Faith or Fate?

I actually took this picture myself in Paris. Something about this statue fascinated me. If anyone has any more information on it I'd love to know!

Today as I was on my way to purchase a video game, I witnessed something that could possibly change my life...

Not two cars behind me, I saw a large rental truck spin out of control, shoot across the median, into oncoming traffic, and across the street into a field. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, but I was very shaken up. I had to pull over and call my mother and talk it through with her. I was shaking and sobbing. I don't think anything has ever made me feel the way that I felt at that moment. If I had just been going a little slower or was delayed by a few seconds, I would have been in the pathway of that truck and driven into the median and into oncoming traffic. The worst part was, it wouldn't have been an easy, instant death, as the whole event lasted at least 10 seconds. In that time everything that has happened in my life would flash in front of my eyes. Luckily I managed to stay calm until I pulled over. I have only witnessed two other accidents in my life, but both were when I was very young and I can only remember short glimpses of them. But I will remember today forever.

NOTE: If you are offended by religious discussion, stop reading here.

It made me start thinking about the afterlife. Something I don't usually ponder. As you know, I consider myself a Christian. Having been raised in a Christian school for the majority of my life, I was instilled with Christian values. However, as I get older I realized that a lot of the Christian ideals are nothing like my beliefs. First off, I do NOT think that it's my responsibility to CHANGE anyone. Local pastors have been getting a lot of negative attention lately by the media and they make me almost ashamed to share the same religious "status" as them.

Not only that, but I personally believe that a lot of the Bible was written as parables by religious leaders of the time. It's obviously not the direct word of God as many claim. I don't remember reading about how the book ascended from the heavens and was the guideline for all humans to follow. A lot of it is prejudiced, but also fitting for the society of the time.

Let's get one thing straight. I DO believe in a God. I believe there is an omniscient power out there that created life. That being said, I believe in a lot of the ideals of Evolution. But I believe that these were set in place by God. Whether God is directly involved in all of our lives today is uncertain. But I think free will prevails over all.

Now for the matter of Jesus Christ. I honestly have purposely avoided deciding on whether or not I believe everything about him. I do not doubt that he was a man, a very good and religious man who did many great things during his lifetime. But I also think the idea of Jesus and the Holy Spirit are conflicted. I have always been told that you have to "accept Jesus into your Heart" to be saved. I don't think this necessarily means you have to believe that he was the Son of God. I have accepted the Holy Spirit into my heart, and whether Jesus existed or not doesn't really matter to me if I have that.

Heaven. Real? Fiction? To be honest, I don't think about it. I feel that whatever happens, happens. If it does exist, I feel I have done what I need to do to get "in". If not, then it isn't as great of a place as it's imagined to be. And if all gay people go to Hell... well I'd much rather go there. There's a lot of sarcasm in that statement of course. However, if Heaven doesn't exist and we all just disappear into nothingness, then I don't have anything to worry about, do I? And if I come back as a ghost... well, that would be bloody brilliant.

So yes, I consider myself a Christian. But not by the standards that society puts upon Christians.

-Tristan

Do It All Again

This entry was inspired by the title of my last entry. The question is...

If you could go back in time, would you do it all again?

This is a difficult question since:

A) It wasn't that long ago.

B) There has to be a set time/age I would want to go back to.

C) Would I have the same mindset as I do then as I do now?

Let's start with A. Whether you believe me or not, I really am a newly turned 19-year-old. I've been doing this blog since I was 16. I am still unsure whether I am "too old" to be where I want to be with guys. I feel like I am, but a lot of you may tell me that I'm not. I mean, I can still hang out with 14-15 year olds without it seeming weird. Although dating them is definitely frowned upon. So would I want to relive my boyhood so soon? Not really, I'd rather wait until I'm old and wrinkly before I decide to do that.

Now to B. I'm still undecided on the age I would want to be. If we are talking about physical appearance, I'd like to go back to around 11. I think that was when I was at my prime. This will probably be weird to say, but I look at pictures of myself at that age and I find myself attractive. Granted I looked at least 3 years older than I really was, I was cute. If I wanted to go back to the days of early experimentation that I missed out on, I would say 8 or 9 years old. But that would mean I'd have 4 or 5 more years to go before I could start seriously dating guys. Plus at that point I wouldn't even be truly interested in guys sexually.

