Tuesday, June 28, 2011

EVEN GOODERnight

Parden my grammer ;)

I'm going to start this entry back at Sunday because these past 3 days have been pretty eventful.

Sunday:
Mikey messaged me on Facebook discussing props for the video, so we decided that we needed to go to a costume store about 30 minutes away. We were going to wait until Monday to do it but he wanted to go right then, so I couldn't refuse. I picked him up and we headed out. I got lost on the way, and really tense because I don't like the city traffic, but he seemed to understand and keep quiet. We finally arrived and looked around, trying on random things. I took a picture of him wearing this funny hat and after he took it he said "So now I know what you fantasize about". We found what we were looking for, but decided to go to the mall nearby since we were already there. We went in one of those prank stores, which used to double as a sex shop but they seemed to have toned it down since I was there last. I was a little disappointed because I wanted to mess around with Mikey by embarrassing him with the toys. But he still wanted to get out of there pretty quickly because of what was there. We headed for the food court, and as soon as we got in line, there was an announcement that the mall closed in 10 minutes. I was a little pissed because I wanted to walk around with him some more, but I guess we had a good time. He reminded me on the way out "This WAS NOT a date". I responded "Maybe not to you...". He slept the whole way back to his house.

Monday:
Mikey's friend Dylan texted and told me to come over at 2:30pm to work on the video, so I got my stuff together and headed out, We spent the entire day shooting the video, both at Mikey's house and around town. We had fun, but nothing special happened. Aside from the usual Dylan and I talking about how we think Mikey is secretly gay, of which he never denied but responded with "shut up!". At about 10pm we were done shooting, but Mikey wanted me to stay later and edit it there. So I called my mom and she let me stay. We had to go to my house to pick up my laptop first, which was interesting because I haven't brought a friend over in years. I just feel a little uncomfortable with friends at my house, I'd rather be at theirs. But anyways, after that we went to get something to eat, at which Mikey proceeded to embarrass me by overflowing his drink on the counter while Dylan flirted with the employee. I apologized for them. We went back to Mikey's house, where I edited the video with them watching. I was ready to go at 2:30, but Mikey convinced me to stay later, so I didn't leave until 3:30am. The latest I have ever stayed out. I guess I didn't really mind though.

Tuesday (Today):
Mikey and Dylan wanted me to come over ASAP and finish editing the video, so I again met them at 2:30 and immediately started working. I finally finished and decided to head home at 5:30 because I told my parents I would be home for supper.

One thing that I really wanted to mention... after spending 13 hours in one day with Mikey, my feelings for him sort of changed. But I'm not sure if it's permanently or not. After about 11pm he started to act really immature. Saying stupid stuff over and over again, rapping, and "accidentally" saying gay comments while freestyling because we thought it was funny the one time it was an accident. He acted...well....his age. But that's not what I like about him to begin with because I always thought he acted more mature. Dylan blamed it on his "midnight high", but I saw it as another side of his personality that I actually found annoying. This isn't to say I don't like him anymore, because I do. But my feelings for him emotionally aren't as strong as they used to be. I'm willing to give him a second chance though. Plus, I think that when he goes on vacation next week, my desire for him will spark back up again just like it was when he was at camp.

That's all for now, I hope that today wasn't the last time I will see him before he leaves. I need to come up with another excuse or "video idea".

-Tristan

Saturday, June 25, 2011

GOODnight

I was going to post this earlier today since it applies to last (Friday) night. I was having another lazy day, but was hoping Mikey might ask me to come over like he did on Thursday. Lucky enough, at about 4 he IMed me asking if I could come over to try and record again. I didn't expect much progress but it's not like I would turn him down. This time his friend Dylan would be there, and I had to pick him up before I went to Mikey's house. After getting him, he told me while he and Mikey were at the beach next week he would try to get Mikey his first real kiss by meeting girls. He said that Mikey didn't like this idea, which wouldn't surprise me because every time Dylan mentions something to do with meeting girls Mikey is always against it. Hmm...

