebook. I haven't chatted with him since class with him, but this past Christmas, the drama club was doing a gift wrapping at the mall and we ran into each other in the bathroom (which is interesting because that's where I had my first meeting with him at school, lol). We said hey to each other and that was about it. Other than that, we have had no contact.

Lilly - She is still a close friend of mine, and I do still have some interest in her, but she has a boyfriend now and is going overseas for an exchange year in Europe (jealous). She still acts a little shy around me, but I can't blame her because I'm the same way around her. I just wish we were closer.

Alejandro - He's even more of a flamer than he was back then. I have no interest in him at all. He has lost his cute factor, and has become really stuck up. He hangs out with all the preppy girls and puts on a fake attitude of being super gay. When anyone thinks of gay people at my school, they think of him. It's disgusting. No contact since previously mentioned besides comments on Facebook statuses.

Duncan - I lost interest in him over time because of his weirdness. I liked him because of it at first, but then he just proved to me that he wasn't gay but instead a huge video game nerd with 2 or 3 friends that he'd do anything for. We tried making videos together at one point but he'd rather do it with his other friends. We still talk (in fact he just messaged me today asking if I wanted to help with a project, I said yes but I'm beginning to regret my decision).

As you can see, although my attraction to Blake was VERY strong, but it was still nothing compared to Mikey. I said something along the lines of "true love can only come from distancing yourself from someone, and seeing Blake everyday, I will never reach that point with him". With Mikey, I don't see him every day, and I think that has caused my feelings for him to be stronger than anyone before.

So yeah, I hope you enjoy my past entries for what they are worth. I wanted to share them because I felt they deserved to be here since they are pretty much the same thing. You will notice I considered myself bisexual in the earlier ones, which slowly progressed to gay.

Also, I want to address a comment I received on my last entry.

Anonymous said...

That a boylover will stay with the same boy after he has passed the age of attraction and we live happily ever after is the Gold Ring of Boylove Lore. Don't fool yourself. It has never happened. If it has, I'd like to know about it. Loving boys is who we are. Yes, I can have feelings for someone older, even grow old together. But my life mate has to understand what I'm attracted to- that will never change. To think otherwise is leading a life of denial and dissatisfaction.

Maybe it was wrong for me to consider myself a boylover in the first place then. But please don't try to tell me that I would be fooling myself if I believed that my future with Mikey would continue after he gets older. Not everyone is the same. Gay, straight, boylover, whatever. You can't judge how my heart and mind works just because it has "never happened before". That's why I try to avoid labels, I am myself and I'm not trying to limit my feelings to a social classification.

Anyways, I have some ideas for daily entries until Mikey gets back. Hopefully my new prequel will keep you entertained until then.


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Tristan Answers #1

I haven't received as many questions as I would have liked, but I figured I had enough to go ahead and write the entry. On a side note, I tried sharing the blog on other boylover websites, and they weren't as receptive as I would have liked. Apparantly they think this blogging thing is too darn dangerous for me and I'm at a huge risk. I hope you (my regular readers) do not feel that way and see more than this "danger" they speak of in my posts.

But now to the questions:

Suppose Mikey comes back from the beach and says he's decided he's gay and wants to be in a relationship with you. What happens then? You'll soon be off to college. Would you try to make it work long-distance?
As if that would ever happen, haha. But yes, I think I would try to make it work. Especially while we are still together. But I think that I won't hold him to it once I go away. I will tell him to not feel like he has to stay true to me, but if he ever needs me I'm always here for him. And when I come back (breaks/summer) we can decide from there if we want to continue our relationship. I don't think I would be too hurt if he didn't want to because I'm happy that he has accepted himself.

What happens when Mikey ages out of your "age of attraction"? Will you have to end the relationship? What if he's not ready to end it at that point?
I think once I'm hooked on a person, I'm hooked for good. Even when I don't find them as physically attractive as I once did. For me it isn't all about physical attraction. The only issue is, that's the only thing separating me from being bi. Do I think that I will be as attracted to him as I once was? No. But at least I have that memory of him and hopefully by then we would have developed something much deeper.

Do you see yourself as needing to have a series of relationships with a series of boys?
 No. I am the type to be true to one person. Even know I feel bad about liking other boys other than Mikey. And I know that as I get older, relationships with the guys I find attractive will become harder and harder to come across. I do see myself in relationships with older guys, but that doesn't mean I'm still not attracted to younger ones. I just know that I will have reached a point where the likelihood and possible lawsuits of that would be impossible. But yes, I do plan on working with children in the future, but not as in "relationships".

