Monday, December 26, 2011

New Directions


You may have noticed that the last few entries have been edited.

I have decided that I am going to take a new direction with the blog. I had a long chat with one of my readers and old friends last night and he made me realize that there was no point in recording my relationship moment by moment. If Jason were ever to find the blog, however impossible that may seem, it wouldn't just put an instant end to our relationship, it would also hurt him deeper than that. Since he hasn't trusted his sexuality with very many people, if I break that trust then he may not have anyone at all. I do not want to risk that. While the reader that I chatted with did assure me that he would not inform Jason of the blog, it did worry me a bit with how much power he did have over me. But don't think I am making this change only because of my discussion with him. Because I can honestly see where he is coming from and could not bear the chance of Jason finding out about anything a write here. I fear he may think I was trying to exploit him and our relationship, but as you know that is not my goal at all.

I created this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings involving my sexuality. At the time, I had nothing more than a few crushes with no motive to make any advancements towards them. It started with Blake, then Duncan, then eventually Mikey. That's where I fear the blog took a wrong direction. I began focussing on every single thing we did together and pretty much made a fairly-accurate record of our lives together for months. While I do see value in doing this, I should have done that on a personal level and not publically in this blog. I did the same with Jason, but as it became obvious a relationship was developing was when I realized the harm that could be caused by this.

So... from now on I will take a Topic Based Approach to TristanTalks. This meaning, I will go back to writing about specific topics instead of a record of my daily life and experiences.

Here are a few examples of entries with this approach:

I don't mean to disappoint anyone who reads this blog for what it was: a daily record of my life. I will still keep you updated things, but in a more ambiguous way mixed into my future entries. In a way that will not hurt anyone, even if my blog was discovered by him.

However, I do need some topics from you guys to discuss. It can be anything related to me and my sexuality. It can also be about being a boy-lover. Or if you would rather find out my opinion on specific topics, please suggest those as well.

You can contact me either by an anonymous comment or by email at Tristan@TristanTalks.com.

One last thing: I want to hear your opinion on this change. Let me know if you like/dislike it and why.

To a New Direction,
Tristan

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Winter Begins



I realize that it has been a couple of weeks since I last updated. But I feel that a daily update on Jason and myself would get a little boring for you, since a lot of the time we do the same thing. I am now on Winter break and won't be going back to school until January 8th. I've been without Jason for 8 days and it is tearing me apart.

Lately I have felt that Jason has become uninterested in me except for when we are sexual. I feel like I'm doing all this work and he doesn't even seem to appreciate it. But maybe he does. What has got my doubting our relationship the most is the fact that he hasn't texted me at all over the break except to respond to my texts. I have made it a plan to text him every other day, but decided I would wait for him to text me first this time. Tomorrow will be the third day. I'll text him tomorrow night to ask if he still wants to be roommates. What comes next will be based on his response.

We will see...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Blowing in the Wind


Ok, so I know I haven't updated in a long time but this is partly due to the fact that I had Thanksgiving Break last weekend so not much happened other than shopping with Mikey which was really fun. I will just give a quick overview of what happened tonight.

I will skip the details, but basicaly after a three day build up with Jason, I experienced my first blowjob session. Giving him one was the easy part. I actually think I did a really good job at it. No, I didn't swallow. Mainly because I was scared I would gag and embarass myself, but he didn't seem to mind.

We went back to cuddling and after a while I told him I was ready whenever he was. I told him that this was the part I was most nervous about. He undid my pants for me and pulled them and my boxers down. Luckily I was able to be hard throughout the nervousness. He began sucking almost immediately. The first thing I felt was the warmth, and the feeling of his lips that I had felt during our kisses. I was telling myself to not cum too early because I wanted to give it time. After about 3 minutes, I was getting worried. I wasn't nearing an orgasm at all, and my penis was beginning to feel numb from all the motion. I told him maybe he should just try jacking me off for a while, which he did. But still I just wasn't feeling turned on. I can only compare it to the feeling of trying to masturbate once you have just cummed from masturbating. It's like I had no sexual drive at all. Which is crazy because I did when I was blowing him. After about 6 minutes I told him I'd try myself and then let him take over when I got close. So I began to masturbate while he watched. It still felt numb. I got to a point where I felt that with a few more strokes I would cum so I let him take over. But I lost that feeling once it got back in his mouth. After 10 minutes I just told him to forget it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never had a problem with orgasming before. In my bedroom I can cum after like 2 minutes if I was in a rush. Maybe I was just too nervous, or maybe he just wasn't going fast enough. I didn't want to make him go too fast though. I'm not even sure if that would have helped. I even tried to think of Mikey while he was doing it but that didn't last long because I felt bad about it. I was so embarrassed after. He told me it was fine and he faked his first orgasm while with his ex. But I still don't know if that was true or he was just trying to make me feel better. But no matter how okay he was with it, I still felt like I let myself down.

Is this normal? Do guys normally have trouble cumming their first time? Would it have been better if we started with handjobs and not blowjobs? Tell me your stories and let me know if I'm alone or not in this.

-Tristan

Friday, November 25, 2011

Everytime We Touch


Yes, I was listening to this song while writing this entry. This is a continuation of my last entry, but about being touched.

Saturday, November 19, 2011
This has been a week ago so bear with me for not remembering all the details. Jason's roommate was still doing his initiation for his fraternity so we had the room together again. The only thing I can remember is laying in his bed and he was shirtless. I was stroking his chest like normal, when he suddenly says...

"You can go lower if you want."


If you remember, a few days before I offered to go lower with my rubbing while we were laying on the floor but he told me he had to tidy up down there and was too stuborn. Well, it seems things have changed. Maybe it was the fact that we didn't make it official until Friday night with the first kiss. Which makes sense, I just wasn't brave enough to mention kissing at that time.

"How much lower?"


With this question, he grabbed my hand and dragged it from his bellybutton down to his "lower region" (he was wearing shorts). From there I began rubbing, trying not to stick only to the "new" area so he wouldn't think that's all I cared about.

"Do you want me to rub you too?"


I hesitated. I  couldn't form words to answer him. He quickly retaliated with "Sorry, you don't have to let me". But I told him no, I wanted him to. He told me that he had a dream about this once.

After about 30 minutes of all-over rubbing, we decided to call it a night. He asked if I wanted a goodnight kiss. DUH! So we just went for it, no elongated conversation before hand. He did tell me I needed to lift my head up some so he could reach me, which I did. This time he did exactly the same thing as last time, but I used my tongue some as well. It was about 10 seconds longer than the one before hand, but at the end we both had to wipe our faces and he said it was a little sloppy but it was okay. Crap, I felt like I screwed up. I told him next time I would let him do the work again until I got better at it.

---

Not much exciting things between us has happened since then. Tuesday I got angry with him for the first time. We were walking to our pier when his sister called, who he would be seeing the next day in person. I didn't mind, but 20 minutes later when we arrived at the pier he was still talking. He stayed at the area before it and told me he would finish quickly. I walked down the pier alone while I waited for an additional 30 minutes while he talked to his sister about random things like spongebob and making random noises. I felt really ignored. Mind the fact that Monday night he was tired and went to bed early, so I didn't even get any alone time with him. I sat down and began texting out my frustrations with my friend. He finally came up behind me and told me he was done and apologized. I just nodded and we walked to our usual spot.

At first I had a goal of making him realize I was upset with him by not saying anything, but I decided to give it up because I didn't want to ruin our last night together before thanksgiving break. But about 5 minutes later he put his arm around me and said "You seem sad". I told him I wasn't, but took the opportunity to rest my head on his shoulder and he rested his lightly on mine.

From there we went into our usual laying position. I rubbed his chest, arms, back, head, and face. But I avoided the "lower" regions because I was more interested in making this a romantic moment and not a sexual one. He was cold so I wrapped my legs over him entirely and he burried his head into my neck. He rubbed my leg and thigh while it was around him. Later I rested my head on top of his but took it off because I didn't feel like it was comfortable to him (even though he said it was).

Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to kiss out there or in the elevator. I told him out there because I didn't want it to be cut short. This time I let him lead. He went deeper into my mouth with his tongue, but not too deep to where it was anywhere near my throat. This was our best kiss so far. I used my tongue a little and reached a point of excitement that it never caused before. Are mouth orgasms possible? Anyways, this one was about 30 seconds long, which was the longest by far. He told me that he was sorry if it was a little long, it was hard to judge with kisses. I told him I didn't mind it being long. He also told me that he was beginning to become addicted to these kisses, and it had been so long since he had kissed anyone. I told him he was starting a new addiction for me, but it's okay because it's probably not one of the worst things college kids could get addicted to. Afterwards we hugged and sat up together. Then we made our way back to our dorms.

So what started out as a bad night quickly became one of our best together. I was sad that we wouldn't see each other again until next Monday, but I figured I would survive and maybe the distance will make us want to be closer next time we are together.

That's it for now. If I remember I will do an entry about Black Friday shopping with Mikey last night and today.

-Tristan

Monday, November 21, 2011

My First Kiss...


