Monday, March 29, 2010

Almost Out...

Last night was an interesting experience to say the least. I was talking with Ron about his vacation and then I was feeling a little daring.

I began by asking if he knew anything about the guy who dropped out of scouts. This is the guy (I don't think I've mentioned him here) that is only in 8th grade but I find very attractive. When I'm not talking to Ron at scouts then he is who I'm looking at, haha. Anyways, he said he didn't know anything about it. Next I told him that I would miss the guy. Then he was like "Why? He always acted like he was tougher than everyone else." and I responded "Idk, I just like him". He didn't really seem to pick up on what I was saying so we just moved on. He was talking again about how he felt like no one likes him and how he only makes friends by talking to random people not at school. He told me about meeting two girls at the amusement park. I told him I wasn't interested in meeting girls. Again... I was feeling daring.

Ron: Yeah, sure you don't like girls.
Me: Lol, you know what I mean.
Ron: No?
Me: I don't really care about meeting girls at the amusement park. I already have other crushes I want to focus on.
Ron: Who are they?
Me: You don't know them. People at school.
(long pause)
Me: I have this one person I'm interested in but I don't want to tell them that I like them because I'm scared it might ruin our friendship and that's not what I want.
Ron: Them or her?

Here's where it got awkward. I began to feel like I should back out. By the way, my online friend who I've mentioned before was talking with me through all this and I was relaying messages back and forth to him. He kept urging me to go on with it and tell him about my sexuality, but I told him I don't think Ron or I was ready for that just yet.

I told Ron that he knew what I meant and he was like "whatever!". We got off topic again, and then he made a reference to Adam Lambert. 

Me: And no, Adam Lambert is not the crush I'm talking about, lol.
Ron: U sure?
Me: Yes, he's like 30 isn't he?
Ron: 26.
Me: Still too old for me.

This is pretty much where our conversation ended. He didn't respond until I changed the subject. I'm kind of glad that it didn't go any further. The crush I was talking about was Blake, obviously, but the same goes for Ron. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of something that isn't really important. He comes from a religious family and still goes to a private Christian school. I know from experience that "being gay is a sin" is taught and instilled in the minds of all the students. That's how it was taught to me anyways. But anyways, if he felt the same way I did then I might be interested in trying to start a relationship with him but the way things are going it doesn't look like anything is gonna happen soon.

More to come, hopefully...

Friday, March 26, 2010

New Design and Raging Hormones

Dear Diary,

I gave you a face-lift. Hopefully the new design is more appealing. I really like it.

Thanks for the interaction on my last entry. I received some questions through Formspring which I will answer later in this post. Thank you Danny and "Anonymous" for your comments.

Is it possible for raging hormones after you have gone through puberty? Lately I have noticed my mind has been on love a lot and I find so many more people attractive. I used to be very selective with who I considered "hot". Now I find something attractive about most guys I see (and some girls). Although I still think freshmen are the cutest, there are some sophomore and junior guys that are really cute. I don't know when I started noticing them all but it hasn't been more than 2 weeks.

Forget the whole "I'm over Blake" thing. That was a lie. I was over him for a day but back to being obsessed with him the next. He got called out and threatened by the teacher on Wednesday giving him his last warning for being on other sites and programs when he's not supposed to. He's definitely more respectful now. I see in him what I saw in him a long time ago. A sweet, somewhat innocent boy. And the burgundy Aeropostale tight long-sleeve shirt he was wearing yesterday was soooo cute. That was the first point since my last entry when I noticed how attractive he was again. It's in his build, skin, and eyes. His eyes are amazing and his long lashes really make them stand out. It's official, I'm in love again.

In our drama club meeting yesterday they asked for volunteers for people to portray "paparazzi" at this year's "red carpet" themed prom. They want drama students to stand beside the carpet and flash our cameras and interview the  students. It sounds a little cheesy but I think it would be fun. I wasn't planning to sign up though until I saw Lilly put her hand up. She is a sophomore so she wouldn't be able to go to prom but this way she could. Sure, she would have to stand at the entrance the whole time but at least she is there. Plus I believe she is moving this summer so this may be her last chance. I immediately volunteered. I wasn't planning on going to prom anyways and this way I can "technically" go to prom with her. I just hope we get to stand near each other and talk. I REALLY like her personality. She's the only one I would want to be with at prom anyways. Well, the only girl that is...