Anyways, after spending about 2 hours recording the song, we started writing a script for another video but then decided to go swimming. Well I didn't, but they did. Mikey always lets Dylan borrow a swimsuit, which of course I couldn't fit anyways, but they never seem to ask if I want to. Anyways, I went outside to watch them swim, especially Mikey. Every time we are out there alone Mikey brings up me being gay. Today he and Dylan (Dylan is the only one of Mikey's friends that knows about me being gay) were asking what I liked about Mikey. Of course, I could tell you in detail what I like about him, but it's much harder when he's one of the ones asking you. I just kept responding "I don't know". At one point he said "I know it's not my dick because it's so small, so I don't know what you like about me". I told him it's not about that, and Dylan seemed to understand and said "Is it just his personality and looks in general". I said yes, nothing specific about him makes me like him.

After we moved on from that conversation (THANK GOD), Dylan and I proceeded to talk about Mikey when he went underwater. Dylan thinks Mikey is gay (they are best friends), but doesn't have anything specific to make him think that, he just does. He asked what I thought, and I said "I really don't know, if he is gay he's in denial with himself right now". Mikey finally caught on that we were talking about him and got out of the pool. Dylan went inside to get his phone.

So it was just Mikey and I standing there together...and what does he do? Take off his bathing suit right in front of me, stands there for about 3 seconds, then grabs a towel. My response..."Really??". Of course, he said he'll dry faster that way.

Now, when I first experienced this I took it to be one of his joking antics that he has done many times before, but the more I think about it, the timing of it wasn't just a coincidence. First, we had just finished discussing what I liked about his looks, and I said everything. Second, he did this when Dylan went inside. If he had done it while he were out there, it would have been done as a joke (Mikey always flashes his dick around Dylan because he thinks it's funny). But the fact he did it just in front of me, makes me think he was doing it for other reasons as well. Needless to say, I enjoyed it.

Later at night, we were sitting on the porch talking and Mikey kept grabbing his crotch and putting his hands in his pants, he caught me looking and said "stop looking at my dick Tristan". I took my own advice from the last entry and responded "I wouldn't be looking if you weren't constantly grabbing, touching, and playing with yourself like this" while I mimicked him with my hands in my pants. Dylan agreed with me and said Mikey always did that "because he has crabs" according to him. This little conversation didn't stop him from doing it either.

Even later in the night (about 12am), we were still on the porch but Mikey brought out his laptop. His dad had joined us on the porch and was discussing college and the job market and stuff. Mikey was obviously bored. I scooted my chair close beside his and he turned to me and said "gay". I scooted even closer but he didn't respond again. We watched videos, and after a while Dylan came to join us. Mikey turned the laptop so Dylan could see, which made me have to lean closer to Mikey to see it. I wasn't touching him, but very close. At one point I even said "turn it more my way, I feel like I'm all up on you". He did, but a few minutes later turned it back so I had to do it again. Yet again he didn't seem to mind.

His battery died around 1am so they decided they were going to bed (Dylan was spending the night) so I left. Overall, it was a great afternoon and night. Not as good as Thursday when I had alone time with Mikey, but still fun. Besides, 7 hours with the love of your life is sure to make any day great.

It's worth mentioning that about an hour ago I changed my Facebook relationship status to "Engaged" with a girl-friend of mine. I jokingly IMed Mikey and told him "Thanks for the interest, but I'm engaged now. I know you love me, but I just don't like you like that."

His response:

"Thank God."

-Tristan

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Alone

Today started out rather boring. Okay, I must say that the entire DAY was boring. I woke up at 11, and sat on the computer until about 5PM when I decided to go rent a movie. I hate summer days like this, with nothing to do but ponder why your life is so dull at times.

Everything changed at about 8pm though...

I received a text from Mikey's friend asking if I wanted to come over and record for the next video. Of course I said yes. So as I got my stuff together Mikey IMed me on Facebook and said his friend had to leave but just he and I could do it. EVEN BETTER.