Wow, if only I had known what would happen in these past 4 days I would have never written that last entry. I will begin with Thursday so you have a proper lead-in.

Thursday, November 17, 2011
After the GSA meeting, I went to Jason's room. He jumped into his bed and just laid there, pretending to be asleep. I told him that it wasn't fair that he got to sleep while I stood there, so I jumped into the bed with him. We laid like we did at the pier, with my arm around him. I began to lightly stroke his chest, which he liked and told me to continue doing. I rubbed his chest, back, and arms for almost an hour. Occasionally he would rub me as well but I told him I preferred doing it to him. I'm not sure what took over me, but I suddenly got the courage to ask a question that I would have never asked before. As I was rubbing him stomach, I said under my breath:

"I could go lower if you want."

He paused for a minute. I looked up at his face and could see he was nervously smiling and moving his mouth but nothing was coming out. After a while he managed to say that he wasn't ready for that tonight and he wanted to "clean up" down there before we did that. I told him I was totally okay with that and I felt bad for saying anything. He told me not to, ans he felt bad for being stubborn. We went back to chest rubbing for another 20 minutes or so. We wrapped this up early because he had a big test the next day.

Friday, November 18, 2011
After dinner we came back to his room and he spent some time watching videos and playing video games, until moving to his bed. We didn't really have a reason to be in bed, but we went for it anyways. He took his shirt off again and I began rubbing, but his legs as well this time. I would skip down from his belly button to where his shorts ended. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. This night we held each other very close. Closer than ever before. He even turned facing me, while we slowly stroked each others chests. I was wearing a shirt again, mainly to make him feel more secure in case his roommate walked in. There were several occasions where we thought we heard his roommate coming so I jumped down and sat in his chair at his laptop. But he never came in. It got later and later, until about 3am when something amazing happened...

We were laying together, facing each other, with his face buried beneath mine in the pillow.

Me: I feel like I'm smothering you.
Jason: No, I like it.
(1 minute pause)
Me: It would be really easy to kiss you now.
Jason (giggles) Yeah, it would.

I can't believe I said that. I began to panic and tell him about how I was scared I would do something stupid or have bad breath or mess it up. He told me that it would be fine and he would do all the work. He told me the only rule I had to follow was to close my eyes. I jokingly replied that "Bruno Mars taught me that", in reference to the lyrics "Should have known you were trouble since the first kiss, had your eyes wide open, why were they open?". A song was playing that had a title with the name of one of my best friends in it so I told him I wanted to change it so I can think of just him when I hear a song. I let him chose the song, which was "Crazy for You" by Adele. After I stood up, I began shaking like crazy. I also started talking really quickly about how I wasn't nervous and I didn't know why I was shaking. That was a lie. He told me it was okay and he was the same way his first kiss. I got back in bed with him. The time had come. He told me to close my eyes, so I did.

3:18am - The moment his lips touched mine I couldn't think of anything else. I have never been so caught up in a moment. I was surprised by how much tongue he used for a first kiss. To be honest... it felt weird. I mean, being kissed felt good, but the overall experience wasn't as great as I imagined it. He moved his tongue in and out of my mouth very quickly. The kiss lasted about 15 seconds, much longer than I expected as well. As soon as we were done he got very excited and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a huge hug. It was about 3:30 by the time I left to go back to my room.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Actually... I think I'll save this for next entry. It's equally as interesting as my first kiss, I don't want to overshadow anything.

I will try to have that up tomorrow or Wednesday.

(In) Love,
Tristan

Monday, November 14, 2011

Time of My Life?



These past few weeks with Jason have been some of the most memorable moments of my life. Cuddling on the pier has become a common thing, happening 3-4 times a week. This weekend we watched a movie in my bed (Twin size), during which I put my arm around him. When alone, we hold hands. Last night at the pier after cuddling, we sat up and I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder.

But I can't help but have these thoughts about him that are not so appealing. At random times, things pop into my head that I don't like about him. Even if they are minor things like how he doesn't like to initiate anything, they still get to me. I've heard before that loving someone was being able to look past those things, which I have, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. I truly could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Is it wrong to be able to see the flaws in people? Am I being judgmental? I mean, it's not like it changes how I feel about him.

The weirdest thing is, these kind of picky judgements didn't happen with the past guys I have liked. Mikey, Duncan, and a few others were always perfect in my eyes. Is this different because we are actually sort of in a relationship? Or is it because it is very physical that I look for perfection?

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I just felt the need to write it out. It makes me feel like a bad person, I'm never judgmental towards most anyone. One theory is that it is a natural defense mechanism in case things do not work out, so I will be able to say "well I didn't like this about him anyways".

I also get very nervous when he is around other guys, especially when he talks about how attractive they are. This didn't bother me before, because I did it too. But now that we are so much close, I feel kind of hurt when he does mention it. It just makes me feel like I'm easily replaceable. I know I'm not necessarily what he considers attractive, but I feel like a relationship requires more than that.

I don't know. I really want to keep him and develop this thing further. This really has been the time of my life, having someone to hold and be perfectly open with (although he has started the usual teasing about me liking younger guys, but it doesn't really bother me as much with him).

Should I just suppress these feelings? I mean, they are not very strong at all, but I'm starting to lose the excitement that I used to have when we were together. I guess that happens when you are actually in a relationship. Maybe this is all normal, or is it? Ughh, darn me and my lack of experience in anything.

-Tristan

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Two Spirited



I had originally planned to call this entry "Double Life" and to talk about how I felt bad about writing publically about the people I care about, but my feelings have changed so I decided to use the same picture but to discuss a different topic.

I feel that the more and more time Jason and I spend time together, the more we become like the same person. I've thought from the beginning that we were a lot alike, but now I see that so much more clearly.

Not only do we finish each others sentences and begin talking about what the other is thinking about, but we also see things the same way. Last night we were walking and there was a leaf on the ground thought caught both of our eyes. I started laughing, because to me it looked like a taco. At the same time he said "I thought it was a taco". It was really funny, but also startling knowing that we thought of the same thing.

----

I planned to make this entry longer but since it has taken me a few days to progress any, I thought I'd go ahead and share with you what happened tonight. Probably the most amazing thing that has happened to me ever.

We were lying at the pier like normal after eating, but we were both complaining about how cold it was. He jokingly asked why couldn't I be a heater to warm him. I joked back but didn't pay it any attention. About 15 minutes later he said "I'm going to steal your warmth" and he scooted a little closer to me. So I suggested we lay with our arms touching so we can transfer the warmth between us. Well sooner or later he mentioned that his legs were shivering, so I took the initiative and said "well maybe we can do the same thing with our legs". But instead of him laying his leg beside mine, he put it on top, and I put my other leg on top of his. At this point I was on my side. He continued to shiver, so I put my arm on his shoulder and laid my head against it. After a while we got to talking about his hand being cold, he brushed it across my face for me to feel how cold it was, so I told him I could hold it if he wanted. So we did. We reckoned that it wouldn't matter since we were already doing so much other "inappropriate" things. We laid this way for about 30 minutes, although I could have done it all night. But he had homework to do so we decided to leave. But while walking I suggested we continue to keep each other warm, so we interlocked arms until we got to where we were around people, then we stopped.

This was the most I have EVER been in contact with someone, other than maybe wrestling with Mikey, but that wasn't as intimate. I really hope this becomes a regular thing, but I also don't want to pressure him into thinking that it's all I want to do. I'm happy with our usual walks and sits at the pier, but this makes it even more interesting. I became aroused several times tonight, but I made sure not to let him know.

Anyways, I wanted to share  this with you now because it has made my entire weekend to much better despite big roommate issues. I won't get into those now, but all you have to do is check out my Twitter and you will see all that I have went through.

I will let you know as soon as anything else happens with Jason. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect night.

-Tristan

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Frowny Face


Text Conversation with Jason:

Me: I know. I won't let u have all the fun haha. Btw I've been meaning to ask u: are u still interested in being in a relationship?

Jason: Honestly I don't have that much relationship experience and I don't really know if I'm ready for one right now. I'd want to just be really good friends for the time being.

Me: Alright, I'm okay with that. I just wanted to know. I've sorta felt this way roo but didn't want u to think I was avoiding anything.

Jason :)

:(

At least I don't have to feel bad about still liking Mikey. Thoughts? Do you think anything will ever happen between Jason and I?

-Tristan

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mental


I wasn't planning to do an entry today but I felt the need to document how I'm feeling right now.

I don't know what it is, but when I go a day without having  any real conversation with people I get in this weird state of mind where nothing seems real. It's as if I'm living life in third person, but also living it in first person at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like my brain is divided into two parts, both working symmetrically. One is processing the present and is dominant when I'm in situations with other people. But there is another part that is constantly thinking about the past and future which takes over when the other is not necessary. It almost always lowers my mood unless I have something to look forward to or just experienced something worth reminiscing on.

I guess this sounds pretty normal, but I honestly think that the way I experience isn't. I have to consciously turn off the part that is thinking about the past/future to be able to get in a "present" state of mind again.

