Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Inspired by a Blogger

Yeah... it's been a month and a half, and the only reason I thought of doing this update is because my friend in 4th block was updating her blog and I was like "I have one of those!" then she asked for the link and I was like uhhh.... I forgot it.

Not much has changed with Duncan, we have the casual one or two line conversations but that's about it. I sit beside him on the computers (oh, the memories of last year). But he is more interested in the girl that sits on the other side of him. And the worst part is that it's obvious she doesn't like him. Oh well.... I'm running out of time but my friends can attest that I'm trying hard to make something happen.

A few weeks ago this guy found out I was gay through an old account on a networking site and we started "talking" for about a week but I decided to call it off. I told him it was because I wasn't ready for a relationship but later explained to him that I had other interests. The truth is, I wasn't attracted to him. He was black. I am SOOO not racist, but honestly I'm not physically attracted to black guys. Sure, he was sweet. But he was a little too "gay" for me anyways and he wanted to move too fast for me. I don't want something like that. He probably hates me now but oh well.

Just wanted to give you a quick update. I might post a longer one later this week. Just wanted to let whoever reads this thing know that things are happening, but nothing big. If it does I'll definitely blog about it.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It All Happens So Quickly...

Wow... so much has happened since my last entry. It's late so I'm gonna get straight to the point.

I've been talking to Duncan on several occasions. Nothing really in depth but way further than I ever got with Blake. I still don't know if he's gay but I really don't care. I want to be his friend. He's cute and seems to be down on himself a lot. I am working on changing that. Not the cute part, I like that. Like today, they made an announcement that I didn't hear because I was working on something in another room and I came to him and asked what it said. Then I said "Thanks" after he told me. I want to make him feel important and that he is helpful. Actually he was the first person I saw but I wanted to talk to him more than anyone.

But wait, there's more....

Remember Lilly from Season One of Tristan Talks (lol)? Well I'm in a play with her, and she knows I like her. So what happened was.....

I posted a status on Facebook saying "You have no idea how much I'm into you" referring to Duncan. The next day at rehearsal, Lilly along with 2 other girls who I'm good friends with were like "so... I saw your status". Then they kept begging me for info and I told them that it was actually 2 people. They continued bugging me about it at home on Facebook so I was just like "Lilly, text me". I explained to her that I was physically attracted to guys but really wanted a serious relationship with a girl. I told her the status was about Duncan, but I told her I'm also into someone else. "Is it me?" "Yes". Since then we've been texting and talking more at rehearsal. I still don't know if she likes me back but she said that no guy has ever told her that they like her before so it made me feel kind of special. I sat with her at the pep rally last Friday on the junior side of the gym instead of the senior. I don't know though. I mean she knows I'm into guys and I would think she's the type that is grossed out by that but maybe not. We will see how it goes...

There is this new friend who is also from drama who I've really opened up to. She's extremely accepting and now knows everything about me, Duncan, and Lilly. Her name is Storey. But anyways, you may hear me mention her in the future.

I'm so tired so I'm gonna get to bed. Just thought I would update you on what's going on. Thanks for your comments and emails, I'll respond to them as soon as I get a chance.

Love you guys,

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Blogging Without a Cause

Since there were no responses to my last entry I take it to assume that no one reads this blog. That or you read part of it then leave. But then again, this is more personal for me so I could care less if anyone reads it or not. But if you do I really appreciate it and your responses are welcomed.

School has been in for a little over 2 weeks. I'm starting to make 3 or 4 new friends but mostly I'm sticking with the ones I already know. I was cast in an after school play which consumes a lot of my time but I enjoy doing it because I'm with the people I love. There is this one freshman boy in the show (he's doing tech) who doesn't seem to know anyone and sits by himself most of the time. Last rehearsal I took a risk and said hi to him and told him I did tech for the last play we did. I'm not one to speak to random people but I want to be his friend so if he wasn't going to make the first move, I was. No, I don't think he is THAT cute but I'd be interested in getting to know him. His name is Justin.

As for Duncan... I added him on Facebook and tried chatting with him once but he had to go about 5 messages into the conversation. He seems like a really cool guy but I have yet to speak to him in person. I'm hoping we get grouped together soon. I also mentioned Andrew, who is in the same class as Duncan. I have spoken with him several times and Friday he said hey to me when I got there. He's definitely older than I'm usually into but he is really hot. Too bad he isn't that smart and doesn't show any signs of being gay. As for Duncan, he is extremely smart. And I wouldn't doubt it if he was gay or bi. Then again I don't know him. I'm looking for more of a friendship right now than anything.

I'm going on my first campout with scouts in about 6 months next weekend. I really missed being with my friends but now they aren't really that close minus Ron. We still talk a lot and went to the movies together yesterday. No worries, he's still straight. But I like hanging out with him because he's accepting of me and he's open about his feelings. I think spending this time together will help us grow closer. I just wish I had someone I could talk to about being gay who actually understands. I need gay more gay friends. Alejandro is too immature and Clint doesn't seem to be looking for anything more than a sexual partner. I'll pass.

If you read this, please leave me a comment or shoot me an email at tristantalks@gmail.com


Monday, August 23, 2010

A New School Year, A New Start?

Senior Year. The year of decisions. Decisions that make up your future. Most kids my age only struggle with career choices, but for me, I have much stronger struggles within my heart.

This year is different for me, mainly because at this time last year, no one knew I wasn't straight. I told my best friend I was bisexual last Christmas, and have told at least 10 other individuals since then that I was gay. The stories are true, each person close to you that you tell is a huge load off of your shoulders. I still don't plan on telling my family. I MAY consider telling my mom when I have found a partner that I want to spend my life with, but until then, not a chance.

So Senior Year. Yes, Blake is still there. But I don't see much of him anymore except occasionally in the mornings before school. But to be honest that may be a really good thing. The first day I was a bit disappointed because I didn't notice any attractive guys in my classes. But by the second day of school, I noticed I had my share of cuties.

First Block: Math - NONE.

Second Block: Video Production - 2.

  • "Duncan" - Short, pale, cute face, innocent looking. Red lips. Childish eyes. Medium/Long Blonde hair. 10th grade. Deeper voice than expected. Quiet. Timid.
  • "Andrew" - Tall, handsome. Looks older than I usually like but his face makes up for it. Friendly/
I am way more interested in Duncan though. Andrew may be more of a "hot guy" but something about Duncan interests me. I got partnered with Andrew on our first assignment which was to interview each other. He is very friendly but again,, he'd the hot guy and definitely straight. Duncan is more mysterious. We went outside today to take pictures and he seemed to follow me and even stood beside me for the pic. I have never spoken to him, but I added him on facebook tonight and he accepted. He's in all honors classes. Something that is very important to me. I think he'll be my main interest this semester.

Third Block: English - 1.5

The people in this class aren't worth mentioning by name. One was in my English and History class last year. We talk occasionally but he's not extremely hot. That's what the .5 is for. And then there's this other guy who is pretty cute, but I don't think I'll be pursuing him that much, he seems pretty straight.

Fourth Block: Business - 0.5

There is a decent looking guy in there, but not worth mentioning.

There are 3 other guy's I HAVE to mention. Remember Alejandro, the gay guy who I first hid my identity from but then he figured out who he was? I think he's onto me. He's been replying to a lot of my statuses on Facebook and I talked to him for the first time in person on Friday which was REALLY awkward. But he's gotten cuter.

There's another guy, Clint. He went to my old school and recently dated this guy from my drama class. He knows I'm gay, and broke up with his boyfriend about a month ago. He's definitely cute so he's definitely an option. However, he may be a bit too sexual for me. I want more than just someone to sleep with.

FINALLY, while I was at my drama club meeting today, I saw plenty of new faces. New, young faces. There were 4 new freshmen boys in particular. 1 was Mexican (not very cute), 2 were kind of cute and blonde, then I saw this one guy. WOAH! I hate to admit this but he is about 3x cuter than Blake. I learned from reading the list of new members that his name was Mikey. Definitely my first freshmen crush this year. I feel like such a perv but I can't help it. Beauty is beauty. And the fact that he's into drama makes him soooo much more desirable. He even checked out a script because he was really interested in learning about the play we are doing. Speaking of which, my director begged me to take one and come to the audition. I figured it's worth a shot. Being cast along side Mikey, how could I resist?? I hope he gets a part, even if I don't. He seemed genuinely interested. Such a cute boy, wow. I NEED to see him again.

So yeah, just wanted to give you an update on the new school year. I AM POSITIVE that I will be way more current with this journal now that I am back into a social environment.

