Saturday, April 30, 2011

Prom Day

Hey,

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I went to the beach last weekend and haven't really had much update-worthy events going on so I decided to wait a while until something came up.

On vacation with my family, I found time to walk around the main city part of the beach by myself, giving me the chance to stare at soooo many hot guys! I mean, it's not that I can't look when my parents are around, it just feels more awkward. I didn't talk to any though, sadly. However there was this one incident when I was in one of those junk stores and I saw this really cute guy standing around. I don't really know the best way to describe him. He had similar facial features to Cole Sprouse when he was younger and brown hair. He was about 14-16. Anyways, I made eye contact with him when I walked in. When he saw me looking I looked away and began to look at the clothes. I turned around and saw him walking in my direction "shopping" too. I continued to walk, and he continued to follow, even when I made turns around the aisles and displays. I stopped to "look" at something, and he came pretty close to me and we made eye contact again. But then he turned around the corner. He looked as if he were about to say something but then chickened out. I can't blame him though, I wanted to say "Hi" so badly. I continued to wander around and kept him in my site, but he eventually walked out with his dad. Oh well... I guess I missed out on an opportunity. That tends to happen a lot.

Good news (sorta) from Mikey. I messaged him on Facebook Tuesday apologizing for if I had said something that weirded him out (asking to hang out over spring break). He responded Wednesday afternoon saying he never got that text and his computer had broke. I'm not sure how much I believe that, but whatever. It's not like I only sent one text, I sent 3. Oh well, it's better than nothing from him at all. At least he isn't mad at me.

Tonight is prom, and I'm going with friends. I'm not expecting anything super interesting to happen guy-wise (my friends that I'm going with are all girls), but you never know. I'll give you an update soon letting you know.

Oh, and I have been getting messages from people saying that I'm a 40-year-old pedo. If you don't believe that I'm really 17, why even bother reading?

-Tristan

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Rehab

I said no, no, no.

Okay, another day without Mikey but to be honest, I kept my mind busy with other things. I think I'm finally getting over him. Until he messages me that is. I figured there's no point in being upset about someone who is probably straight anyways. While I still consider him the most beautiful guy I've ever met, if he doesn't show any interest in me there is no point.

Meanwhile, I think I discovered who my biggest celebrity crush is today. It used to be Cole Sprouse, but then I discovered Jeremy Sumpter.

I first saw him in Peter Pan (2003) a few months back, and while I thought he was cute, I didn't take the time to look him up. Tonight I watched the movie Frailty (2001) and when I saw the youngest boy (Adam) I thought "Wow, he is adorable". I looked him up and realized he played Peter Pan as well. Here are a few pics.



Okay, not a pic but a cute video of his personality. His part is the last half but the whole thing is worth watching.


This is him in Peter Pan. Gorgeous.

Here are older pics of him. I would guess around 15-17 here. Definitely his prime. Most amazing eyes ever. Very similar to Mikey's. Actually, if you look at the first pic from a distance it looks just like Mikey, just to give you an idea of how he looks. But Mikey has brown hair, a little bit chubbier face, and darker green eyes.



And this is him around 21 years old. DAMN! I say I don't like guys over 17, but he's an exception. He just needs to shave that nasty beard.

ANYWAYS, my family is going to the beach this weekend so I may not have another update until Sunday. Hopefully I'll have some Mikey contact before then.

Thanks for reading,
Tristan S.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm Addicted

It takes losing something to make you realize you were addicted to it. This is day 3 with no word from Mikey. I'm beginning to miss him, really badly. I texted him for a third time this afternoon, but still no response. I know I said I wouldn't worry myself over him any more, but it makes it so much harder with it being Spring Break and having plenty of time for my mind to wander. Is he ignoring me? Did asking to hang out push the limits to the point where he backed out of it all. Or maybe he really is just busy or something. I know he sad he was planning to spend the week at an amusement park nearby but that doesn't mean 24/7. And he has to have his phone on him.

It's just upsetting me a lot now. And I know how stupid that must seem, barely knowing this boy a month and not being able to get him off your mind. But I can't help it. He's perfect, even if he's straight. I'm happy being friends, but I just REALLY want something from him.