Another issue is I feel I am watching my life as a movie. Like I'm waiting for the next big plot twist. And as one is actually happening I feel like I take it for granted and don't enjoy it for what it is. Instead I think of what it could lead to. My time with Jason has been amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better friend to help me through college. But maybe I'm expecting too much from him. The fact that he likes me and he's gay doesn't mean he will ever really love me. You don't realize (or maybe you do), how much I want to kiss him. I want us to cuddle when we are laying together in the grass or at the pier. I want to hold hands with him while walking at night or to dinner. Why can't we have what a normal couple has. Are we even a couple, does he want us to be a couple?

I'd ask him, but I never know when the right time would be. His emotions are so hard to read. He isn't good with expressing his feelings, and I'm too reserved to express mine without first knowing his.

What am I doing with my life right now that is important? I don't have a job, I'm not making a difference in anyone's life (except maybe Jason, but that's debatable), and I'm not doing anything I enjoy, other than blogging. I've done volunteer work, but it's all been short term. I want something to strive for, and by that I mean something other than school work.

I don't know, I know I'm rambling and I'm debating whether I should even post this or not. Once I started writing the feelings started to fade so I'm losing inspiration to write about.

Is this bipolar disorder? Depression? Multiple Personality Disorder? What's wrong with me and why can't I just be normal and stable?

-Tristan (If that's REALLY who I am right now)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Stretching



The longer it lasts, the better it is... right?

These past few weeks with Jason have been some of the best I've had since I started college. Our long walks, talks, and adventures have really made my life so great. He's everything I want... in a friend.

But like I've said before, I've been wanting this thing to develop farther. Apparently telling someone you like them isn't enough anymore for things to go farther.

Thursday was one of the best days in a while. I went with Jason to the GSA meeting, at which we did a bunch of trust building exercises. One involved everyone touching each other to stay a connected line while trying to overcome an obstacle. Obviously I was already standing with Jason so I started by touching him on the shoulder but as we started to move to form the line, I grabbed his hand. Actually his wrist, but after a minute or so I let it slip down to where we were actually holding hands, fingers connected. He didn't say anything, neither did I. The activity took about 20 minutes, and afterwards we let go. Again, nothing was said but I could tell we both enjoyed it.

After the meeting, we ate and then decided to sit in the grass at the park since the weather was nice. This eventually led to us laying side by side and stargazing. We kept seeing these strange flying objects, and it was fun pointing them out to each other because we would grab each others arm to point in the direction. At one point I grabbed his leg. We were so close our elbows and knees were touching. Howie texted me and we began discussing mine and Jason's relationship. I let Jason read everything. He asked if we had been on a date yet which led to a discussion about how we will start calling some of our outings dates. He also asked if we have kissed and Jason didn't say anything. I know I should have taken that opportunity to say "Want to change that so we can send him a 'yes'?", but I didn't think of that until afterward. Oh well. It was a great night.

Friday I invited Jason to this Haunted House and once he said yes I asked if he wanted to consider it a date and he said "Sure, it's a date!". But other than that there was nothing out of the ordinary, other than having to squeeze through this airbag section where I got pushed into him from behind where we were touching more than ever. But I'm not sure if he thought anything about it. I sure liked it.

Saturday Mikey called twice and we talked about theatre. Something he doesn't talk about around Justin or Dylan. I was walking with Jason when he called so I tried to keep it short and make it clear that Jason was more important, but when I called Mikey back we talked for longer. Yes, I still have feelings for him.

Sunday I spent the whole day with Jason shopping for clothes for our gender bender party. He had more fun with it than I did and really liked dressing as a woman and said he wished he could do it more often. Well, at least we know who will play the woman role in this relationship.

We are meeting in 10 minutes to do dinner and a movie. Not expecting much, but if anything happens I'll let you know. Make sure to keep up with my Twitter @TristanTalks for instant updates!

-Tristan Skyler

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Falling Into Break


This entry is a summary of the events of my fall break. I will do it in sections for each day. Don't skip any, they all have interesting parts.

Thursday
This was my last day of class. I told Jason to finish his paper and then we would eat. So he did, but it took longer than expected and he had another paper to type as well. But luckily he finished around 10:30 so we headed out. Not many things are open that late, and it didn't help that it started pouring on us during our search for food. Running in the rain is always fun with him though. I told him again that I planned this and that he looked hotter when he was wet. We ate and had a lot of fun joking around with each other back and forth. We continued our last conversation about me being his slave and he made me run across the street to see if a place was open. I enjoy being his slave and calling him masta ;) We said our goodbyes on the elevator and continued talking until the door closed when I got off on my floor.

Friday
My mom got here at around 9:30am to take me home. Our conversation was very....nerve racking.

Me: Well I wanted to stay for the GSA meeting.
Mom: Oh, the Government Student.... thing?
Me: Umm... no.
Mom: What is it then?
Me: ....Gay-Straight Alliance.
Mom: Ok, I won't ask any more questions.

But our conversation went on.

Mom: Why are you involved in so many pro-gay things?
Me: I don't know...
Mom: Are you just doing it because you like controversial things and debating?
Me: Not really.

Then she joked about her becoming a lesbian to escape my father. In a way I kind of wanted her to go ahead and ask me if i was gay. But I'm sort of glad she didn't so the car ride home wouldn't be awkward.

When I got home I texted Mikey and he told me that they were recording the song that night. They hadn't even mentioned this to me so I was a little upset. I took a nap and woke up to a text from him asking for my address. I asked why and he TOLD me that they were recording at my house. I told him I haven't asked yet and I heard his friend in the background say "Get in the f*****g car, we're going now". So I told him I would ask then call him back. About 2 minutes later I got a text saying "Hurry the hell up", so I flat out told him that sorry but I wasn't dealing with his attitude. He kept begging through his friend but I eventually said I had other plans and met up with my friend at the mall. In a way I was a little relieved because I thought I had finally realized Mikey really wasn't all he was cracked  up to be and the distance let me see his true character. But I was also upset that I probably wouldn't see him at all during the break.

Saturday
I woke up early to go to brunch with two of my friends, with which I talked about Jason to. They all thought it was really sweet that I met someone who wasn't Mikey. But later that day Mikey called me asking if I wanted to record. So I told him I was free and brought my equipment to his house. He greeted me at my car. At first glance it didn't look like him and I assumed it was one of his friends I didn't know. But as he started walking towards me I realized it was him. It's not even that he looked different. It was really weird. But anyways he helped me carry my stuff in and he and his friend prepared to record. We didn't make it far because they kept getting distracted and yelling at each other. At one point Mikey flashed his pubes but that's as far as he went and claimed he "doesn't do that anymore" when his friend talked about him pulling his dick out all the time. They wrestled a lot and then sang loudly to songs on their iPods. Then Mikey's dad came home and we ran back to the dining room to clean up. Mikey was really quiet. His dad didn't say a word. Came in and got something, then left. It was really awkward. Mikey told me it was because I was there and his dad didn't like me, but I'm not sure if that's true because his dad always seemed really cool with me before. Unless Justin's parents told him. I'm not sure, but I left soon after.

That evening I went to this Halloween themed amusement park with another friend. There were sooo many attractive guys there. We pointed out to each other the attractive ones, but I stopped after a while when she started saying "eww, he's way too young for you Tristan". The best part was standing at the urinal in the bathroom with 2 really attractive boys beside me. I didn't look to see anything though. I just enjoyed their presence.

Also, one of the characters in a maze was flirting with me and I flirted back with him. He invited me into this dark room to makeout but I kept walking. He was joking of course but I found it entertaining.

There was also a guy at a cotton candy stand that both my friend and I found attractive. We decided to buy some solely because he was there. We paid the lady at the cashier and out of nowhere came this sexy voice:

"Great job on your video!"

I looked up and the gorgeous guy was looking at me and smiling. He apparently is taking the video production class I took last year and my teacher showed him my work. He said he felt like he was talking to a celebrity and couldn't believe he was seeing me in person. I couldn't believe I was seeing someone as sexy as him either, but I didn't tell him that. We talked for a while until he gave us our cotton candy and we walked away. Sadly, I didn't get his name (or number). But it totally made my night.

Sunday
I didn't do much on Sunday until the evening when I went to this church Halloween thing my friend had going on. Last year I tried organizing a group to protest it because they had a scene with lesbians being sent to hell. But this year they took that out and it was actually quite good. I didn't agree with a lot of the themes but the effects and sets were good. The pastor played Satan and he got right up in my face and pointed at me with his finger an inch or two from my face. I kind of felt singled out since he probably knows I'm gay but oh well. I wasn't intimidated.

Monday
I visited my high school and had lunch with my friends. It was like old times but I saw a lot less people than I thought I would recognise. I also went to my drama teacher during her 4th block, which was her planning. Things were going great and we were talking a lot but then the inevitable happened... She was on the phone with a radio station and this boy walks in. I'm not sure that I've mentioned this but at the end of my senior year I made a fake girl Facebook and traded pics with boys. There was one in particular that "fell in love" with me so after about a week I told him I wasn't real. Surprisingly, he was really cool with it even though he had sent me some very naughty pictures. We continued talking, and he asked who I was. I figured since I had graduated and wouldn't see him anymore it was fine, so I told him and we continued to talk.