Recap: Cute Guys -
Duncan - 2nd block
Andrew - 2nd Block
Alejandro - Gay guy, might be interested in me.
Clint - Gay guy. I WANT to be interested in me.

That help? Talk to you later. BTW, please comment to let me know you read this, even if it's anonymous. Thanks.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

It's Really Hard...

...Getting over someone when they decide to upload super sexy shirtless pictures on their Facebook. Ughh, right when I thought I was over Blake, he posts extremely hot shirtless pics of him swimming on Facebook.. Hello?!? You think I can just ignore something like that? Words can't describe a body like that. He's not super muscular, and is about average weight, but GOD he's gorgeous.

Sorry this wasn't a true blog post. Just needed to update you on my feelings. I am so NOT OVER BLAKE! :(

Friday, July 16, 2010

Letting Go

ALAS! I have returned! From where you say? Well, from the land of laziness and insignificant hopes. No but really, I'm sorry for the HUGE gap between this entry and my last. But to be honest, you haven't really missed that much (if there is anyone out there who still reads this thing anyways).

On July 1st, I embarked on an adventure that would truly be known as my greatest vacation ever. I went with a group from school to London, Paris, Switzerland, Florence, and Rome. But I'm not here to tell you about the trip, this is more about the people that went. There were 17 of us that went, the majority of those being adults. There were 4 boys that went. Out of those 4 boys, one was bisexual (me) and one was gay (We will call him Thomas). I've known Thomas for a few years but I was not certain that he was gay until this past school year. I've never been in a class with him but he is really into drama, just like me. Sadly though, he graduated this year. Meaning this trip was my last chance to finally connect with him. Which we did, but not in a manner that I would have liked. All of us that went on the trip became really close friends. However, Thomas never hinted towards his sexuality on this trip. But neither did I. I wish he knew that I was gay (we will get into why I say "gay" later). But I'm almost certain he has a boyfriend. Actually I know he does, but I don't see that relationship lasting much longer since his boyfriend is going to a different college as him. I would never try to interfere with their relationship, but I think that if he and I had bonded more on this trip it would have made it even more meaningful.

On the last night of the trip, I had a really deep discussion with my two roommates, none of which were Thomas. However, he was the topic of discussion. One of the guys asked if he was gay, I immediately said yes. We got to discussing our opinions on gay people and one of the people said that they were okay with gay people, they just thought it was weird when two guys in high school dated and they thought that being gay was something that didn't truly happen until you were in your mid to late twenties. I spoke up and said that when you are gay you always know it, from the time you begin to be interested in anything sexually. I continued to share my thoughts and feelings on the issue when one of the guys said "Wow, you sure do know a lot about being gay". My response "Well....I just know what it's like". There was a REALLY awkward pause. After what seemed like hours of silence I said "I've known I've been interested in guys since I was in about 6th grade". Once I made that statement the awkwardness stopped. They were totally accepting of it. This was the first time I've come out to someone (in this case 2 people) in person. What's even weirder is that I had only known them for 11 days. But the fact that they weren't weirded out (yet shocked) made me feel really comfortable around them. We continued to talk about it and they asked me questions, and then our thoughts diverted to other topics.

But back to the topic of this entry. From this point on I am LETTING GO of my past crushes. Thomas has gone off to college, I'll never see him again so what's the point of liking him. Yes, I still have feelings for him but I think once I get my mind off of him those feelings will die out. And Blake........well I am going to try and let him go. Which is easy for now since I haven't seen him in over a month. However if I do have a class with him next year my attraction and desire for him will reawaken. But for now I'm putting him out of my mind and thoughts. I'll still keep an eye on his Facebook though and see if he uploads any more sexy pictures to add to my "Blake" folder. Ummm.... you didn't hear that.

You know how I am about labelling myself, and before this point I have labelled myself as bisexual. However, lately I have been pretty set on the fact that I am closer to the gay hemisphere. But I'm not to the point where I can say I'm 100% gay. Cause to be honest. Well, here's where I stand on the Gaydometer:


So was considering myself bisexual a lie? No, not at all. In fact I think these are all building blocks for me to determine my sexuality. A more appropriate title for me would be Sexually Confused. But the thing is, I'm not letting this confusion control my life. I will be open to whatever strange and oblique paths my attractions take me, and will not limit myself to a stereotypical label such as Straight, Bi, or Gay.

Toodles for now, I will try to be more on-task with updating this Diary. Thank you to those who still read. You guys make this so much more enjoyable.

Take care,

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Teacher Creeper

Ok, I'm done with the lame titles. But these are the only two words to describe the situation I have inevitably involved myself in. So it ALL started last Friday...

I was on Facebook, bored, like always. I wasn't doing much more than stalking people's statuses when I hear the chat window pop up. I see it is my Bible teacher from my old school (whim I haven't talked to in years). We started out having a very casual conversation: Whatsup, how's life, how's school? But then things got a little weird. He asked if I was dating anyone. Kind of a weird question coming from an ex-teacher (he was my teacher in the 9th grade by the way). I told him no and I'm saving the serious stuff for college. He then made the comment "well I bet your hands get plenty of use then". Umm, awkward? I was just kind of like "haha, yeah". But then he kept going on, and eventually asked how often I masturbate. HOLD UP! Time to text my best friend who also had him as a teacher. She told me to keep the convo going. So we did... and he got more and more sexual, talking about how he wants to jerk off right now and can't wait to get home so he can do it (he was at work... as a youth pastor). He asked for my number, I foolishly gave it to him. About 20 minutes later he texted me and said "okay, I'm home now, I threw off my clothes at the door and I'm completely naked and so horny right now". EWW! Relaying every message to my friend, he continued to ask me about my penis size and how much I cum. He then asked if I liked girls, I told him "not really...". He began to tell me about all the sexual experiences he's had with guys. He then asked me if I wanted to meet him sometime and jerk off together. I politely told him no.

I AM SOOOOO NOT MAKING THIS UP! This guy was my BIBLE teacher for Christ's sake. And now he's gone super perv/homo. He later asked me out of all the guys at my old school who did I want to fuck. I answered honestly, haha. But then I asked what about him which was a mistake. He answered with the most obvious answer..."you". Should I be flattered or creeped out? The idea of being fucked by a teacher isn't appealing. It's not even like he's cute. Even if he was that wouldn't make a difference. He then asked for me to send a pic of my dick. I refused. He begged. I still refused. He sent me a picture of his dick EWW! Not only was it tiny, it was disgusting that he would even do such a thing. This was getting serious...

Normally, I would report someone like this. But he lived about an hour and a half from me and he'd have to make a serious effort to come and do any harm to me. I wasn't really threatened by him, I was more shocked and grossed out than anything.

So over the next few days he continued to text me and asked to hang out 2 more times. Both of the times I said no and made it clear that I wasn't interested in him at all. Not just because he was my teacher, but because he's like 25, I'm barely 17. That's almost a 10 year difference. Besides, anyone who jumps straight into sexual stuff isn't anyone I'm interested in anyways.

After talking to Ron I discovered that he had talked somewhat sexual to him too. But mostly just through jokes. It's still inappropriate. I didn't tell Ron EVERYTHING that the teacher said or sent to me, but he has a pretty good idea.

Oh, another thing. The teacher told me to not tell ANYONE. Too bad, I've told 2 of his former students and all of you guys. Don't the predators always say not to tell anyone? Why would I keep something a secret if the worst that would happen is you would lose your job and your whole life, I have nothing to lose. No, I don't plan on telling anyone that matters or that would put him in any danger of being exposed, but I have to gossip, that's what teenagers do!

Anyways, I know I'm a little late with telling about this but I wanted to see how far it got before I tried to write about it. NO I'm not making plans on getting involved with him. He hasn't texted me all day. THANK GOD!

In other news, I went to the river with my brother and his friends (the twins who are amazingly cute). Actually they aren't as cute as they used to be. I took lots of pics, too bad I can't show you guys. Yes, they are the most redneck guys I've ever met but they also like joking around about sexual stuff. Immature, yes. But sometimes that works to your advantage when you are attracted to someone, haha.

Goodnight my readers, thank you for your comment Danny. They really do mean a lot and I enjoy reading your feedback. I just wish EVERYONE who read this would leave a comment. Please? ;)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cheater Cheater


Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Been busy with other things.I'm sure you are all DYING to know what happened between me and Alejandro (not). Well, as I guessed, nothing. We texted again a few days afterwards but it wasn't about much. Although he did give me some ideas of other gay guys at my school that I didn't know about. My friend told me that she bets he was interested in me until I told him I wasn't planning on coming out any time soon. Oh well, I just don't like that he knows my secret, which may not be a secret much longer.

