Sunday, June 19, 2011

Spaces Between Us

It wouldn't be hard to figure out what my favorite movie was, as I have referenced it at least 3 times so far, haha.

Well, Mikey is back from his grandparents. He posted in our group on Facebook that he had forgotten about it. An exageration, yes. But it kind of showed he had lost interest in doing our video projects together. I messaged him saying that we should go to the movies and maybe lunch tomorrow but he responded that his friend was coming over. I said that he could come to or we could do it tonight, whatever works best for him. He responded "yeah".

He also later posted that we should "just forget about this whole video thing until next year and live our summer." Now, I'm sure he put the "next year" part in there just to upset me cause he knows I'm going off to college. He afterwards said he was just joking but I know him better than that.

Remember when I told you that his friend said that he seemed different after camp? Well I'm starting to see it now too. I've been waiting 2 weeks to be able to talk or see him again but the way he's acting it's almost as if he doesn't. Is it because I'm gay? He never had a problem with it before.

As you can tell, I'm really upset over this. Not just that, but I spent all day editing a video for another friend (who is paying me) and after sending him a 30 second sample he emailed me this HUGE list of changes I need to make, just of that preview.

I sometimes go through stages where I'm depressed, and this is one of them. I'm not normally the type that would be like this, and sadly, my crushes are the ones who bring me down the most. I want to be with him, even if it's just to the point we were at 3 weeks ago, I was beyond happy. I don't think he realizes how much what he does affects me. And I know, it shouldn't. And I've tried backing off before, but I've always come right back to him.

So this time, I'm going to create a distance between us as much as possible. I'm not going to initiate any messages or conversations any more. Not until he makes the first move. This is usually the phase I go through when I first start to like a guy, but I see things moved too quickly with this last one.

It hurts, a lot. Even without the idea of backing off, my heart is in pain. Is that a normal feeling? It's like a shortness of breath and a faster beating of the heart. It happens when I'm worried about what people think of me based on what I've done. I got the same feeling after an argument with one of my best friends. It happens more often with guys, especially Mikey, when they have a change of attitude or interest.

Honestly, I really feel like crying. But I feel bad that something so stupid can affect me this much. Is this what love feels like? Because if so I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I know my readership is down, and most people will not bother to read all the way through this, but if you happen to, please let me know what to do. Should I give Mikey the silent treatment? Or should I keep bugging him until he shows me that interest he once did?


PS: I feel a little better after typing this all out, but I still feel like crying. Someone hold me....(lol)


  1. Hey Tristian, I have been reading this blog of yours for about 2 months. I also am a gay male and am 30 yrs old. I like\love a straight guy I met at work. He is 24 but looks and acts younger. I have always been attracted to younger guys. All I can say is a friendship is better than nothing. If all u can be is Mickey's friend then go with that. At least that way u could see him and be in his life. That is what i do with the straight guy i like.