At the end of a previous post you made, you wrote that the next post would be on "experimentation." But then the next post was about your coming out to Mikey, and apparently you either never got back to this intended topic, or thought better of it. Will you ever discuss this topic on your blog?
There is not a reason that I did not write on this topic. As mentioned, the next day was a huge milestone that I needed to record. After that I completely forgot about my idea on doing an entry based on that. Now that I think about it, I really wouldn't have much to write on that topic because I have very little experience with it. If I did, it would be about my views on it and how it affects (or doesn't affect) sexuality. But yes, I may decide to write on it some day.

What made you start the blog Tristan Talks?
As mentioned in other entries, this is not my first blog discussing the topic. I decided to start Tristan Talks because I wanted a fresh start, meaning I would be more descriptive, more personal, and more secure. I started blogging about my sexuality mainly for myself, and I would definitely recommend it, even if it is just in a personal journal. Getting it out in words instead of just your head is relaxing and helps take the pressure off. Plus, I wanted to find people I could relate to, who are going through the same things as me, and hopefully be of help to them in their dark times.

That is about it for the questions. I will do another one of these whenever I receive enough questions. I'm curious why I didn't receive any more this time. Is there a reason a lot of you didn't ask anything? If you are hesitant about emailing me, then please let me know and I will come up with other ways for you to submit questions. I want this to be a time where you can interact with me, because I feel doing so will help make this blog more relevant and personal with my readers.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Request: Reader Questions

Day 5 without Mikey. Surprisingly I'm surviving. Especially after he commented on one of my statuses joking about being pregnant saying to "stop with the gay stuff". That kind of made me mad a bit... okay a lot. Luckily my friends saw it and defended me. I feel that he kind of got what he deserved, but then again I hope h's not too upset about it for me not defending him. We will see if he ever brings it up.

I wanted to write a quick entry for something new I'm thinking of trying. I want to occasionally do a post answering you guys' questions. Either about my life, anything I post about, or things I don't post about. This ia chance for you to interact with me and ask those burning questions you've been dying to ask. Doesn't matter how personal, sexual, or disturbing they may be. Well, to an extent at least haha.

Please send your questions to I will not share your name or email when I do the entry, only the question you ask. Please send me some, even if you think they may not be good enough. I'd rather answer many simple questions than only one or two detailed ones.

Thanks, and I look forward to reading your questions!


Monday, July 4, 2011

Times Now Forgotten

I wasn't planning on writing an entry tonight, but thought it would be interesting to share with you pieces of emails I sent to a close online friend back when I was 15 where I discuss my sexuality. As far as I know, these are the earliest records of my sexuality, lol.

I admit, there was a short time that i questioned myself and God about being gay or not. I felt like I was but I really didn't know if that was for selfish reasons or something else. Then I realized the larger picture. I want to raise a family of my own. I like girls because they are compassionate, which a lot of guys lack. I saw that I could never see myself in a relationship with another guy. I never accepted the fact that i might be gay, and I'm glad I didn't. But yeah, i feel like physically, my attraction leads more to guys. Of course, no one in person knows that and never will know unless I really trusted them. I don't know why I feel this way but I mean, there is nothing I can do about it. I am still attracted to girls, but only to their face. I know it sounds weird but when I see boobs and stuff, it doesn't really "turn me on". I know that sounds really perverted, lol. However, when I see a guy or something at the beach with no shirt and a tight bathing suit or whatever, i find myself attracted to him. Now that's not saying I'd go out and molest him (EWW!) but it does make me realize that he is cute. I hope this doesn't gross you out or anything. I've been going through it for years but never really felt comfortable enough to share it with you until you shared what you did with me. If this does creep you out, let me know and ask any questions. No, i'm not gay or bi, I am straight.


When i said attracted to guys, i didnt mean only sexual. I mean just physically. Not comparing, but i do notice how cute they are in the face. I know that sounds weird, but I don't really see it as a bad thing that i can tell when both guys and girls are cute. Of course I'd never call a guy cute to his face, but to myself i think it. Now it may be a different story with a girl :) Still, it's nothing more than thoughts, i'd never get in a relationship or sexual relationship with a guy. Sexual relationship as in full blown out sex. I don't like the thought of that anyways. Most guys my age are always thinking about (or having) sex with girls, but personally, i don't really see it as anything i look forward to. The actual sex part that is. However, when i imagine stuff with guys it seems so much better than with a girl. I don't know why. Hey, at least I won't be have to worry about getting a girl pregnant if I don't want to do it anyways, haha. That can wait until marriage. Ok i'm grossing you out, my bad. Just trying to let you know that I am not just some weirdo-gay-whad or whatever. ;)


(This one is from when I was 16, a year later.)