I'm becoming a lot more open about it now and have a feeling the next time someone asks I will say yes. I've come to realize that people today are way less judgmental than I thought, and some of the most popular seniors were gay. It all depends on who you associate with. My friends from my old school would probably shun me if I told them I was gay. But the ones I have at school probably could care less.

I don't really get what I would do to "come out". I mean, what would I change? I'm not gonna become super flamboyant because that's not me. I don't plan on changing, but I wish there was a way to let people know without directly saying it myself. I thought about putting it on Facebook, but I have too many people on there who are friends with my parents so that might not be the smartest idea. I'm not planning on making any hasty decisions, but I'm slowly building up the confidence to be more open about it.

So time to bring up someone I haven't mentioned in a long time. Lilly. I went with my friends to the library during lunch on Thursday at school and saw her sitting at a table working on something. My friends knew her too so we sat with her. We found out she was making a 39 in Chemistry and her mom told her if she doesn't pull it up to at least a C she couldn't take any more drama classes. This was really out of character for her because she is one of the smartest people in her grade. But when she told me her teacher I knew that he was the problem, not her. I had heard many people last year complaining about him, and the guy who was #3 in our class was also failing. Anyways, I offered to let her copy my worksheets so she could turn them in. Why is it that I try to win everyones heart by cheating? Anyways, I gave her the notes on Friday morning but we didn't get to talk long. However, we made up for it Friday night by talking after the drama awards. I really like her personality, and I think that she is really pretty, but still, I am attracted to guys and don't want to get too involved with her because I would feel like I was being dishonest. Or is that what I want? This whole "bi" thing is so confusing!

That's about it for now. I'll try to update more often but this summer seems like it is going to be pretty uneventful. Except for when I go on my Europe trip in July with this gay guy (not just us, it's a school trip). But according to Alejandro he has a boyfriend. Oh well, maybe he will be up for some cheating. There I go again...

Until next time my lovely!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You Build Me Up, You Break Me Down

Wow, what an eventful past two three days. I should have kept you up to date day by day, but this should work okay.

So rewind back to Sunday. I was on Facebook and saw that this gay guy posted a link to formspring. Yes I know him in person, and yes I know he is gay. He's a freshman, but he seems smart and has similar interests as me. Anyways, I decided to go on and ask him some questions. I asked if he was gay, what attracted him most to guys, and if there was a way I could talk to him. So obviously, I made a fake email address with another name and wrote him. He told me that he's been out to his parents and friends since the beginning of the school year. Even though I kept telling him I didn't want to reveal any information about who I was, he kept guessing and asking questions about me. At one point after he asked my hobbies he made a stab at who I was, and he was right. I just told him no, and to stop asking those questions. I don't know how he got it. Apparantly I'm the only white guy at our school who likes acting and photography, lol. We continued to talk, and I explained to him about how I felt more attracted to guys but still had strong emotional connections to girls. He agreed. Later he said he had to go to bed so he gave me his number. I told him if I texted him he could just call my phone and get my voicemail which had my name, so I was like nooo.

So now it's Monday. I had to go to an awards thing after school and decided to wait until I got home before I emailed him. When I got back, he had already emailed me. I responded, then he sent me this...

 ... and i have your identity . I guessed it before but now I have it! Don't deny it! You know I'm right . Hence why I'm so smart. I figured it out by how you write. Your grammer. It's unique. I then went on your page compared them. Dude I thought you were gay when I saw you lol. It's all cool though . 

So yeah, he caught me. I made the bold move and told him he was right, and began talking to him on Facebook but then he gave me his number again so we texted. We texted for over 2 hours, and I really thought it was going somewhere. We talked about YouTube videos, school, music, interests, and lots of other stuff. But then I saw a conversation he had been having with a girl that he posted on Facebook. 

(OF COURSE, When I FINALLY finish this entry, it doesn't publish and the draft only saved up until this point. Sorry if I rush through this, but I'm not spending another 45 minutes retyping it all).

Anyways, the girl asked if he had heard from the guy that had been emailing him and he said yes and that he had found out who it was but it was a "total let down" and "wasted time of my life" and that he would tell her who it was tomorrow. I was really upset about this. First, I hated knowing that he considered me a "let down". Second, he promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone who I was. I texted him, saying "Oh, and sorry I was a 'let down' (Facebook)". About five minutes later  he responded telling me that it was about someone else, some guy at some other school wh o was bi and had been emailing him. I didn't believe him for a second, but decided not to call BS and just accept it, but I told him that if he didn't want to talk to me anymore that was ok. He responded, telling me to chill and it really wasn't about me. Again, still not believing him, I dropped it and we continued to talk until he had to go to bed.

I was really excited, yet still weary about it all. I had that nervous feeling in my stomach. I just admitted so much to someone I barely know other than the fact that he is gay. There was still the chance that he was being honest when he told me that the status conversation wasn't about me. I guess I would just have to wait until Tuesday to find out what happens next....

Nothing...absolutely nothing. No texts, facebook chats, emails, no coming and speaking to me at school (I didn't even see him), nothing. I wasn't expecting him to come up to me and ask to make out or anything, but just a text saying "hey" would have been enough to let me know that he was interested. Not even in a relationship sense of the word, I would just like to be friends with someone in person who felt the same way as I did. And if he did, then maybe we could try dating. I was told by a friend that this was a "desperate" move, but honestly I'm not desperate. I didn't go into this seeking a relationship, but then again I do only like him because he's gay. I wouldn't call it desperate, but I definitely agree that it's wrong. I don't like him like I like Blake. There is no attraction to him other than the fact that he is gay and that he is sort of cute. But I just wanted this to turn into something. I'm not sure what exactly, but I wanted it to work out. I don't know what he will do with what he knows about me. I still don't even know that he's NOT interested, I just know that he hasn't attempted to make any contact with me since he found out who I was besides the rest of our texts that evening. But now I just feel like I exposed myself entirely to a complete stranger. He's holding a loaded gun to my head, and I'm the helpless victim. With my biggest secret in his hands, he gets to choose what he does with it. He can either pull the trigger, or let me go unharmed. I guess we'll all find out soon...

We shall call him... Alejandro.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Topic Blogging

This isn't really a formal entry, but I need you guys/gals help with something...

I'm really trying to bring a new audience to this blog. I know you like the personal entries, and I will continue to do them, but I also want to discuss some topics that don't come up in my every day life. It can be from sexuality questions to any of life's issues. Would you guys like me to star doing advice, where you submit situations (anonymously) and I answer them with what I think is best to handle them? I've seen that done before and people seem to enjoy it. I'm just trying to make this more than a personal blog and turn it into also an informative blog about Bisexuality or social issues from my perspective. What I'm asking of you is easy: Just leave a comment on this blog with some ideas of what you want to see to keep you coming back to my blog. I really enjoy you guys' feedback, but so far I only know of 2 or 3 of you that actually interact and comment. Other than that I feel like I'm writing to myself. So please, offer me some ideas. I will continue to post about my personal life, but with only a couple weeks until summer my social life is almost over for the school year, haha.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Love Letter Never Sent

Thank you to the two of you who commented. I agree with what you are saying about being very reserved with Ron and not changing. I never planned on changing anyways. We were walking around the graveyard again last Wednesday and he was telling me more about his girlfriend problems and he made a comment (I forgot what it was) but in my response I had to bring up the gay thing. Oh I remember now. He was talking about how some guys think about sex all the time and I told him that I'm not like that but there is someone on my mind a lot. Then he was like "why don't you just tell her you like her" and I responded "It's a lot more complicated than that". He was confused and I told him "remember what I told you the other night? I can't tell them because they aren't like me and don't feel the way I feel". He then caught on and quickly changed the subject like he was uncomfortable. Not that I wasn't, but I just wish I could talk to someone about it in person. Oddly though, later he was talking about this guy in my troop who apparently has had lots of girlfriends and said "it's not like he's good looking" and then asked me "Who do you think looks better, me or him?". I told him that he was better looking. I was quite surprised that he asked that because that's something you don't normally ask a guy. I don't know, he probably wasn't even thinking about the gay/bi thing at the time.

But anyways, I wanted to focus this entry on constructing a letter to Blake that I will never send. I want to type out m feelings for him in the way that I would really do it if I knew that he knew. This is gonna get a little personal, but why not?