Which leads me into my next problem, letter C. If I had the same mindset as I did back then, I don't think anything would be any different and the whole trip back in time would be worthless. However, if I am aware of the fact that I'm going back in time and think like I do now, I think I'd be opened up to so many other opportunities. Firstly, I'd leave my private school much earlier than I did so I could go to middle school with many other guys questioning their sexuality. I would be a lot more willing to be openly gay and would probably have the opportunity of dating younger guys. Remember, I've always been attracted to roughly the same age range, so it'd give me a chance to date guys I think are the most attractive. Of course in the long run, those relationships wouldn't be very meaningful, but at least I would have the memories of it other than my imagination. The only thing close to that that I do have are my experiences with my neighborhood friend Caleb but I didn't find him attractive. I guess my experiences with Mikey are my best memory from that age range. Even though I never really touched him, I did see his penis a lot and rubbed him through his clothes. It was the first time in my life I've ever been physical with someone I liked.

So I'm undecided if I would do it all again. Plus that would mean I would have to suffer through all the useless high school work all over again. Eww...

What would you do? I'm interested in your choice and why.

-Tristan <3

Time Travel

Well the summer is in full swing and I'm halfway through my month of being Jason-less while he visits his family in the mid-west. Things are going alright though, I've enjoyed the time to myself and with my friends back home.

I've also been with Mikey a lot helping him with a project. He has lost pretty much all his appeal to me. He smells really bad (he doesn't bathe regularly) and he really needs to start shaving his face more regularly. He just looks very care-free, which is totally fine for a guy, but it's not the way he used to be. He still does little things to try to swoon me like watching porn beside me or making comments like "sometimes I wonder if I am gay and don't know it" when watching himself back on video. But as I said earlier, he doesn't appeal to me like he used to.

Today I took a visit back to the place where I took video production classes my senior year. The seniors in the advanced class were premiering their final projects while the juniors finished filming so I decided to come watch. All of the films were just average, and apart from one guy with a really cocky attitude, there were no guys of interest there.

Until...

About 20 minutes before class was over, I noticed a familiar face walk into the room. Duncan. In case you are a new reader (or one without an everlasting memory), Duncan was in my Intro Video class back in the Fall of 2010. My first entry mentioning him is here: A New School Year, New Start?. As he turned to walk back out we made eye contact and I waved. He responded by a shocked look and then a quick "Hey Tristan!". My heart was racing because it had been so long since we've talked. He was sporting a new look. While his dress before was a bit gothic, he had gone full-blown emo. I usually am really turned off by that, but he rocked it. His hair was in this crazy style with spiked and waves. It looked really cool. The best part... his face hadn't changed a bit. He still looked years younger than his age. He could easily pass as an 11-year-old in closeups. Anyways, he came back to the room a little while later and was standing at his computer. Me, with my newly found boost of confidence, approached him and asked to see his final project. He was really happy to show it to me. Turns out his was the best of the class. Although, I could be exaggerating and I was distracted by catching quick glances at him while watching. The most interesting thing was, everyone in the class seemed to really like him and look up to him. At the beginning of my 12th grade year when I had class with him, everyone talked badly about him and I was one of the only ones who took up for him. It made me happy to know that he had earned the respect of the others in the class. Plus, he really is that good at what he does.

I've talked to Jason off-and-on, usually a few texts every day and a phone call once a week. He seems to be doing well. His mom is still being a real bitch about dissing gay-related topics, such as Amendment 1 and Obama's support for it. But he seems to handle it better than I would. I do wish he'd stand up for himself for once though.

Does anyone still read this? While that might be a good thing, I'm starting to feel a little lonely without the comments. I love getting feedback and new topic ideas. HMU! ;)

-Tristan

Dog Days

Well, I'm guilty.

I haven't updated you guys on anything since April and I feel horrible for it. Because truth is, a lot has happened but a lot hasn't changed.