So what do you think? Why am I just now becoming attracted to so many people and seeking to fall in love? I never really cared about any of that stuff until the middle of last year which was long after I went through puberty. Is it a level of maturity? Tell me your thoughts.

- TS

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm Over Him....Aren't I?

I have come to the conclusion today that I am OVER Blake. At least I think...

His attitude seems to have completely changed, or I was just blinded by beauty to realize it had been that way all along. He seems to be more focussed on "being cool" than being respectful and does a lot of little things to disrespect and disobey the teacher just to make his friend laugh. That kind of attitude is a total turn off for me. I am very courteous to others and treat my teachers with a lot of respect and I hate to see others do the opposite. He doesn't do things that are blatantly disrespectful, but he is very disobedient and repeatedly does stuff the teacher tells him not to. It's like he is pushing her limits to see when she will snap.

What makes me uncertain about whether or not I'm really over him is the fact that I am still extremely attracted to him. His looks, his smell, his voice, his presence in general. I think I will come straight back to him next time he messages me on Facebook or says something to me ib person. It's like a crush I can't get over even if I want to. But I'm not necessarily certain if I'm ready to let go yet. I guess only time will tell.

What is your best advice for getting over a crush?

See you soon!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm Still Alive But I'm Barely Breathing

Nah, only Blake can take my breath away.

Anyways, not much has been going on in this confusing life of mine. I've been talking to my friend whom I met from this blog online a lot. It seems like we have talked for hours every day since we met. We have so much in common and he is really smart about certain things. It doesn't hurt that he is cute too. Haha, he will probably kill me when he sees this. But I mean it. He's the first person I've talked to that feels the same way I do about guys and girls. Of course, he's had more experience than me (lucky). But I really enjoy talking to him and hope we can remain friends.

I started a Facebook chat with Blake the other day but he didn't stay long. I don't know if it was because I was annoying him or just because he had to go. But I won't start a chat with him again until he does with me, just to be sure.

We had a fire drill on Thursday in first block so I got to stand near him. But I also saw that he was friends with a lot of the "gangsters". That is probably the whitest thing I have said but you know what I mean. And no, I'm not racist, but I mean the guys that think they are cooler than everyone else. But then again, he's on the wrestling team so he's probably close with a lot of them. But he told me in a chat once that "I'm not racist, but sometimes black people are fucked up". Lol, I just thought that was funny. Anyways, I didn't really get to stand that close to him because I was talking to my friend, but he is still as cute as always. Although I think his voice is changing. He has had a raspy voice the past week or two. I'm gonna miss his old voice, it was amazingly sexy. And I'm not just saying that because I have a crush on him. If anyone heard his voice they would think the same. So smooth and clear. Okay, I'll stop.

Hopefully people are still reading this. Leave a comment if you want. It can be anonymous I think. I like to believe that there are people who are actually getting enjoyment from reading this and I'm not just doing it for my own benefit. I'm thinking about expanding and maybe getting a Twitter or a Formspring so you guys can ask me anything you want. Would you like that? Let me know.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Unfortunate "Date"

So I wanted to wait until after the game on Saturday to do this entry so I would have enough stuff to talk about.

Let's go back to about 20 minutes after I posted my last entry. I was in a conversation with my best friend from school and Ron. Ron was being really serious about how he didn't have a girlfriend and how no one likes him. I felt really bad and tried my best to comfort him and tell him that he's only 15 and has plenty of time to find the right one for him. Then suddenly, at 10:05.... guess who starts a chat with me on Facebook? BLAKE! I had been waiting for him to come on all day and the one time I am not constantly checking the Online list he is there. The conversation started with him driving to Bi-Lo, to him having his permit, to driving, to our test in first block, to IM programs (I told you we would talk about that, unfortunately he didn't know what they were), my stuff on Facebook (and how he really likes them), to our classmates, to....idk what else. But we talked for 45 minutes. It was sooooo nice! Meanwhile, I was still talking to Ron about his depressing dilemma. It was kinda hard to focus on either conversation fully. But anyways, I was on an emotional high all night because of that chat with Blake.

The next day, he didn't talk to me or anything, but at one point the teacher was showing an example of my project on the projector and he glanced over at me and I looked at him and he smiled. That little moment made my day. Sure, he cusses in like every chat message, but at least he chats with me. I think these things are drawing me to become more and more into him. At least he is showing interest back. Maybe not in the same way as me, but he wants to be friends and if that's the best we can be then I am okay with it. But GOD am I obsessed with him.