Dear Blake,

I wanted to write you this note because I know we do not talk much in person. I'm not sure exactly what my reason for writing you is but I'll keep going anyways, haha. I just wanted to tell you that I have really enjoyed getting to know you this semester. I know we aren't exactly friends in the way I want to be, but it's not like we don't have any other chances. Since the first day of class I realized something was special about you that I don't see in many guys. I don't mean that in a weird way, haha. I just didn't know anyone in that class except one person and was worried about who I would be sitting next to and when I saw the teacher point you to the seat beside me I was very relieved. Hey, you know how scary some of the people in that class are?? Anyways, we didn't talk much for the first few days, but I learned a lot about you through the PowerPoint we had to create at the very beginning of the year. Yes, I still remember that. I saw how you copied my words to describe myself, and I liked it, haha. Anyways, you have no idea how upset I was when the teacher moved you across the room. I was torn up over that for several days. I was really hoping we would become friends and it felt like she took that chance away from my for no reason. I added you a few days later on Facebook just so I might have the chance to still talk to you. Thank you for accepting the friend request and chatting with me all the times you have. Every time I see that you have sent me a message my heart pounds and I try to make our conversations last as long as possible. However, lately you have been acting differently. I've noticed how you seem to be less concerned with doing your work. I heard you tell someone yesterday that you had a 63 in math. It really hurt me and I was hoping you were exaggerating. You have so much potential dude. I hate to see you have a bad start to your time in high school. I know it seems like you have a long way to go, but as a Freshman you are developing habits that will stick with you throughout your life. If you slack off and think it is okay to make grades like that then you will never push yourself to improve. I know your friends think it is funny when you tell them you make grades like that and make them laugh, but what is even more impressive is when you say you have a good grade in something. It makes others proud of the work you have done and see that you have dedication to school. Your future right now may seem far off but it really isn't. I'm already a Junior and it seems like just the other day I was a freshman. It goes by way too fast and soon enough you will have to decide what you want to do with your life. I'm not giving up on you because even though we aren't the best of friends, I have observed you throughout this semester and see how you can do good if you stay focussed. I see a lot of qualities in you that are so important to keep with you. My original intent with this letter has changed as I have written it. I want to be your friend, and I want to be the one you go to for advice. I really care about you, in a way that I've never cared about anyone else besides myself. Please accept my offer of friendship, not through Facebook this time but as a true friend that you can rely on. I know you probably already have plenty, but I have a feeling that we can help each other in many more ways than we think.


Ughh, as I was writing that I was thinking about how I would really send it to him, but there's no way that is going to happen. We aren't close enough for that. I originally planned on it being a "letter" declaring my love for him but it changed it's purpose to serve as a request for friendship instead. I wonder what his reaction would be if I really sent him this. I guess we will never find out.

What are your opinions on love letters? How do you think he would respond to this one?


Monday, May 3, 2010

Coming Out #2

Ok, so this was completely Unexpected but it happened anyways. I was talking to Ron last night about how I was losing interest in scouts and he kept asking questions about why and I became more and more honest and eventually just said "I don't think lke most guys, I'm not interested in hunting or fiushing, or even girls". That's where the trouble began. After a lot of explaining myself I eventually said "I know where you are trying to go with this, and if you have something to say then say it". Then he asked, "I think I know something about you, but don't get mad". He asked if it had anything to do with being gay. I told him I didn't feel comfortable discussing that with him but he eventually talked me into sharing. But then his chat started messing up as soon as I typed out a long, well thought out summary of how I am. He told me to send it as a message, so I did...

i dont consider myself gay, but i dont necessarily consider myself straight. in fact, i don't like having only those two set definitions for sexuality. No, i'm not sexually attracted to girls, but i feel i can grow emotionally attached to them and like them for their personality, and build a relationship from that. but i am more physically attracted to guys, but not necessarily their mindset or their personality. so i would not say i'm really bi, because i like both genders for different reasons, but if i ever met a guy with a great personality then i would not be afraid to try and build a relationship off of that if he felt the same.

I sent that but he never logged back on to check it, so this morning I sent him the following message:

I assume you had to go last night and that's your reason for not replying. I just wanted to let you know that I trust you with that information and hope you would not share it with anyone. If you do and I eventually find out, I would be forced to cut off our friendship. I hope that what I told you last night does not change anything between us and doesn't affect our friendship. If you have any questions about it or comments don't hesitate to ask or make them.

He came on this evening and asked if he could call me but I convinced him that I would be more comfortable talking by chat. I hoped to be able to post the whole conversation here but Facebook chat cuts off the history at a certain point so the first hour or so of our conversation has been removed. He was basically asking the same stuff over and over again, why if I still had an interest in girls would I CHOSE to be gay. He still never really got it through his head that I didn't chose to be anything. Here is the part of the conversation that I do have left.

idk, its just still kinda hard to believe regardless of the things uve said before. i dont really know much more to say. i cant force u to like anyone. its ur choice. i like girls, but u dont so its up to u not me. im not gonna judge u, i just dont think ur making the right decision

there was no decision making involved. i didnt chose to like guys, its just how ive always been. just like you didnt chose to like girls

u cant be born the way u r. its not possible. something along in ur life has convinced u that guys r better than girls.

and i respect your opinion. but its just something that has always been a part of me, im just now chosing to accept it

well u said u still have some interest in girls. so somewhere along i ur life, it slowly faded while u grew in interest for guys

no, i never lost interest in girls, i never had it. my only interest in them is their personality but thats not enough to build a relationship from

well its just hard to believe. do u have freinds that r guys that like guys

yes, but none in person that i am really close to. none of them know. thats what makes it so hard for me


but its not gonna change how i am

hope it wont

and i hope you wont tell anyone, this is just between us

ok, well r u ever gonna tell anybody else

eventually but i am very careful with who i tell, only people i can trust

so u wont even tell ur parents

NO, definitely not

ok, i was just asking. would u fell comfortable like talking about it to a counsleor at ur school?

no because i dont think its something that needs counseling. its just something i have to learn to live with and
just accept as a part of me

well ok, i didnt mean that in a bad way. i just thought u should hear others opinions of people u could trust

yeah but no matter what other people try to tell me it wont change who i am. i cant just be like "i want to be interested in girls", it doesnt work that way

i dont mean it like that
u know that too

im just saying yeah ive heard other opinions on it my whole life. our old school was very against it, but no matter what people try to tell me is "right" it cant change how i am. it only makes me less self confident


so what do you think about all this? be honest

well i dont think its right. but i cant change ui

ok, well thats your opinion. but does it change your feelings towards me?

no, as long as it doesnt change u?
*forget the ?

no, it wont change me, like i said ive been this way for like 5 years, so ive been this way as long as uve known me

so do you have any more questions? you can ask anything

no i dont have anything else to ask
well actually i do


dont take this in a bad way at all
but would u rather have sex with a guy or a girl?

i see sex as something in the distance for me, i dont believe in sex without a serious relationship. but if i had that kind of relationship, i would chose guy. like i said, im more attracted to them physically


but like i said, ive never done anything, and if i did it would have to be a lot stronger relationship than anything i plan on having soon. a lot of trust has to be involved.

yeah, i see

but i am very limited on what i consider the "perfect guy" is for me

ok like what do u consider the perfect guy for u

well moreso looks. if you mean by personality then it would be the same as a girl. but i have certain physical characteristics that i find more attractive than others. blonde or brown hair, blue or green eyes, skinny but not too skinny, etc.


id show you an example but that might be a little weird to you lol

yeah, kinda

ill show u a pic but its no one i know in person

that guy had big ears

haha whatever. i mean the face and stuff

yeah i know, he looked like a blonde heade justin beiber

i guess haha, but justin bieber is cute too in my opinion


i just dont like the way he acts. but other than that he is cute (to me)


but it seems like more and more guys are becoming attractive to me as i get older.
11:06pmRon is offline.

Sorry about the weird formatting but that's the only way it would let me paste it. Anyways, that's basically all he said about it. Yes, it upsets me, but there's really nothing I can do about the way he sees it. I just hope it doesn't change anything between us. I like having him as a friend but if he rejects me because of this, it's his loss, not mine.

What are your thoughts on this? Bad idea or good idea?


