Sunday, February 21, 2010

...And Goes Back In

So as soon as I thought things were going straight, something happened today that brought my gay side back out. I was chatting with 3 of my friends on MSN and Yahoo and I had FaceBook up in the background. Suddenly, I heard this subtle ding come from my speakers. I figured it was this one girl that messages me all the time. But no, it was Blake. His name popped up with the message "Hey, whazzup Tristan?". I literally had a heart attack! I told all 3 of the people I was chatting with that he messaged me (they all knew about my crush on him) and I shared all of our messages back and forth with him. Here is pretty much how it went...

Blake: Hey, whazzup Tristan?"
Me: Hey man, not much. you?
Blake: Same, just watching The Hills Have Eyes.
Me: Oh awesome. I've seen parts of that.
Blake: Creepy Shit
Me: Haha, I know. I think there is a sequel but I heard it was stupid.
Blake: Yea, thats the one I'm watchin
Me: Oh, haha. Am I right?
Blake: It's okay, better than the first.
Me: Cool. I love horror movies.
Blake: Me too, what's your favorite?
Me: Umm, probably "The Descent" but it's a few years old. It's really creepy though. Urs?
Blake: Cool. Probably __________ (I forgot what he told me).
Me: Oh, that one's good too.

He then commented on the thing that I am known for online and how awesome they were and I thanked him. Then he said "alright well I'll ttyl" and then got off. I was upset that he got off but was sooo happy that he talked to me. It made my day. Hopefully this means that we will talk some Monday in class.

I'll let you know as soon as something happens (if it does)!


Friday, February 19, 2010

Straight Side Comes Out

Today was very interesting, but also made me consider what I want and who I want. Remember the girl I mentioned earlier, Lilly? Well today was interesting because of her.

So I stayed after school for rehearsal like I have been doing. I'm not in the play but doing something afterwards that I use the cast for. Anyways, she came in freaking out and she was making it obvious so someone asked her what was wrong. She said she left her book bag in her classroom and the teacher had already left and locked the door. The kids in the cast told her to get over it and it's not that big of a deal. They got back to their regular conversations but I looked at her and she was still sitting on the floor nervously. I could tell she was really upset about this so I went up to her and offered to run to the office to get the keys to the classroom while she rehearsed and bring her her stuff. Her eyes lit up and she thanked me and said "I love you Blake! You're my hero!". I know she was just saying that in a friendly way but I liked it. Anyways I got her stuff and brought it back. She thanked me again and she went on with rehearsal.

It's weird. I REALLY like her as a person. She's someone I see as the type of woman to be my wife. I think she is really pretty, but I'm not physically attracted to her like I am to Blake.

Anyways, I also got a chance to talk to her after rehearsal before our rides picked us up and we just talked casually about going to private schools when we were younger and stuff. I don't think she knows I like her yet, but I really want it to be obvious. I may try texting her this weekend if I get up the nerve. We are going to a competition with the show next weekend, so hopefully I can spend a lot of time with her there. We will see...

That's about all I have for today's entry. I didn't see Tristan today because I had a workshop to prepare for SAT's all day.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Superficial Love?

I decided to do an update while my parents are arguing about taking me to Open House for a college I want to go to. I hate my dad, but that's another story.

So a lot of people have been telling me on a forum that I am a part of that I may not really be in love with Blake, I am just infatuated with him. At first, I was thinking that they were wrong. But now that I look at it, that may be exactly my situation.

To me, loving someone means that you have complete trust with them, you enjoy being with them, and you want to spend your life with them. I am not one to downplay the significance of love. In fact, I don't consider high school relationships to be "love". I think to truly love someone, you have to for one be mature enough to understand what love is; and also spend time apart from them. At school, you see each other every single day and in every class sometimes. However, to understand how important someone really is to you, you have to put some distance in between yourselves. I'm not saying you need to be less involved, you just need to have some time to yourself to ponder whether what you have is "love" for that person.

