Friday, March 5, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past?

This is a topic I have pondered a lot lately. And it's one that, well, I don't think I can answer. I can just share my experiences and make a guess based on what I have been through.

It all started in about the 6th grade. I went to a private Christian school at the time. But this year was different. We were paired with the 7th graders in a lot of classes and there were 2 particular guys who would pick on me. They called me gay. At the time I don't think I even knew what that word meant, and I clearly didn't connect it with sexuality. I could care less about a relationship at that age. A lot of their "proof" was based on how I acted with my best friend at the time. He and I would play "Spy" a lot and crawl around on the gym floor and hide behind stuff. I know it seems silly now, but at the time it was fun. Anyways, eventually reports from these bullies were sent to the school office. One day when we were all at the water fountain, this one guy (whom I had been best friends with from 1st-4th grade) cut in front of everyone in line. I grabbed him by his belt and pulled him away, kind of as a joke. He went to our teacher and told him that I put my hand down his pants and the teacher immediately called the office. I tried to explain what I did but he sent me straight to the office. When I got there, the principal called me into the back room and closed the door. He pulled out a list and said I had quite the record. Just so you know, I have ALWAYS been the good kid and never did anything to purposely get in trouble. I don't remember exactly, but these were some of the things that were on his list.

Inappropriately touching other students in the bathroom.
Being alone with a male student under the stairs.
Throwing things at other students when angry (reported by the LIBRARIAN)
Grabbing other male students.

The list was much longer than that, but that's all I remember. NONE of it was true, except the stairs thing but like I said, we were just playing a game. The librarian hated me, and the whole throwing things was a flat out lie. I told him that none of this was true, but then he said "Oh, so now you are calling our teachers liars? Are you saying that they are disobeying God and not you?". I don't know how I responded. I just know that after I left he called my mom into the office and talked with her. When I got home I was grounded but she told me that she didn't believe some of the stuff either. Those same bullies followed me up until 9th grade when I switched schools. It was miserable, and by 9th grade year was the only year I attempted to defend myself, but I was too scared to do anything about it.

I'm gonna pause for a minute. That whole thing upsets me every time I think about it and almost always brings me to tears. Why didn't I do anything about it? If that same thing happened to me today I would not have let that principal yell at me and curse me the way he did. I would have yelled back and called all of them liars. But I was young, and innocent, and didn't want any trouble. Damn it! Why can't I change things? I am a totally different person now and would not stand for something like that. If I ever met that principal again I would wish death upon him. I hate him. I don't say that about anyone but him. He ruined my life and made me feel worthless. I was nothing but a "sinful" student to him. Those of you that really know me know that I am one of the nicest people out there and I'm not fake about it;. I don't do anyone to hurt anyone or make them feel bad. I comfort them when they need it. I cry when they cry. I am extremely sensitive to the feelings of others and if I ever see a child treated the way I was that day in the principal's office I would not allow it. I don't care if I lost my job because of it, I know how painful it is. I hate when people are bullied, it reminds me of how I felt and I would never wish that on anyone.Maybe I care too much, but I cannot stand to hear about children who are verbally abused by their peers and those in authority.

I got totally sidetracked. I will save the rest of this topic for tomorrow. I am too upset at the moment to continue and don't want to make this entry any longer than it already is.



  1. aww bless,
    your so cute you know.
    im sorry that your upset about you priciple.
    he sounds like an asshole,
    but its over now, right?
    feel better.
    love tish.

  2. Hindsight can be a dangerous thing.

    As far as why you didn't argue back... You were probably too young. Chances are that's why he was so willing to attack you as he did. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it, it really wasn't your fault.

    You say he ruined your life. Granted I don't know you very well, as I've only read these few short blogs but the fact you're now so absolutely willing to stand against this type of injustice only reassures me that your life is far from over. You didn't fold to them and you've only gotten stronger as time has gone on.

    I'm sorry to hear you've had to suffer through bullying, both from other kids and the teaching staff. I'm sure it was terrible but it's a part of who you are today, a kind and incredible person and that's a true credit to yourself.

    I hope this helps and you feel better. When you're down, smile and know that you're a wonderful person with an amazing future ahead.

    - Danny.

    If you need to talk, I'm always willing to listen.