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Junior Prom Night

So I went to prom tonight because they invited all the Drama kids to come out and be 'paparazzi' for the 'red carpet' theme. I looked forward to it because the girl I like, Lilly, was going to be there too. I got there and talked to a few of my friends before we got started. Lilly got there about 20 minutes after I did and I was relieved she was there. I really wanted to spend time with her. When it was time to start, we stood outside by the red carpet and flashed our cameras. I made sure to stand near her the whole time so we could talk as much as possible, which wasn't much. Anyways, we did that from 8-10 and then they let us go in. We got some food and sat at a table. I talked to her some more but it was a group conversation. Then one of our drama friends came up and forced us out on the dance floor. Lilly has said before that she doesn't dance, and it was very similar to how it was at the drama competition after party we went to in February. But this was somewhat different, it was prom. We got out there and her and I stood very close most of the time, I don't know if it was intentional but she kept moving to stand by me, and I did the same to her. Then my friend finally got her swaying back and forth and she got me to do it as well. Lilly and I faced each other and laughed, we knew we both didn't dance. But it was nice to share that moment with her. Then when it was time to go, we all hugged goodbye and for the first time, I hugged her. It was short, but it was great to embrace her. Now that he play is over I will only occasionally pass by her in the hall like it was before, but I found out she may not be moving, meaning I still have next year.

Thanks for your comment "Johndoe870". I don't think I'll ever make a move to weird Blake out. I'm too shy to even talk to him, haha. And the whole thing with the fake Facebook profile for Ron has ended, my friend and I got bored with it and still weren't getting through with it. And the remark about stuff I don't want people to see on my computer: I am good about that and if anyone else saw the pictures it would be fine, but how the heck was I supposed to know that this guy who has never been to my house before except to drop me off would ride his bike there after getting lost, come in my house, and want to get on my computer, all while I wasn't there? I mean really, lol. Again, thank you for the comment, I REALLY enjoy getting responses from you guys. If anyone else feels like it, please leave me a comment!

Until next time...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"Oh Shit!"

Well today was quite the shocker. But I have some back story since my last entry to make things understandable.

So the evening after I wrote that last entry, Blake came on. In case you missed it, I devised a plan to send him a couple assignments from our computer class of mine to get him caught up. I decided to message him first. I asked what he was up to and then explained that if he ever needed any help in that class he could always ask me. He told me thanks but he doesn't need her class to pass. Then I told him "Well, I was thinking I could send you a few of the assignments that you are behind on so you can print them and turn them in". He responded "hmm, I never thought of that. You just have to tell me what to do". Anyways, I asked for which assignments he was missing and went through and edited them so they looked like his work and emailed them to him. He was very thankful but he soon had to go. I was worried about getting caught, but the satisfaction with his gratitude towards me was soothing enough.

The next day he printed them and turned them in. The teacher was very proud of him for getting caught up. I was a little upset about that but realized I was already one of her favorite students cause I turn stuff in on time. What kinda made me mad though was the fact he never spoke to me, even though we stood beside each other for like 5 minutes before the bell rang. He made up for it though that night when he thanked me again for "saving my ass".

So onto the main topic of this entry. Yesterday, my friend and I devised a way to try and break Ron of his "love-sickness" by creating a fake girl on Facebook who he would fall for and she would ultimately turn him down and make it apparent to him the way he has really been acting. I know that sounds really mean, but it's honestly what he needs. He isn't mentally stable at the moment. Anyways, I made up a fake name, found some pictures of a porn star that looked like she could pass for 15, and made the profile. I added a few of the random suggestions just to give her a start. By the way, if you want a bunch of random guys hitting on you and messaging you their numbers, I highly recommend doing this. But that wasn't my goal. AS SOON as he accepted my friend request, Ron began talking to me and saying my pictures were beautiful. I took his compliments and told him about myself. We talked for a good 30 minutes before I had enough. He was hooked and that's what I wanted. I logged out and told him I would be back tomorrow.

Today I was at our group leader's house for an informational meeting about my trip this summer. When I left, my mom told me that my dad said I had a special guest waiting for me at home. I had no idea who it was and I was really nervous. When I got home, there was a bike sitting in the driveway. I went in the house and guess who came to greet me. Ron. He had been riding his bike and got lost but realized he was close to my house so came by. He was on Facebook on my dad's computer. He had planned to go on mine but my dad told him I had a password set (I normally do that when I'm on vacation but he doesn't know that. THE PROBLEM IS, I had pictures on my desktop of the fake girl account that I used as well as she was still set as the default log in on Facebook. IF my dad would have let him use my computer (which would have made me very angry in any event) he would have seen her pics, and realized that I was her. OH SHIT! I was lucky that he was talking to my mom while I turned my computer on and hurried to delete the pics. I have never been that scared in my life knowing that he came that close to figuring it out. Even though they haven't gotten too involved yet, she was all he could talk about. He logged in and pulled up her pics and talked about all the stuff they had talked about. I acted like I was intrigued by it but could not look him in the face nor look at her pics. I knew it was a lie and I knew that he had actually been talking to me. He kept asking me if she was hot but I couldn't answer, I was still in shock. Anyways, his parents picked him up and he left before I could text my friend and tell her to cover for me and log in as the girl. HE CAME THIS CLOSE to something that would probably leave him in tears and ruin our friendship. Thank God for ill-informed parents.

Earlier this week we had the discussion about gays and Christianity and I learned that he is 100% against Homosexuality. He's one of those people who think all gays deserve to burn in hell for their choice. I am so hurt when people say stuff like that, and know that it shows why people think Christians are so ignorant. I'm a Christian, and I know in my heart that I am not straight, I'm not gonna act like it was my choice because I know it wasn't.

That's all until next time. This is quite an adventure....


Monday, April 12, 2010

Back to School

Today was my first day back after Spring Break. The only thing I was looking forward to was seeing Blake. I passed by him in the morning before class but only saw the back of his head. It was a good feeling to know he was there. Then in first block he was roaming around the room but I didn't want to turn around and look at him because it would be awkward if that was the only reason I turned around. But right before the announcements I was talking to my friend and when she left I was already turned in his direction so I thought, "Why the hell not?" so I glanced over at him. He was sexy as ever and seemed to even be tanner than I last saw him. He never made eye contact with me or came to my part of the classroom all day which kinda made me sad. I don't know why but I was hoping and expecting him to either ask me about my spring break or get some of the answers for the worksheet we were doing (we were allowed to get some from FRIENDS... I guess that's not me). Oh well, I really want him to notice me.

Any ideas on how to get him to notice me or start a conversation? I know that sounds so lame, but I'm really not the type to start a conversation. I want him to come to me. Not that I'm better than him, I'm just shy. Anyways, any ideas would be appreciated!

Friday, April 9, 2010

I Can't Escape!

We went on vacation to the mountains this week. It was a great trip and I enjoyed spending it with my family. However, there was one guy on my mind more than anyone all week, his name was, obviously, Blake.

I dreamed about him Wednesday night. I don't remember much of it but it involved me getting close to my first block teacher and he somehow fell into it. I hadn't really thought about him too much up until that point but after that my mind was on him all day Thursday. I really miss him. And I am almost certain that he has not even considered me at all this week (or ever). I look forward to school only to see him, even if he doesn't even look at me. I know, this sounds like it was written by a 12 year old girl, but it's really how I feel about him. I'd like to just not think about him, but somehow he keeps coming back into my mind.

The thing with Ron has cleared up and we talked for hours this week combined. I will be spending all day with him tomorrow at the amusement park with scouts. Too bad his brother will be in our group, I would rather it just be me and him. But maybe it will keep me from saying too much. I seem to be his go-to guy for support and relationship advice for girls, and you and I both no I have no experience nor interest in the field of study.

If anything interesting happens tomorrow, I'll let you know. Until then, this has been another obsession entry from yours truly...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Ron Going Crazy


I'm gonna try and keep this short, it's a long story that has happened over the past week.

So last Wednesday at scouts Ron and I decided to walk around the graveyard for a bit since we weren't going on the patrol camp out and everyone else was in their patrol meetings. He talked to me about how he's being treated badly at school by his teachers and classmates. He told me stories and it made me really upset that he was being treated that way. I told him he needs to do something to try and get out of that school but he says he wants to stay because he has a good chance of getting valedictorian and can get good scholarship offers.  I told him that there are things more important than that and if they are hurting his morale then he needs to get as far away as possible from them. He would do well in any school, he is a smart kid. We then got on the topic of girls and how he really wanted a girlfriend. He told me about the girl he was interested in who he had never met (he added her on Facebook, i know her in person). I told him that she really wasn't that good of a person and most of her relationships last 2 weeks at the most. He said that would be great, he just wants to know what it's like. I told him it would eventually hurt him more in the end. Anyways, we ended up talking for the rest of the meeting which was about an hour and a half. He needed to talk about this stuff and I was glad to be there for him.

But during this past week...he has changed...big time.