So I got to his house and he helped me bring the stuff in from my car. I said hello to his mom and then we proceeded to set up in the dining room. He was rather quiet at first, but finally started to be his usual joking around self. So we started working on the video, but couldn't get past the first 2 lines of the song because his singing was so bad. Beautiful person, just not so beautiful voice. So after about 30 minutes he got frustrated and bored and decided to show me a YouTube video... which led to another... and another...... we stayed and watched videos together for hours. I didn't leave his house until 11:15. During that time a few interesting things happened.

While on Facebook, I mentioned that one of his friends was obsessed with him (I know the guy is gay, but he denied it before). But today he was like "I know.... but so are you". That kind of caught me off guard, but I decided to go along with it.

"I wouldn't say I'm obsessed..."
"Yeah yeah, that's why you've been asking me out so much lately"
"What??"
"The movies, the mall..."
"I wasn't..."
"Don't deny it" (He says as hes smiling)
"I still don't consider that asking you out"
"Whatever, I'm not gay Tristan"
"I never said you were"

Hmm... the whole time he seemed to be in a joking tone so I kept up with it. It kind of felt like I was flirting with him, which I've never done with ANYONE before. I jokingly said I stalk his Facebook all the time, and he was like "I know you do".

I don't know whether to be upset that he's caught onto everything I do, or be happy that he's not oblivious. Either way he never told me to stop.

We then started a quick discussion about this guy we know that "turned straight" at the youth camp he went to. I explained to him you can't be turned straight.

This discussion later continued on Facebook after I got home...

Mikey: gay gay gay

Me: cant help ittt

Mikey: Andy changed so can u

Me: andy didnt change

Mikey: yes he did

Me: he may have just decided to not be out about it anymore

Mikey: hes not gay anymore

Me: if he is actually gay, he will always like guys, but he may live a lifestyle where he gets married and has kids. you can be gay and christian, i am

Mikey: tristan it doesnt work that way

Me: why doesnt it?

Mikey: it just doesnt

Me: i dont get why u think someone would chose to be gay, its one of the most horrible things in the world to live with unless u learn to accept urself. At some point you have to start thinking about this for yourself and not what someone preaches to you. If God were to come down today and tell me to my face "you cant get to heaven because you're gay" i would beg him to change me then because i cant do so myself, the best i could do is live a lie

Mikey: ok

Me: okay is all u have to say? lol
if ur gonna debate me if rather u at least make an effort

Mikey: i dont feel like de bating with u right now im tired

Me: well one day, im up for it lol
and ur gonna loooose

Mikey: sike

Anyways, as I was leaving his house he was like "I know your expecting something from me right now, but I'm not gay so.... bye!". I was confused at first, but then realized he meant like a goodbye kiss, so I responded "aww, maybe next time". He then flipped me off and went inside laughing.

So even though the day started out HORRIBLY boring, it had a great ending, all because of him. He jokingly said we should try working on the video again tomorrow (as if we would make any more progress). I dismissed it, but think I will bring it up again to him tomorrow. I really enjoy spending alone time with him, it's so much better. Plus I don't have to worry about getting caught staring. Although he did catch me looking at his crotch today, but it's not like I could help it cause he was scratching, adjusting, playing with it like every 3 seconds. He wasn't weirded out by it though, he just called me gay. I should have said "You're the one jacking off in front of me!" but didn't. I think I'll mention something along the lines of that next time to see how he reacts.

Until next time,
Tristan

(Feel free to respond to this entry either in a comment below or by an email to me at TristanTalks@gmail.com)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Improvement

Feeling MUCH better today. Well, more-so yesterday.

I texted Mikey's friend pretty early and asked if he were still interested in going to the movies (I knew he was with Mikey), but he said he didn't have any money. I said I would cover snacks and stuff and then he said okay. I was excited. I get to see Mikey after 2 weeks. We planned a time and I started to get ready, but then I got a text from him saying Mikey had to stay home and watch his sister....

