Thank you to the two of you who commented. I agree with what you are saying about being very reserved with Ron and not changing. I never planned on changing anyways. We were walking around the graveyard again last Wednesday and he was telling me more about his girlfriend problems and he made a comment (I forgot what it was) but in my response I had to bring up the gay thing. Oh I remember now. He was talking about how some guys think about sex all the time and I told him that I'm not like that but there is someone on my mind a lot. Then he was like "why don't you just tell her you like her" and I responded "It's a lot more complicated than that". He was confused and I told him "remember what I told you the other night? I can't tell them because they aren't like me and don't feel the way I feel". He then caught on and quickly changed the subject like he was uncomfortable. Not that I wasn't, but I just wish I could talk to someone about it in person. Oddly though, later he was talking about this guy in my troop who apparently has had lots of girlfriends and said "it's not like he's good looking" and then asked me "Who do you think looks better, me or him?". I told him that he was better looking. I was quite surprised that he asked that because that's something you don't normally ask a guy. I don't know, he probably wasn't even thinking about the gay/bi thing at the time.
But anyways, I wanted to focus this entry on constructing a letter to Blake that I will never send. I want to type out m feelings for him in the way that I would really do it if I knew that he knew. This is gonna get a little personal, but why not?
I wanted to write you this note because I know we do not talk much in person. I'm not sure exactly what my reason for writing you is but I'll keep going anyways, haha. I just wanted to tell you that I have really enjoyed getting to know you this semester. I know we aren't exactly friends in the way I want to be, but it's not like we don't have any other chances. Since the first day of class I realized something was special about you that I don't see in many guys. I don't mean that in a weird way, haha. I just didn't know anyone in that class except one person and was worried about who I would be sitting next to and when I saw the teacher point you to the seat beside me I was very relieved. Hey, you know how scary some of the people in that class are?? Anyways, we didn't talk much for the first few days, but I learned a lot about you through the PowerPoint we had to create at the very beginning of the year. Yes, I still remember that. I saw how you copied my words to describe myself, and I liked it, haha. Anyways, you have no idea how upset I was when the teacher moved you across the room. I was torn up over that for several days. I was really hoping we would become friends and it felt like she took that chance away from my for no reason. I added you a few days later on Facebook just so I might have the chance to still talk to you. Thank you for accepting the friend request and chatting with me all the times you have. Every time I see that you have sent me a message my heart pounds and I try to make our conversations last as long as possible. However, lately you have been acting differently. I've noticed how you seem to be less concerned with doing your work. I heard you tell someone yesterday that you had a 63 in math. It really hurt me and I was hoping you were exaggerating. You have so much potential dude. I hate to see you have a bad start to your time in high school. I know it seems like you have a long way to go, but as a Freshman you are developing habits that will stick with you throughout your life. If you slack off and think it is okay to make grades like that then you will never push yourself to improve. I know your friends think it is funny when you tell them you make grades like that and make them laugh, but what is even more impressive is when you say you have a good grade in something. It makes others proud of the work you have done and see that you have dedication to school. Your future right now may seem far off but it really isn't. I'm already a Junior and it seems like just the other day I was a freshman. It goes by way too fast and soon enough you will have to decide what you want to do with your life. I'm not giving up on you because even though we aren't the best of friends, I have observed you throughout this semester and see how you can do good if you stay focussed. I see a lot of qualities in you that are so important to keep with you. My original intent with this letter has changed as I have written it. I want to be your friend, and I want to be the one you go to for advice. I really care about you, in a way that I've never cared about anyone else besides myself. Please accept my offer of friendship, not through Facebook this time but as a true friend that you can rely on. I know you probably already have plenty, but I have a feeling that we can help each other in many more ways than we think.
Ughh, as I was writing that I was thinking about how I would really send it to him, but there's no way that is going to happen. We aren't close enough for that. I originally planned on it being a "letter" declaring my love for him but it changed it's purpose to serve as a request for friendship instead. I wonder what his reaction would be if I really sent him this. I guess we will never find out.
What are your opinions on love letters? How do you think he would respond to this one?