Now I'm not one to go to for relationship advice. I've never been in a serious one, but this all relates back to my feelings for Blake.

When I see him, I can't help but stare into his eyes and notice how beautiful he is. I find myself looking at his chest (when I can) when he is wearing a tight shirt. I also look at his stomach and pelvic area when he leans back and stretches, giving me a slight glimpse of his underwear and his skin. But now, since I am distanced from him, it is all left to my imagination. Yes, I think about seeing him naked. And yes, I think about having sex with him. But I can't seem to find anything inside him that I could see myself falling in love with. It's true that he is very friendly, but so are a lot of people. Our interests are completely different. He doesn't like to follow direction and does things he's not supposed to on the computer when the teacher isn't looking. Normally I would not like people like that, I like goody-goody kids, mainly because I am one. But it's something about his mischievousness that draws me to him. I don't like "bad boys", but he is just enough of a good boy to make up for it.

What I struggle to find out is whether or not I truly am into him, or I just think he's hot. Not that it matters, I never see myself being with him, but I want so badly to be near him and be his friend. Whether it develops into something more is up to fate. I had a dream last night that he came up to me and asked me if I was bi. I told him my answer depended on his, and he told me that he liked me. The next thing I know we are making out. I've had many dreams like this.

Blake is sexy, I want to see his body with no clothes. I want to play with his.... okay I'm getting carried away. But honestly, this "infatuation" keeps growing and growing yet he has no idea that I'm interested in him, even in a friendly way.

These are just my current thoughts. Have you ever been infatuated with someone, or am I just a creepy stalker guy?

Yours truly,

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Life... Defined

I do not have a big entry planned for today, but I had to share this video with you guys. Hopefully I can do a full entry tomorrow, but this video sums up my life exactly.

The only differences:
Blake isn't captain of the wrestling team, he's just on it.
I don't have his picture in a yearbook...yet.
I would never invite him over, let alone call him.
I don't drink.

Other than that this is exactly my situation. I have actually been in one of the plays that he mentions. Weird!

See ya tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Great Start & Celebrity Crushes

So I planned to discuss my celebrity crushes in this entry, but because of something that happened during my day at school, that's gonna have to wait until the end.

So I was in my first block computer class (remember, the one with hot guy Blake?) and we had a sub. Like usual, I kept glancing behind me at Blake. The room is set up where we are all aligned along the walls, so he's all the way on the opposite wall with his back towards me. Anyways, he was looking intently at his screen in one of our programs we can mess around in before the lesson. When the sub was calling role he continued to look at his screen. But when the sub called my name, Blake turned around and looked at me. I'm not sure why, but I liked the eye contact. Anyways, we did the work the teacher left for us and everyone finished about 15 minutes before the bell rang. Unlike my teacher, the sub let us walk around the room and we didn't have to stay at our seats. Then I glanced over and Blake was walking towards me. I thought to myself: Stay cool, stay cool. He may not be coming toward you, don't look at him. Well I was wrong, he did come to me. He said, "Hey, I saw your art on Facebook. You're really good dude". I said thanks and we had a conversation about it and also made fun of the subs hair-piece. My heart was racing the whole time. But then the stupid bell had to ring. Aaaah! It made my day so much better though.

Celebrity Crushes
Ok, now for today's planned topic. I don't have many, but there are some celebrities that I am obsessed with. I'll start with the girls, but I only like them for their personality, could care less about their looks.

Lady Gaga - Favorite Musician. Very talented and open minded. Great person.
Miley Cyrus - I like her personality. She seems like she would be a good girlfriend.

Kate Winslet - Favorite Actress. Sexy and fun person.

Cole Sprouse - MY FIRST celebrity crush. Watched him growing up and he just got cuter and cuter. Dylan is cute too but Cole is sooo sexy! (Yellow shirt if you don't know him). And for the second pic... I'll be needing that later tonight...