But seeing someone in person is different. It had to be the most awkward 5 minutes of my life. I looked at him when he came in but then my eyes went immediately to the ground. I know he knew who I was. I also knew that he knew that I had seen his pictures. Luckily my friend came in and I had someone to talk to. The boy eventually left and we made eye contact right before, but still nothing was said. He messaged me tonight (Tuesday) asking if it was me. I haven't heard back from him.

Mikey texted me when school let out asking if I could take him home, so I did. It was interesting, because the guy he normally rides home with was there and ready to take him, but he wanted me to. I felt special and enjoyed the ride very much. He had lost his bitchy attitude now that he was alone with me and we had a few good conversations. I know he still likes me, and in a way I do too. We said goodbye until Thanksgiving and I watched him as he disappeared into his house. I'm glad I had that moment with him, it made me realize I wasn't ready to give up on him just yet.

Tuesday
Today was basically just a ride back to school. I took a nap, ate alone, then went to the support group meeting. It was actually nice because there were only like 4 other kids there and the leader so I felt like I could be more open. I mentioned Jason as my friend and the leader drilled me about it until I told her that he was a "special friend-in-progress". She said that's the best time, everything is really exciting. I agreed. He texted me at about 8:30 and we made plans to meet at 9:15. We walked and went to the pier until about 12. And here I am.

So as you see, my fall break was pretty interesting. I'm glad I got to see most of my friends, including Mikey. I missed Jason like crazy so it's good to be back. We will see what happens next...

-Tristan

Monday, October 10, 2011

Mood Booster


So you guys requested an update. I was trying to hold off until something more interesting happened and I could sum everything up but it's taking longer than I expected. And in a way, I'm happy bout that.

This past week with Jason has been a huge mood booster for me. While I guess we haven't done anything "relationshipworthy", we have spent lots of time together. We now have our favorite spot to walk to at night. This pier with no lights and only a few boats. We go there and sit (or lay) and watch the water. Lately when we do lay down, we are very near each other. But he always faces away from me. But at times I like this because I can move closer towards him. Last night we laid on two benches connected to each other with our heads only inches from touching.

Not only physical closeness, but we have shared in emotional closeness as well. He is now completely open with me about pretty much everything, and me the same with him. He knows about my attraction to younger guys. We discuss very sexual things like blowjobs and porn. We look up gay clubs in our city and even walked to one the other day but didn't go in. We share our celebrity crushes and exchange a look with each other when we pass a hot shirtless guy jogging by us. Last night we talked about growing up and things that made us realize we were gay. This was so exciting for me because this is something I've never been able to discuss with someone before. I know with girls I can talk about attractive guys, but they didn't grow up with being "different", so there are some things they will not be able to relate to. But with Jason I can.

I've learned that he likes muscular guys so I think I'm going to begin working out, mainly to impress him but also for myself.

As good as things are going, I'm still anxious about things, as usual. I want him to feel the same way about me. I don't want our friendship to slowly fade away, I want it to get stronger. I just hope he doesn't feel like now that he's in college he should explore the different options. I feel like we were made for each other, in a sense. Sure there are other gay guys all over the place, but we share so many of the same ideas and lifestyles. I don't think there are many guys so similar. It seems almost like we skipped all the bad guys that most people go through before finding the right one. I just hope he feels the same way.

Those of you asking if I will still like him after he starts looking more his age: Of course I will. I've learned that love is so much more than physical appearance. With Mikey, that's what made me begin to love him (yes, there were other things as well), but with Jason, I began by liking his personality then noticed that he wasn't bad looking either. We almost got kicked out of the adult section of a video store because they thought he was underage. There was nothing there interesting anyways, for gay guys that is.

I'm still trying to determine what kind of move I will make with him and when I'll do it. He's told me before that he hasn't been very "touchy feely" in the past but wants to get over that. I'm in the same situation. I want really badly to hold his hand while walking. I feel like that is the best first move for us. It's simple and not too obvious. Then maybe a quick hug goodbye each night or something. But how do I ask if he wants to do this? I don't want to just go for it and he not be ready for it.

Relationships are so complicated, but maybe that's the fun of it.

-Tristan

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fate?


This is a continuation of my last entry, so if you have not read it yet please scroll down and check it out.

I began thinking about this Saturday night, but didn't officially make plans until Sunday morning. It's something I've never done before directly, but I felt like the timing was right...

I was going to tell Jason that I liked him.

Before you tell me that this isn't my first time, remember that I did not tell Mikey this. Instead, he asked, but not in a way to show that he was interested. I knew he was straight before that.

But this time, we were both gay. And Jason was not the type to make the first move. It took long enough to get the fact that he was gay out of him. So I decided that I would text him at 3pm with a preplanned message.

I asked a few friends about it before I did. Two of them encouraged me to go for it, but one told me that doing it by text was "lame". I explained to her that with his personality, if I were to tell him in person he would feel put on the spot, something he doesn't like. At least by text, he can think it over before responding.

So 3pm came. I waited a few more minutes just so it wouldn't seem planned.

(3:23) Me: Hey can I tell u something?
(3:25) Jason: Yeah sure.
(3:27) Me: Ok, sorry if this is weird. but I had a really good time this weekend and... well I've never told anyone this before. But I really like you. But if u don't feel the same way it's totally cool and I'm more than happy to just be friends. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest haha.
....
20 minutes pass, and there is no response. My heart was racing. Was he thinking of a nice way to reject me? Was he completely disgusted that he never wanted to talk to me again? What was going on??

(3:47) Me: Sorry again, I shouldn't have said anything.

...
..
.

(4:04) Jason: No, I'm glad you said something. I like you too and I'm proud of you for saying your feelings. You're a really nice guy and I'd love to get to know you better....It took me a while to text back because I was with a few friends and I wanted some alone time to compose this text.

:)

This was probably the best text I've ever gotten in my life. We ate dinner together later that night and walked around the city. Nothing was any different than usual other than a few mentions of his ex.

Monday, we did dinner and a walk again. But this time instead of walking we went to the pier and sat together for almost 2 hours just talking. This time our conversation got a little more personal, talking about when we realized we were gay, school showers, boners, and other non-related subjects. It felt really good to see that he was being totally open with me.

We plan to get dinner together tonight and walk as usual after my lab. I'm not expecting too much, but I think things might start getting even more interesting pretty soon. I'm just ready for it to be official.

I hope you guys are happy for me. I think it will do me good to have him in my life.

-Tristan

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Truth be Told


I know it's been a few days since this weekend was over, but I've been waiting for the aftershocks to wear off. While they haven't yet, I will go ahead and update you.

In continuation from where I left off with my last quick update, we met about an hour afterwards in the lobby with backpacks full of everything we needed for the trip. We passed by my friend Howey as we were leaving (who knew that I liked Jason) and I told him what we were doing. His response was "Oooohh! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!". Jason and I looked at each other and laughed, then started walking towards the bus terminal.

When we got on the bus, we were the only ones on it aside from an elderly couple. The ride there was pretty quiet. We each played our individual games on our phones and listened to my iPod, each sharing an earpiece. I've mentioned before that we have a very similar taste of music. Usually when I'm listening to my iPod with people I have to skip some songs because they embarrass me, but I never had to do that with him. He even liked my Libera songs.

When we got to the beach, we were dropped off at this major shopping area. It was late and most things were closed, but we managed to go in a few shops and this amusement park-type building. In it we did a lot of activities that were aimed at little kids, but we had a great time. Afterwards we went to this sort-of expensive restaurant. I noticed that my money was going fast, and I hadn't even found a hotel yet.

After we ate, we began walking back towards the downtown area where all the hotels were. Surprisingly, this was a much longer walk than we expected. At one point we walked through this really dark neighborhood, in which we began hearing voices coming from the woods. Both of us were a little freaked out. Then, as we walked by a bush, something began moving inside it. I grabbed onto Jason's shoulder and he jumped towards me. Later we discovered the thing in the bush was probably a squirrel and the voices were from a concert in the distance. But whatever the case, we were happy to finally get downtown after about an hour of walking.

It took a few tries, but we finally found a hotel with a really good rate. I was hoping we would get "stuck" in a room with only one bed, but this one had two queens. The lady at the front desk was extremely nice, and didn't charge us the usual security deposit because we didn't "seem like the type of boys to trash the room". She also said she would put us in a room with no one around. I didn't think of it until Jason said something about it, but we assume she meant if we were going to "do anything", we could do it in private.

When we got to the room, we put our stuff down and then went to walk out on the beach. It was almost 1am, but we weren't very tired. Plus, the bus driver scheduled us a bus back at 7pm on Saturday, as opposed to 1pm as we had planned. So we had plenty of time to sleep in a little. It was a situation that could have been romantic, but neither of us did anything to suggest we wanted it to be that way. We went back to the room and fell asleep pretty quickly.