Now for yesterday. Up until about 3:30 I figured the whole hockey game with Ron was called off because he called me Friday night and said his parents couldn't take us. But he called me Saturday just as I was about to take a nap (Had to take the SAT that morning) and told me that his dad could take us. So I met him and his little brother at their house at 5:15. They took me to their backyard and showed me their tree house which was really cool. I want one. Of course, there would be a lot more going on in there besides watching TV and sleeping. Anyways, his dad came and got us and we went on our way. We road the light-rail to the stadium because it is the easiest way to get around there. It was scout night there so there were a bunch of little cub scouts running around. There were hardly any Boy Scouts. But anyways, the place was PACKED. Our seats were on the very top row. The good thing is we could see everything from there. About half way through the first quarter, Ron asked if I wanted to go walk around. So he and I slowly climbed down from our seats and walked around the stadium. It was nice. We talked but I'm not really sure what all about. Nothing in particular, just looked around at the different tables people had set up. By the way, there were some really cute guys there. Too bad Ron was only interested in looking at the cheerleaders. He kept passing it off like he wasn't but it was obvious he was interested in them. After intermission we went back to the game, but instead found some seats somewhere by ourselves. I had bought some nachos and said I would share with him. I also bought a drink and he made a comment about not going to share it with me and I was like "Well, you can if you want" but he was like nahh. Anyways, back to our secluded seats. Normally this would be the part where we make out, but he was too busy watching the game and the cheerleaders. Sluts...

That's pretty much it for the game. But the train ride back was interesting. The train was packed because everyone tried to get on it at once leaving the game. We were packed in there, and me and him were pressed against each other for almost the whole ride. We held on to each other to keep from falling when it stopped. Which would have been nicer if he was interested in me. Or if he were Blake. OMG that makes me hard just thinking about that. Ok...too much information.

That's about it for this entry. Sorry it's so long, again. I'll try and shorten it next time. Do you like person entries like this or informational/topic entries better? Let me know.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Date??

Dear Diary,

Sorry it's been so long since I've had a personal update. I've just had a few issues I wanted to discuss and I've also been spending a lot of time talking to someone who found me from this blog. We have A LOT in common and I have enjoyed talking to him.

So for an update on Blake. Things are going....nowhere. Okay, maybe somewhere. But I don't know where exactly that somewhere is. We have talked three times on Facebook. The first time he messaged me and we talked about scary movies, second time I messaged him and we talked about our research papers and who we were doing them on, and a third time he messaged me and we talked about the class in general. That last time was about a week ago so I figured it's been enough time for me to message him to continue our pattern. I'm thinking about asking him if he has any IM programs. If he says "Yes" I will immediately download whatever he has, even if I don't use it for anyone but him. If he says "No, why?", I will answer "Haha, ok. Just wondering, trying to find some other ways to talk to people besides Facebook". Hopefully a conversation will develop from there but if it doesn't I'm okay too. Haha, I plan out the STUPIDEST things. But I can't stop thinking about him. Yesterday he walked to the door about 2 minutes before the bell rang and the teacher told him to go to the inside table because she doesn't like people standing at the door and he sat down on the one RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I think he was looking at me when he first sat down but when I looked he was looking down towards the floor. I wanted so badly to say something but my mind went blank and I was way too nervous. Again today he was hovering around my area at the end of class but it may have been because his friend sits near me. I don't know, but it gave me a chance to look at him. He is still hot as ever.

Ok, now for the topic of this post. So I was talking to my friend at scouts last night. Let's call him Ron. I've known him for about 4 years and we have been best friends for a couple years. We tent together every time we go camping. I don't think he is gay, he is raised in a very religious family. Whenever I mention something about gay people he's always like "eww" but I think it's just because of how he was raised. I was the same way at my old school (Christian school that was very anti-gay). We like the same music and stuff, and get along really well. I don't think he is that cute, but it's his personality that makes me like being around him. No, I'm not attracted to every guy like it seems. I don't know if I even like him like that, but Wednesday got me thinking....