I was a little pissed, but in a way I half expected it. So I went on with my day, being bored. I made a trip to the bank just to pass time.

Then at 8:45, Mikey posted in our Facebook group "Halo 4". Me, seeking any interaction with him at all, responded "?". He then said he and his friend were going to see Super 8. Okay, then I was REALLY pissed. But I decided not to show it because I figured that was what he wanted, so I simply responded "have fun...". Luckily, afterwards he said I could meet them there. THANK GOD.

But all of a sudden, I had a sense of doubt. Something made me feel like I was being set up, and they weren't actually going. On the drive there I kept pondering ways I would cover myself if it were. I even thought about texting another friend and having them pretend to have gone with me so I could say something like "Being set up doesn't work when you expect it to be one in the first place. Had a great time at the movies with (friend's name here)." As I was pulling into the theater, I saw Mikey and his friend walking. PHEW! I parked and then called his friend and found out where they were. They told me to meet them at my car (after I had left) but I decided to meet them half way. Then they demanded I take them to Taco Bell. So I did. 15 minutes before the movie started. I bought their meal but they had to share. Mikey seemed normal at the time...

Then on the car ride back to the theater he brought up things he learned at camp. Something along the lines of "homosexuality is a sin people are born with that they have to overcome". We had a whole argument over this, and I thought of better points to make afterwards, but I basically said "It's up to each person to decide what they consider a sin, the Bible doesn't say anything against homosexuality directly". This discussion continued into the theater up until the movie started. He claimed that the sins he has to overcome are "anger and masturbation", haha.

I had a good time with them in the movie, although I think I spent more time watching Mikey than the movie. It was funny because every time there was a jump scare he would REALLY jump. And it was definitely real too, haha. He said he hated scary movies. In the middle of the movie he asked "is it illegal to masturbate in a theater?". I wanted to respond "not if no one finds out about it" but his friend answered first with the whole "public nudity". Darn it! Haha, but I did see Mikey grabbing himself a lot during the movie and sticking his hand up the leg of his shorts. He kept looking at me as well. Hmm...

I guess I have pretty much scrapped my plan of ignoring him. He's so irresistible. I didn't think I would like his new shorter haircut but I do. It makes him look younger and highlights his perfect face more. After the movie his mom picked him up, but not before I walked him to my car and made out with him.... wait that didn't happen. Actually I made him clean up the mess he left. But it was alone time and I liked it.

We were supposed to meet today to work on another video but everyone had too many conflicts. Tomorrow is out too because he is going to an amusement park with his friend. But yesterday was an experience that will last a while. That is, until I get another chance to be with him alone.

-------------------------

In other news, I have been trying to improve the website. I'm working on setting up a chat room where I will visit occasionally and chat with you guys, as well as MAYBE do voice chats in the future maybe once a week or so. Would you guys want that? It's kind of like a broadcast, but no camera, just voice, and you guys can type and ask questions and stuff. If so, what would be the best time of day for me to do that? I know you all come from different parts of the world, but what time (Eastern Standard Time) would you be able to come and watch....err listen?

I also made an email address where you can contact me personally at TristanTalks@gmail.com . I'll try to respond as often as possible but I'd rather answer your questions in a blog entry. So if you don't hear back from me be looking for a blog post where I give an answer.

If you can think of any more ideas and ways for me to improve the site, let me know.

-Tristan

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Spaces Between Us

It wouldn't be hard to figure out what my favorite movie was, as I have referenced it at least 3 times so far, haha.

Well, Mikey is back from his grandparents. He posted in our group on Facebook that he had forgotten about it. An exageration, yes. But it kind of showed he had lost interest in doing our video projects together. I messaged him saying that we should go to the movies and maybe lunch tomorrow but he responded that his friend was coming over. I said that he could come to or we could do it tonight, whatever works best for him. He responded "yeah".