We woke up at 7:30 (him) and 8:00 (me) to take showers. Afterwards we put on our swimsuits and headed out to the ocean. It was really cold and windy, but we decided to give the water a try anyways. Surprisingly, it was warmer than outside of the water. I left my shirt on, but Jason took his off. In a way I wanted to jump on his back or something, just playing around, but it was too cold for that so we just floated there shivering until we had both had enough and got out. We went back to the room, changed, packed up our stuff, and checked out of the hotel.

To sum up the not-so-important part of the day, we walked around downtown, had lunch, played in the arcade and competed to see who could win the most tickets (he did), then took a cab back to the shopping center at about 2pm. At one point, his mom called and he pretended to be sitting in the dorm room. He felt really bad about lying to her, but felt like he wasn't doing anything wrong at the same time.

Once at the shopping center we went in as many shops as possible. We tried on funny clothes and hats and just had an all together good time. But at about 5pm, we had been in every shop there was yet we still had 2 hours before the cab came. Neither of us were hungry enough to go pay a lot of money for a meal, so we settled for smoothies instead.

We sat on a bench together, and to pass time together I "happened" to have a Truth or Dare app on my phone. So we played. A lot of questions were just stupid, but there were a few dirty ones. My ultimate goal was to get something out of him to convince me he was gay. Then it came...

"Have you ever fantasized about an authority figure? Explain."

He began to say skip it, but then started laughing.

Me: Well, you have to tell me now.
Jason: It was a teacher.
Me: Go on....
Jason: No... that's all you need to know (still laughing)
Me: It said explain, now do it!
Jason: Nahh, next question.
Me: Fine. (begins to take my turn)
Jason: The worst part was, he was married.

Wait....what did he just say?? I was almost certain he said "he", but could have been mistaken. I didn't ask, but I gave him a look acknowledging what he said.

On the bus ride back, we continued the game. After a few questions I got more confirmation about him with a question about his first kiss. He was in a month long relationship with a guy, but they broke up because they weren't right for each other (the guy was a "bad boy"). He told me I was the first friend he had ever told that he was gay.

My heart was racing. I was so happy to find out he was gay, it made the whole trip seem worth it even though nothing really happened between us other than growing closer in our friendship. I had not even begun this friendship assuming he was gay, I just thought we were a lot alike and he was attractive. But now, he was so much more.

Our conversation continued, and we talked a lot about how we felt about guys. It was really good to see him open up. I just wish it had happened sooner.

When we got back to college, we walked around until we found one restaurant open and had dinner, as a way to "end a great weekend". We went back to the dorm and said our goodbyes. We planned to get dinner together Sunday as well. I slept really well that night.

Now, this was only the first part of the weekend. Wait until you hear what happened Sunday, it may be what you have been waiting for. But I will save that for the next entry. I think you've heard enough for now ;)

-Tristan

Friday, September 30, 2011

Dreams Come True


From Tuesday:
 I thought about also looking into getting a hotel, but then figured it was too early for that.

Well, I guess not. This is just a short update to let you know that Jason and I are leaving in an hour to go to the beach. We already have reservations at a hotel (2 beds, unfortunately) and will spend the first half of tomorrow there as well. Then we will be back here around this time tomorrow.

You can't imagine how excited I am.

Until then,
Tristan

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Prejudice?


I apologize for the entry I posted last night (that has since been deleted). It was intended for my other blog and I didn't realize I posted it here until this morning.

To make up for it, I decided to do an entry on a topic I had considered avoiding completely, but think it could be beneficial to get your opinion on.

For the past week I have been volunteering at an elementary school, acting as a mentor to the kids. However, I find that I only really get to work with the kindergartners, who are great but not the age group I wanted to work with. So I contacted the person over the organization I'm with, and she is looking to put me into a high school. "Great!" I thought.

Until I did some research online. The school is historically black, with a ratio of 99% black and 1% other. Here is where my topic fits in. I am less inclined to volunteer at the school because of the fact that it is pretty much all African American.

I'm sure your first thought was "You racist bastard". But the thing is, I'm not racist at all. I have friends of all different backgrounds. But in this situation, things are different for two reasons.

1) Being in an almost black school with kids near my age might be of some trouble for me. I haven't visited the school but I'm sure it's not in a much better neighborhood than the elementary school I was at. I feel as if I will stand out even more than I already do. Also, the kids might interpret me to be stuck up, being the white kid who is there to help the black kids. That's not the impression I want to give at all.

2) I'm volunteering for more than one reason. The main reason is I really want to be an influential part in these kids lives, I feel like working with kindergartners wasn't the best way to go about this because very few of these kids will remember me in 10 years. With high schoolers, it is different. I could make an impact that they will remember for their whole lives. But in a way, I'm also doing this for selfish reasons. I miss being around high schoolers. That (along with middle school) is what I consider the most attractive age group. That being said, I'm not really physically attracted to black guys. Again, that seems like a super racist statement, but to me it's as rare for me as liking a girl (yes, there have been one or two black guys I have found to be attractive).

So my dilemma is, I don't know what to do about volunteering at this school. At first it sounded great, and when on the phone with the organization leader I was thrilled at the opportunity. Someone is supposed to be in touch with me today or tomorrow to talk more about it. But now... I'm not so thrilled about it.

What do you think? Am I being pre-judgemental? Should I give it a chance? Or should I back out while there is still hope (and look into volunteering at one of the many private schools in the area that are mostly white)?

-Tristan

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wet Expectations



Sorry for taking so long yo update since the last entry. I guess I needed time to consider things and see if I really wanted to continue with the blog. Lucky for you I did.

Things are actually going really well, and I owe that all to Jason. I feel like he is the friend I have been looking for since I got here. I feel like I can text him any time to hang out and he's totally okay with it. We have continued our nightly walks around the city and have had some really interesting conversations about girls, sex, and prostitution. Even with all this, I haven't decided if he's gay yet. Although I noticed something that he does that I do as well. he says things like "attractive people" and "date people" instead of saying "attractive girls" and "date girls". Even in situations when most guys would say girls or chicks. Does this mean he is hiding something? Is he bi? Or does he not know yet? Whatever the case, I'm interested.

Something interesting that happened last night was he told me about reading questions on a website where people were asking "weird" things like "What kind of underwear do you prefer?" and "Is it normal to pleasure yourself daily?", as well as the common question "How big are you down there?". Anyways, this was interesting because he had obviously planned to tell me this, it wasn't just a random conversation. It just doesn't seem like something you normally bring up in conversation. I asked if he answered the questions but he said no. I should have said "I'll answer them if you do", but didn't think of that until after. I kind of feel like that's what he was going for when he brought it up, but I can't be sure.

Oh, and about the picture. Well, there is this big fountain in my city and we always see little kids playing in it. But I was feeling adventurous at dinner with Justin, so I said "we should go play in the fountain." At first he was a little hesitant, with a blank stare and "Seriously?". I pursued, and he quickly gave in. We went back to the dorm and changed into our swimsuits (not together, unfortunately). We looked a little funny waiting in the lobby with our swimsuits and towels at 9pm. But we went anyways. On the way there he said "This is the craziest thing I've ever done". I responded by saying "Yeah, well I have a feeling we will do even crazier things as time goes on. We are in college after all".

When we got to the fountain we set our stuff down and took our shirts off and walked towards the fountain. It is near a bunch of really formal restaurants and hotels so we made sure to go in when no one was looking. The water was colder than I expected but not too bad. He started out by blocking one of the shoots of water with his hand, getting me soaked. I grabbed his arms and pushed him towards the center where he was laying back against the heightened part in the middle of the fountain, soaking him (The perfect movie moment would be to push him back until I was on top of him, then kiss him. But not yet...) He laughed then pushed me off of him. We then continued to walk around the fountain until Jason decided to climb up on top of the middle section. It was a big step up. It took him a few tries until he made it. I tried to join him but couldn't pull myself up. So he reached out his hand to pull me up. I grabbed hold, then tried jumping for it. My foot missed and I fell and scraped my side on the way down. It hurt like hell, but the fact that I got to hold his hand made it worth it.

After our "Wet Expectations", we sat on a bench to dry off. We talked about favorite colors. He told me he hated purple (which Mikey told me was his favorite color on me). I know when not to wear my purple shirts then. I'll save those for home. He also mentioned that he wanted to dye his hair bright green. I told him that he should and then "now was the time to experiment". I give so many hints that I'm not sure he picks up on. Or maybe he does, he seems smarter in that department than Mikey.

Anyways, I'm thinking about asking him if he wants to take the bus to a big city nearby Saturday to go shopping. I'm going to wait until Thursday or so to ask him. Just to give him a little break from me. I thought about also looking into getting a hotel, but then figured it was too early for that. But if I ever figure out that he is gay then I'm going all the way haha.

This is the start of a beautiful friendship, that may blossom into something much more pleasurable.