Oh, here's a random thing that happened last week. I see Mikey walking by the window during my 3rd block class every day. I've gotten into the habit to where I stare out the window when he goes too and from lunch. He never can see me though, and I like it that way. Sometimes he's walking by himself, other times he's with a big group of friends. Anyways, I was doing my usual staring and then the teacher was like "Tristan, stop staring at them, they are too young for you". I know she meant this jokingly, but I took it to heart. That's what everyone tells me. He's 14, 15 in a month. Just because I'll be 18 in a month doesn't mean he's too young. 3 years, big deal. My grandparents were like 7 years apart. I just get sick of everyone telling me he's too young for me and my friends jokingly calling me a pedophile. I hate that word. It's not my fault that I like what I like, and I don't like having a term defined as a mental disorder placed over my head.

I like younger boys, BIG DEAL.

I'm not sure whether I'll update tomorrow, depends if any ideas come to mind or (hopefully) Mikey decides to text or Facebook me.

Hi, I'm Tristan. And I'm a Mikey-holic.
HI TRISTAN.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Nobody's Perfect (Except Mikey)

Yeah, I know, I know. I said I would post Friday but I didn't have time. Shoot me. No please don't, cause then I won't be able to see how things will go with Mikey.

Thursday night I posted an update soon after the entry. I discovered that it was my fault that Mikey hadn't replied because well... he did. But stupid Facebook didn't alert me.

Anyways, Friday was pretty normal. I still didn't text Mikey though. I planned to wait for him to text me first. I went to the school talent show with my friend. There were only about 25 other people in the audience... including Mikey. I tried to pretend like I didn't see him though. Mainly because I felt awkward knowing that he knew so much about me, plus my friend knew that I liked him and I didn't want her to see him.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking in my direction, and at one point I think he even called my name, but I wasn't sure so I didn't look. Then, my friend decided to ditch me half way through the show to have dinner with her ex-boyfriend (long story, not worth my time). This made the situation even weirder. There I was, sitting alone like a loser, with Mikey in the far left section of the Auditorium. When the show was over I went up and congratulated my friend (who is his best friend) that was in it. I conveniently waited until Mikey was done before I went to him. And I made eye contact with Mikey once right before I left. Neither of us said anything though. I'm assuming it was just as awkward for him since he now knew I was gay.

Later that night after I got home, he texted me that he saw me there. We talked a little about the acts and then he said he was watching a movie. I told him to text me when it was over, but that never happened.

This morning I was woken by my phone receiving a text. It was Mikey, apologizing for falling asleep. I went back to sleep and responded around 11am. We texted back and forth about 4 times but that was it for the day. I sent one saying "We should hang out sometime during spring break". He never responded. I'm not too upset though. Last time I got that way it was pointless.

I will probably text him tomorrow, just to see if he will respond.

I'm addicted to him, I know. I can't think straight because he keeps crossing my mind. I hate getting this obsessive over boys but I can't help it. I become their ultimate fan during times like this.

I'll keep ya updated.
Tristan

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Mikey Knows All

Wow, it's been 4 days since I last updated and so much has happened!

In trhe past few days I have been texting Mikey very often. And we have discussed some... well you'll see.

Monday: I had rehearsal with the community theater and told Mikey I'd text him when I got home. On the way there my phone started ringing and I saw it was him. I freaked out for a minute and then decided to answer. I could hear a conversation in the background with him and what sounded like a girl. Somehow he must have accidentally called me. Anyways, after rehearsal I told him what happened and he was like "oh... did you hear my conversation?" so I told him no but I heard his and a girl's voice and jokingly said "your girlfriend? ;)". He then said "There weren't any girls" then I responded "boyfriend? lol jk". Perfect moment. He said no and that got us into a long deep discussion about gays. He seemed really interested, especially in who at our school was. Then came the moment of truth...

Mikey: Who else is gay?
Me: Hmm, trying to think of others you would know. Well, I guess you can kind of count me."
Mikey: What do u mean?
Me: Well... it's not something I'm entirely open about (only a few people know). But yea... I hope that doesn't make you think badly of me."
Mikey: So u are gay
Mikey: No I dont at all
Me: Well, I don't like labels. But yea, I'm attracted to guys. Always have been since I was like 12. I've never dated a guy or anything tho.
Mikey: im not labeling you I mean I don't care I don't think differently of u.

