Monday, March 8, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past? PART 2

I'm sorry for not finishing my last entry. Not only was it getting late, but I had a lot of emotions building up and needed to take a breather. Thanks to those of you who commented my last entry. It is great to hear from you guys because it makes me feel like somebody actually cares about what I have to say, haha. So instead of introducing a new topic, I figured I would continue where I left off.

I finally escaped the bullying my 10th grade year when I switched from private school to public high school.The environment is totally different. People aren't judged by who they are or what they believed. In fact, there was this openly gay guy in my drama class first semester. I didn't realize he was gay until about halfway through though. I was intrigued by him. He wasn't overly feminine, and he was extremely nice. He wasn't very attractive, but I think I became attracted to him after I learned about his sexuality.

But that is getting off topic. All my life, I had grown up around the computer. When I was about 11 or 12, it is where I went for information about going through puberty, not my parents. One time, I unintentionally stumbled upon a website with naked pictures of guys my age. I was fascinated. I kept looking for more and more. It was all considered "art", and most of it was just previews for paid websites. I think my mom caught me a time or two. But I never got in trouble for it. I wasn't even too embarrassed that she caught me. Anyways, when I was about 13 or so I stumbled upon a hardcore site with guys my age. What I saw was sickening. Older men having sex with young boys. I couldn't look at any websites for weeks in fear that something like that might come up again.

But 2-3 years have passed since then. I no longer associate with the friends I had and I now realize the penalties of looking at child pornography. I reported all the sites I had visited and the majority of them have since been removed.

As for sexual experiences, I really have none to share. When I was younger, around 12 or so, I messed around with a neighborhood friend, but nothing more than touching. That continued for some years, but after he got older and into puberty he stopped doing things and has since called me gay. I deny it, but inside I know he is half way correct.

So this is my story. Whether the events in my past have influenced my sexuality is unknown. But I can't help feel like it may have something to do with it. Another thing I forgot to mention was I've never had a good relationship with my father. I've always been really close with my mother.

So tell me. Do you think past experiences influence a person's sexuality? Not that it necessarily makes someone gay/bi/straight, but may influence the intensity of their attractions. Let me know in a comment below. I think my next entry will be back to my old style of a daily diary. I've had a few experiences with Blake that I'd like to share. Don't get too excited, experiences can be as much as eye contact for me, haha.

Thanks for reading,


  1. I think if someones gay/bi/straight, they're born with it. maybe,

    my second hypothesis i'd like to believe is curve balls down the road that may guide someone to act / follow that path.

    Maybe hanging out with girls at an early age can influence someones sexuality?

  2. I heavily favor boys, to the extent that I've only ever found one girl romantically interesting. I however couldn't say I had anything decidedly gay in my childhood. Nothing really shaped me to be such, but that's not to say that it couldn't, just that it hasn't to my knowledge. So I would have to say experience might be able to accentuate one side or another, but I don't think it can shape anything entirely.

    However, I think a lot of people hover on a spectrum of bi which can shift depending on the people they meet and situations they're put in. In the end, I think it should be more a question of personality than sex. Never say never.