He also later posted that we should "just forget about this whole video thing until next year and live our summer." Now, I'm sure he put the "next year" part in there just to upset me cause he knows I'm going off to college. He afterwards said he was just joking but I know him better than that.

Remember when I told you that his friend said that he seemed different after camp? Well I'm starting to see it now too. I've been waiting 2 weeks to be able to talk or see him again but the way he's acting it's almost as if he doesn't. Is it because I'm gay? He never had a problem with it before.

As you can tell, I'm really upset over this. Not just that, but I spent all day editing a video for another friend (who is paying me) and after sending him a 30 second sample he emailed me this HUGE list of changes I need to make, just of that preview.

I sometimes go through stages where I'm depressed, and this is one of them. I'm not normally the type that would be like this, and sadly, my crushes are the ones who bring me down the most. I want to be with him, even if it's just to the point we were at 3 weeks ago, I was beyond happy. I don't think he realizes how much what he does affects me. And I know, it shouldn't. And I've tried backing off before, but I've always come right back to him.

So this time, I'm going to create a distance between us as much as possible. I'm not going to initiate any messages or conversations any more. Not until he makes the first move. This is usually the phase I go through when I first start to like a guy, but I see things moved too quickly with this last one.

It hurts, a lot. Even without the idea of backing off, my heart is in pain. Is that a normal feeling? It's like a shortness of breath and a faster beating of the heart. It happens when I'm worried about what people think of me based on what I've done. I got the same feeling after an argument with one of my best friends. It happens more often with guys, especially Mikey, when they have a change of attitude or interest.

Honestly, I really feel like crying. But I feel bad that something so stupid can affect me this much. Is this what love feels like? Because if so I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I know my readership is down, and most people will not bother to read all the way through this, but if you happen to, please let me know what to do. Should I give Mikey the silent treatment? Or should I keep bugging him until he shows me that interest he once did?

-Tristan

PS: I feel a little better after typing this all out, but I still feel like crying. Someone hold me....(lol)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Write to Save Yourself

“Write to save yourself, and someday you’ll write because you’ve been saved.”

Interesting quote from a movie I just watched called "Fugitive Pieces". Thinking back, I wish I had done a better job of Chronicling my life in years past. I would love to go back and read what I had experienced and thought in my younger years, but I never had the initiative to write. It wasn't until December, 2006 that I began blogging my life. But even then I kept out personal details and thoughts that were non-traditional. Heck, my first blog post was about taking back one of my brother's Christmas presents and exchanging it... yeah. I'll have to read through the entries sometime to see if there is anything worth sharing that might have given details into my interest of guys I guess I was 13 when I first started writing regularly, but it wasn't consistent, stopped for a few years and so on.

I did however find an old blog post on my other blog I had about being bisexual which I thought I was at the time that I posted the day after I first saw Mikey. I described him as 3 times cuter than my previous crush. I first saw him at a drama club meeting, and the fact that he was into drama made him so much more interesting. I said I'd love to get cast in a play with him, then I'd get to talk to him and learn his name. I ended with declaring how cute he was and that I NEEDED to see him again. I wrote that in August of last year. The reason I don't connect the two blogs is because back then I wasn't being entirely honest with every detail, now I am (as much as possible). Plus I feel I have improved as a writer since then.

Anyways, Mikey came home Sunday but immediately went out of town to stay with his grandma. I only got to chat with him for a little bit but he claimed last week was "the best week of my life". Whatever that means. Oh, and I also should mention that his best friend talked to him on the phone and later told me that something was different about him, he couldn't really determine what, but he said he seemed more short spoken and aggressive than usual. Hmm.... it makes me wonder what REALLY happened at camp. Could one week really change how someone acts with people they have known for years? I know one things for sure, it better not change how he is with me. Unless it's for the better.

That's about all the details I have now, I'll tell you more when I figure anything out.

-Tristan

Friday, June 10, 2011

I Will Protect You

I wanted to continue the theme from my "Legality of Love" post, but center it more on Mikey than myself.