Anyways, it went on from there. WOW! I'm sooo happy he doesn't think differently. We went on to talk about what being gay is like. Again, he seemed very interested. But he said 3 times that he wasnt gay and wasn't into guys. Yeah I know, it sucks. But I'm not giving up yet. Just his mere interest in it makes me think he's at least a little sexually curious as well. Who knows...

Tuesday: More texting. This time he was interested in what type of guys I liked. Uhoh.... that's a hard question when you are talking to the person you think is the most beautiful boy you've ever laid eyes on. So I was very broad with my description. Brown or blonde hair, blue or green eyes, nice looking skin, younger. Then he asked "chubby or skinny?" So I said about average (that's what he is). Anyways, I think he caught on that I was describing him so he started sending really short messages so I changed the subject to him. He said he's not much of a ladies man and no girls like him. I told him that couldn't be true, he's very likable. He told me he likes girls with "skinny but not sticks gotta have a donk good size boobs blonde very hot". Yeah, exactly like that lol. He then had to go to bed and I told him if there was anything he wanted to talk about at all he could trust me. He responded "okay, I might text you about something tomorrow". I wasn't sure if he was just speaking in general or something specific.

Wednesday: No text. I was getting nervous. I stalked Facebook for hours (while doing other things) and saw him come on. I brought up his chat box just to see if he went offline or whatever. About 15 min passed and I looked and saw he was typing a message. YAY! He said he left his phone in someone's car. We began to talk about hobbies and stuff and he said he had a similar one to me and I offered to help him sometime. He had to go though, so I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow.

Thursday (Today): I texted him right after school to see if he got his phone back. No response. So at about 8pm tonight I messaged him on Facebook and asked if he got his phone back. He responded "yea it's just off" (first possible clue I didn't pick up on). We talked for a VERY short time before he stopped responding, yet he was still online. So I sent him another message about 20 minutes later and he responded with a "yea" (second hint). I proceeded with asking if he had anyone he liked at the moment. No response....SHIT. He always says bye. Something is wrong, very wrong. Did I do something to make him mad? I don't want this to be over. I really love him, and I don't use that term loosely. PLEASE just let him have been busy.

I have resorted to not messaging, texting, or IMing him first from now on. Let him make the first effort. I don't want to annoy him so much that he stops talking to me all together.

I'll try to update tomorrow of anything (or nothing) happens just so you can know what's up. I really don't want to lose him. Not after all this...

Anxiously,
Tristan

-------------------
****UPDATE****
DAMN IT! He did respond to my last message. Even though it was just a "no", it was something. I just sent "Oops, sorry didn't see you responded until now. Oh well, talk to you tomorrow maybe. Text/message/IM me whenever you want." Oh well.... it's my fault. Not his. Goodnight....

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Pornography or Curiosity?

At what point does looking at pictures of naked people switch from general curiosity to pornography?

I've been interested in the same age group of boys since I was 12 or 13. At the time, I visited a lot of boylove sites (Yes, in case you didn't know, young guys actually look at those too. I did anyways...). I enjoyed looking at pictures of boys my age, especially their "privates". I guess it was sort of for comparison at the time. I did come across some of the illegal kind of pictures but it scared me enough that I didn't look at that for quite some time. Not by the content, but by the fact that if I were caught I would be in big trouble. I remember looking at several "boys art sites" as they were called with nude pictures of boys (nonsexual) and found those very arousing. I remember when I was 12 my mom caught me looking at one once. She didn't say much except for "that's something your father would do". I'm assuming she meant the porn part... not the fact that it was boys. Hopefully, lol. I don't think she saw enough of it to actually realize what I was looking at. I almost got caught several times actually. I would always quickly turn my computer off and use the excuse of it freezing. Yeah right, she knew. Anyways, at the age of 14 or 15 I began to explore deeper into sites and eventually stumbled upon the not-so-innocent kind. Again, it scared me, but I couldn't help looking. It was very exciting at the time to see boys my age and younger doing sexual stuff together. The ones with older men in them disgusted me though, and couldn't imagine that boys were forced to do some of those things.

