Monday, May 3, 2010

Coming Out #2

Ok, so this was completely Unexpected but it happened anyways. I was talking to Ron last night about how I was losing interest in scouts and he kept asking questions about why and I became more and more honest and eventually just said "I don't think lke most guys, I'm not interested in hunting or fiushing, or even girls". That's where the trouble began. After a lot of explaining myself I eventually said "I know where you are trying to go with this, and if you have something to say then say it". Then he asked, "I think I know something about you, but don't get mad". He asked if it had anything to do with being gay. I told him I didn't feel comfortable discussing that with him but he eventually talked me into sharing. But then his chat started messing up as soon as I typed out a long, well thought out summary of how I am. He told me to send it as a message, so I did...

i dont consider myself gay, but i dont necessarily consider myself straight. in fact, i don't like having only those two set definitions for sexuality. No, i'm not sexually attracted to girls, but i feel i can grow emotionally attached to them and like them for their personality, and build a relationship from that. but i am more physically attracted to guys, but not necessarily their mindset or their personality. so i would not say i'm really bi, because i like both genders for different reasons, but if i ever met a guy with a great personality then i would not be afraid to try and build a relationship off of that if he felt the same.

I sent that but he never logged back on to check it, so this morning I sent him the following message:

I assume you had to go last night and that's your reason for not replying. I just wanted to let you know that I trust you with that information and hope you would not share it with anyone. If you do and I eventually find out, I would be forced to cut off our friendship. I hope that what I told you last night does not change anything between us and doesn't affect our friendship. If you have any questions about it or comments don't hesitate to ask or make them.

He came on this evening and asked if he could call me but I convinced him that I would be more comfortable talking by chat. I hoped to be able to post the whole conversation here but Facebook chat cuts off the history at a certain point so the first hour or so of our conversation has been removed. He was basically asking the same stuff over and over again, why if I still had an interest in girls would I CHOSE to be gay. He still never really got it through his head that I didn't chose to be anything. Here is the part of the conversation that I do have left.

Ron
idk, its just still kinda hard to believe regardless of the things uve said before. i dont really know much more to say. i cant force u to like anyone. its ur choice. i like girls, but u dont so its up to u not me. im not gonna judge u, i just dont think ur making the right decision

10:05pmMe
there was no decision making involved. i didnt chose to like guys, its just how ive always been. just like you didnt chose to like girls

10:06pmRon
u cant be born the way u r. its not possible. something along in ur life has convinced u that guys r better than girls.

10:07pmMe
and i respect your opinion. but its just something that has always been a part of me, im just now chosing to accept it

10:09pmRon
well u said u still have some interest in girls. so somewhere along i ur life, it slowly faded while u grew in interest for guys

10:09pmMe
no, i never lost interest in girls, i never had it. my only interest in them is their personality but thats not enough to build a relationship from

10:11pmRon
well its just hard to believe. do u have freinds that r guys that like guys

10:11pmMe
yes, but none in person that i am really close to. none of them know. thats what makes it so hard for me

10:12pmRon
ok

10:14pmMe
but its not gonna change how i am

10:14pmRon
hope it wont

10:15pmMe
and i hope you wont tell anyone, this is just between us

10:16pmRon
ok, well r u ever gonna tell anybody else

10:16pmMe
eventually but i am very careful with who i tell, only people i can trust

10:17pmRon
so u wont even tell ur parents

10:18pmMe
NO, definitely not

10:18pmRon
ok, i was just asking. would u fell comfortable like talking about it to a counsleor at ur school?

10:19pmMe
no because i dont think its something that needs counseling. its just something i have to learn to live with and
just accept as a part of me

10:20pmRon
well ok, i didnt mean that in a bad way. i just thought u should hear others opinions of people u could trust

10:21pmMe
yeah but no matter what other people try to tell me it wont change who i am. i cant just be like "i want to be interested in girls", it doesnt work that way

10:21pmRon
i dont mean it like that
u know that too

10:23pmMe
im just saying yeah ive heard other opinions on it my whole life. our old school was very against it, but no matter what people try to tell me is "right" it cant change how i am. it only makes me less self confident

10:23pmRon
ok

10:27pmMe
so what do you think about all this? be honest

10:28pmRon
well i dont think its right. but i cant change ui
*u

10:29pmMe
ok, well thats your opinion. but does it change your feelings towards me?

10:30pmRon
no, as long as it doesnt change u?
*forget the ?

10:30pmMe
no, it wont change me, like i said ive been this way for like 5 years, so ive been this way as long as uve known me

10:39pmMe
so do you have any more questions? you can ask anything

10:40pmRon
no i dont have anything else to ask
well actually i do

10:41pmMe
ok

10:41pmRon
dont take this in a bad way at all
but would u rather have sex with a guy or a girl?

10:42pmMe
i see sex as something in the distance for me, i dont believe in sex without a serious relationship. but if i had that kind of relationship, i would chose guy. like i said, im more attracted to them physically

10:43pmRon
ok

10:43pmMe
but like i said, ive never done anything, and if i did it would have to be a lot stronger relationship than anything i plan on having soon. a lot of trust has to be involved.

