Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cheater Cheater

Hey,

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Been busy with other things.I'm sure you are all DYING to know what happened between me and Alejandro (not). Well, as I guessed, nothing. We texted again a few days afterwards but it wasn't about much. Although he did give me some ideas of other gay guys at my school that I didn't know about. My friend told me that she bets he was interested in me until I told him I wasn't planning on coming out any time soon. Oh well, I just don't like that he knows my secret, which may not be a secret much longer.

I'm becoming a lot more open about it now and have a feeling the next time someone asks I will say yes. I've come to realize that people today are way less judgmental than I thought, and some of the most popular seniors were gay. It all depends on who you associate with. My friends from my old school would probably shun me if I told them I was gay. But the ones I have at school probably could care less.

I don't really get what I would do to "come out". I mean, what would I change? I'm not gonna become super flamboyant because that's not me. I don't plan on changing, but I wish there was a way to let people know without directly saying it myself. I thought about putting it on Facebook, but I have too many people on there who are friends with my parents so that might not be the smartest idea. I'm not planning on making any hasty decisions, but I'm slowly building up the confidence to be more open about it.

So time to bring up someone I haven't mentioned in a long time. Lilly. I went with my friends to the library during lunch on Thursday at school and saw her sitting at a table working on something. My friends knew her too so we sat with her. We found out she was making a 39 in Chemistry and her mom told her if she doesn't pull it up to at least a C she couldn't take any more drama classes. This was really out of character for her because she is one of the smartest people in her grade. But when she told me her teacher I knew that he was the problem, not her. I had heard many people last year complaining about him, and the guy who was #3 in our class was also failing. Anyways, I offered to let her copy my worksheets so she could turn them in. Why is it that I try to win everyones heart by cheating? Anyways, I gave her the notes on Friday morning but we didn't get to talk long. However, we made up for it Friday night by talking after the drama awards. I really like her personality, and I think that she is really pretty, but still, I am attracted to guys and don't want to get too involved with her because I would feel like I was being dishonest. Or is that what I want? This whole "bi" thing is so confusing!

That's about it for now. I'll try to update more often but this summer seems like it is going to be pretty uneventful. Except for when I go on my Europe trip in July with this gay guy (not just us, it's a school trip). But according to Alejandro he has a boyfriend. Oh well, maybe he will be up for some cheating. There I go again...

Until next time my lovely!
-Tristan

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You Build Me Up, You Break Me Down

Wow, what an eventful past two three days. I should have kept you up to date day by day, but this should work okay.




So rewind back to Sunday. I was on Facebook and saw that this gay guy posted a link to formspring. Yes I know him in person, and yes I know he is gay. He's a freshman, but he seems smart and has similar interests as me. Anyways, I decided to go on and ask him some questions. I asked if he was gay, what attracted him most to guys, and if there was a way I could talk to him. So obviously, I made a fake email address with another name and wrote him. He told me that he's been out to his parents and friends since the beginning of the school year. Even though I kept telling him I didn't want to reveal any information about who I was, he kept guessing and asking questions about me. At one point after he asked my hobbies he made a stab at who I was, and he was right. I just told him no, and to stop asking those questions. I don't know how he got it. Apparantly I'm the only white guy at our school who likes acting and photography, lol. We continued to talk, and I explained to him about how I felt more attracted to guys but still had strong emotional connections to girls. He agreed. Later he said he had to go to bed so he gave me his number. I told him if I texted him he could just call my phone and get my voicemail which had my name, so I was like nooo.

So now it's Monday. I had to go to an awards thing after school and decided to wait until I got home before I emailed him. When I got back, he had already emailed me. I responded, then he sent me this...

 ... and i have your identity . I guessed it before but now I have it! Don't deny it! You know I'm right . Hence why I'm so smart. I figured it out by how you write. Your grammer. It's unique. I then went on your page compared them. Dude I thought you were gay when I saw you lol. It's all cool though . 

So yeah, he caught me. I made the bold move and told him he was right, and began talking to him on Facebook but then he gave me his number again so we texted. We texted for over 2 hours, and I really thought it was going somewhere. We talked about YouTube videos, school, music, interests, and lots of other stuff. But then I saw a conversation he had been having with a girl that he posted on Facebook. 