I first notice him join a group on Facebook and start a discussion topic about advice on getting a girlfriend. I figured that was okay, but then he started posting stuff on his wall about wanting to fall in love and get his first kiss and all that. To me it just seemed desperate but I said nothing about it and continued to encourage him. Yesterday when he was talking to me he told me that God had promised him that he would be with that girl (who by the way, takes no interest in him at all). I asked him what he meant by that and told him that I think he is wanting her and is convincing himself that God is telling him that they are meant to be together. I told him I don't think God can "promise" you that because love is a two-way commitment. He told me that he didn't believe me and that God told him that he was going to marry that girl and if I didn't believe him then we should stop talking. I told him that he was acting immature and he needed to just calm down and look at the situation from her perspective and he told me that we should stop being friends if I am doubting his faith and God's promise.

I haven't talked to him since then. He is being stupid and idk why. I believe that God makes promises with people but he doesn't say "You will marry ______ ". I am thinking he just had a dream or something about this girl and he thought it was God talking to him. Anyways, he isn't talking to me and I have to spend all day with him Saturday. I talked to the girl and she said he is acting like a stalker and is really scaring her. I told him that and he told me he think I am just trying to get in the way of God's promise and that he won't stop until he gets with her. That really scares me. He has never been like this before and I don't know what has gotten into him. While I have been typing this I found out from a friend that he is now "going out" with this other girl he met on Facebook who still has a boyfriend. He says he is going to go out with her until the other girl is ready for a relationship with him. UGH, HE IS AN IDIOT!!!

What would you do in my situation? He is one of my best friends and I have been as supportive as possible but he is really acting differently. If he had always been this way I would have never been his friend. But I have tried to help in every way but it's getting out of hand and I'm starting to think he needs professional help.

I will be gone all this week on a family vacation so I won't get to update. I probably won't get to talk to Ron either. Nor Blake (who I still haven't talked to). Ugh, so much drama! I hate it but I always find myself involved in it.

Have a great week,

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring Break...Without Him

I've put off doing this entry for over an hour because of pure laziness and no interest in being sad. But it must be done.

Today was the last day before Spring Break. Excited for the vacation and relaxation. Sad because I will not get to see Blake again for 10 days. I know, boo-hoo, no big deal. But lately I have become more and more obsessed.

The more I try to view him negatively, the more I am attracted to him.  I have mentioned before that I don't like the fact that he is disobedient at times. But then I take a look at him the next day and he is very respectful. It seems like the people he hangs around influence his attitude. Yesterday I was wondering why I found him so attractive. He doesn't really fit my "perfect guy" image, he is a little bit chubbier than the type I prefer and his hair is far shorter than I like. But when I looked at him this morning I realized that he is the most perfect person I have ever looked upon. Maybe I will have to update my previous definition of perfect. But it also got me wondering if there really is something else about him that attracts me to him besides his looks. He is a very friendly person, and dresses very nicely. I just wish I knew him more. I haven't talked with him since the last time we chatted on Facebook.

Today we had a guest speaker in class so I had an opportunity to look away from my computer without feeling weird. Blake switched seats and moved back beside his friend so I slowly scooted my chair back so I could still see him while the speaker talked without turning my head. God, he would think I was the ultimate creeper if he ever saw this, haha. Anyways, what made it even better is I guarantee he was looking at me too, even when I wasn't looking at him. I was watching the presentation and noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was looking in my direction. I made eye contact and he was definitely looking at me. I looked away quickly and he did the same. I hate that. I wish I had just looked at him until he looked away. I will have to try that next time.

Anyways, the problem with Spring Break is that I won't see him. I don't know why I'm like this. I am almost positive he will never be interested in me, yet I can't get him off my mind. It's getting worse. The hardest part is that he has no idea. I like to pretend when he';s looking at me he's thinking about me the same way I am thinking of him. But knowing him he's probably just looking somewhere near me and when I look at him he just glances at me because he thinks I'm looking at him. Ughhh, I don't know. I just wish I knew what he was thinking when he looked at me.

I will update if anything else happens over break. I'm gonna miss him, very, very badly.....

Monday, March 29, 2010

Almost Out...

Last night was an interesting experience to say the least. I was talking with Ron about his vacation and then I was feeling a little daring.

I began by asking if he knew anything about the guy who dropped out of scouts. This is the guy (I don't think I've mentioned him here) that is only in 8th grade but I find very attractive. When I'm not talking to Ron at scouts then he is who I'm looking at, haha. Anyways, he said he didn't know anything about it. Next I told him that I would miss the guy. Then he was like "Why? He always acted like he was tougher than everyone else." and I responded "Idk, I just like him". He didn't really seem to pick up on what I was saying so we just moved on. He was talking again about how he felt like no one likes him and how he only makes friends by talking to random people not at school. He told me about meeting two girls at the amusement park. I told him I wasn't interested in meeting girls. Again... I was feeling daring.

Ron: Yeah, sure you don't like girls.
Me: Lol, you know what I mean.
Ron: No?
Me: I don't really care about meeting girls at the amusement park. I already have other crushes I want to focus on.
Ron: Who are they?
Me: You don't know them. People at school.
(long pause)
Me: I have this one person I'm interested in but I don't want to tell them that I like them because I'm scared it might ruin our friendship and that's not what I want.
Ron: Them or her?

Here's where it got awkward. I began to feel like I should back out. By the way, my online friend who I've mentioned before was talking with me through all this and I was relaying messages back and forth to him. He kept urging me to go on with it and tell him about my sexuality, but I told him I don't think Ron or I was ready for that just yet.

I told Ron that he knew what I meant and he was like "whatever!". We got off topic again, and then he made a reference to Adam Lambert. 

Me: And no, Adam Lambert is not the crush I'm talking about, lol.
Ron: U sure?
Me: Yes, he's like 30 isn't he?
Ron: 26.
Me: Still too old for me.

This is pretty much where our conversation ended. He didn't respond until I changed the subject. I'm kind of glad that it didn't go any further. The crush I was talking about was Blake, obviously, but the same goes for Ron. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of something that isn't really important. He comes from a religious family and still goes to a private Christian school. I know from experience that "being gay is a sin" is taught and instilled in the minds of all the students. That's how it was taught to me anyways. But anyways, if he felt the same way I did then I might be interested in trying to start a relationship with him but the way things are going it doesn't look like anything is gonna happen soon.

More to come, hopefully...

Friday, March 26, 2010

New Design and Raging Hormones

Dear Diary,

I gave you a face-lift. Hopefully the new design is more appealing. I really like it.

Thanks for the interaction on my last entry. I received some questions through Formspring which I will answer later in this post. Thank you Danny and "Anonymous" for your comments.

Is it possible for raging hormones after you have gone through puberty? Lately I have noticed my mind has been on love a lot and I find so many more people attractive. I used to be very selective with who I considered "hot". Now I find something attractive about most guys I see (and some girls). Although I still think freshmen are the cutest, there are some sophomore and junior guys that are really cute. I don't know when I started noticing them all but it hasn't been more than 2 weeks.

Forget the whole "I'm over Blake" thing. That was a lie. I was over him for a day but back to being obsessed with him the next. He got called out and threatened by the teacher on Wednesday giving him his last warning for being on other sites and programs when he's not supposed to. He's definitely more respectful now. I see in him what I saw in him a long time ago. A sweet, somewhat innocent boy. And the burgundy Aeropostale tight long-sleeve shirt he was wearing yesterday was soooo cute. That was the first point since my last entry when I noticed how attractive he was again. It's in his build, skin, and eyes. His eyes are amazing and his long lashes really make them stand out. It's official, I'm in love again.

In our drama club meeting yesterday they asked for volunteers for people to portray "paparazzi" at this year's "red carpet" themed prom. They want drama students to stand beside the carpet and flash our cameras and interview the  students. It sounds a little cheesy but I think it would be fun. I wasn't planning to sign up though until I saw Lilly put her hand up. She is a sophomore so she wouldn't be able to go to prom but this way she could. Sure, she would have to stand at the entrance the whole time but at least she is there. Plus I believe she is moving this summer so this may be her last chance. I immediately volunteered. I wasn't planning on going to prom anyways and this way I can "technically" go to prom with her. I just hope we get to stand near each other and talk. I REALLY like her personality. She's the only one I would want to be with at prom anyways. Well, the only girl that is...

So what do you think? Why am I just now becoming attracted to so many people and seeking to fall in love? I never really cared about any of that stuff until the middle of last year which was long after I went through puberty. Is it a level of maturity? Tell me your thoughts.

- TS

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm Over Him....Aren't I?