Although this blog is new, I am not new to blogging. I have had several before, both personal and professional. I have learned what I can and cannot post. My first blog was a public chronicle of my life that I began writing in 7th grade. Many of my classmates read it and would comment about it the next day in school. I learned that there were some things that I should leave out because of how others reacted. I stayed away from gossip or personal issues involving others because I didn't want to bring anyone into it. Of course, I did not blog about relationships, as I was still discovering myself at that time.

I started Tristan Talks as a blog where I could "anonymously" (in a way) blog about my deepest feelings without it interfering with my real life. None of my real-life friends know about it, and I intend to keep it that way. If I ever got the hint that my work was being leaked to those in my life I am a few clicks away from taking it all offline. Not that I am embarrassed or untruthful, but I write things here that I would NEVER admit to publicly.

Which brings me to my main point, Mikey. I value his safety more than anything. I would NEVER do anything to expose him. Everything I write is truthful about him, but I leave out certain details that could even possibly trigger any kind of attack against him personally. I would also be devastated if he ever found out about Tristan Talks or anything I've ever said here. I write to entertain you guys and chronicle my life as it comes at me, not to be a "letter" to him about what I want to happen. Again, if anything even threatened to reveal all I have said about him to him I would be forced to take the entire blog down. I care about him too much to do that much emotional damage to him knowing that I told the world about everything that has happened between us.

I also wanted to rethink something I posted the other day. I made the overly-selfish statement that I hoped Mikey was miserable at camp. The more I thought about it, the more I hated myself for it. I said it because I wanted to comfort him when he got back, but that is sooo self-centered. Instead, I do hope he has a good time. I guess what I really meant is I don't want him to make any strong friendships that could threaten what we have. There is a guy at camp that he talks about often, and he even jokingly calls him his "boyfriend" on Facebook. I just don't like knowing that they are together for a week. Who knows what could happen. BTW, this guy is my age. It's not that I really want him all to myself, I just don't want anyone or anything that will cause me to lose him and for him to be more interested in than myself.

As you can see, I only want the best for Mikey. But I also want myself to be a part of that. The only thing I wouldn't be willing to do for him is to let him go. If that makes sense.

I'm too involved now... you jump, I jump remember?

-Tristan

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Missing You, Missing You

Well, it's the end of my third day without Mikey, and it's not getting this better. As you've probably noticed, I tend to get VERY attached to the guys I like. Well, even moreso with Mikey because he has been so responsive to me. He's off on a week long youth camp and won't be back until Sunday. Every night before bed I think of what he might be doing and if he thought about me at any time during the day.

I hate to admit this, but I also am hoping he is lonely at camp and being ignored. That sounds like a HORRIBLE thing to say, but I guess I'm just jealous and don't want any guy to take my place, you know? I think I've shown him the most attention out of any of his friends, and I know that he likes that. I just don't want him getting that from anywhere else. Well besides his parents of course.

I know I'll probably never have him to myself like I want, but it's nice to wish. I plan to text him a day or 2 after he gets home and ask if he wants to hang out and talk about how camp went. I want to hear everything, even the stuff he probably promised not to tell anyone. There aren't any gay guys going, but there are lots of slutty girls. I'm really hoping he's smarter than that, and gayer than that too. He's a virgin, and I want him to stay that way... for now. What's surprising is that all his other friends are constantly getting involved with girls sexually, yet he refuses. He's had many opportunities, but turned them down.

I just think he's saving it for me ;)

That's all I have to update you on now. Thanks for all the comments on my last entry.

-Tristan Skyler

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Legality of Love

So I've been dreading doing this update forever, but after it was addressed in a comment on my latest entry I figured now would be a good time.

Indeed, I have recently turned 18. Most people look forward to their 18th birthday but honestly, I have been dreading it for the past 3 years. Sure, I can get into clubs and buy lottery tickets, but those things aren't important. Now I'm legally an adult, and that means my interaction with younger guys could cause serious ramifications.