(OF COURSE, When I FINALLY finish this entry, it doesn't publish and the draft only saved up until this point. Sorry if I rush through this, but I'm not spending another 45 minutes retyping it all).

Anyways, the girl asked if he had heard from the guy that had been emailing him and he said yes and that he had found out who it was but it was a "total let down" and "wasted time of my life" and that he would tell her who it was tomorrow. I was really upset about this. First, I hated knowing that he considered me a "let down". Second, he promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone who I was. I texted him, saying "Oh, and sorry I was a 'let down' (Facebook)". About five minutes later  he responded telling me that it was about someone else, some guy at some other school wh o was bi and had been emailing him. I didn't believe him for a second, but decided not to call BS and just accept it, but I told him that if he didn't want to talk to me anymore that was ok. He responded, telling me to chill and it really wasn't about me. Again, still not believing him, I dropped it and we continued to talk until he had to go to bed.

I was really excited, yet still weary about it all. I had that nervous feeling in my stomach. I just admitted so much to someone I barely know other than the fact that he is gay. There was still the chance that he was being honest when he told me that the status conversation wasn't about me. I guess I would just have to wait until Tuesday to find out what happens next....

Nothing...absolutely nothing. No texts, facebook chats, emails, no coming and speaking to me at school (I didn't even see him), nothing. I wasn't expecting him to come up to me and ask to make out or anything, but just a text saying "hey" would have been enough to let me know that he was interested. Not even in a relationship sense of the word, I would just like to be friends with someone in person who felt the same way as I did. And if he did, then maybe we could try dating. I was told by a friend that this was a "desperate" move, but honestly I'm not desperate. I didn't go into this seeking a relationship, but then again I do only like him because he's gay. I wouldn't call it desperate, but I definitely agree that it's wrong. I don't like him like I like Blake. There is no attraction to him other than the fact that he is gay and that he is sort of cute. But I just wanted this to turn into something. I'm not sure what exactly, but I wanted it to work out. I don't know what he will do with what he knows about me. I still don't even know that he's NOT interested, I just know that he hasn't attempted to make any contact with me since he found out who I was besides the rest of our texts that evening. But now I just feel like I exposed myself entirely to a complete stranger. He's holding a loaded gun to my head, and I'm the helpless victim. With my biggest secret in his hands, he gets to choose what he does with it. He can either pull the trigger, or let me go unharmed. I guess we'll all find out soon...

We shall call him... Alejandro.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Topic Blogging

This isn't really a formal entry, but I need you guys/gals help with something...

I'm really trying to bring a new audience to this blog. I know you like the personal entries, and I will continue to do them, but I also want to discuss some topics that don't come up in my every day life. It can be from sexuality questions to any of life's issues. Would you guys like me to star doing advice, where you submit situations (anonymously) and I answer them with what I think is best to handle them? I've seen that done before and people seem to enjoy it. I'm just trying to make this more than a personal blog and turn it into also an informative blog about Bisexuality or social issues from my perspective. What I'm asking of you is easy: Just leave a comment on this blog with some ideas of what you want to see to keep you coming back to my blog. I really enjoy you guys' feedback, but so far I only know of 2 or 3 of you that actually interact and comment. Other than that I feel like I'm writing to myself. So please, offer me some ideas. I will continue to post about my personal life, but with only a couple weeks until summer my social life is almost over for the school year, haha.

Thanks,
Tristan

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Love Letter Never Sent

Thank you to the two of you who commented. I agree with what you are saying about being very reserved with Ron and not changing. I never planned on changing anyways. We were walking around the graveyard again last Wednesday and he was telling me more about his girlfriend problems and he made a comment (I forgot what it was) but in my response I had to bring up the gay thing. Oh I remember now. He was talking about how some guys think about sex all the time and I told him that I'm not like that but there is someone on my mind a lot. Then he was like "why don't you just tell her you like her" and I responded "It's a lot more complicated than that". He was confused and I told him "remember what I told you the other night? I can't tell them because they aren't like me and don't feel the way I feel". He then caught on and quickly changed the subject like he was uncomfortable. Not that I wasn't, but I just wish I could talk to someone about it in person. Oddly though, later he was talking about this guy in my troop who apparently has had lots of girlfriends and said "it's not like he's good looking" and then asked me "Who do you think looks better, me or him?". I told him that he was better looking. I was quite surprised that he asked that because that's something you don't normally ask a guy. I don't know, he probably wasn't even thinking about the gay/bi thing at the time.