I have come to the conclusion today that I am OVER Blake. At least I think...

His attitude seems to have completely changed, or I was just blinded by beauty to realize it had been that way all along. He seems to be more focussed on "being cool" than being respectful and does a lot of little things to disrespect and disobey the teacher just to make his friend laugh. That kind of attitude is a total turn off for me. I am very courteous to others and treat my teachers with a lot of respect and I hate to see others do the opposite. He doesn't do things that are blatantly disrespectful, but he is very disobedient and repeatedly does stuff the teacher tells him not to. It's like he is pushing her limits to see when she will snap.

What makes me uncertain about whether or not I'm really over him is the fact that I am still extremely attracted to him. His looks, his smell, his voice, his presence in general. I think I will come straight back to him next time he messages me on Facebook or says something to me ib person. It's like a crush I can't get over even if I want to. But I'm not necessarily certain if I'm ready to let go yet. I guess only time will tell.

What is your best advice for getting over a crush?

See you soon!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm Still Alive But I'm Barely Breathing

Nah, only Blake can take my breath away.

Anyways, not much has been going on in this confusing life of mine. I've been talking to my friend whom I met from this blog online a lot. It seems like we have talked for hours every day since we met. We have so much in common and he is really smart about certain things. It doesn't hurt that he is cute too. Haha, he will probably kill me when he sees this. But I mean it. He's the first person I've talked to that feels the same way I do about guys and girls. Of course, he's had more experience than me (lucky). But I really enjoy talking to him and hope we can remain friends.

I started a Facebook chat with Blake the other day but he didn't stay long. I don't know if it was because I was annoying him or just because he had to go. But I won't start a chat with him again until he does with me, just to be sure.

We had a fire drill on Thursday in first block so I got to stand near him. But I also saw that he was friends with a lot of the "gangsters". That is probably the whitest thing I have said but you know what I mean. And no, I'm not racist, but I mean the guys that think they are cooler than everyone else. But then again, he's on the wrestling team so he's probably close with a lot of them. But he told me in a chat once that "I'm not racist, but sometimes black people are fucked up". Lol, I just thought that was funny. Anyways, I didn't really get to stand that close to him because I was talking to my friend, but he is still as cute as always. Although I think his voice is changing. He has had a raspy voice the past week or two. I'm gonna miss his old voice, it was amazingly sexy. And I'm not just saying that because I have a crush on him. If anyone heard his voice they would think the same. So smooth and clear. Okay, I'll stop.

Hopefully people are still reading this. Leave a comment if you want. It can be anonymous I think. I like to believe that there are people who are actually getting enjoyment from reading this and I'm not just doing it for my own benefit. I'm thinking about expanding and maybe getting a Twitter or a Formspring so you guys can ask me anything you want. Would you like that? Let me know.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Unfortunate "Date"

So I wanted to wait until after the game on Saturday to do this entry so I would have enough stuff to talk about.

Let's go back to about 20 minutes after I posted my last entry. I was in a conversation with my best friend from school and Ron. Ron was being really serious about how he didn't have a girlfriend and how no one likes him. I felt really bad and tried my best to comfort him and tell him that he's only 15 and has plenty of time to find the right one for him. Then suddenly, at 10:05.... guess who starts a chat with me on Facebook? BLAKE! I had been waiting for him to come on all day and the one time I am not constantly checking the Online list he is there. The conversation started with him driving to Bi-Lo, to him having his permit, to driving, to our test in first block, to IM programs (I told you we would talk about that, unfortunately he didn't know what they were), my stuff on Facebook (and how he really likes them), to our classmates, to....idk what else. But we talked for 45 minutes. It was sooooo nice! Meanwhile, I was still talking to Ron about his depressing dilemma. It was kinda hard to focus on either conversation fully. But anyways, I was on an emotional high all night because of that chat with Blake.

The next day, he didn't talk to me or anything, but at one point the teacher was showing an example of my project on the projector and he glanced over at me and I looked at him and he smiled. That little moment made my day. Sure, he cusses in like every chat message, but at least he chats with me. I think these things are drawing me to become more and more into him. At least he is showing interest back. Maybe not in the same way as me, but he wants to be friends and if that's the best we can be then I am okay with it. But GOD am I obsessed with him.

Now for yesterday. Up until about 3:30 I figured the whole hockey game with Ron was called off because he called me Friday night and said his parents couldn't take us. But he called me Saturday just as I was about to take a nap (Had to take the SAT that morning) and told me that his dad could take us. So I met him and his little brother at their house at 5:15. They took me to their backyard and showed me their tree house which was really cool. I want one. Of course, there would be a lot more going on in there besides watching TV and sleeping. Anyways, his dad came and got us and we went on our way. We road the light-rail to the stadium because it is the easiest way to get around there. It was scout night there so there were a bunch of little cub scouts running around. There were hardly any Boy Scouts. But anyways, the place was PACKED. Our seats were on the very top row. The good thing is we could see everything from there. About half way through the first quarter, Ron asked if I wanted to go walk around. So he and I slowly climbed down from our seats and walked around the stadium. It was nice. We talked but I'm not really sure what all about. Nothing in particular, just looked around at the different tables people had set up. By the way, there were some really cute guys there. Too bad Ron was only interested in looking at the cheerleaders. He kept passing it off like he wasn't but it was obvious he was interested in them. After intermission we went back to the game, but instead found some seats somewhere by ourselves. I had bought some nachos and said I would share with him. I also bought a drink and he made a comment about not going to share it with me and I was like "Well, you can if you want" but he was like nahh. Anyways, back to our secluded seats. Normally this would be the part where we make out, but he was too busy watching the game and the cheerleaders. Sluts...

That's pretty much it for the game. But the train ride back was interesting. The train was packed because everyone tried to get on it at once leaving the game. We were packed in there, and me and him were pressed against each other for almost the whole ride. We held on to each other to keep from falling when it stopped. Which would have been nicer if he was interested in me. Or if he were Blake. OMG that makes me hard just thinking about that. Ok...too much information.

That's about it for this entry. Sorry it's so long, again. I'll try and shorten it next time. Do you like person entries like this or informational/topic entries better? Let me know.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Date??

Dear Diary,

Sorry it's been so long since I've had a personal update. I've just had a few issues I wanted to discuss and I've also been spending a lot of time talking to someone who found me from this blog. We have A LOT in common and I have enjoyed talking to him.

So for an update on Blake. Things are going....nowhere. Okay, maybe somewhere. But I don't know where exactly that somewhere is. We have talked three times on Facebook. The first time he messaged me and we talked about scary movies, second time I messaged him and we talked about our research papers and who we were doing them on, and a third time he messaged me and we talked about the class in general. That last time was about a week ago so I figured it's been enough time for me to message him to continue our pattern. I'm thinking about asking him if he has any IM programs. If he says "Yes" I will immediately download whatever he has, even if I don't use it for anyone but him. If he says "No, why?", I will answer "Haha, ok. Just wondering, trying to find some other ways to talk to people besides Facebook". Hopefully a conversation will develop from there but if it doesn't I'm okay too. Haha, I plan out the STUPIDEST things. But I can't stop thinking about him. Yesterday he walked to the door about 2 minutes before the bell rang and the teacher told him to go to the inside table because she doesn't like people standing at the door and he sat down on the one RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I think he was looking at me when he first sat down but when I looked he was looking down towards the floor. I wanted so badly to say something but my mind went blank and I was way too nervous. Again today he was hovering around my area at the end of class but it may have been because his friend sits near me. I don't know, but it gave me a chance to look at him. He is still hot as ever.

Ok, now for the topic of this post. So I was talking to my friend at scouts last night. Let's call him Ron. I've known him for about 4 years and we have been best friends for a couple years. We tent together every time we go camping. I don't think he is gay, he is raised in a very religious family. Whenever I mention something about gay people he's always like "eww" but I think it's just because of how he was raised. I was the same way at my old school (Christian school that was very anti-gay). We like the same music and stuff, and get along really well. I don't think he is that cute, but it's his personality that makes me like being around him. No, I'm not attracted to every guy like it seems. I don't know if I even like him like that, but Wednesday got me thinking....

Well it started out with an IM conversation before I went to scouts. He told me that after I left last week he knocked over a basketball goal and the pole hit him in the head. He said he layed there but no one came to check on him until a leader went to him. He said there was blood everywhere and he was upset that no one even checked on him. I told him I'm so sorry and I would if I was there. Then he was like "really?" and I said "Of course, I care about you." then he sent a :) and then we started talking about American Idol, lol. Anyways, at scouts we got to talking and sat down on the bench beside each other. As the meeting went on, I noticed that he kept scooting closer to me. By the end out shoulders and sides were touching. Normally when you are that close to someone you scoot over. But I had a nail beside me so I kept scooting towards him to avoid getting poked in the butt. I don't know if it was anything, but I liked being so close to him.