It's now Summer, and it won't be until late-August until I get to be Jason's roommate. The good thing is, we have a week long camping trip planned for mid-July and also subsequent visits to each other's hometown. He should be coming here mid-June.

To say I miss him would be an understatement. However, it doesn't feel nearly as bad as Christmas Break did because at the time I was worried to death about whether he still liked me. Now I know that he not only likes me, but loves me. And I love him too. He is everything I want in a boyfriend (and possibly a future husband). He is amazingly good looking even though I haven't noted it before. I know I touched on it a little bit, but it took me until now to realize his true beauty. But of course that isn't nearly the most important thing. I feel like we are one in the same. Meaning I feel like we are connected somehow in spirit. I've felt this connection since the beginning, but it's even stronger now.

The only thing I can think of that makes me a little weary is the true reasoning behind why he dumped me. He always just says he "wasn't thinking" or he doesn't know why he did it. He's too smart of a kid to really mean that and I think he's covering up something. I'm not going to question him about it though because he seems completely over it and committed to me now.

What I think is the most amazing thing is the fact that he sometimes mentions his future and how he plans to make me a part of it. He always blushes when he talks about it, but he sometimes talks about us moving in together after college and getting married and adopting and growing old together. I guess this is a normal thing for a serious couple to do, but I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I know that we are young, and young love usually isn't the smartest thing, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with us spending our lives together. He accepts the fact that I'm attracted to younger boys, and that would be my biggest secret in a relationship, yet I can be honest with him about it. Now that doesn't mean I go around the city pointing out cute boys to him, but occasionally he will make a comment about a boy in a store or something saying "I bet you'd like him". He's usually right.

So for the summer, what would you like me to write about? I'm happy to write every day as long as I have some topics. I'm going to Mikey's house to work on a project with him tomorrow. We will see if that stirs up some emotional drama for my fragile heart.

Love,
Tristan Skyler

Paradise

So, not much has changed since my last update. I have been in contact with David (maybe a little too much if it were up to Jason) and things seem to finally be settled down. Things might still be awkward at the youth group meeting, but the leader knows about the breakup so I'm sure she will keep things under control.

As for Jason, things are... perfect. Everything in our relationship has been steady. I haven't had to doubt anything at all and he has been honest with me completely. The only time this really hurt me was when I made reference to a comment he made several months earlier while we were in the movie and saw Zac Efron in a trailer and I told him "He was better when he was younger" and he had responded "Tristan, you will notice that happens to everyone". At the time I didn't think about it much and took it as a joke. After I brought it up again (to remind him we had seen this trailer) he told me he meant more by that. He said that deep down he has been worried if I will still like him when he starts to look older and more his age. I started crying at this point. I had no idea that he was concerned about this. I reassured him that no matter how superficial I was when it came to being wooed by a celebrity's good looks, it meant absolutely nothing about how I see someone I'm dating. I told him that I would still like him the same as now when he got older and looks mean nothing. He said he was glad to get that off his chest and I thanked him for being honest.

I have also begun to tell him that I love him. I actually mean it and am not afraid to use that word with him. As you know (if you read my entry a few weeks ago), I don't like using that word unless I truly mean it. I honestly can see myself with Jason my whole life and I think he sees me that way too. If I lost him again I would be devastated.

An issue that has come up in the back of my mind is whether or not I can get over love to love another. My love for Mikey is still there, and coming home this past weekend and visiting with him didn't help those feelings subside. We didn't do anything beyond friend-level stuff, and I doubt we ever will, but I still love him. But I love Jason at the same level, maybe even more. I'm sure things will be fine, but it kind of bothers me knowing my heart isn't completely focussed on Jason.

I have deviated from the topic of this entry, but I guess it's a good thing that things aren't entirely as perfect as they seem. However, I'm happy, and Jason is happy with me. And that's all that matters, right? Our relationship is completely comfortable, and while we haven't gone all the way yet, I feel that will come naturally very soon. We have already begun talking about getting condoms for it and we have "pretend" anal with our clothes on. We are like little kids when it comes to that, and I enjoy the fact that our sexual moments aren't serious and nerve-racking. We make them fun and relaxed.

Should I be worried about the fact that I am happy?