Unfortunately, over the past 6 years my age of attraction to guys hasn't moved very much. When I was in 6th grade I had a crush on a 7th grader, and even now I still find some 7th graders cute. Although I guess I would say I'm more attracted to 8th-10th graders (12-15 years old). If I had found a guy closer to my age at the time I would have, but as I have said earlier I was in a private school where no one really talked about being gay (although I'd like to add that a lot of gay guys I know now went there as well). In 9th grade I really didn't have any guys I liked, and in 10th there was this one, but I didn't even know his name. Plus he was with this girl all the time so I assumed he was straight (although he may actually be gay, they are just best friends). Besides, I wasn't ready to be open at that age. But to be honest I was still craving a relationship. My 11th grade year, I was a little more open about my sexuality but still in questioning of it. I had 2 or 3 crushes throughout the year, but none of them were gay or anywhere close.

Then came 12th grade, the first year I was actually comfortable with my sexuality, but not comfortable enough to make it public to everyone. I had one very strong crush first semester on this guy named Duncan, but as he and I got closer I realized that he wasn't my type. And then came Mikey. If only I had met a guy like him when I was in 9th grade. But instead, we are 3 years apart. He recently turned 15 as well. Which really wouldn't have been a problem 30 years ago (minus the homo part), but in today's society everyone is so ignorant and intolerant when it comes to relationships.

Now I'm not suggesting that Mikey and I will ever be in one. Heck, he still claims to be straight. But just the fact that if word gets out about me liking him that I would be deemed a "sexual predator" in today's society.

I first learned this when word got out about our latest video, which was taken down from YouTube due to partial nudity. People around school have been asking if I was actually there when they did the nude scenes, and I willingly have said yes. But my friends don't find this as amusing as I do. Instead they question why I'm around a bunch of freshmen while they are in their underwear and that I'm too old for that.

DAMMIT I HATE THAT PHRASE. What determines "too old"? I really don't chose who I like, so why should society tell me it's wrong to love someone who is younger? And yes, I can honestly say that Mikey is the only guy I've ever been in love with.

So my purpose of this is... would it be wrong for me to share with you if Mikey and I ever did anything together? No I'm not gonna go out in full detail of everything that happens, but if maybe we were to kiss, or more, would that be an issue sharing here? Personally I don't see the problem with it. They say it can be used against me in the future, but I'm doing a good job so far at not letting anyone that I know find it. And if it somehow is discovered in the future, what can they do? "Sir, you posted 10 years ago that you and an underage child sucked each other off in his house. This is evidence that you are a child molester." Is it really? It's not like I'm on here posting child porn to prove to you I did it. Or is it the fact that you think I may be ashamed that people read this. No, I'm not. I would only be embarrassed if Mikey himself stumbled upon it. Only because I've been posting our private conversations and my thoughts about him. But ashamed of it in general? No. I'm speaking my mind. You guys don't have to read it if you feel it to be inappropriate. But I'm posting this so that you can know what I'm going though as I'm growing up. I honestly wish I had started sooner. I would enjoy looking back and seeing how my life has changed over the years.

Mikey is going off to camp for a week tomorrow and I am going to miss him terribly. When I told him that I would miss him he responded "stop being gay", but I took it to be his usual joking self. But in all honesty, I will miss him so much. I know, this has happened before, I become obsessed with a guy and don't like losing him, even for a short while. But with Mikey it's different. I love him, and he knows that I "liked" him. He said himself Friday while swimming at his house that I probably still like him, but I didn't respond cause his friend was there. And for a straight guy to still be friends with a guy who likes him... well that's something. He asked me if I thought he was gay, and I told him no but he might be a little curious. He responded "shut up Tristan" and laughed. I feel like I've mentioned this before so I'll end it there.

Let me know what you think about all this. Do you feel I should censor myself for the sake of my future?

-Tristan
"Legally a Pedophile"