-Tristan

Friday, September 23, 2011

Response: Three-Way



I feel like I needed to dedicate an entry entirely to responding to a specific comment I received on my latest entry. In case you missed it, here is the comment:

I read your blog all the time, I enjoy reading it. At the same time, I think this all needs to stop. There is some sort of huge problem going on here, whether you know it or not. You go from perusing Craigslist for personals to talking about dropping out of college if Mikey wanted you, to this week about Jason and being all with him. First off, you can't love someone after only a week. Second, and I think more importantly, this all seems like a huge infatuation...just with guys in general. You haven't dated a guy or done anything sexual with one (that I know of) so all of these feelings are being triggered by pure infatuation with the idea of being with a guy, doing sexual things with a guy, etc.  
And now that you are allowing the readers here to donate to you...I think it gone way too far. I think you REALLY need to take a step back and think about what you want, what you can get, and especially, what you are doing right now. 
Would any of these people like you still if they knew you had a blog talking about them? Especially talking about how you are accepting money to try and make something happen? This is NOT meant to be mean in any way, I just wanted to put in my advice. We used to talk a long time ago, so (if you think hard) you may be able to figure out who this is. Once again, not trying to be mean, just trying to guide you towards a better path. 

I'm going to respond to it in accordance to the order arguments are presented in the comment.

In response to the Craigslist comment, That was once, probably during my hardest time in college, where I had very few friends and just wanted to find somehow to fit in. I agree it was very stupid on my part, but the way you address it makes it sound like it is now a common thing. Even at the time, I responded to a few postings but I never went far enough into it as to actually intend to meet up. I cried about it later because I realized how stupid it was to even consider that.

The dropping out of college thing was a bit of an exaggeration. I was just comparing how I feel about him to how I feel about Jason. But I have considered going to school someone closer to home, but not only due to Mikey, but being closer to friends in general.

About loving someone after a week, I never once said I loved Jason. I said I liked him a lot, but didn't love him. The only person I've ever admitted to "loving" is Mikey, and that's because I honestly have those feelings for him. His feelings may not be as strong as mine, but he has some for me as well, which is apparent by his actions towards me when we are together. But with Jason, I'm just thinking about the future. I don't attend on pursuing anything relationship-wise with him for a while. Only when it seems appropriate.

I have addressed the infatuation issue in an entry before, but never have I considered it an infatuation with guys in general. If this was the case, I would be flailing over every guy I saw. Sure, there are many guys I find attractive, but I'm not infatuated with them. The only guys I admit to ever being infatuated with are Blake (because he was such an opposite person to me and there was no way anything would ever happen between us), and somewhat Mikey (but he fuels the infatuation, so it's not entirely my fault). But still, what I have with Jason is not an infatuation. I just really enjoy spending time with him, is there anything wrong with that? And the idea about it being sexual is completely wrong. I have never once considered anything sexual with Jason. You sound like Mikey, accusing all gay guys to only be concerned with sex and not able to feel love for someone. If you feel it is al about sex then you haven't been reading my blog very carefully.

Now for the donations: It is not required. I'm just trying to raise funds for the trip. What is different from doing this to selling baked goods on the street raising money? I am providing a product (the writing within this blog) and trying to raise money to "improve" the product. Plus, you make it sound like I'm desperately requesting donations. That's not the case at all. I just asked a general question if anyone would like to help out please do. Do you think that I'm upset that I haven't received any donations? Not at all. If anyone else is offended by me requesting donations let me know and I will get rid of it all together.

Of course the people wouldn't still like me if they knew I was writing about them. That is why I do it anonymously and don't include every single detail. I never planned on them finding out about it, and if there were any chance that they might find it I would end the blog totally. My purpose isn't to expose them but to provide a story that others can relate to or just read for their enjoyment.

I realize that we know each other, and you have been aware of my blog since it was under a different name and you know who I am personally. To be perfectly honest, this scares me. Only because I know that you could very easily expose who I am to everyone. But if you only knew how many people have emailed me telling me how much my blog has meant to them and how it has been a comfort in their life knowing that they aren't alone, then you would never consider that option. I write to help those who are going through similar things as me, with my feelings and attractions. I know at one point we seemed to share these attractions, but having not talked to you in a year or so I'm not sure if yours have changed. But in any case, it is hard enough struggling with it on my own, but with the people I like involved it makes things much more complicated. Mikey knows I like him, and he also knows I'm attracted to younger guys. But not in detail. This blog isn't meant for him or Jason or anyone else I have mentioned. I would hope that you would keep what I say in this blog between us, not only for myself but for those who avidly read it as well.

I feel like I have addressed all issues presented in your comment. If anyone else feels the same way that this commenter does then please let me know. Especially about the donations. Like I said, maybe it was a bad idea. Also, if you feel this blog "exposes" those mentioned too much then let me know that too. I will see what I can do to change things.

I'm sorry,
Tristan

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Three-Way



If you have read the character page lately, you may have noticed a name that I have not mentioned yet among the list. That name is Jason. There isn't a particular reason I haven't spoken of him until now other than I feel I will use a lot of space talking about him.

I met Jason at a Scavenger Hunt two weeks ago that my residence hall put on that only 3 of us showed up to, the other being my friend visiting from my hometown. He was really quiet, which I understand since my friend and I were so close, he may have felt like the outsider. But we definitely included him in everything. Other than Lyle, he's the most attractive guy I have seen at college so far. He looks about 16 and has green eyes that actually look very similar to mine. Which is weird because I usually don't compare others features to mine. But I think they are very attractive (I'm not bragging about my own eyes, but I do consider them my best feature). But anyways, after the scavenger hunt I told him I would add him on Facebook and tag him in the pictures.

I got back to my room afterwards and immediately looked for him on Facebook. Nothing... the only people that shared his name lived on the other side of the country. I emailed him about it (searching through the school contacts) and he responded in a couple days by sending my a friend request. Apparently he has it entirely private and only had 80 something friends and no new statuses since like April. I messaged him thanking him for adding me and said we should hang out some time. No response. I forgot about it, but couldn't get him off my mind. After a few days I emailed him again with my phone number telling him to text me, since that was the probably the best way to stay in touch. It wasn't until Sunday that he actually texted me saying he's sorry he hasn't checked Facebook in a while.

I was feeling daring, so I asked if he wanted to have dinner with me and a friend. He said yes. We met in the lobby then went in my friend's car to a Chinese restaurant. He was still quiet, but more talkative than he was at the scavenger hunt. He seemed to have fun and I was sad when it was over.

I forgot to mention that several times before this I had seen him sitting alone in the cafeteria but was too nervous to approach him. So as I was telling him goodbye, I told him that if he ever needed someone to eat with to text me and I would gladly go. I should have stopped it there, but I rambled on.

"Even if I've already ate I'll come back to the cafeteria to sit with you."

A little much for only our second day of knowing each other, I know. But I knew how it felt to sit alone and it wasn't fun. This would benefit both he and I. He seemed like the type that had very few friends here like me so I wanted to make the best of the situation.

Instead of going into detail into each event that happened between Sunday and today, I will just tell you how things are as of now.

We have been taking nightly walks around the city for the past 3 or 4 days after dinner together. We have talked about virtually everything and know a lot about each other in this short time. I even invited him to the Gay-Straight-Alliance meeting tonight, which he gladly agreed to come. It was a little awkward because it seemed like they constantly referred to all of us as LGBT, even though they usually include straight in that. But Jason didn't seem to mind. What made it worse was after the meeting this random guy ran up to us saying "Ohhh my goddd, more gay guys at the GSA meeting! What are your names??" It was so awkward. Once he walked away I apologized to Jason saying usually there aren't this many weird people here and it's usually a more laid back meeting (today we argued about stereotypes and there was a lot of tension in the room). But he said he still enjoyed it.

Do I like him? Yes... a lot. Is he gay? Well... I don't know. And I don't want to mess up the friendship we do have by asking. We talked about relationships tonight while walking and he said he dated a girl in 6th grade for two weeks but that's it. But we didn't talk much more about it.

By the way, nightly walks around my city are like the #1 most romantic thing to do in my city. It's very beautiful. I always imagine our walks a date, and would love to reach over and hold his hand. I don't want to rush things, but then again we got pretty close in less than a week, who knows what could happen in the next one.

The only thing I worry about is if we do get into a relationship, I'm not sure if I could be 100% committed to him because I will still have Mikey on my mind. I guess that might fade with time, but if Mikey were to call me this instant and tell me he was wrong all along and he truly loved me, I would drop out of college, pack my bags, and go back to him this instant. But since that is almost never going to happen, I won't expect that. I don't plan on mentioning much of anything to Mikey though since he might become jealous.

I guess this is what you call a love triangle? I'm not sure but it sure makes things more interesting, especially to you. Even though you don't know much about Jason, do you think he would be a better fit for me? Sure, he's 18. But he looks no more than 16 and still qualifies as "boyish" for me, especially when he is clean shaven. Of course, Mikey is more physically attractive, but I think Justin has a more appealing personality. And that's more important than looks, isn't it?

It may also be worth mentioning that while my feelings upon first meeting Jason were pretty strong, I wasn't awestruck like I was when I first saw Mikey. Mikey grabbed my heart instantly, but Jason has gradually grown on me. I can't say I love him yet, but I think I really like him.

-Tristan

PS: If the last half of this entry seems rushed, it's because I had the whole thing typed up but when I tried to add a picture it froze and the draft only saved the first half. Figures...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Make It Happen



You may have noticed a new button on the right side of the page that says "Donate". No, I'm not trying to scam you into paying for my prostitutes, I actually have a legitimate reason for asking for your donations. Here is how it works...