-Tristan

Letting Go to Bring Back In

 I haven't updated in a few weeks. Although this was mainly due to my personal laziness, it's also because I didn't do a lot of thinking before acting...I know, that's almost always a mistake.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been getting very sexual with Jason.To the point where we were both completely nude in bed, playing with each other and even spending the night together.Even though I knew it was wrong (because I was still dating David), it felt so right. I was beginning to notice he was a completely different person than when we first started dating.

But something had changed...

Trevor, a guy from our school's GSA, had begun flirting with Jason. I was becomming rctremely jealous, and Jason knew it. He assured me that he didn't like Trevor and would never date him, and I accepted it and told him I had no right to be jealous even if he did. Whether I had the right to or not didn't matter. It felt horrible knowing this guy was hitting on him when I still had feelings for him. I couldn't let him take Jason from me.

So I did the unthinkable...

Monday, I was having a regular text conversation with David and we were discussing his prom (which he invited me to several weeks before). I had previously accepted, but since my feelings for Jason were currently so strong, I wouldn't have felt right at prom with him, especially since I had been technically "cheating" on him.

I told him that I wasn't sure it would be best for us to go to prom together. At first I tried to brush it off as my way of saying "it wouldn't be fair to you since I'll be gone over the summer", but I went for it and told him everything. And by that I mean EVERYTHING (except the cheating). I told him about how I never got over Jason and how I don't think I ever will. I tried my best to not make it seem like his fault and he told me he understood but his voice over the phone sounded very depressed.

It wasn't until today that I heard from him again, thus ending my anxiety. I called the leader of the youth group that we are both a part of and told her the situation. It was really comforting to hear that I did the right thing, whether I believe so or not.

So here I am. The good news is Jason has become very emotionally involved with me now that he knows he has me wholeheartedly. This is the kind of relationship we should have had in the beginning. I told him I didn't want to make it "Facebook Official" for a while because I didn't want to come across as one of those people who has a new boyfriend every week. While he was ready to make it 100% official, I told him he could make it official between us again. So less than an hour ago, the words I had been wanting to hear all this time came smoothly from his lips as we lay together, embracing each other with intertwined legs,

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Yes.

Incredibly Close Call

As some of you noticed, this past weekend I took the site down for a couple of days. This is due to an URGENT situation. I had opened a new browser tab and it showed "top sites" while in Jason's room. This site was on the list and he asked what "TristanTalks" was. I immediately clicked out of it and said "I don't know, nothing". Lame response, I know. But I was very embarrassed and nervous. I'm still not sure if he's forgotten about it and he might just be waiting before he checks it out. He knows I keep a journal (but not online) so it's not entirely a secret. But still...

"Jason", if you ever stumble across this blog, please don't judge me before you talk to me in person about it. Don't think that I do this to expose you or anyone at all. I do it to tell my story to hundreds of other regular readers who struggle with similar situations. Some things aren't exactly as they happened, mainly for the purpose of keeping both you and I anonymous online.

If you don't see this, thank you. I am very lucky that you didn't discover my only secret from you.

ANYWAYS...

I'm in a very emotionally confused state today. Jason seemed very upset last night after I got back from my date with David. And I think it's my fault...

I really need to get things figured out in my own head before I go messing with someone else. Last night I saw that he was upset so I began rubbing his back and neck, then eventually stroking his cheek. I like comforting him. But I probably took it farther than a friendship level.

I had been doing stuff like this before, but this time it hit me hard because just a few hours before I was in my bed with David having the same thing done to me (and much more of course). Maybe the whole top/bottom thing is hindering me from being able to decide.

I REALLY like when David does stuff to me. Last night he started tickling me and ended up on top of me and began intensely making out with me. Even though I consider myself a leader, I like being played with and in a way "dominated". No, I'm not talking about anal sex. Never done that before so I wouldn't know.

BUT, I also really like being the caring type of person towards Jason. I like rubbing his back and just caressing him and holding him close to me.

Jason has great looks, a great personality, but has me confused with his emotions towards me.
David has okay looks, a bit of an annoying personality, but really expresses that he loves me.

Which is the better choice?

-Tristan