Justin Bieber - I hate to admit it... but I think he's hot. Not a fan of his music or personality...but DAMN!

Jake T. Austin - Yes, another Disney Channel kid. But he is so cute! Especially this picture.
So hopefully this will fill you in on what I like and what I think is SEXY. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment below. I want to look them up and I'll let you know next entry if I agree with you. By the way, welcome to the blog all of you new readers!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Perfect Person

Dear Diary,

Alright, so far so good. Still no audience but I didn't expect instant popularity. I'll probably spend a lot of this afternoon looking for tips on promoting my blog.

In today's entry I wanted to describe to you what I think the perfect person, my dream girlfriend/boyfriend. I will divide it up in two sections, beginning with a boy. The reason I do it in this order because like I stated in my last entry, the more surface level attraction is with guys, but the deeper attraction is with girls.

The Perfect Boy
Since I am physically attracted to guys, I think looks are everything. Well, almost. You see, when I picture my "dream guy" in my head, he is extremely cute. I am attracted to the youthful look, so I imagine him to be about 13 to 15 years old. I think the most important feature on a guy is his face. That is the first thing I notice, and what I find myself staring at most of the time (unless he's shirtless or wearing tight pants of course). Maybe the best way to describe this is with a list of my preferences...

Age: 13-15.
Body Type: Slim, but slightly muscular.
Hair Color: Blonde, although brown can look good too, depending on the guy.
Eyes: Blue (or bright green).
Height: Shorter than me.
Style: Prep. Dresses nicely but casual. Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostale, etc. are a plus.

I picture his face to be perfect, with clear skin and a slight hint of a tan. I don't want him dark though.

My Boy Crush
I figured I might as well tell you about my current biggest crush. He is in my first block computer class, and is in the 9th grade. I first noticed him throughout first semester but only saw him a few times (once in the bathroom which was when I got my first good look at him...not in that way). Anyways, on the first day of this semester I was shocked when he came in the room. He is medium height. Shaved head but not bald, and has amazing green eyes. His eyes are what attract me the most. Want to know what made it worse? He was assigned to the seat right beside me. So there I was, sweating up a storm in the middle of January sitting beside the hottest guy (in my opinion) in the school. That was when I learned his name... Blake. Our first project was to create a PowerPoint that described ourselves. I kept seeing out of the corner of my eye him looking over at my computer to see what I was putting. Accordingly, I did the same. I saw a bunch of pictures of football teams, wrestling (I later learned he was on the school team). It seemed like we had nothing in common, yet I was still wildly "in love" with him. We had a few casual conversations on the first few days and the awkwardness of talking to him lessened as time went on. He was great about eye contact, and I "got lost in his eyes" on several occasions.

But then it week into the semester, as soon as I was building up confidence and able to start a conversation with him...the teacher changed around the seating. I remained in my seat, but he was moved on the opposite side of the room, out of my sight unless I turned around. I was devastated the first week, and felt really depressed. Not only because he moved, but because he was the only thing keeping me entertained this semester. Last semester was great, this one has no excitement. Anyways, we are separated. The worst part is that we have to remain in our seats until the bell rings. Not that I'm sure he will talk to me, because the guy he sits beside right now totally makes me jealous. They are always joking around and talking, when they didn't know each othe before he was moved. Anyways, this is my crush. The guy I think about every day, the guy I dream about at night, and the guy that I hopelessly wish is interested in me as well. Blake.

The Perfect Girl
The only thing keeping me from calling myself gay on here is my emotional connection with girls. I enjoy being around them, I can relate to them. Physical appearance means nothing to me. It's all about personality. I want a girl that is smart, creative, confident, and caring. Yes, I tend to go for the "nerdy" type. I don't like most pretty girls, because, at least where I'm from, are either whores or think they are better than everyone. I want to get married some day, and I want to have children. This is another reason why I like to say I am attracted to girls. I've never been "turned-on" by a girl, even when I try. Looking at naked pictures of even the hottest girls doesn't affect me. This is the aspect of my sexuality that is beyond my control. I simply cannot be aroused by seeing a girl. Like I said...Boys - Physical, Girls - Emotional.