As I got older, I realized that this was a real problem and could cause serious legal ramifications when I became an adult. Now, I stick to mostly nonnude models to get my "pleasure". Even though I'm still a minor, I worry about what I will be like when I'm 18 and in college. I defintiely can't be looking at stuff like that. I'd rather not risk getting kicked out of school. Sadly, regular gay porn doesn't interest me at all unless the guys look really young. And that's a rarity because even with the makeup and photoshop work, their bodies no longer look like kids or young teens. It's not that I'm grossed out by it, I'm not. It's just that mentally I'd rather see younger guys experimenting.

I fear I may have gone into too much detail in this post. Please don't think of me in a bad way. I'd never do anything to force a boy to have sex with me. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying that younger boys are my preference, but I know in today's society that is taboo and to see any of that is illegal.

My next entry will be on experimentation. I'm going to really open up to you, and hopefully not regret it.
---------------

In other news, you may have noticed I added a picture to my profile. Yes, it's really me. It's from about a year and a half ago, and I did a lot of editing to make myself look at least a little attractive, even though I know I'm not.




Oh, another hobby of mine: photoshopping boys to look even cuter. So if you have any pictures you want me to edit for you let me know. I can make any boy look beautiful. I hope to get an email set up for this blog very soon but for now just leave me links in the comments.

Stay golden,
Tristan

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Play Date #2

This was actually yesterday, I just didn't get around to posting until now.

So you know how I told you that Thursday was a great experience with Mikey, well Friday was even better. I should have posted this ASAP but I had things to do today.

When I got there for the daytime performance, Mikey was already changing so I decided not to be a creeper and wait in the classroom until he was done. I went ahead and did a light check in the auditorium then came back in the room to find him. I didn't get a "Hey Tristan" but he came over and joined in a conversation with me and someone else. We then went out to the lobby like the day before and waited before the kids got there. I noticed he was messing with his phone and said something about not knowing how to turn it to vibrate. No one said anything, including myself. A few minutes later he mentioned it again, but this time directed it to me since I am supposedly a "technology expert". Whatever. So he showed it to me and we worked on it together for a few minutes until we finally figured it out. That was the closest I had ever been to him. I was leaning over his shoulder to see the screen and our faces were almost touching. We did a little more talking, but nothing special. During the performance I texted with him a lot about the show and other things. Then after the show we all met up in the classroom to eat pizza. We got in a line, and Mikey conveniently stood behind me. But something was different than normal...

He stood extremely close to me. I could feel his chest and stomach against my back and butt. I didn't turn around though, and he didn't step back. It was a strange yet comforting feeling. Even though it only lasted about a minute, I felt something I've never felt before. I don't know how to explain it, I guess the best way would be along the lines of a warmth. Not physically but mentally, caused by my attraction to him. Is that normal?

Anyways, we ate together and then I had to leave for class.

When I arrived for the night performance, I wore a button up black shirt and nice black dress pants. After having to wear black 4 times in a row, I was running low on things to wear. Anyways, when I walked in the room, the first person to say anything to me was Mikey. "Looking sharp Tristan". I told him about running out of things to wear, and he told me he wore the same thing each time. Normally I would think that's a little weird, but I know I used to do it when I worked back stage. It doesn't matter. You may sweat in it for an hour but other than that you are good. Anyways... I don't remember much else happening before the show. We discussed where we were going to eat for our cast dinner afterwards and while in the dressing room I said "I can take 3 people". Mikey was the first to raise his hand. Perfect.

After the show he told me his mom was meeting him to give him money so I waited with him outside and then eventually met up with the other 2 people I was taking. Mikey chose to sit up front with me. I didn't talk much to him but rather everyone as a whole. We got lost, but it was okay because he thought it was funny. We pulled into this gas station to call people to find out where we were meeting and he got a little freaked out because it was dark. We FINALLY made it to the restaurant though. I let them out before I found a place to park (the place was packed) and as Mikey was getting out he said "Love you Tristan" and I answered "Love you too". Too bad I actually meant it. If only he would say that to me without joking around.