So if you have been reading my blog for a while, you may have noticed that the summer before my Senior year I went on a school trip to various locations throughout Europe. Well the same teacher who took us on the trip sent out an email about the next one, the Summer of 2012.

Why should you care? Well, I'm not the only one interested in this trip. Mikey is as well. He was really excited about it, but when Dylan told him he no longer wanted to go he lost encouragement to go. So I stepped in. I haven't told him this yet, but I really want to go as well. I'm almost certain if he knows that I plan on going that he will want to as well.

Now, I'm not guaranteeing that anything will happen between us. But for 2 weeks away from home, away from friends, and constant time together, something is bound to happen. And since I hold nothing back in this blog, you would get exclusive details as to what might become of Mikey and I during this trip.

What am I asking? Well in general, nothing. My issue is that the trip is far above what I can afford and I do not have the luxury of relying on my grandfather to pay for it this year. The total comes out to be about $5,000 for each person. Now before you freak out, I DO NOT expect to raise all $5,000 from donations. But every little contribution helps. I am not asking new readers to donate. That would be completely unfair to them. But for those of you who have been reading and appreciate the effort I have put into this blog, I do ask that you at least consider donating a few dollars.

Now, you may also be wondering what happens if plans do not fall through and Mikey does not chose to go to Europe. I will not take the money you guys have donated to use to go alone. All of your donations will be sent to a charity to be determined (either something to support LGBTQ teens or to help children in some way). So even if I do not raise enough money to go to Europe, your money will be going to a great cause and I will find some way to prove to you that I actually donated it. As I said earlier, I'm not trying to rip you off. I'm just opening up the possibility for an "expanded adventure" between Mikey and I.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will keep an updated count of how much I have raised so far on the site.

Click the button in the sidebar or HERE to donate. All transactions are through a secure service (PayPal) and none of your financial information will be revealed to me. Only your name and amount donated.

Thank you, and I look forward to hopefully sharing this adventure with you.

-Tristan Skyler

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Worth 1,000 Words



I tried... I honestly did. I haven't thought about Mikey much at all over the past 3 days. Sure he crossed my mind every now and then, but overall I managed to keep my mind from wandering back to him.

But seeing him tagged on Facebook in a picture from last night made my feelings come back, and they hit me hard. Maybe because it was the most attractive photo of him I've ever seen, or maybe it was just from any inkling that he's still out there. I instantly picked up my phone and called him.

He answered, but was very untalkative, with only "yeah" and "no" answers to everything I said. After about a minute he said "hold on, I have another call". Odd, every other time he's gotten another call I could hear the beeping. But I went along with it.

"Okay, please call me back."

I've been through this before, and while I wasn't expecting to ever get a call back, I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe he would just this once consider my feelings.

But nope.

It's been an hour now. No call. I don't know what to do. This time last week I called and he was at the movies and told me he would call me back afterwards. It never happened.

What the fuck is happening? When I first went away to college, he was calling me every night, and we talked for a long time each call. Now it seemslike he is trying his best to avoid me. Is it because of his friends? Or is what Dylan saying really true and has Mikey really changed? Of course, Dylan sees it as a good thing, but I see it as terrible. I'ts been a year and one month now since I first met Mikey, and I can honestly say I fell in love with him over the summer. And now, does he expect me to just give all that up?

It's not like I don't want to. I mean, life would be so much easier not having to worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and if he's thinking about me. Being in love with someone is so much harder when they don't love you back. And if the saying is accurate, True love is never lost. I have tried many techniques to stop thinking about him, but it's just too hard. Why did we have to get so close over the summer and all of a sudden just let it go? Did he really not have any feelings for me at all and just acted like he did?

So I've decided, I will call him back either later tonight or tomorrow, and ask him where we stand. I'm sick of just pretending and assuming that he likes me. I'm going to flat out say to him "Look, I get the feeling you are trying to avoid talking to me. Do you not want to be friends any more or anything?"

Sure, I know the answer will hurt if it's negative. But at least it keeps me from hoping that he does want to remain friends but not knowing. I'm not saying that this will make me let him go, but it might make that process come quicker.

I just don't know what would make him not want to be anymore. It can't be my sexuality, because I told him that back in April. Could it be Dylan, Justin, and Nemo convinving him to avoid me in fear that I will turn him gay? If I could turn him gay I would have done that a long time ago.

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just expressing what is on my mind right now in hopes that writing it all out will clear the thoughts from my head.

I can't remain ignorant, I need to know the truth. Or will the truth make me even more ignorant by not accepting the truth?

Who knows....

-Tristan

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Freak Show Place Like Home


Okay, don't blame me for the bad title. There wasn't much of a way to combine "Freak Show" and "There's No Place Like Home", but you get the picture.

At the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on Thursday, another meeting that took place on Tuesday nights was mentioned. They didn't talk much about it, but I asked on Facebook and found out that it was kind of a support group for LGBTQ teens (middle school - college). It was sounding more interesting by the minute. Not only would there be other gay guys that I could become friends with, but young ones as well! I told them I would "try" to come, meaning I would wait impatiently for it.

So Tuesday came, and after a long day of classes, I had dinner with a friend I had met in my philosophy class. While waiting to meet her in front of the drink machine in the cafeteria, I saw out of the corner of my eye a familiar face... it was Lyle. He was at the salad bar. My friend met me there and we proceeded to find a seat. After we did, I told her I would be right back. I saw Lyle take a seat at the bar alone...perfect. Now was my chance to be a good friend and invite him to sit with us. I started walking towards him but without noticing me he stood up, grabbed his plate, and began to move to a different table. I backed off a bit, and followed him across the cafeteria. He started to sit at another bar, but turned again and went to a table on the far side, still alone. I stopped by another drink machine and poured another glass of limonade just to make it seem like I had a purpose to be there and "just happened" to see him. I approached him from the side, instead of from behind which might startle him. However he didn't look up at me until I began speaking.

"Hey man, do you want to come sit with us?"
"Oh hey. What?"
"My friend and I are sitting over here, you can join us if you want"
"Oh, no thanks I am in a hurry anyways, I have something after this"
"Oh... okay. Well we are over here if you change your mind. See you around!"
"Thanks man, I appreciate it. Bye!"

Okay, even though we didn't get to sit together I felt very proud of myself for approaching him. And I'm pretty sure he was lying about being in a hurry because he was embarrassed about eating alone (trust me, I've been in the same situation and said the same thing).

Anyways, after dinner I headed to the meeting. It was being held at a church, but I wasn't sure where in the church so I hung around behind the bank next door (I know, what a loser) until I saw people walking in. Well, about 5 minutes passed and the only people I had seen enter were an old lady with a purse the size of a great dane, and a midget old man. I followed the midget (is little person more politically correct?) into the church, where I was greeted by a black lady in gospel singer regalia. I was definitely in the wrong place...

"Excuse me, do you know where the umm....meeting for....uh....."
Hey, you try talking to a church member about a meeting for gays. It isn't easy.

She realized what I was asking about and happily pointed out the direction to the building it was in. I thanked her. That could have gone a lot worse.

When I entered the room there were 3 guys there and a lady sitting in a circle. At first they all looked at me strangely, so I asked if this was where the meeting was. I again didn't specify which meeting it was, just in case it was instead a meeting of the "Anti-Gay Alliance". Hey, I gotta play it safe. I come from a town where any public speak about being gay results in a riot. Okay maybe not that bad, but still.

They told me yes and that I was in the right place. As a few minutes passed more people began to enter the room. Sadly, I think I was the only new member there so they all kind of seemed shy around me. Plus I was sweating like a pig even though I later discovered that the room was only like 60 degrees. But what fascinated me the most was the variety of people there. There was one flamboyantly gay guy, 3 or so lesbians with hairy legs and boyish haircuts, a girl wearing all black who sat outside of the circle, 3 guys that were normal looking (one of which was very cute, an 11th grader in high school), and this one girl who had a beard. I'm not joking. Not only that but she had thick hair on her legs and arms. At first I assumed it was a guy dressed as a girl, but when she talked I realized it was definitely a girl. There were more people there, but these are the ones that stuck out o me the most.

I won't discuss too much about what went on in the meeting, since the point of it is kind of like to be a sharing zone where nothing leaves the room. But our topic of the week was anxiety and we did a lot of exercises to control our thoughts. I went into this meeting for the soul purpose of meeting cute guys, but I really think I will get a lot from it. I didn't share too much, but I did mention that I have been worrying a lot about my last impressions with people back hom before I left for college and what they will think of me when I come back. I think I will open up more and more as time goes on. I'm really happy I found out about this because it could be a great group of friends that I can really connect with and help out. Especially the cute 11th grader. If anything interesting happens with him at the next meeting I will give him a name.

Well, I'm sitting in the library because I wanted to avoid my roommates and the smell of cocaine in my room, but I didn't realize until i got here that my battery was almost dead. As of now I have 17 minutes left. That should be enough time to find a picture for this entry and to post it.

I'll keep you updated. I hope you find this as interesting as I do.

