Friday, July 16, 2010

Letting Go

ALAS! I have returned! From where you say? Well, from the land of laziness and insignificant hopes. No but really, I'm sorry for the HUGE gap between this entry and my last. But to be honest, you haven't really missed that much (if there is anyone out there who still reads this thing anyways).

On July 1st, I embarked on an adventure that would truly be known as my greatest vacation ever. I went with a group from school to London, Paris, Switzerland, Florence, and Rome. But I'm not here to tell you about the trip, this is more about the people that went. There were 17 of us that went, the majority of those being adults. There were 4 boys that went. Out of those 4 boys, one was bisexual (me) and one was gay (We will call him Thomas). I've known Thomas for a few years but I was not certain that he was gay until this past school year. I've never been in a class with him but he is really into drama, just like me. Sadly though, he graduated this year. Meaning this trip was my last chance to finally connect with him. Which we did, but not in a manner that I would have liked. All of us that went on the trip became really close friends. However, Thomas never hinted towards his sexuality on this trip. But neither did I. I wish he knew that I was gay (we will get into why I say "gay" later). But I'm almost certain he has a boyfriend. Actually I know he does, but I don't see that relationship lasting much longer since his boyfriend is going to a different college as him. I would never try to interfere with their relationship, but I think that if he and I had bonded more on this trip it would have made it even more meaningful.

On the last night of the trip, I had a really deep discussion with my two roommates, none of which were Thomas. However, he was the topic of discussion. One of the guys asked if he was gay, I immediately said yes. We got to discussing our opinions on gay people and one of the people said that they were okay with gay people, they just thought it was weird when two guys in high school dated and they thought that being gay was something that didn't truly happen until you were in your mid to late twenties. I spoke up and said that when you are gay you always know it, from the time you begin to be interested in anything sexually. I continued to share my thoughts and feelings on the issue when one of the guys said "Wow, you sure do know a lot about being gay". My response "Well....I just know what it's like". There was a REALLY awkward pause. After what seemed like hours of silence I said "I've known I've been interested in guys since I was in about 6th grade". Once I made that statement the awkwardness stopped. They were totally accepting of it. This was the first time I've come out to someone (in this case 2 people) in person. What's even weirder is that I had only known them for 11 days. But the fact that they weren't weirded out (yet shocked) made me feel really comfortable around them. We continued to talk about it and they asked me questions, and then our thoughts diverted to other topics.

But back to the topic of this entry. From this point on I am LETTING GO of my past crushes. Thomas has gone off to college, I'll never see him again so what's the point of liking him. Yes, I still have feelings for him but I think once I get my mind off of him those feelings will die out. And Blake........well I am going to try and let him go. Which is easy for now since I haven't seen him in over a month. However if I do have a class with him next year my attraction and desire for him will reawaken. But for now I'm putting him out of my mind and thoughts. I'll still keep an eye on his Facebook though and see if he uploads any more sexy pictures to add to my "Blake" folder. Ummm.... you didn't hear that.

You know how I am about labelling myself, and before this point I have labelled myself as bisexual. However, lately I have been pretty set on the fact that I am closer to the gay hemisphere. But I'm not to the point where I can say I'm 100% gay. Cause to be honest. Well, here's where I stand on the Gaydometer:

Straight-----------Bisexual-------ME---Gay


So was considering myself bisexual a lie? No, not at all. In fact I think these are all building blocks for me to determine my sexuality. A more appropriate title for me would be Sexually Confused. But the thing is, I'm not letting this confusion control my life. I will be open to whatever strange and oblique paths my attractions take me, and will not limit myself to a stereotypical label such as Straight, Bi, or Gay.

Toodles for now, I will try to be more on-task with updating this Diary. Thank you to those who still read. You guys make this so much more enjoyable.

Take care,
Tristan

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