I believe I have told you before, but not so plainly, that I have somewhat of a physical attraction to guys. That's something NO ONE in real life knows about but I trust you with it. It's something that I cannot control. It doesn't mean I am gay. I still have an emotional attraction to girls and look to them for relationships. But for me now, I do not have any sexual attraction to women. Maybe (and hopefully) that will change as I get older. But it's something that I don't think about nor worry about too much. I would be worried if I made the decision to not be attracted myself, but I have always been that way and I feel that is the way God has made me. My attraction to guys is nothing more than physical and I would never be open about it. The weird thing about it is, I have a very limited range of guys that I am attracted to. Mainly guys 12-15. I feel this range is broadening as I get older. It's not something I chose, it's the way I have always thought. I have talked with a friend about it online (he is much older) and he believes it is just an attraction to the innocence of boyhood as he calls it. He used to work with a lot of teens who have problems, whether they are from a divorced family, gay, bi, suicidal, etc. He believes it is something I will always have with me but it will weaken as I get older and my attraction will start to shift back to girls. I don't think I'm gay, and I don't want to be. That's why I'm hoping he is right. I don't want to live with no sexual attraction to my wife. Then I would feel like I am not being true to her. But then again if I do not get over it, I don't really know what will happen... That's why I try not to think about it too much and hopefully God will sort things out as I mature. Please don't think any differently about me because of this. Like I said before I believe I have hinted towards this but not came right out and said it. When I say the age range 12-15, this does not mean anything other than I am attracted to them physically. No, I'm not gonna be a child molester. I'd kill myself before I ever hurt a child.


So yeah, I found these interesting to look back on and maybe you will find them interesting as well. As you can see I was still questioning/denying my sexuality at that time, but that was because I was still largely influenced by my Christian background. Plus the guy I was sending them to was very religious.

Anyways, just an update for now. Mikey is coming back on the 9th, can't wait!

If you have something you want me to write about, send me an email to


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Love vs. Morality

I started to post this last night but was in a Skype call so kept getting distracted, sorry for the delay.

A lot has happened with Mikey over the past few days but I figured I would focus on the topic that would be most interesting to read about.

Over the last week or so there has been a lot of drama in our group, much of which I tried to avoid. Mikey and Dylan are going to the beach together from the 2nd - 9th. A few of the others wanted to work on a separate video while they were gone. I didn't have a problem with it, but when Mikey and Dylan found out about it they raised hell. A lot of arguing and swearing back and forth between all of them. Then it came to the point where Dylan called me and basically said he's kicking them out of the group and I had to chose a side, his and Mikey's, or theirs. Now remember, the others hadn't done or said anything to me to make me feel any hatred towards them. Actually I thought Mikey and Dylan were being really immature reacting like that. But when confronted with this question, I basically had two options:

1) Side with Mikey and Dylan
Doing so would cause an instant breakup of the group. Meaning no more videos, unless Mikey or Dylan wanted to. Ajnd lately they had been really off and on with keeping the group or not. The plus side would be I would gain more respect from Mikey and essentially grow closer to him because I chose him over the rest. This could result in more alone time with him and could eventually lead to more...

2) Side with the other 3 members of the group
Doing so would cause a strong negative reaction with Mikey and Dylan. They would cut off contact with me, at least for a while. I don't think it would be for very long though, knowing them and what I hope has caused Mikey to become somewhat attached to me. Like I said, the other members hadn't done anything to me, and all they wanted to do is start another video with Mikey and Dylan were on vacation, just to keep things moving. They weren't trying to exclude them from the group, like they took to be true. So it would go against my morals (fairness to all) to just be like "screw them" and side with Mikey.

So as you can see it was a very difficult situation, especially to be confronted on the spot by phone. There were a lot of long and awkward pauses on my end.

I ended up deciding not to take a side, but instead said "I help anyone with videos, I'm not taking sides because it would be unfair to the other guys to just ditch them after I told them I would help. I would obviously prefer to work with you and Mikey, but I'm not going to cut them off like you want me to do".

Soon after that I went to bed. I was feeling very uneasy about the whole situation. I didn't want Mikey to hate me for not siding with me, but I knew that I did the right thing.

The next day I hung out with my other friend. Mikey tried calling me at one point but I ignored it and messaged him on Facebook saying I would call him back later. Well I found out from Dylan (by text) that they had all made up and we were all one group again. WTF?? After all that drama the night before, you "made up"?? Whatever, I told them all the drama was unnecessary.

Later that night I went to Mikey's house for some one-on-one editing practice, but he spent most of the time making a "special" video for me called "Just Try It" using the song "I Kissed a Girl", haha. But I enjoyed our time together, we had a lot of interesting eye-contact moments, where we would look at each other without saying anything for a few seconds at a time. Is that a normal thing that people do when they like each other.

Since Mikey is at the beach for the rest of the week, be looking for more specific topics about issues. If you have any suggestions please email them to