Once inside, there was limited seating because we all took up 6 tables that we pushed together. Mikey came and stood with me and we noticed there was one chair open. My friends were trying to get me to sit down but I told them no. Then later they offered Mikey the seat but he refused as well. We finally resorted to bringing up another table, making 7. I sat at the end of the makeshift dining table while Mikey sat to my left. He met up with a friend there from his church group who sat in between us so I felt a little separated at first but once we started talking I felt connected again. I learned a lot about Mikey that night. His college plans, future with theater, feeling like he will never be as good as another actor (I told him that he's wrong and the director really likes him, which gave him some encouragement), and other things. We were there for about an hour and a half and I had a great time with him and my other friends.

But probably the best part (other than the pizza incident) was after everyone left and he was waiting on his mom to pick him up. I stood with him outside at my car and talked for about 10 minutes before she got there. Secretly, I wanted something interesting to happen between the two of us, but it didn't. I wasn't going to try anything because it wasn't the time to screw things up. I planned to give him a goodbye hug but his mom pulled into the wrong area so I walked behind him until he made sure it was her. I wasn't close enough other than to smile and say bye. It didn't matter though, I loved our time together.

If I didn't mention this before, I LOOOOOOOOVE how his voice changes from high to low. I'm guessing his voice is changing, but I never went through a face like that. It's not that it cracks, it's just one minute he's talking low and regular sounding, then the next he's high and soft-spoken. I prefer the high voice. It's more boyish and "gay" sounding. And unlike most people, I don't laugh when he switches, I just keep the conversation going. Goddd, there's nothing I DON'T love about him. Except for the fact that he hasn't told me if he's gay yet. I'm planning bringing that up soon. Not sure whether I'll IM him and eventually go into "Can I ask you a personal question?" and then "I heard from someone that they thought you were gay, are you?". Now that I type that out it doesn't seem like such a good idea. Any better suggestions on how to get that out of him?

Best Mikey Day Ever,
Tristan

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Play Date #1

I figured instead of sticking to a topic like I've been doing, I will do this more in a journal form since days like this are rare.

Remember Mikey? Well, this is all about him. As I mentioned before he is working backstage for a show we are doing, and today we had two performances: one during school and one after. I came into the drama room after 2nd block to get ready for the show, but couldn't find Mikey. So I went through the auditorium and happened to see a few other backstage people go out into the lobby, so I followed. Luckily, he was there, and as soon as I came in the room he was like "Hey Tristan! whatsup dude?" like he was pleasantly surprised to see me. I joined in on small talk with them. I made the mistake of backing up another guy who was dissing this one youth group program that all the partiers go to. Coincidently, Mikey just started going. I quickly changed sides and started saying "I'm sure you're right though, I'm just going off of what I've heard". Anyways, we talked for about 30 minutes and then it was time to start, so I helped him walk one of the classes to their seat and then got ready. The show went okay, but I'm not here to talk about that.

After the show everyone always meets and greets the cast in the lobby so I met them out there. I stood with my friends and Mikey walks by and says "Great job running the lights Tristan", I told him thanks and he did awesome too. We talked a little about our cues, and then he wandered off. So me, being the gay guy that I am, went to hang out in the guys dressing room. Okay, so that's where everyone hangs out, even the girls. But I enjoy it for more reasons than that. Unfortunately, I missed Mikey changing shirts but I saw him changing pants. Black boxer briefs. Hott. I could have stayed and ate pizza with them but I had to get to my 4th block to help my friends with a project.

After school, it was time for our evening performance. This time Mikey didn't say hey to me, but I joined in on their conversation. I followed him around for most of the time before the show started, and when it was time to do warmups I made sure to stand beside him. He told me he had never done them before so I told him to watch me. So it was kind of a fun bonding experience between us. When it came showtime, I wished him luck and we parted.

I texted him once during the show, but didn't get an answer. After the show, we met in the lobby again and all the backstage people jokingly told each other how amazing they were, kind of mocking how all the actors get praised and the backstage people get ignored. A lot of them were hugging, and I thought about making a move with Mikey, but decided not to since he didn't hug anyone. Mikey saw that I had food so he asked if I had took it from the concessions for sell, so I gave him the keys to the storage closet so he could take some as well. I followed him to the dressing room where I watched him change, all the way. He was very quick about it and hesitant, but I caught a few glances from time to time. He was wearing grey boxer briefs now. When he took his shirt off he was exactly how I imagined him to be. Not fat, not, skinny, but average weight with smooth skin and a bellybutton that was between an inny and an outty. So cute.

