Indeed, I have recently turned 18. Most people look forward to their 18th birthday but honestly, I have been dreading it for the past 3 years. Sure, I can get into clubs and buy lottery tickets, but those things aren't important. Now I'm legally an adult, and that means my interaction with younger guys could cause serious ramifications.
Unfortunately, over the past 6 years my age of attraction to guys hasn't moved very much. When I was in 6th grade I had a crush on a 7th grader, and even now I still find some 7th graders cute. Although I guess I would say I'm more attracted to 8th-10th graders (12-15 years old). If I had found a guy closer to my age at the time I would have, but as I have said earlier I was in a private school where no one really talked about being gay (although I'd like to add that a lot of gay guys I know now went there as well). In 9th grade I really didn't have any guys I liked, and in 10th there was this one, but I didn't even know his name. Plus he was with this girl all the time so I assumed he was straight (although he may actually be gay, they are just best friends). Besides, I wasn't ready to be open at that age. But to be honest I was still craving a relationship. My 11th grade year, I was a little more open about my sexuality but still in questioning of it. I had 2 or 3 crushes throughout the year, but none of them were gay or anywhere close.
Then came 12th grade, the first year I was actually comfortable with my sexuality, but not comfortable enough to make it public to everyone. I had one very strong crush first semester on this guy named Duncan, but as he and I got closer I realized that he wasn't my type. And then came Mikey. If only I had met a guy like him when I was in 9th grade. But instead, we are 3 years apart. He recently turned 15 as well. Which really wouldn't have been a problem 30 years ago (minus the homo part), but in today's society everyone is so ignorant and intolerant when it comes to relationships.
Now I'm not suggesting that Mikey and I will ever be in one. Heck, he still claims to be straight. But just the fact that if word gets out about me liking him that I would be deemed a "sexual predator" in today's society.
I first learned this when word got out about our latest video, which was taken down from YouTube due to partial nudity. People around school have been asking if I was actually there when they did the nude scenes, and I willingly have said yes. But my friends don't find this as amusing as I do. Instead they question why I'm around a bunch of freshmen while they are in their underwear and that I'm too old for that.
DAMMIT I HATE THAT PHRASE. What determines "too old"? I really don't chose who I like, so why should society tell me it's wrong to love someone who is younger? And yes, I can honestly say that Mikey is the only guy I've ever been in love with.
So my purpose of this is... would it be wrong for me to share with you if Mikey and I ever did anything together? No I'm not gonna go out in full detail of everything that happens, but if maybe we were to kiss, or more, would that be an issue sharing here? Personally I don't see the problem with it. They say it can be used against me in the future, but I'm doing a good job so far at not letting anyone that I know find it. And if it somehow is discovered in the future, what can they do? "Sir, you posted 10 years ago that you and an underage child sucked each other off in his house. This is evidence that you are a child molester." Is it really? It's not like I'm on here posting child porn to prove to you I did it. Or is it the fact that you think I may be ashamed that people read this. No, I'm not. I would only be embarrassed if Mikey himself stumbled upon it. Only because I've been posting our private conversations and my thoughts about him. But ashamed of it in general? No. I'm speaking my mind. You guys don't have to read it if you feel it to be inappropriate. But I'm posting this so that you can know what I'm going though as I'm growing up. I honestly wish I had started sooner. I would enjoy looking back and seeing how my life has changed over the years.
Mikey is going off to camp for a week tomorrow and I am going to miss him terribly. When I told him that I would miss him he responded "stop being gay", but I took it to be his usual joking self. But in all honesty, I will miss him so much. I know, this has happened before, I become obsessed with a guy and don't like losing him, even for a short while. But with Mikey it's different. I love him, and he knows that I "liked" him. He said himself Friday while swimming at his house that I probably still like him, but I didn't respond cause his friend was there. And for a straight guy to still be friends with a guy who likes him... well that's something. He asked me if I thought he was gay, and I told him no but he might be a little curious. He responded "shut up Tristan" and laughed. I feel like I've mentioned this before so I'll end it there.
Let me know what you think about all this. Do you feel I should censor myself for the sake of my future?
"Legally a Pedophile"