10:44pmRon
yeah, i see

10:45pmMe
but i am very limited on what i consider the "perfect guy" is for me

10:46pmRon
ok like what do u consider the perfect guy for u

10:47pmMe
well moreso looks. if you mean by personality then it would be the same as a girl. but i have certain physical characteristics that i find more attractive than others. blonde or brown hair, blue or green eyes, skinny but not too skinny, etc.

10:48pmRon
ok

10:48pmMe
id show you an example but that might be a little weird to you lol

10:49pmRon
yeah, kinda

10:50pmMe
ill show u a pic but its no one i know in person
(link)

10:54pmRon
that guy had big ears

10:54pmMe
haha whatever. i mean the face and stuff

10:57pmRon
yeah i know, he looked like a blonde heade justin beiber

10:57pmMe
i guess haha, but justin bieber is cute too in my opinion

10:57pmRon
*headed
*headed

10:58pmMe
i just dont like the way he acts. but other than that he is cute (to me)

10:59pmRon
ok

11:00pmMe
but it seems like more and more guys are becoming attractive to me as i get older.
11:06pmRon is offline.

Sorry about the weird formatting but that's the only way it would let me paste it. Anyways, that's basically all he said about it. Yes, it upsets me, but there's really nothing I can do about the way he sees it. I just hope it doesn't change anything between us. I like having him as a friend but if he rejects me because of this, it's his loss, not mine.


What are your thoughts on this? Bad idea or good idea?


-Tristan

2 comments:

  1. I gotta tell ya man, thats pretty rough. I dont have nearly that amount of trust in anybody. I guess you can take this as a learning experiance and see how your buddy ron handles it. From the way he is talking right now it seems like he's trying to accept it in his mind but i wouldnt take it too far. You kept trying to drill it into his head throughout the conversation and towards the end you were startin to walk on thin ice. My point is that some people may accept who you are, but i wouldnt try to hard to make him understand it. Towards the end of the conversation it seemed like he was starting to get weirded out. If he accepts what you initally told him then i would leave it at that. If you push him too hard trying to get him to understand, you might push him away at the same time. If he comes up to you and wants to talk about it then i would try to help him understand that it's not gonna affect your friendship. He seems worried that you are gonna jump ship and end your friendship. But if he doesnt initiate the conversation i would refrain from bringing it up.

    Ive always kept that part of my life 100% secret b/c of the fact that i easily can. I am attracted to men and woman physically and emotionally the same. But in your situation you have to choose what it is that you want to do. I've always kept the secret b/c i never wanted to risk the friendships that i have. I have extremely loyal friends that would do anything for me, but on the other hand i'm not sure how they would handle it if i droped the bombshell that i was gay. So i just like to play it safe. I have all the intentions in the world of spending the rest of my life with a girl but it is fun to have some special time with the guys too. I look at it as more of being well rounded. So i hope you find the path that you want to take. Keep the posts coming, i enjoy hearing about whats going on in your life since i've already been through the same things.

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  2. I wouldn't have picked Ron to come out to, but coming out is a great feeling so congratulations. It was a very brave thing to talk to him about it even though there was a good chance he wouldn't have positive things to say. However, you've really shaken his beliefs. He has been taught to hate gays in the abstract sense (ie. not a real person, the thought of homosexuality, a stereotype which can be dehumanised). But now he's been confronted with someone who's a friend (someone who he knows, likes and enjoys spending time with) who identifies with what he sees as the core of homosexuality (physical attraction to men). The two sides are in such vast juxtaposition that he's probably in shock right now, even though it seems to be him who led you into this conversation, he didn't seem to understand the implications it had. Maybe he never let himself consider that you might say yes, I like boys.

    He seems to want to find someone who can 'fix' you at this point. He'll probably give up as he starts to understand more. I wouldn't push the topic, let him calm down and think through what he's already dealing with at this point. If he comes to you with questions, answer them, but I wouldn't extrapolate too heavily. Basically be yourself, right now he's worried you'll become the stereotype he hates and so that's why he wants to get you 'fixed'. Once he realises that you aren't suddenly going to change, he'll calm down and be forced consider what he's been taught about homosexuality isn't true.

    This was bound to come up someday for him and its better it happened now while he's young so he's more likely to alter his world view based on it. He is suffering a sort of system shock though and so you need to go softly and let him recover so that he can learn to be comfortable with it.

    I hope this made some sense, its very chaotic and mostly about what I see going on in Ron's mind. We, as a community, spend so much time demanding acceptance without considering giving understanding back. It might be hard to come out, but we have to accept its hard for a lot of people to hear it too. If you want to keep those friends who struggle with it at first, you have to help them through it too. Being GLBT isn't easy, its really hard. That being said, if I had a choice - I wouldn't change a thing.

    danny.

    PS. Sorry I haven't responded for a while. I used to write comments while I was sitting outside smoking at night. I haven't been doing that lately and so the lack of comments is sort of collateral damage.

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