But anyways, I wanted to focus this entry on constructing a letter to Blake that I will never send. I want to type out m feelings for him in the way that I would really do it if I knew that he knew. This is gonna get a little personal, but why not?
____________________________________________________

Dear Blake,

I wanted to write you this note because I know we do not talk much in person. I'm not sure exactly what my reason for writing you is but I'll keep going anyways, haha. I just wanted to tell you that I have really enjoyed getting to know you this semester. I know we aren't exactly friends in the way I want to be, but it's not like we don't have any other chances. Since the first day of class I realized something was special about you that I don't see in many guys. I don't mean that in a weird way, haha. I just didn't know anyone in that class except one person and was worried about who I would be sitting next to and when I saw the teacher point you to the seat beside me I was very relieved. Hey, you know how scary some of the people in that class are?? Anyways, we didn't talk much for the first few days, but I learned a lot about you through the PowerPoint we had to create at the very beginning of the year. Yes, I still remember that. I saw how you copied my words to describe myself, and I liked it, haha. Anyways, you have no idea how upset I was when the teacher moved you across the room. I was torn up over that for several days. I was really hoping we would become friends and it felt like she took that chance away from my for no reason. I added you a few days later on Facebook just so I might have the chance to still talk to you. Thank you for accepting the friend request and chatting with me all the times you have. Every time I see that you have sent me a message my heart pounds and I try to make our conversations last as long as possible. However, lately you have been acting differently. I've noticed how you seem to be less concerned with doing your work. I heard you tell someone yesterday that you had a 63 in math. It really hurt me and I was hoping you were exaggerating. You have so much potential dude. I hate to see you have a bad start to your time in high school. I know it seems like you have a long way to go, but as a Freshman you are developing habits that will stick with you throughout your life. If you slack off and think it is okay to make grades like that then you will never push yourself to improve. I know your friends think it is funny when you tell them you make grades like that and make them laugh, but what is even more impressive is when you say you have a good grade in something. It makes others proud of the work you have done and see that you have dedication to school. Your future right now may seem far off but it really isn't. I'm already a Junior and it seems like just the other day I was a freshman. It goes by way too fast and soon enough you will have to decide what you want to do with your life. I'm not giving up on you because even though we aren't the best of friends, I have observed you throughout this semester and see how you can do good if you stay focussed. I see a lot of qualities in you that are so important to keep with you. My original intent with this letter has changed as I have written it. I want to be your friend, and I want to be the one you go to for advice. I really care about you, in a way that I've never cared about anyone else besides myself. Please accept my offer of friendship, not through Facebook this time but as a true friend that you can rely on. I know you probably already have plenty, but I have a feeling that we can help each other in many more ways than we think.

Sincerely,
Tristan
____________________________________________________

Ughh, as I was writing that I was thinking about how I would really send it to him, but there's no way that is going to happen. We aren't close enough for that. I originally planned on it being a "letter" declaring my love for him but it changed it's purpose to serve as a request for friendship instead. I wonder what his reaction would be if I really sent him this. I guess we will never find out.

What are your opinions on love letters? How do you think he would respond to this one?