That was about it for my experiences with him today. Oh, in the dressing room the other guys were making fun of him because of how his voice is cracking, he turned red. I wanted to say something but didn't. They were just doing it in fun, nothing serious. Honestly, I like the way his voice does that. He can be talking to you in a high voice one minute and the next time he opens his mouth his voice is lower. I prefer the high-voice Mikey. Seems more feminine and gay.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I haven't made a move on Mikey yet, it's because before this week started I had only said maybe 2 things to him, ever. I messaged him on Facebook a month or so ago because I wanted to get to know him better, but he didn't really respond much. So I think I'm making a lot of progress.

Tonight he finally answered my text and we IMed on Facebook a bit. I apologized for what I said about the youth group thing and he told me it was fine. We talked about that and hobbies outside of theater. Then I told him I had to go after he got quiet.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. 2 more performances and we're done. But now I think I'm comfortable enough to start texting him every now and then without being nervous about it.

Mikey-ometer:
Friends----------0-----Best Friends----------------Lovers

The 0 is where we are now. Hopefully it will be rising soon.

-Tristan

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

CrushCrushCrush

Hmm, I wonder what this entry is about? No, not the Paramore song. This entry is about the major crushes in my life.

Crush #1: Joseph - 6th Grade
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but from 1st - 9th grade I attended a small, private Christian school. I'll talk more about religion and sexuality another day, but basically we weren't even taught what homosexuality was until about the 8th grade. However, 2 years earlier I developed my first crush. I wasn't even aware that it was a crush at the time. There was this guy in our drama program who all the girls were crazy for. However, I didn't find that out until afterwards. I just knew I liked standing around him because he was so cool, and I would get nervous when he talked to me. He had short brown hair and big brown eyes. As time went on I began to realize this meant I liked him, but I never attempted to "make a move" with him because I was at the time period where I hated myself for liking guys.

Crush #2: Blake - 11th Grade
I had seen this guy around school before, but my heart skipped a beat when he walked into my IBA (Computer) classroom at the start of 1st semester. If that wasn't enough, the teacher put us right next to each other. He was average weight, with a little muscle. He was a freshman at the time, but I didn't care. He had beautiful green eyes and short brown hair. We didn't talk for the longest time, but I eventually worked my way into saying things to him. He would ask for my help a lot and I would be more than happy to do so. Then, when I was finally getting comfortable with him... the teacher decided to change up the seating chart. He got moved to the opposite side of the room, and since we were facing our computers all class I never got to see him except for right at the end. I was heartbroken. I managed enough courage to chat with him on Facebook every now and then, and even got to the point where I would offer to do some of his work for him to help bring his grade up. But that's as far as it went. Since then, he's been hanging with the wrong crowd and involved in things he shouldn't. I'm over him... mostly.

Crush #3: Duncan - 12th Grade
This was first semester this year. I met him in one of my elective classes I really enjoyed. He was a shy, pale, 10th grader who looked about 13. Everyone called him weird, but something about him fascinated me. Maybe it was his pale skin and blonde hair, but he just seemed attractive to me. I went the first 9 weeks not really talking to him, but we made eye contact a lot. I was certain he liked me. Anyways, for the second part of the semester we became really good friends, but he began talking about girls and stuff, so I kind of lost interest in that aspect. We still talk over Facebook sometimes, and I even asked him out to the movies a few months ago, only for him to bring a girl along. Can you say awkward??