Well it started out with an IM conversation before I went to scouts. He told me that after I left last week he knocked over a basketball goal and the pole hit him in the head. He said he layed there but no one came to check on him until a leader went to him. He said there was blood everywhere and he was upset that no one even checked on him. I told him I'm so sorry and I would if I was there. Then he was like "really?" and I said "Of course, I care about you." then he sent a :) and then we started talking about American Idol, lol. Anyways, at scouts we got to talking and sat down on the bench beside each other. As the meeting went on, I noticed that he kept scooting closer to me. By the end out shoulders and sides were touching. Normally when you are that close to someone you scoot over. But I had a nail beside me so I kept scooting towards him to avoid getting poked in the butt. I don't know if it was anything, but I liked being so close to him.

ANYWAYS (Sorry this is so long, a lot to talk about, haha), he asked me if I wanted to go with him to a hockey game this weekend. I'm not one for hockey, but I think spending time with him will be nice. Of course, we are going with his family and little brother, but his bro is bringing a friend too so maybe we will get some alone time to walk around the stadium and talk. Of course in my mind I see us walking and him grabbing my hand then us walking into a bathroom and kissing where no one can see us. Ok....I let my mind wander a lot, lol.

So this is an update on my life at the moment. Caught in a love triangle of my own mind, haha. We will see how things go on Saturday and you guys will be the first to know.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past? PART 2

I'm sorry for not finishing my last entry. Not only was it getting late, but I had a lot of emotions building up and needed to take a breather. Thanks to those of you who commented my last entry. It is great to hear from you guys because it makes me feel like somebody actually cares about what I have to say, haha. So instead of introducing a new topic, I figured I would continue where I left off.

I finally escaped the bullying my 10th grade year when I switched from private school to public high school.The environment is totally different. People aren't judged by who they are or what they believed. In fact, there was this openly gay guy in my drama class first semester. I didn't realize he was gay until about halfway through though. I was intrigued by him. He wasn't overly feminine, and he was extremely nice. He wasn't very attractive, but I think I became attracted to him after I learned about his sexuality.

But that is getting off topic. All my life, I had grown up around the computer. When I was about 11 or 12, it is where I went for information about going through puberty, not my parents. One time, I unintentionally stumbled upon a website with naked pictures of guys my age. I was fascinated. I kept looking for more and more. It was all considered "art", and most of it was just previews for paid websites. I think my mom caught me a time or two. But I never got in trouble for it. I wasn't even too embarrassed that she caught me. Anyways, when I was about 13 or so I stumbled upon a hardcore site with guys my age. What I saw was sickening. Older men having sex with young boys. I couldn't look at any websites for weeks in fear that something like that might come up again.

But 2-3 years have passed since then. I no longer associate with the friends I had and I now realize the penalties of looking at child pornography. I reported all the sites I had visited and the majority of them have since been removed.

As for sexual experiences, I really have none to share. When I was younger, around 12 or so, I messed around with a neighborhood friend, but nothing more than touching. That continued for some years, but after he got older and into puberty he stopped doing things and has since called me gay. I deny it, but inside I know he is half way correct.

So this is my story. Whether the events in my past have influenced my sexuality is unknown. But I can't help feel like it may have something to do with it. Another thing I forgot to mention was I've never had a good relationship with my father. I've always been really close with my mother.

So tell me. Do you think past experiences influence a person's sexuality? Not that it necessarily makes someone gay/bi/straight, but may influence the intensity of their attractions. Let me know in a comment below. I think my next entry will be back to my old style of a daily diary. I've had a few experiences with Blake that I'd like to share. Don't get too excited, experiences can be as much as eye contact for me, haha.

Thanks for reading,

Friday, March 5, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past?

This is a topic I have pondered a lot lately. And it's one that, well, I don't think I can answer. I can just share my experiences and make a guess based on what I have been through.

It all started in about the 6th grade. I went to a private Christian school at the time. But this year was different. We were paired with the 7th graders in a lot of classes and there were 2 particular guys who would pick on me. They called me gay. At the time I don't think I even knew what that word meant, and I clearly didn't connect it with sexuality. I could care less about a relationship at that age. A lot of their "proof" was based on how I acted with my best friend at the time. He and I would play "Spy" a lot and crawl around on the gym floor and hide behind stuff. I know it seems silly now, but at the time it was fun. Anyways, eventually reports from these bullies were sent to the school office. One day when we were all at the water fountain, this one guy (whom I had been best friends with from 1st-4th grade) cut in front of everyone in line. I grabbed him by his belt and pulled him away, kind of as a joke. He went to our teacher and told him that I put my hand down his pants and the teacher immediately called the office. I tried to explain what I did but he sent me straight to the office. When I got there, the principal called me into the back room and closed the door. He pulled out a list and said I had quite the record. Just so you know, I have ALWAYS been the good kid and never did anything to purposely get in trouble. I don't remember exactly, but these were some of the things that were on his list.