My Girl Crush
My girl crush isn't really much of a crush at all. Nothing compared to what I have with Blake. Yet, I feel we have a lot of the same interests, and she fits all of my qualifications. I didn't realize that I was interested in her until the latter part of last semester. I was in a drama class with her last year, and another one this year. But before about 3 weeks before the end of school, she was nothing more than a classmate. I began talking with her, and eventually I got to the point where I felt nervous being around her. Then, I lost her. Well, I mean I am no longer in class with her and only occasionally pass her in the hall. But this doesn't mean it's over. I'm running the lights for an upcoming show she is in, so I will see her at rehearsal. Hopefully she's interested in me as well. By the way, she's a 10th grader and this may be her last year at my school, she's planning on going to some arts school next year. Oh well...


So hopefully this gives you an insight into what I like and what I don't like. Hopefully this is all the introduction I need to do, and my entries will be more focussed on what goes on during the day as my life and sexuality evolve. If you know of anyone who would enjoy reading this, please recommend them. I think this will be more fun the more people that get involved.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Introduction (Imported from Bi-Blog)

Dear Diary,

Hello. Welcome to Tristan Talks, or as I like to call it, "Diary of an In-The-Closet Bisexual Teenager". I created this blog as a way to express my inner thoughts and feelings without having to hold back anything. I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. I am semi-popular online, although I will not reveal what platform I am well-known on. I will just say that it is my main hobby. But this blog is not about that. Here is a little background about me and my sexuality.

Since I was about 12 years old, I realized that I was attracted to boys. It began with a small crush I had on a guy 1 year older than me. At the time I went to a private, religious school that I had attended all my life. There, teachers openly criticized gays and allowed students to joke around about them and make fun of them. Since that was all I had ever known, I had no problem with it. And at the time, I didn't know it was even a crush I had on this guy. But I caught myself looking at him a lot in the classes I saw him in. I also had a girlfriend -- well, I called her that at least. We never did anything that best friends wouldn't do besides the occasional gifts on Valentine's and each others birthdays. We "dated" until over the summer of my 9th grade year, when I decided to switch to the public school system.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I began to develop my own identity and a clearer idea of my attractions.  There were so many attractive guys there, and I couldn't help but find myself thinking about them long after class. I also found myself to be attracted to girls, but not in a physical way. Being a Christian, I debated whether or not being gay (what I thought I was at the time) was a sin or not. I still struggle with that today, but now that I have been exposed to a real world environment at my new school, I have come to the conclusion that God loves everyone, even the gays. But again, this blog isn't about religion. With or without being Christian I would still be faced with the same struggles.

So let's fast-forward to 2010. Now it is a lot harder for me to hide my feelings than it was between 6th and 10th grade. I do not like to categorize myself, because I believe that each person is unique, both in their personality and their sexuality. But the label I fit most into is...well, bisexual. The simplest way to put it is that I am attracted to other guys physically, but girls emotionally. I enjoy being around girls more than guys, and I think my personality is more feminine than masculine. I do not like sports, nor cars, nor hunting. I would rather be shopping, going to the movies, or travelling. This isn't to say I'm flamboyant about it though. Up until a month ago none of my real life friends knew about my differences. But over Christmas break I told my best friend, who is a girl, about it. She didn't necessarily agree with my "choice" as she put it, but she didn't think of me any differently. To me, that's all that matters. She is the only one I can tell about my crushes. Yes, it's still awkward, and we only discuss it online. But I trust her completely.

So hopefully this is enough about me to get you started. I will try to be as frequent as possible with these posts, and hopefully this will help some of you guys (or girls) out there going through similar things. Feel free to leave me a comment on my blog posts. You can leave one anonymously and I will do my best to answer or address your comment in my next post.

Tristan Talks