Crush #4 - Mikey - PRESENT
Get familiar with this name, because you will be hearing it a lot. Introducing Mikey. I first met him at the first drama club meeting this year. I've been involved in drama all throughout high school, and it's always fun to see the fresh faces each year. But one caught my eye. He had brown hair and the most beautiful blue yes I had ever seen... ever. He looked young, younger than my usual liking, but God was he beautiful. He couldn't be any more perfect. Anyways, he's a freshman. I didn't really have much contact with him first semester, except for the few times he passed out programs while I was the house manager or whatever. We made small talk. Found out his name and such. But it seems that I am starting this journal at the perfect moment. This past Monday, I discovered that he was working backstage for a show I'm running lights for. Monday I sat with him and his friend (who I knew pretty well) and talked with them. This was the first time I've had a conversation with Mikey and it felt great. Yesterday was the same feeling. Today had to be the best day by far though because the director assigned all the backstage people to paint shoes after rehearsal. Meaning I had a lot of time with him. We talked about a lot of things, from my hair color (I let my friend dye it this really bright color, I don't know what I was thinking) from a short film I made the year before. He seemed to know a lot about me even though we had never talked. Oh, and I got his phone number yesterday in case there was an "on-stage emergency". Yeah, right.

So that's about it for my crush experience. Tomorrow and Friday are our performances of the show so I plan to make the best of things with Mikey. Is he gay? I have no idea but his best friend thinks he is. He makes this hand gestures and movements that read as gay but I still don't know. Oh, and he talks in a pretty high voice for his age but sometimes he drops it. I can't tell if he's forcing the higher voice or what. I like it though. And him. A lot.

Love Always,
Tristan

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

How To Be Sexy

In my book, anyways. Even my friends that know I'm gay don't fully know what I consider to be "sexy". When asked what kind of guys I like, I just say "younger looking". Well, there's more to it than that. You see, since I was about 12, I knew I was attracted to guys. At the time, I didn't really understand what "gay" was other than a sin, but I knew this one guy in my musical theater class was attractive and I tried to be around him a lot. Every time he talked to me I got nervous. Like I said, I didn't consider this "liking" him, I just knew I liked being around him. It wasn't until about the 7th grade that I realized "Wait a minute, aren't boys supposed to like girls?"

Anyways, we'll get into my past and current crushes in future entries. But for now, I want to describe for you the perfect boy in my age.

(NOTE: The age range has only SLIGHTLY changed since I was 12, which again, is another issue I will discuss in the future)

Age: 13-16.
Body Type: Slim, but slightly muscular.
Hair: Blonde, although brown can look good too. Medium length, but again that alters depending on the guy.
Eyes: Blue (or bright green).
Height: Shorter than me.
Style: Prep. Dresses nicely but casual. Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostale, etc. are a plus. I like tight fitting shirts and shorts (on other people, not myself). Skinny jeans are a huge turnoff for me.

This is a picture I use very often to describe what kind of boy I like. I have no idea who it is or where it's from, but I've held onto it for years:


B-E-A-utiful.

I'll try to keep this journal one entry each day unless something extremely important comes up. Next time I will discuss crushes. Can't wait...

-Tristan

Monday, April 4, 2011

Tristan Talks


Well first things first. I'm Tristan Skyler. I'm 17 years old and live in the United States. I started this journal so I could express my thoughts and feelings in words without being told to shut up on Facebook. Besides, I plan on sharing stuff I'd never want my friends or classmates to find out about. That's why I'm telling the rest of the world. Makes total sense, right?

The real reason I'm sharing this diary/journal/memoir/blog with the public is because, well, I'm hoping I can help someone who is struggling with the same life experiences as I am. I strongly encourage comments and responses from you guys, either with your own advice or your asking of advice from me. It's a fair trade, dare I say?

(Click here to read my "Introduction" that I imported from my older blog when I was 16)

So, a little about myself. I'm 6ft, weigh 145 pounds, and have dirty blonde hair and blueish green eyes. I don't consider myself attractive, but I also wouldn't consider myself ugly. I have very low self-confidence, but it's something I'm working on. I'm extremely shy and awkward around strangers, but with my closest friends I'm very open.

Speaking of being open, YES I am GAY. But I'm not flaming about it, and certainly not out of the closet. My best friends know, and some of their friends know, but to most of the world, I try to appear a little less...curved? It's not that I hide it (except from my parents), but I'm not one to announce to the world "Look at me, I like boys and I'm proud!" Truth is, I'm not so proud about it. Yes, I finally got over the phase of self-acceptance, but having grown up in a private Christian school until 9th grade I still have the subconscious feeling that it's not "right". Whatever that means.

Anyways, this is a short introduction about myself just to get things rolling. I'll probably do another entry later tonight about my interests.

Until then,
Tristan