Inappropriately touching other students in the bathroom.
Being alone with a male student under the stairs.
Throwing things at other students when angry (reported by the LIBRARIAN)
Grabbing other male students.

The list was much longer than that, but that's all I remember. NONE of it was true, except the stairs thing but like I said, we were just playing a game. The librarian hated me, and the whole throwing things was a flat out lie. I told him that none of this was true, but then he said "Oh, so now you are calling our teachers liars? Are you saying that they are disobeying God and not you?". I don't know how I responded. I just know that after I left he called my mom into the office and talked with her. When I got home I was grounded but she told me that she didn't believe some of the stuff either. Those same bullies followed me up until 9th grade when I switched schools. It was miserable, and by 9th grade year was the only year I attempted to defend myself, but I was too scared to do anything about it.

I'm gonna pause for a minute. That whole thing upsets me every time I think about it and almost always brings me to tears. Why didn't I do anything about it? If that same thing happened to me today I would not have let that principal yell at me and curse me the way he did. I would have yelled back and called all of them liars. But I was young, and innocent, and didn't want any trouble. Damn it! Why can't I change things? I am a totally different person now and would not stand for something like that. If I ever met that principal again I would wish death upon him. I hate him. I don't say that about anyone but him. He ruined my life and made me feel worthless. I was nothing but a "sinful" student to him. Those of you that really know me know that I am one of the nicest people out there and I'm not fake about it;. I don't do anyone to hurt anyone or make them feel bad. I comfort them when they need it. I cry when they cry. I am extremely sensitive to the feelings of others and if I ever see a child treated the way I was that day in the principal's office I would not allow it. I don't care if I lost my job because of it, I know how painful it is. I hate when people are bullied, it reminds me of how I felt and I would never wish that on anyone.Maybe I care too much, but I cannot stand to hear about children who are verbally abused by their peers and those in authority.

I got totally sidetracked. I will save the rest of this topic for tomorrow. I am too upset at the moment to continue and don't want to make this entry any longer than it already is.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Welcome to the Land of Gay Excess

Am I gonna fit in?

This weekend I had a competition for Drama. It's something I've been looking forward to for a long time. I am not going to go into detail about the competition, but I'll get to the part you're all waiting for....the hot guys.

WOW! Who knew there were so many cute guys into theatre. I couldn't keep my eyes off of some of them that were on campus. There is one guy in my group that is kind of cute, but I like him for his personality more than his looks. The first time I got a good look at some cute guys was in the dressing room after our group performed. Even better, one of the guys I knew from online (we had discussed earlier about meeting up) was there and he was even cuter in person. All of the guys in there had on stage makeup and looked twice as hot. There was this one guy there that looked kind of like Blake, and I don't know why but I caught myself looking at him a lot. He wasn't even that cute. But the thing I liked about him was that he either wore makeup all weekend or his skin was naturally perfect.

Now for the gay guys. There were so many flamboyant guys there. But none of them I found to be attractive. Plus I don't really like guys who are overly "gay". By that I mean the guys that go around talking like "Oh em geee! She is just sooooo gorgeous! She's my BFFFFF". Yeah, I know guys that really talk like that. But there was this one guy there that I kept glancing at that I was pretty sure was gay. He combed his hair over and his face wasn't perfect, but his eyes were beautiful. His voice was sexy, like Blake's. I never talked to him, and only made eye contact with him once, but I enjoyed staring at him.

At one point my friend was talking about a hot guy in a play. I was making fun of her for it and she was like "Come on, it's not like you don't think about attractive girls in plays" and I was like "Not really...." and then she said "Or attractive guys". Then I quickly changed the subject. It was really awkward but at the time I really didn't care if she knew. But then I thought about how she was friends with Lilly and I didn't want her to find out I was the least bit interested in guys. I just wish I had someone with me on that trip that knew my secret and I could talk to about the cute guys.

At the end of class today, Blake came and stood beside me. It might have been because I was beside the door but he did look at me and I looked back. He didn't say anything though. I enjoyed the short moment we shared though. God, I'm so obsessed with him.

Until next time (hopefully something worth writing about will come up soon),