-T.S.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Coming Out #2

Ok, so this was completely Unexpected but it happened anyways. I was talking to Ron last night about how I was losing interest in scouts and he kept asking questions about why and I became more and more honest and eventually just said "I don't think lke most guys, I'm not interested in hunting or fiushing, or even girls". That's where the trouble began. After a lot of explaining myself I eventually said "I know where you are trying to go with this, and if you have something to say then say it". Then he asked, "I think I know something about you, but don't get mad". He asked if it had anything to do with being gay. I told him I didn't feel comfortable discussing that with him but he eventually talked me into sharing. But then his chat started messing up as soon as I typed out a long, well thought out summary of how I am. He told me to send it as a message, so I did...

i dont consider myself gay, but i dont necessarily consider myself straight. in fact, i don't like having only those two set definitions for sexuality. No, i'm not sexually attracted to girls, but i feel i can grow emotionally attached to them and like them for their personality, and build a relationship from that. but i am more physically attracted to guys, but not necessarily their mindset or their personality. so i would not say i'm really bi, because i like both genders for different reasons, but if i ever met a guy with a great personality then i would not be afraid to try and build a relationship off of that if he felt the same.

I sent that but he never logged back on to check it, so this morning I sent him the following message:

I assume you had to go last night and that's your reason for not replying. I just wanted to let you know that I trust you with that information and hope you would not share it with anyone. If you do and I eventually find out, I would be forced to cut off our friendship. I hope that what I told you last night does not change anything between us and doesn't affect our friendship. If you have any questions about it or comments don't hesitate to ask or make them.

He came on this evening and asked if he could call me but I convinced him that I would be more comfortable talking by chat. I hoped to be able to post the whole conversation here but Facebook chat cuts off the history at a certain point so the first hour or so of our conversation has been removed. He was basically asking the same stuff over and over again, why if I still had an interest in girls would I CHOSE to be gay. He still never really got it through his head that I didn't chose to be anything. Here is the part of the conversation that I do have left.

Ron
idk, its just still kinda hard to believe regardless of the things uve said before. i dont really know much more to say. i cant force u to like anyone. its ur choice. i like girls, but u dont so its up to u not me. im not gonna judge u, i just dont think ur making the right decision

10:05pmMe
there was no decision making involved. i didnt chose to like guys, its just how ive always been. just like you didnt chose to like girls

10:06pmRon
u cant be born the way u r. its not possible. something along in ur life has convinced u that guys r better than girls.

10:07pmMe
and i respect your opinion. but its just something that has always been a part of me, im just now chosing to accept it

10:09pmRon
well u said u still have some interest in girls. so somewhere along i ur life, it slowly faded while u grew in interest for guys

10:09pmMe
no, i never lost interest in girls, i never had it. my only interest in them is their personality but thats not enough to build a relationship from

10:11pmRon
well its just hard to believe. do u have freinds that r guys that like guys

10:11pmMe
yes, but none in person that i am really close to. none of them know. thats what makes it so hard for me

10:12pmRon
ok

10:14pmMe
but its not gonna change how i am

10:14pmRon
hope it wont

10:15pmMe
and i hope you wont tell anyone, this is just between us

10:16pmRon
ok, well r u ever gonna tell anybody else

10:16pmMe
eventually but i am very careful with who i tell, only people i can trust

10:17pmRon
so u wont even tell ur parents

10:18pmMe
NO, definitely not

10:18pmRon
ok, i was just asking. would u fell comfortable like talking about it to a counsleor at ur school?

10:19pmMe
no because i dont think its something that needs counseling. its just something i have to learn to live with and
just accept as a part of me

10:20pmRon
well ok, i didnt mean that in a bad way. i just thought u should hear others opinions of people u could trust

10:21pmMe
yeah but no matter what other people try to tell me it wont change who i am. i cant just be like "i want to be interested in girls", it doesnt work that way

10:21pmRon
i dont mean it like that
u know that too

10:23pmMe
im just saying yeah ive heard other opinions on it my whole life. our old school was very against it, but no matter what people try to tell me is "right" it cant change how i am. it only makes me less self confident

10:23pmRon
ok

10:27pmMe
so what do you think about all this? be honest

10:28pmRon
well i dont think its right. but i cant change ui
*u

10:29pmMe
ok, well thats your opinion. but does it change your feelings towards me?

10:30pmRon
no, as long as it doesnt change u?
*forget the ?

