Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You Build Me Up, You Break Me Down

Wow, what an eventful past two three days. I should have kept you up to date day by day, but this should work okay.

So rewind back to Sunday. I was on Facebook and saw that this gay guy posted a link to formspring. Yes I know him in person, and yes I know he is gay. He's a freshman, but he seems smart and has similar interests as me. Anyways, I decided to go on and ask him some questions. I asked if he was gay, what attracted him most to guys, and if there was a way I could talk to him. So obviously, I made a fake email address with another name and wrote him. He told me that he's been out to his parents and friends since the beginning of the school year. Even though I kept telling him I didn't want to reveal any information about who I was, he kept guessing and asking questions about me. At one point after he asked my hobbies he made a stab at who I was, and he was right. I just told him no, and to stop asking those questions. I don't know how he got it. Apparantly I'm the only white guy at our school who likes acting and photography, lol. We continued to talk, and I explained to him about how I felt more attracted to guys but still had strong emotional connections to girls. He agreed. Later he said he had to go to bed so he gave me his number. I told him if I texted him he could just call my phone and get my voicemail which had my name, so I was like nooo.

So now it's Monday. I had to go to an awards thing after school and decided to wait until I got home before I emailed him. When I got back, he had already emailed me. I responded, then he sent me this...

 ... and i have your identity . I guessed it before but now I have it! Don't deny it! You know I'm right . Hence why I'm so smart. I figured it out by how you write. Your grammer. It's unique. I then went on your page compared them. Dude I thought you were gay when I saw you lol. It's all cool though . 

So yeah, he caught me. I made the bold move and told him he was right, and began talking to him on Facebook but then he gave me his number again so we texted. We texted for over 2 hours, and I really thought it was going somewhere. We talked about YouTube videos, school, music, interests, and lots of other stuff. But then I saw a conversation he had been having with a girl that he posted on Facebook. 

(OF COURSE, When I FINALLY finish this entry, it doesn't publish and the draft only saved up until this point. Sorry if I rush through this, but I'm not spending another 45 minutes retyping it all).

Anyways, the girl asked if he had heard from the guy that had been emailing him and he said yes and that he had found out who it was but it was a "total let down" and "wasted time of my life" and that he would tell her who it was tomorrow. I was really upset about this. First, I hated knowing that he considered me a "let down". Second, he promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone who I was. I texted him, saying "Oh, and sorry I was a 'let down' (Facebook)". About five minutes later  he responded telling me that it was about someone else, some guy at some other school wh o was bi and had been emailing him. I didn't believe him for a second, but decided not to call BS and just accept it, but I told him that if he didn't want to talk to me anymore that was ok. He responded, telling me to chill and it really wasn't about me. Again, still not believing him, I dropped it and we continued to talk until he had to go to bed.

I was really excited, yet still weary about it all. I had that nervous feeling in my stomach. I just admitted so much to someone I barely know other than the fact that he is gay. There was still the chance that he was being honest when he told me that the status conversation wasn't about me. I guess I would just have to wait until Tuesday to find out what happens next....

Nothing...absolutely nothing. No texts, facebook chats, emails, no coming and speaking to me at school (I didn't even see him), nothing. I wasn't expecting him to come up to me and ask to make out or anything, but just a text saying "hey" would have been enough to let me know that he was interested. Not even in a relationship sense of the word, I would just like to be friends with someone in person who felt the same way as I did. And if he did, then maybe we could try dating. I was told by a friend that this was a "desperate" move, but honestly I'm not desperate. I didn't go into this seeking a relationship, but then again I do only like him because he's gay. I wouldn't call it desperate, but I definitely agree that it's wrong. I don't like him like I like Blake. There is no attraction to him other than the fact that he is gay and that he is sort of cute. But I just wanted this to turn into something. I'm not sure what exactly, but I wanted it to work out. I don't know what he will do with what he knows about me. I still don't even know that he's NOT interested, I just know that he hasn't attempted to make any contact with me since he found out who I was besides the rest of our texts that evening. But now I just feel like I exposed myself entirely to a complete stranger. He's holding a loaded gun to my head, and I'm the helpless victim. With my biggest secret in his hands, he gets to choose what he does with it. He can either pull the trigger, or let me go unharmed. I guess we'll all find out soon...

We shall call him... Alejandro.

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