Love,
Tristan

Monday, September 12, 2011

He's Cute...WAIT!

(This was originally a black and white photo. Yes, be jealous of my editing skills.)

So this entry is somewhat of a mix between a daily update and a specialized topic. But whichever the case, it involves some interaction from you guys. I would prefer if you commented on the entry, but if for whatever reason you don't feel comfortable, you can always email me at Tristan@TristanTalks.com

I went to my first Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) meeting on Thursday. There was no way I was going alone, so I met up with my friend Howie (who is gay) and went with him. I was a little nervous, not knowing what to expect since we didn't have one in high school, but I figured it would be a good place to meet cool friends... and cute guys.

When we first got there we were led upstairs by a couple girls who were sitting outside the house the meeting was taking place at. Once in the room, there was a semicircle of chairs, which were almost all taken. We were welcomed by what appeared to be one of the most attractive guys I have seen in college (aside from Lyle). He had the appearance of a 13-year-old boy. Smooth skin, short hair, deep voice, boobs. Wait...what?? Yep, it turns out the leader of the GSA is actually a girl. A 20-year-old lesbian to be exact. But wow. If she got a boob job (to remove them) she could pass as a younger boy any day.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the picture for this entry is of a Dutch model named Kim Noorda. It's a chick.

So my dilemma is, is it wrong for me to find her attractive? Does it make me bi? Straight? To be honest I wouldn't mind dating her (other than the fact that she's into other girls). She obviously lowers her voice on purpose, but she sounds like a boy just beginning puberty, where it's still high but has a deeper pitch. Like Mikey's when I first met him, and still somewhat today.

Let me know what you think about this. Am I attracted to boyish looks instead of men? If so, does that make me neither gay or straight?

- Tristan (or Trista for all you know)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Fantasy vs. Reality


Ahh, Peter Pan. The perfect Boy-lover role model. But to be honest I never grew up with that story. Instead I grew up with Cartoons like Blue's Clues and Little Bear. I even managed to avoid all the Michael Jackson drama as I was growing up. It wasn't until after he died (soon after I turned 16) that I began researching about him because I realized my interests and views of the world seemed to be very similar to his. That's when I read into the story of Peter Pan and it became such a strong fantasy of mine that I wanted very badly to become true. A never-ending childhood. Could there be a more perfect heaven?

Anyways, that's just a subplot to get into the main subject of this entry. As most of you know, I have been having a difficult time with this transition into college. I find myself spending a lot of time alone and wishing I had more friends. But that's not my biggest issue. With this longing for friend has come longing for sexual relationships. Something that I have never been so set on pursuing in my life. I blame craigslist. It makes it so easy to find someone your age who is wanting what you are.

Anyways, I found myself browsing the site several times over the past few weeks, even responding to a few posters. I always said to them that I only wanted to j/o together and maybe some oral. I even planned to meet up with this 45 year old guy but changed my mind at the last minute because I realized I didn't want to lose my "virginity" (even if its just oral) to some random guy I don't know, let alone an older guy. 

The fantasies in my head from reading these ads and looking at the pictures from guys my age are very exciting. Of course, I would rather the guys be younger but there aren't any sites for that, legal ones anyways. But when I think of someone sucking me off, it seems almost too good. But is it really that much better than masturbating, especially when it's with someone you don't know? Not to mention the worry that will come after about what possible diseases I could have caught.

The only reason I mention this is I want to know what has gotten into me all of a sudden? Why am I considering such things that once seemed repulsive to me? No, I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy in college, but I really want it to be with someone I know, trust, and LOVE. Neither of the three can be found on craigslist. Then why do I find myself there every evening?

What do you suggest I do to avoid these sexual urges? Are the fantasies in my head much greater than these "casual encounters" would be?

Tristan (Still a Virgin) Skyler

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Freaking Weekend




“It’s been a long time since I came around, it’s been a long time but I’m back in town…”

That’s right, as I mentioned earlier I decided to take this weekend as an opportunity to head home. I didn’t have a definite reason, but I used helping Mikey and Dylan with a video as an excuse. But another reason was probably because I felt like I needed a break from college life. I needed to escape the “loneliness” I was experiencing, whether it was true loneliness or not.

Friday as soon as I got back in town, I went to Lilly’s going away party. Early last week she came to my school for a college tour that I attended with her. I felt a little funny since I was already a student but it was nice to be with her. Yes, I somehow still have feelings for her. I know, I can’t explain it either.

At her party I got to see one of my best friends as well as a few other friends from drama. They all seemed genuinely happy to see me and eager to hear about how college was going. But that wasn’t the best part. Lilly’s 12-year-old brother Greyson was there. Yes, I used a picture of Greyson Chance for this entry because he bares a strong resemblance to the singer, except I find him more attractive than Chance. I was in a play with him once but never really talked to him. I’ve also heard that he is a huge fan of me (from YouTube). When I first got there he sat quietly in his chair. I’m not sure how much he was talking before, but he seemed really shy around me. I sat around talking to the group for a while but then Greyson said the first words I had heard from him, “Tristan, tell them your roommate story”. I asked “Which one?” with a smirk. “The first night he was there, him coming home late at night… yeah I heard about that”. I’m guessing Lilly or her mom told him about my roommate pissing all over the floor. So I told the story.

On a couple other occasions throughout the night he brought up other things that had been happening in my life. It was weird because he seemed to know more than the others about how college has been treating me. But I didn’t mind at all. He also asked if I was going to keep making videos in college and I told him I would really try and maybe I would dedicate a video to him in the future. He seemed really excited by that. I think I may have to do it just to make him feel special. While the others teased him about not going through puberty (he just turned 12, I have no idea why this even came up), I told him to enjoy it while it lasts because puberty isn’t fun. He has a little hair on his legs and a tiny bit on his upper lip. But that’s it. He also likes coming across as “innocent” and “adorable”. I like it too.

Saturday I went to lunch with two other friends, but this was more as a pastime until Mikey called me. I was already a little upset with him because he decided to go to a volleyball game Friday night when he told me that he would be free. At around 1 I called him only to be told “I can’t do anything this weekend”. Knowing how his plans tend to change, I didn’t instantly get upset. I went home and took a nap.

At 3, Mikey called and woke me. He told me I could come get him and Dylan now. With no hesitation, I did. When I got there I called him and he told me to come in, but I noticed his mom’s car was in the driveway so I decided to ring the doorbell to not come across as “rude”. He opened the door then walked away saying “What the fuck did you not understand about coming in, I was in the middle of a game?”. Wow, what a wonderful greeting. They finished the game and then got in my car.

No need to really explain the details because things seemed to be like they usually are when Mikey is around Dylan, always trying to come across as more “macho”.  He even told me that he didn’t call earlier because he was watching a movie. But it’s funny, when he was writing the lyrics to the song on my laptop he sat extremely close to me on the couch and if Dylan had looked he would have noticed Mikey was obviously way past the “guy range” in our distance from each other. But he didn’t. Instead Dylan continued the usual asking about what I liked about guys and gave the usual answer that “You’re not gay”. He also asked me how often I think he should shave his crotch. I tried to answer that as “straightly” as possible. He also asked if I would suck a guy’s dick, and I said “yeah if I liked them enough”. “Yeah, you definitely are gay because a straight guy would never say that”. Duh. He asked if I would suck Mikey’s dick but I said no, only because I didn’t want Mikey to react badly. He also did the usual teasing of Mikey about being gay, and AS USUAL Mikey got mad at him but never denied it. I find that really interesting.

At around 6:00 Dylan told Mikey he wanted to go to a football game and a girl that Mikey liked would be there. So obviously Mikey was equally as excited to go, even though Dylan showed me a text from the girl saying she didn’t like him. They told me they would come back to my house when the game was over. For some reason I highly doubted this.

At about 11:30 I started noticing statuses on Facebook about us winning the game so I called him and asked where he was. He said the girls he was with wanted to go streaking at Wal-Mart. I tried my best to convince him not to do it and I think I talked some sense into him. They barely knew these girls and the girls were freshmen. What sluts. Anyways, he told me that he and Dylan would just come over early Sunday morning (at 8am) to work more.

So Sunday came, I woke up at 7:20 and took a quick shower. I called Mikey at 8, no answer. I called Dylan but his phone was off. I called Mikey again and he answered, obviously having just woke up. I asked him if they were ready for me to come. Mikey said Dylan wouldn’t wake up and that he was too tired and was going back to sleep. I sat on the phone in silence with him for like 2 minutes and just said “fine, but I leave at 3”. He promised he would call me as soon as he woke up.

Obviously that didn’t happen. I still haven’t heard from him since then and I’m half way back to school. But whatever. I must have been at the very bottom of his priorities this weekend, even though he knew I was mainly coming back for him. He didn’t even say bye to me Saturday because he swore he would be back.

I guess I will take this as a learning experience and a crucial step to letting him go, even though I want so badly not to. I have been trying to keep my mind off of him, and I’m not going to call him again until he calls me. If he wants to ditch me like that then it’s fine with me.

“This time I (am) leaving without you”

-Tristan Skyler