10:30pmMe
no, it wont change me, like i said ive been this way for like 5 years, so ive been this way as long as uve known me

10:39pmMe
so do you have any more questions? you can ask anything

10:40pmRon
no i dont have anything else to ask
well actually i do

10:41pmMe
ok

10:41pmRon
dont take this in a bad way at all
but would u rather have sex with a guy or a girl?

10:42pmMe
i see sex as something in the distance for me, i dont believe in sex without a serious relationship. but if i had that kind of relationship, i would chose guy. like i said, im more attracted to them physically

10:43pmRon
ok

10:43pmMe
but like i said, ive never done anything, and if i did it would have to be a lot stronger relationship than anything i plan on having soon. a lot of trust has to be involved.

10:44pmRon
yeah, i see

10:45pmMe
but i am very limited on what i consider the "perfect guy" is for me

10:46pmRon
ok like what do u consider the perfect guy for u

10:47pmMe
well moreso looks. if you mean by personality then it would be the same as a girl. but i have certain physical characteristics that i find more attractive than others. blonde or brown hair, blue or green eyes, skinny but not too skinny, etc.

10:48pmRon
ok

10:48pmMe
id show you an example but that might be a little weird to you lol

10:49pmRon
yeah, kinda

10:50pmMe
ill show u a pic but its no one i know in person
(link)

10:54pmRon
that guy had big ears

10:54pmMe
haha whatever. i mean the face and stuff

10:57pmRon
yeah i know, he looked like a blonde heade justin beiber

10:57pmMe
i guess haha, but justin bieber is cute too in my opinion

10:57pmRon
*headed
*headed

10:58pmMe
i just dont like the way he acts. but other than that he is cute (to me)

10:59pmRon
ok

11:00pmMe
but it seems like more and more guys are becoming attractive to me as i get older.
11:06pmRon is offline.

Sorry about the weird formatting but that's the only way it would let me paste it. Anyways, that's basically all he said about it. Yes, it upsets me, but there's really nothing I can do about the way he sees it. I just hope it doesn't change anything between us. I like having him as a friend but if he rejects me because of this, it's his loss, not mine.


What are your thoughts on this? Bad idea or good idea?


-Tristan

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Junior Prom Night

So I went to prom tonight because they invited all the Drama kids to come out and be 'paparazzi' for the 'red carpet' theme. I looked forward to it because the girl I like, Lilly, was going to be there too. I got there and talked to a few of my friends before we got started. Lilly got there about 20 minutes after I did and I was relieved she was there. I really wanted to spend time with her. When it was time to start, we stood outside by the red carpet and flashed our cameras. I made sure to stand near her the whole time so we could talk as much as possible, which wasn't much. Anyways, we did that from 8-10 and then they let us go in. We got some food and sat at a table. I talked to her some more but it was a group conversation. Then one of our drama friends came up and forced us out on the dance floor. Lilly has said before that she doesn't dance, and it was very similar to how it was at the drama competition after party we went to in February. But this was somewhat different, it was prom. We got out there and her and I stood very close most of the time, I don't know if it was intentional but she kept moving to stand by me, and I did the same to her. Then my friend finally got her swaying back and forth and she got me to do it as well. Lilly and I faced each other and laughed, we knew we both didn't dance. But it was nice to share that moment with her. Then when it was time to go, we all hugged goodbye and for the first time, I hugged her. It was short, but it was great to embrace her. Now that he play is over I will only occasionally pass by her in the hall like it was before, but I found out she may not be moving, meaning I still have next year.

Thanks for your comment "Johndoe870". I don't think I'll ever make a move to weird Blake out. I'm too shy to even talk to him, haha. And the whole thing with the fake Facebook profile for Ron has ended, my friend and I got bored with it and still weren't getting through with it. And the remark about stuff I don't want people to see on my computer: I am good about that and if anyone else saw the pictures it would be fine, but how the heck was I supposed to know that this guy who has never been to my house before except to drop me off would ride his bike there after getting lost, come in my house, and want to get on my computer, all while I wasn't there? I mean really, lol. Again, thank you for the comment, I REALLY enjoy getting responses from you guys. If anyone else feels like it, please leave me a comment!

Until next time...
Tristan