ANYWAYS (Sorry this is so long, a lot to talk about, haha), he asked me if I wanted to go with him to a hockey game this weekend. I'm not one for hockey, but I think spending time with him will be nice. Of course, we are going with his family and little brother, but his bro is bringing a friend too so maybe we will get some alone time to walk around the stadium and talk. Of course in my mind I see us walking and him grabbing my hand then us walking into a bathroom and kissing where no one can see us. Ok....I let my mind wander a lot, lol.

So this is an update on my life at the moment. Caught in a love triangle of my own mind, haha. We will see how things go on Saturday and you guys will be the first to know.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past? PART 2

I'm sorry for not finishing my last entry. Not only was it getting late, but I had a lot of emotions building up and needed to take a breather. Thanks to those of you who commented my last entry. It is great to hear from you guys because it makes me feel like somebody actually cares about what I have to say, haha. So instead of introducing a new topic, I figured I would continue where I left off.

I finally escaped the bullying my 10th grade year when I switched from private school to public high school.The environment is totally different. People aren't judged by who they are or what they believed. In fact, there was this openly gay guy in my drama class first semester. I didn't realize he was gay until about halfway through though. I was intrigued by him. He wasn't overly feminine, and he was extremely nice. He wasn't very attractive, but I think I became attracted to him after I learned about his sexuality.

But that is getting off topic. All my life, I had grown up around the computer. When I was about 11 or 12, it is where I went for information about going through puberty, not my parents. One time, I unintentionally stumbled upon a website with naked pictures of guys my age. I was fascinated. I kept looking for more and more. It was all considered "art", and most of it was just previews for paid websites. I think my mom caught me a time or two. But I never got in trouble for it. I wasn't even too embarrassed that she caught me. Anyways, when I was about 13 or so I stumbled upon a hardcore site with guys my age. What I saw was sickening. Older men having sex with young boys. I couldn't look at any websites for weeks in fear that something like that might come up again.

But 2-3 years have passed since then. I no longer associate with the friends I had and I now realize the penalties of looking at child pornography. I reported all the sites I had visited and the majority of them have since been removed.

As for sexual experiences, I really have none to share. When I was younger, around 12 or so, I messed around with a neighborhood friend, but nothing more than touching. That continued for some years, but after he got older and into puberty he stopped doing things and has since called me gay. I deny it, but inside I know he is half way correct.

So this is my story. Whether the events in my past have influenced my sexuality is unknown. But I can't help feel like it may have something to do with it. Another thing I forgot to mention was I've never had a good relationship with my father. I've always been really close with my mother.

So tell me. Do you think past experiences influence a person's sexuality? Not that it necessarily makes someone gay/bi/straight, but may influence the intensity of their attractions. Let me know in a comment below. I think my next entry will be back to my old style of a daily diary. I've had a few experiences with Blake that I'd like to share. Don't get too excited, experiences can be as much as eye contact for me, haha.

Thanks for reading,

Friday, March 5, 2010

Sexuality Influenced by the Past?

This is a topic I have pondered a lot lately. And it's one that, well, I don't think I can answer. I can just share my experiences and make a guess based on what I have been through.

It all started in about the 6th grade. I went to a private Christian school at the time. But this year was different. We were paired with the 7th graders in a lot of classes and there were 2 particular guys who would pick on me. They called me gay. At the time I don't think I even knew what that word meant, and I clearly didn't connect it with sexuality. I could care less about a relationship at that age. A lot of their "proof" was based on how I acted with my best friend at the time. He and I would play "Spy" a lot and crawl around on the gym floor and hide behind stuff. I know it seems silly now, but at the time it was fun. Anyways, eventually reports from these bullies were sent to the school office. One day when we were all at the water fountain, this one guy (whom I had been best friends with from 1st-4th grade) cut in front of everyone in line. I grabbed him by his belt and pulled him away, kind of as a joke. He went to our teacher and told him that I put my hand down his pants and the teacher immediately called the office. I tried to explain what I did but he sent me straight to the office. When I got there, the principal called me into the back room and closed the door. He pulled out a list and said I had quite the record. Just so you know, I have ALWAYS been the good kid and never did anything to purposely get in trouble. I don't remember exactly, but these were some of the things that were on his list.

Inappropriately touching other students in the bathroom.
Being alone with a male student under the stairs.
Throwing things at other students when angry (reported by the LIBRARIAN)
Grabbing other male students.

The list was much longer than that, but that's all I remember. NONE of it was true, except the stairs thing but like I said, we were just playing a game. The librarian hated me, and the whole throwing things was a flat out lie. I told him that none of this was true, but then he said "Oh, so now you are calling our teachers liars? Are you saying that they are disobeying God and not you?". I don't know how I responded. I just know that after I left he called my mom into the office and talked with her. When I got home I was grounded but she told me that she didn't believe some of the stuff either. Those same bullies followed me up until 9th grade when I switched schools. It was miserable, and by 9th grade year was the only year I attempted to defend myself, but I was too scared to do anything about it.

I'm gonna pause for a minute. That whole thing upsets me every time I think about it and almost always brings me to tears. Why didn't I do anything about it? If that same thing happened to me today I would not have let that principal yell at me and curse me the way he did. I would have yelled back and called all of them liars. But I was young, and innocent, and didn't want any trouble. Damn it! Why can't I change things? I am a totally different person now and would not stand for something like that. If I ever met that principal again I would wish death upon him. I hate him. I don't say that about anyone but him. He ruined my life and made me feel worthless. I was nothing but a "sinful" student to him. Those of you that really know me know that I am one of the nicest people out there and I'm not fake about it;. I don't do anyone to hurt anyone or make them feel bad. I comfort them when they need it. I cry when they cry. I am extremely sensitive to the feelings of others and if I ever see a child treated the way I was that day in the principal's office I would not allow it. I don't care if I lost my job because of it, I know how painful it is. I hate when people are bullied, it reminds me of how I felt and I would never wish that on anyone.Maybe I care too much, but I cannot stand to hear about children who are verbally abused by their peers and those in authority.

I got totally sidetracked. I will save the rest of this topic for tomorrow. I am too upset at the moment to continue and don't want to make this entry any longer than it already is.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Welcome to the Land of Gay Excess

Am I gonna fit in?

This weekend I had a competition for Drama. It's something I've been looking forward to for a long time. I am not going to go into detail about the competition, but I'll get to the part you're all waiting for....the hot guys.

WOW! Who knew there were so many cute guys into theatre. I couldn't keep my eyes off of some of them that were on campus. There is one guy in my group that is kind of cute, but I like him for his personality more than his looks. The first time I got a good look at some cute guys was in the dressing room after our group performed. Even better, one of the guys I knew from online (we had discussed earlier about meeting up) was there and he was even cuter in person. All of the guys in there had on stage makeup and looked twice as hot. There was this one guy there that looked kind of like Blake, and I don't know why but I caught myself looking at him a lot. He wasn't even that cute. But the thing I liked about him was that he either wore makeup all weekend or his skin was naturally perfect.

Now for the gay guys. There were so many flamboyant guys there. But none of them I found to be attractive. Plus I don't really like guys who are overly "gay". By that I mean the guys that go around talking like "Oh em geee! She is just sooooo gorgeous! She's my BFFFFF". Yeah, I know guys that really talk like that. But there was this one guy there that I kept glancing at that I was pretty sure was gay. He combed his hair over and his face wasn't perfect, but his eyes were beautiful. His voice was sexy, like Blake's. I never talked to him, and only made eye contact with him once, but I enjoyed staring at him.

At one point my friend was talking about a hot guy in a play. I was making fun of her for it and she was like "Come on, it's not like you don't think about attractive girls in plays" and I was like "Not really...." and then she said "Or attractive guys". Then I quickly changed the subject. It was really awkward but at the time I really didn't care if she knew. But then I thought about how she was friends with Lilly and I didn't want her to find out I was the least bit interested in guys. I just wish I had someone with me on that trip that knew my secret and I could talk to about the cute guys.

At the end of class today, Blake came and stood beside me. It might have been because I was beside the door but he did look at me and I looked back. He didn't say anything though. I enjoyed the short moment we shared though. God, I'm so obsessed with him.

Until next time (hopefully something worth writing about will come up soon),